Dear Webby: Most reliable connection 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 22, 2007
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He who waits upon fortune is never sure of dinner.
--- Benjamin Franklin

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
--- Jerome Blattner

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Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing
sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home,
he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."

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A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their
parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their
sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister also told a number of stories that cannot be printed here." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mike Vick (Story sent in by Jai) ATLANTA -- The Atlanta Humane Society said they are receiving donations from across the country -- and you'll never guess what people are sending: Mike Vick jerseys and t-shirts "We discovered like any donation we get, any shirt or towel, we put it to good use here at Atlanta Humane Society. We're always using things to clean kennels, use for bedding and stuff like that," said Smith. Did she say cleaning kennels? "We're not showing any favoritism to these jerseys, they go into our general rotation of towels," Smith said. One dog is using his Vick jersey as a pillow. Complete story at http://www.wsbtv.com/news/13918614/detail.html --------------------- The real bonehead award should go th the owners of the Atlanta Falcons, who kept Mike Vick on for two years after it became known, that he was involved with running illegal dogfights. =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water, who rescued her. The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words. He said, "Once I was in the water, it was no big deal. But I sure am curious about who pushed me overboard." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ormond Re: Most reliable connection Dear Webby, What is the most reliable connection? I don't really need very high speed, but for my on-line credit card order processing, I need 100% reliability. I am not an AOLer, so I don't have a religious hangup requiring things to be free or the absolute cheapest. I can write it off as a business expense anyway. Ormond Dear Ormond NOTHING on the net is 100% reliable. Approach it the same way as the power on a big boat. For normal operation, use a big Diesel (DSL) and for emergency, when there is a problem with the Diesel, use a little put-put outboard. (Dial-Up). Cable may be a bit faster, but the reliability of cable is rarely even near what it theoretically should be. DSL is quite reliable, normally, but even big companies like Telus have occasional problems, especially when they try to do a system wide software upgrade and accidentally knock off a few thousand clients. They just did that again this Monday night and wound up reverting to the old system Tuesday afternoon. At times like that I simply switch to Earthlink dial-up. I have had that account for a dozen years for traveling, and the occasional DSL downtime. In summary, for a business you do need a back-up way onto the net. Whether you use DSL or Cable for normal operation, keep a cheap dial-up connection going. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 21, 2007 - Lehighton, Pennsylvania - AP Sheila Drummond didn't need to see her hole-in-one. She heard it. Drummond, blinded by diabetes 26 years ago, experienced the highlight of her golfing career Sunday, recording an ace on the 144-yard, par-3 fourth hole at Mahoning Valley Country Club. Playing with her husband and coach, Keith, and two friends in a steady rain, the 53-year-old Drummond hit a driver on the hole. The shot cleared a water hazard, flew between traps and landed on the green, where it hit the flagstick before dropping into the hole. ''They were saying, 'It's a great shot,' and then I heard it hit the pin,'' Drummond said. ''For a hole-in-one, you have to hit it onto the green, so it's a little bit of skill and a lot of luck.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/8212007/b ... career.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Dairy You'll almost always save money by buying larger containers of dairy items like yogurt, milk and cheese but make sure you don't buy so much it will spoil before it's used. Stock up on cheese when it's on sale, it can be grated and frozen for later use. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Thanks to Jai for this story: As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go." ============================================= OH MY FRAZZLED NERVES The entire neighborhood could hear Thelma screaming. "Get it out of here, now!" Silence, then, "That dog isn't normal, Eeeeek, catch that slimy thing." Finally, "That's it, wait till your father gets home." The fuss was over a little dog called Julie. She was a small mixed breed dog. She did have one horrid habit. Julie liked snakes. She didn't hurt or kill them, she merely liked to catch them and carry them wriggling into the house. Of course Thelma, would end up on the counter top, holding her skirts up around her neck, screeching at the top of her lungs for her kids to catch the snake. Her wrath boiled over when Julie hauled home a tiny garter snake, then presented it to Thelma when she was, shall we say, busy in the bathroom. Dad arrived home to find his wife in tears, his kids sulking and Julie tied to the dog house. He also brought home his boss and his wife for dinner.Thelma had forgotten, there wasn't any hot meal ready. She bawled openly while telling her husband her nerves couldn't handle any more snakes. Julie had to go. The kids wailing could be heard two blocks away. The boss's wife hearing the story said, "Why I love snakes, I'll take Julie." Dinner was finally served. The boss stared across the table at his wife thinking of how much he loved her, never able to deny her smallest wish. No one knew that he had recently spent the entire night in his car, afraid to open the door because he had seen a baby snake. He wondered, how "his" nerves were going to hold up with Julie, and her gifts. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly. "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?" The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: France at a glance =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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