Der Webby: Monitor Interference 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 31, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!

Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts. --- Edward R. Murrow,
ACTUAL CAR ACCIDENT STATEMENTS Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle. Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light. Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash. Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
Resume Bloopers These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine: 1) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2) I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3) Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4) Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5) Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6) Its best for employers that I not work with people. 7) Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 8) You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 9) Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 10) I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 11) Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 12) Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13) I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14) I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15) I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16) I have six kids but other than that I am often quite rational.

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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to town council in Lodz, Poland Dctatorship August 9, 2007 - Lodz, Poland - Ananova A Polish woman came back from holiday to find the local council had built a traffic island and a new road in her back garden. But when Alicja Ziemowit, 48, complained she was told a change in the law meant local council officials could use private land for road building without consent and without paying compensation. A spokesman for the local council in Lodz said: "I don't know why she is complaining, it is not a busy road, and she can still get to the back of her garden quite easily." He said the road was expanded to improve access to a new computer factory and that the law change in December meant that they did not need permission. He added: "She still owns the land, it just has a road on it now."

Thanks to Lisa for this story: For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elsa Re: Monitor interference Dear Webby, While we are renovating, we are using a door laying flat on four short file cabinets as a desk. I sit on the handle side and my hubby sits on the hinge side. The monitors sit side by side in the middle, one facing east, one facing west. Net solution, right? NOT! When both monitors are on, they flicker like crazy and the colors are weird. Obviouly they are interfering with each other. Moving them apart makes the seating awkward and is not a solution. So, what IS the solution? Elsa Dear Elsa Take the side cover off one of the computers and stick it between the two monitors. The side covers are made from cheap sheet metal that blocks magnetic radiation. Don't use stainless steel or aluminum, it HAS to be cheap iron sheet metal. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - Portland, Maine - Gimundo At the hospital, relatives crowd around to see the newborn baby, Stephen John Sutherland II. Everyone agrees: He has his father's smile. Sadly, the infant's father will never have the chance to meet him. The first Stephen John Sutherland, a soldier, died more than a year ago in battle in Iraq. However, before Sutherland left the U.S., he froze some of his sperm to make sure that, even if he did not return safely from the war zone, a part of him would remain in the world. "I think that Stephen had, I don't know, a sixth sense telling him he needed to do this because he didn't think he was coming back, " Steven's wife, Maria, told WCHS6 News in Portland, Maine. Shortly after learning of her husband's death, Maria was impregnated with Stephen's sperm. Despite her tragic loss, she knew there was hope for the future thanks to Stephen's remarkable foresight, she could honor his memory by raising their child. ... _His_Death

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Ice Cube Tray for Earrings I bought 4 plastic ice cube trays. In each of the cube spaces I put a single pair of earrings. They stack easily and you can see 12 at once and find the pair you are looking for in a jiffy. This takes up very little room on my bathroom shelf also. By Connie Why not use a compact fold-out fly-fishing 96 compartment tacklebox? When the hinged lid is opened, all the drawers get moved out to display all of them for a quick overview. Many models can even be locked, and all of them have a safety latch so that it doesn't accidentally open while traveling through rough bush. When going on vacation, you can just take your little tackle box. After all, they ARE lures '-) DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." "Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. So I'll throw in a dog story of my own. On the last August weekend a few years ago I invited a lady friend to come along on a canoe trip up the McClintock River. As you can probably imagine, my canoe was slightly modified and improved. Instead of the silly high slat seats, I had put in low bucket seats, and because steering a canoe from the rear is not only hard on your back, but you don't see rocks or submerged trees until you hit them, I had put a steering wheel and motor controls up front. Even though the motor was raised up high so that the prop was just barely under water, thanks to the low bucket seats the canoe was not tippy at all, as long as everybody was sitting down. We were quitely cruising up the river, enjoying the senery and occasional wildlife on the shores. Because the bears were still out and about, I had two of my sled dogs with me. They knew that whatever was on the shore, was taboo and not to be chased. Then suddenly a beaver surfaced, saw us, slapped the water with his tail like a gunshot, and dove away. Naturally the dogs instantly went after it. Sled dogs are not light weight dogs, and when the two of them simultaneously pushed off with full force from the left gunnel, the canoe flipped quite instantly and we were sitting in the icy water. The water was only about waist deep there and it was no big deal uprighting the canoe and pushing it to the shore. The Yamaha outboard had stopped instantly when it hit the water, but had suffered no damage. I turned the prop a few times to pump the water out, then gave it a pull and it started as if nothing had happened. While the lady hung our clothes over bushes to dry, I motored on down the river to retrieve the coolers, which had gracefully drifted out of sight around the bend in the river. When I caught them, I decided to just tow them rather than risk tipping the canoe again by lifting them over the side. Must have been a hilarious sight with me sitting in the canoe bare naked, holding on to a cooler on each side, steering with my left knee and controlling the throttle with my right foot. Neither the food cooler nor the one with the camping gear and clothes had taken on any water, so we decided to camp right there and wait for the clothes to dry. The dogs had given up on the beaver and had chased and/or eaten anything that moved for a mile around, and went to sleep before we finished eating. As usual, they laid down right in front of the tent, not so much to guard against chaseable "killer" squirrels, but to make sure that they got triped over and petted whenever somebody entered or left the tent. Have FUN! DearWebby

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There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit giving me free nickles!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Crystal Cave
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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