Dear Webby: AOL Mail Problems 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 15, 2007

An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person. --- Joseph Addison
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

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Thanks to Connie for this story: My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us." They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mayor Dave Heilmann of Oak Lawn, Illinois Cute, but ineffective September 30, 2007 - Oak Lawn, Illinois - AP A big red sign that says "Stop" sometimes isn't enough to get everyone to stop. Maybe a laugh will get their attention. This Chicago suburb has installed second stop signs beneath the regular ones at 50 intersections with messages, including "WHOAAA" or "Stop ... and smell the roses." "I thought it might make people smile and take notice," Mayor Dave Heilmann said as he launched the campaign Friday. "You've got people on their cell phones, their BlackBerries and iPods while driving. Those are all distractions. Hopefully, when they see a sign they're not expecting it might make them stop." The new signs are red octagons, just like the real stop signs, but instead of just "Stop" they say "Stop ... right there pilgrim" and "Stop ... in the naame of love." Naame? Think of the drawn-out pronunciation in the hit by the Supremes. It might be too soon to know whether the alternative signs will work. But while the mayor was posing for a photo with one of the new signs, a driver sped by without stopping. ------------ It never ceases to amaze me to what length politicians go to, to avoid stop sign cameras, that would pay for themselves in a day or two, and wuld save a lot of lives. Last Wednesday my dad got run over right in the middle of a crosswalk by some cellphone using bimbo who blew right through a stop sign, and then took off in a hurry. A camera would have helped to put an end to THAT bad habit. Dad is OK but was limping badly for a few days, and regretting that he had just soft bread in his shoping bag instead of canned or frozen goods. He would have dented that drivers car considerably more than he did. DearWebby

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walt Re: AOL Problems again? Dear Webby, Received 10/13 copy O.K. This appears to be a spoof.... Walt D'Allaird To: ****** ( Walt ) From: ( Humor Letter @ ) Reply-to: Subject: Your e-mail address had been removed from the "Humor Letter" data base. Dear Walt That's not a spoof, just proof that AOL bounced your subscription and thereby bounced you off the list. The list program has no way of knowing whether you finally graduated from AOL, or if it was a temporary or permanent AOL screw-up. I don't keep hammering away at a dead address and simply hope that you subscribed with a working address. Since my reply to your letter bounced as well, this is the only way to contact you. The same applies to four other subscribers. My replies to you bounced back. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Yes, they do, brave oyster wrestler!"

Deeli's Kudos October 11, 2007 - Washington, US - AFP He sleeps on a bench, but he is king of chess during the day at Washington's Dupont Circle, where he dazzles beginners and masters alike with his winning moves on the park's stone chessboards. Tom Murphy, 49, makes what little money he has from teaching his prodigious knowledge of the game to passersby for a few dollars. "He has the title of expert in chess. This is the second highest American title; above him are master. So it means he is quite good," said Washington's Chess Center director David Mehler. A former math and science major and a celebrity among amateurs, Murphy has made the Dupont Circle public square America's most prestigious chess park after New York's fabled Washington Square, according to some chess lovers. "The mathematical equation has always been fascinating to me, then when you add the camaraderie, the ambiance, the open air, it's almost irresistible," said Murphy, peering over a park chessboard that draws players from all walks of life -- students, doctors, lawyers, drunkards. Murphy has won several chess tournaments and finished 15th in the 2005 world blitz championship. Murphy aims to get better at chess and rise to the title of master. "There is an upcoming tournament on Thanksgiving (November 22) in Philadelphia. That's looking promising," he added. For now, the homeless chess teacher charges 20 to 30 dollars an hour and will match his wits with any rival for two to five dollars per game. "Grand masters are teaching 100 or 200 bucks (dollars) an hour, masters can get at least 50, that's not bad," he said. ... 1011050233

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The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Paul from boasting to Greg about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Greg admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Paul looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." I gotta try it, said Greg. "Keli won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to Keli, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. His boss replied, "You are late, you're fired!" "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" Greg pleaded. "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

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GROAN ALERT One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.

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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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