Dear Webby's Road Warrior Kit for 2007 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Sept 1, 2007

We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse. --- Rudyard Kipling
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax," she said, "He's downtown playing poker with you."
TO: Medical Personnel FROM: Human Resources It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted" or "UFO-rejects". Persons who are hysterical or sufering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome are not to be called "LOV" (Low On Valium) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." The homeless are not "urban campers". Endotracheal intubation is not to be referred to as a "PVC Challenge". And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries. Sincerely, Director of Human Resources

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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!" Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday. "Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said. "Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to loose British prisons From the frying pn into the fire August 7, 2007 - Bicester, Oxfordshire, UK - Ananova An immigrant who broke out of a detention centre was caught after he knocked on the door of a prison officer. The Bangladeshi fugitive asked for help and shelter at the home of Bill Smith, 50. He told wife Sheila to call police but the runaway made another break for it over the garden fence. Bill restrained him and six officers arrived to take him back, reports The Sun. The prison guard said the shoeless fugitive appeared at his house at 9am yesterday. He said: "I sat him in a garden chair and gave him a drink of water and he calmed down. "He was frightened and didn't want to go back. But as a prison officer you're never off duty." Police are still hunting 14 immigrants after 26 broke out of Campsfield House detention centre, Oxfordshire, on Sunday. Bill, who works at Bullingdon Prison nearby, found the man's mobile and an ID confirming he was from Campsfield. He said: "A mobile may have helped him escape. The mind boggles that they are issued to them." He revealed it was the third time he has found escaped detainees in his garden in 23 years living in Bicester, Oxfordshire.

Thanks to Roland for this picture:
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?' Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sheila Re: Laptop Blues Dear Webby, I know you have answered this before, but I need help. I purchased a laptop and will be traveling. You had lots of good info about traveling such as the fiberglass used in hotels, but I can't remember the details because I didn't expect to buy a laptop. I really enjoy your news letter. Lots of info that's so helpful. Thanks for taking your time to help us! Sheila Dear Sheila Here is what's in the Dear Webby Road Warrior kit: 4mm or thicker Plexiglass cut to just fit into the lid of the wheeled carry-on, corners rounded for a snug fit and edges sanded. Leave the protective paper on. Some mice don't work well on bare Plexiglass, plus it's handy to write phone numbers, etc. on. The Plexiglass is to jam into a dresser or night-table drawer to provide a comfortable laptop desk, so that you don't have to sit on a tower of pillows. A proper keyboard that is short enough to fit into your wheeled carry-on. A decent 5-button mouse: Microsoft Laser Mouse is much cheaper and a bit smaller than the Intellimouse Explorer, though not as comfortable if you have large hands. 15' - 20' phone extension cable 15' - 20' light weight extension cord (5 Amp, lamp grade) 15' - 20' network cable Outlet multiplier cube 27 Watt folded spiral light bulb. They produce about the same amount of light as a regular 75 Watt bulb and turn a dingy, romatic hotel room into a brightly lit office instantly. Carefully slice the edges of the tough protective display box it comes in, so that you can re-use that for storing it in. PowerStat cigarette lighter plug in 110 Volt inverter Nowadays most laptops have the below listed items built in, but if yours doesn't, you need to get them: Wireless network adapter Plug in network card for wired networks Modem for dial-up Print-out of Earthlink local dial-up numbers for each state or country that you travel through, in case you get stuck in between planned destinations. AAA card and phone number. Put all of those items into a strong zip-lock bag and put it into the wheeled carry-on, NOT into the laptop case. With the size restrictions in effect now, you might as well check in the carry-on, and just carry the laptop in a comfortable pack-sack style laptop case. Some airports require a lot of walking, so don't put anything into the laptop case that you don't absolutely need on the plane. Decorate the carry-on and suitcase with bright and obvious colors to easily spot them from a distance. Brightly colored tape works fine, but try to use the same color combinations on all of your pieces. Get some self-seal cold lamination luggage tags, for example at Staples (#45383 in Canada, # 889545 in the US) and glue them to every piece of luggage. I use business cards with my picture on them, and any argument is instantly finished when I point at the tag. I have of course also epoxied them to the camera and the laptop. And that's all there is to my road warrior kit. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - Pembroke, West Wales - Ananova Great gran still feeling chipper Hard-working Connie Brown will celebrate her 100th birthday today by frying up fish and chips in her shop as usual. Connie, who has been working at the chippie since she and late husband Sidney opened it in 1928, is refusing to mark the milestone by taking a day off, reports the Daily Mirror. She said "I love my work. Why should I slacken because it's my 100th? I love the feel of the cod in my hands as I skin it and I still enjoy frying." Great gran Connie runs Brown's in Pembroke, West Wales, with help from son Hilton, 72, and grandson Steve, 44. And today she'll be in as usual at 9am to start skinning fish.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Organizing With Lists When you have a lot of things to do and feel unorganized make a list. Sit down in the morning and write down 5 or 6 things that you could get done during the day. Then I prioritize by numbering the items in the order that will serve you best. By Ardis Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv: "My wife's two hours late.... ...She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, .....or she's shopping. OY! I hope she's not shopping!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. So I'll throw in a dog story of my own. One time I was leading a string of pack-horses from Tincup to Burwash. On the map that's about 30-35 miles, so it's just barely doable in a day, if you leave at the first grey of dawn and don't mind arriving in the dark. I was riding one horse and leading four, and I had Erik, my lead dog with me. One of the pack horses had the extremely annoying habit of going around the wrong side of a tree, instead of following the horse in front of her, at least four times per mile. There was no trail, I was just cutting across dense bush and forest, using sections of animal trails, when they went in the right direction, but mostly just forging a new trail. After a while it got really annoying when that horse went around the wrong side of a tree, because each time it nearly pulled my left arm out of it's socket. You can't tie a pack horse to the saddle in dense forest, things break if you do. As my annoyance grew, my language got more colorful and Erik realized that pack horses are just under-educated sled dogs, and set about correcting that. He knew how to keep a team of dogs in line. With a nip here and a nip there, within a couple of miles the horse decided to stop her silly games, and followed the horse ahead of her. We made good time after that, and swam across the White River by moonlight at about 10:30 pm, and reached the highway shortly afterward. The truck that was supposed to be waiting for us, of course wasn't. So I drank the last of the lukewarm coffee in the thermos and led the horses down the highway to Burwash. By that time Erik and the naughty horse had become good buddies and were walking peacefully side by side. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at
GROAN Alert Yeah, I know you are going to groan, and then forward it. Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error... ... He replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Condiment Caravan
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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