Dear Webby: More Filters 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 30, 2007
======================================

It is the dull man who is always sure,
and the sure man who is always dull.
--- H. L. Mencken

No one really listens to anyone else,
and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
--- Mignon McLaughlin

=======================================

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was
discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old daughter was watching as she held
up a huge pair of slacks.  "Wow," the lady said, "I must
have worn these when I was a hundred and eighty."

Her daughter looked puzzled and asked,
"How old are you now?"

=======================================

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.  The nurse starts
with certain basic information and asks, "How much do you weigh?"

"One-seventy," the man replies.

The nurse asks him to step on the scale and it shows that his
weight is actually 183.  The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Five-eleven," the man answered confidently.

The nurse measures and sees that he's only 5' 8".
Then she takes his blood pressure, and it is very high.

The man says, "Of course it's high!  When I came in here,
I was tall and slender.  Now, suddenly I'm short and dumpy!"

======================================

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"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the operator said.  "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,
"Well, most people just call me Turkey."

===========================================

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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jozef Cene, 38, from Berlin, Germany VERY wet road July 20, 2007 - Wiltshire, UK - Ananova A German policeman left a Wiltshire pub and drove straight into a canal after mistaking it for a wet road. Jozef Cene, 38, drove out of the car park at midnight, stopped by the canal, indicated and plunged into the water. Locals at the Barge Inn in Honeystreet, Wiltshire, waded in to free Jozef from his submerged Fiat Punto, reports the Sun. His legs were trapped in the car door by the water pressure, but rescuers managed to haul him to safety from the chest-high canal. Berlin policeman Jozef was breathalysed but it proved negative. The rental car was later winched out. He said: "I am very embarrassed. I saw the muddy water and thought it was tarmac. I am very grateful to the people who helped me out." Pipe welder Patrick Povey, 25, who jumped in to help Jozef, said: "I was having a drink and the next thing I knew this chap drove his car straight into the canal." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2424911.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
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=========================================== =========================================== An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!" ---------------- He should have used his cane and smacked the quack! My father overdid it a bit with his hiking last Sunday and tore the meniscus in his right knee. Medically it's not a big deal, but it is very painful. If you see a soccer player suddenly dance like a one-legged whirling dervish and then fall down clasping his knee, that's from a torn meniscus. The meniscus is like a rubber washer in the knee, cushioning the joint. A sudden twisting impact can tear a little piece of that washer partially loose and makes it press against some nerves. A sport doctor recognizes it instantly and can reach into the knee with a tiny little pipe and clip the torn piece like it was a hangnail on your thumb. The pain is gone instantly and the patient can walk as soon as the local anethetic wears off. That's what they did with my dad and he's hiking again. However, if it is not promptly fixed, the limping affects the spine and leads to all kinds of expensive complications. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marty Re: Filters Dear Webby I tried that filter, and I am impressed! Not a single false positive, and it caught even more spam than I had expected. Now, how do I make a filter to catch all the useless messages from mcAfee, both real and spoof? Thanks Marty Dear Marty For that I made this filter: If the Subject field contains "Suspect e-mail detected" OR the From field contains "McAfee VirusScan E-mail Scan" then hide the message from the messages list , and automatically (without warning or notification) delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. For the "OR", toggle the ALL or ANY rules to ANY. According to the cute pie chart in the stats, this filter currently catches and dumps 14% of the incoming mail, unseen. That's the way I like it. The spoof McAfee messages with attached virus are just as useless as the real McAfee messages. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 25, 2007 - Sydney, Australia - AP A dog that vanished two months ago has been found 2,000 miles from home, media reported Wednesday. Rusty was to be flown home Thursday after being sent to a pound in Darwin, Australia's northernmost city, and identified this week by a microchip inserted under the skin. ''I can't believe I'll see my little fellow again,'' Shirley Lowry, who has made several appeals in local media for her pet's return, told Australian Associated Press. ''It just goes to show the value of having your dog micro-chipped,'' she added. How Rusty, an 8-year-old poodle-Maltese mix, reached tropical Darwin remains a mystery, although the condition of Rusty's paws suggests the dog did not walk. Rusty disappeared in May while Lowry was inside a shop in the east coast town of Woy Woy, located 25 miles north of Sydney. http://www.happynews.com/news/7252007/l ... s-home.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Carpet Save money on your carpet installation by removing and disposing of the old carpet yourself. If you are also painting, do your painting and dry wall work after removing the old carpet. It allows you to paint all the way down to the subflooring without fear of making a mess.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe." ============================================= OLD JOE'S GOOD DEED Old Joe set a good example. From the day he arrived at his home as a puppy, he developed a habit that eventually made him a small town hero. He loved long walks through the country side, into town, down by the river, over horse pastures, just about anywhere his four legs would take him. Joe would chase rabbits, dig for old bones, leap into the river plus he was known to chase a cat or two, just to keep in practice. On his way home, he would search, then pick up a tin can, or a bit of foil, perhaps a used paper cup, even the odd shoe or cast off mitten from last winter. He had a place in the yard where he placed his daily items. An old lady who lived down the street from Joe was tired of picking up garbage tossed into her yard by students going home from school. One day she banged on the door of the house where Joe lived. "Can I borrow your dog?" she wanted to know. After she explained, the answer was yes. The next day, in a grade one class, in she walked with Joe. She also had a huge bag, which she suddenly emptied onto the floor. The kids were appalled. It was garbage. "This," she said, "Is what this nice dog brings home every day. One piece at a time." "I don't think a dog should have to do this, do you?" Solemn little faces agreed. So it was, that Joe taught the little ones, who taught the parents, who showed the town, that if a dog could care for the environment, than so should they. Joe still goes for his long walks, he hardly ever brings anything home anymore. Somehow, I think he's okay with that! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== "If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for a dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered . The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic, do you, ?" sighed and replied, "You don't know my father." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pacific coast lighthouses
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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