Dear Webby: Spoof postcard notices 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 27, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
======================================

Better to do something imperfectly
than to do nothing flawlessly.
--- Dr. Robert Schuller

The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
--- Henry Kissinger

=======================================

While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane
for the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport,
I sat wringing my hands and trying to quiet the butterflies
in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny airplane and a
very bumpy flight.

Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding down the runway,
toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now, I
implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening.
She calmly answered, "Oh they just do that to clear the
chickens off the landing."

=======================================

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to
the altar wearing a beautiful dress.  As the children were
sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leaned over and
said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Sunday
dress?"

The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
"Yes .  .  and my mom says it's a sum-bitch to iron."

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The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked,
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she
spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

===========================================

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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, Gary City, Indiana Do as I say, not as I do July 25, 2007 - Gary, Indiana - AP An anger management instructor was charged with domestic battery after his wife accused him of grabbing and beating her during an argument, police said. The Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, has taught anger management classes for defendants in Gary City Court for several years, but his contract was voided while the misdemeanor charge against him is pending, said City Court Judge Deidre Monroe. "It's our policy that anyone working in the court system can't have criminal charges," Monroe said Monday. Nichols was arrested early Thursday after the couple's young daughter called police to report the fight, police said. Monroe said Nichols' case will be handled in Crown Point because of his association with the City Court. Monroe appointed a special judge to arraign Nichols in court Friday. http://cbs4.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 04826.html ===========================================
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=========================================== not now, Stripper! =========================================== Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair that is safe to use." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elsie Re: Postcard spoofs Dear Webby What's with all these weird spoof postcard notices from Mypostcards and Hallmark and Bluemountain? They are so klutzy that nobody, who is popular enough to have received even just one normal postcard, won't fall for the spoofs, but they are getting to be a nuisance! What can be done about those spoofs? Elsie Dear Elsie One of your flakey friends has a computer that is infected with the W32/Zhelatin.gen!eml virus. It sends those postcard spoofs to everybody in your friend's Outlook Express address book, including you. It also opens a back door, so that the spammers can go into that computer and send spam from it. Chances are good that, if you can get your tattooed granddaughter to run a virus scan, the frequency of them will drop drastically. In the meantime make a filter in your MailWasher that looks for "You've received" in the subject line. Neither your telephone company, nor the utility company or real postcards use that phrase. But it is popular with a lot of spam and spoofs. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - Washington - AP A now-famous pair of pants was the star attraction at a fundraiser Tuesday meant to help pay the bills of a dry- cleaner couple caught in a legal stitch. The $54 million pants, as they've come to be known, were the subject of a widely mocked lawsuit that garnered international attention. Now, they have their own security guard. Groups advocating stricter guidelines for filing lawsuits and supporters of Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, came from across the country to attend the cocktail fundraiser. On display were what the Chungs say are the pants that Roy Pearson brought in, were misplaced, and were later found. The guests had appetizers and cocktails, and under the stern gaze of the security guard, some posed for photos with the pants. The Chungs successfully defended themselves from the $54 million suit, which originally demanded $67 million, but they now owe about $100,000 in legal costs. The American Tort Reform Association and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Institute for Legal Reform put on the fundraiser in hopes of defraying the Chungs' costs. The fundraiser netted more than $64,000, with more pledges still coming in, organizers said. "Without your support, the Chungs could very well have gone bankrupt," defense attorney Chris Manning told the crowd of about 150. The Chungs also made a rare appearance to thank their guests. The organizers said they also wanted to raise visibility for their mission to change tort law in the face of lawsuits that unfairly target small businesses. "Our motto is the spirit of free enterprise," said Lisa Rickard, president of the Institute for Legal Reform. "The Chungs epitomize that in our perspective. They've really been living the American dream, and that all came to a halt with the filing of this lawsuit." "It's our hope to help them do a course correction and get back on track," Rickard said. Manning said that if the court grants the Chungs' motion for Pearson to pay their legal fees, proceeds from the fundraiser that exceed the family's costs would be donated to charity. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... 9PKG0.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Makeshift Knife Sharpener In a pinch, you can sharpen a knife on the bottom of a ceramic coffee mug. Hold the blade at a slight angle and sharpen it on the unglazed ring on the bottom of the mug. It's not ideal, but it will work. Some safety rules: Hold the knife steady, move the sharpener. Face the edge and the point of the knife away from you. Lay the blade onto the front top edge of a drawer, so that it does not flex during sharpening. If you have non-slip mesh in your cutlery drawer, drape that over the drawer front to help holding the blade steady. Unless you have a sharpening steel and are an old chef, use slow and steady strokes of your stone or cup. Speed is irrelevant. What counts is maintaining the same angle on each stroke. Only sharpen the side of the blade that is hollow ground. Never touch the other side, except to remove the sharpening "beard" by wiping the knife back and forth over some paper. Regular paper is abrasive enough to trim the beard. "Diamond-Grit" style nail files also work great for sharpening knifes and scissors. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now with the speedometer showing about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. He throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now doing about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out in sheer terror, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man gently replies, "Do you guys want some help getting out of the mud???" ============================================= FUR COVERED BATTERIES There are days, when I wonder if I will make it through the next 24 hours. I take in strays, usually dogs. They make a visit to the vet, get a bath, fed, hugs, but at times their coats are so tangled they'll be shaved. I agreed to baby-sit two ferrets for a day. I know they are tiny batteries in fur that hardly ever run out of power. Within an hour they had taken over the house. They chased my Maltese, Jasper, out of his bed. His treats were stolen along with his sock with a knot in the centre, that to him was like a security blanket. When he is left at home, he'll get his knotted sock for comfort. Within hours, I lost the ferrets. I knew they were in the house, but where? My friend was due to pick them up. I was absolutely frantic. I have one stray dog at the moment, who had to be shaved. His coat couldn't be saved. Because my home is air conditioned, he wears a long, loose sweater that covers him from his ears to his bottom. I was in tears over the "loss" of my friends ferrets, when I noticed an odd look to the sweater the dog had on. It had developed a pot belly. If the dog lay down, that lump moved! The ferrets had picked a perfect place to hide. I pulled them out gently, laughing when one of them had a firm grip on Jaspers beloved sock! I offered Jasper back his sock. Showing his huge displeasure over it's new smell, he piddled on it. I took the hint. tossed it, gave him a new one. I promised him, I would never, baby-sit ferrets again. Well, at least not right away! Stormy O' =============================================
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======================================== Thanks to Rubye for this story: Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same. A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well,"said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?" Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cayenne Clinic
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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