Dear Webby: Increase Picture Size 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 16, 2007

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
--- Don Marquis

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize
till you have tried to make it precise.
--- Bertrand Russell


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.

However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."


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When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University,
I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on
his fingers to remind him.  A good sport, he didn't protest,
even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders.

One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and
emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a
white bandage.  When he walked into class, everyone just stared.
Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you
to remember today, it must be REALLY important."


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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Lane, 25, Suffolk County, NY Phony Cop July 11, 2007 - Bohemia, New York - AP There were flashing lights atop his SUV and what appeared to be a police badge in his hand, but it was the man he tried to pull over who was the real police detective. Robert Lane, 25, was arrested Tuesday on charges of criminal impersonation and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, Suffolk County police said. Lane was driving an SUV fitted with flashing lights when he tried to stop the off-duty New York police detective on a highway on Long Island, Suffolk police said. They said Lane told investigators the detective had cut him off. The detective got suspicious when Lane drove up alongside him, identified himself as an officer and flashed a small police badge, Suffolk police said. The detective showed his own police ID and ordered Lane to pull over, then followed him when he didn't and called in local police to arrest him, authorities said. Lane could not immediately be located for comment. ... 94723.html ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for these pictures: Bromeliad =========================================== There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Making a picture larger Dear Webby, I have a digital picture that measures 548 x411 pixels but the company requires a minimum of 700 x 500. Would you please advise me how to increase the pixel size. Thank you, Fred Dear Fred Any graphics program will do that, even Windows Paint, though that is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. First increase the color depth to 16 Million. Then soften the contrast just slightly, about 2 - 3 %. Next, increase the picture size to what you need. And finally, sharpen the contrast 6 - 10%. If pictuer quality is not that important, you can skip the softening and sharpening. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Garden birds too loud says council A great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise - from birdsong in her garden. The official note from environmental health warned of "a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing." Dorothy Berry, 65, of Fulham, West London, said: "When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about. "I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house. But I really don't see what we can do about that." The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong "arising from your premises during the early hours". It went on: "In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence." She added: "We have so much wildlife, it's so beautiful. The frogs croak in the pond - maybe they are doing that too loudly?" A spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said: "We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers. "But we must investigate all complaints from residents - however bizarre they may appear."
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at You can email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Remove Hard Water Deposits From Faucets To remove vinegar deposits that accumulate on faucets from hard water, fill a bag with vinegar and tie the bag to the faucet. Allow the faucet to soak in the vinegar for a couple of hours. When you remove the bag, the deposits should be gone. Repeat if necessary. I think they meant "mineral" deposits. For tap stems and fixtures you can rip an old t-shirt into strips and wrap them tightly around the fixtures, then soak them with vinegar. After an hour you can undo the strips and use them to polish off what mineralization remains. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the list, you can vote for it here: ========================================
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..." ============================================= SMALL DOG ADJUSTMENT "I don't care what you say, small dogs are just silly pampered toys." Ray was on his rampage again. He believed the only real dog was one that was tough, mean, and could lick any dog in a good fight. Ray loved to go fishing. He couldn't swim. Being a macho man he refused to wear a life jacket when out in his boat. That was for sissy's. He set out on a warm afternoon, thinking the fish would be in a shady spot near the shore. Sure enough, he caught one. Standing in the boat, taking the fish off his line, the boat rocked. Ray lost his balance, toppling into the water. "Help me, I can't swim." he gurgled. "I'm gonna drown." He thrashed around desperately Suddenly, a black miniature poodle leapt into the water. She reached the man, grabbed him by an arm, then headed for shore. Ray tried to help by kicking his legs. Once ashore, he said, "I thought I was a goner, "That little dog saved my life." The tiny poodle jumped up into his arms where he patted her awkwardly. "Guess I was wrong about little dogs, this tiny curly thing sure is brave." I looked at my friend, "Are you going to tell him?" He grinned, "No way." We both laughed knowing that Ray had only been in five feet of water. All he had to do was stand up. Having that poodle "save" him, gave him a change of heart regarding small dogs. His dunking had been well worth it. Stormy O' =============================================
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======================================== This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING! ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ancient wooden toys for the imaginative
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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