Dear Webby: Getting small and text mail only 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Dec 4, 2007
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. --- Bill Vaughan
Thanks to Trish for this story: A Old farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is your Dad home"? The farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? The boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 stud fee for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
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OK, I KNOW a few hundred of you are going to ask me "What is a UTE ?" As near as I can tell, a ute is Australia's national secret, and the Aussies make it a national sport in confusing foreigners, when they ask what a ute is. They must have a huge computer database to ensure no two Aussies EVER give the same answer. A ute seems to be a vehicle that is smaller than an SUV, but is not a regular car. A stationwagon with a roof rack qualifies, especially if the rear door is missing or has the glass replaced with mosquito netting. Pick-up trucks qualify, as long s there is some modification. New and unmodified cars are never a ute, unless you put a brush guard on the front and remove the trunk lid. Vans and SUVs seem to qualify, if you tie a ladder or a bunch of work related stuff permanently on top. Basically, a ute seems to be a not too large or too new vehicle, that has been modified to make it more useful to the owner than it was when new.

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Seen on a bumper sticker: A Lesbian is a mannish depressive with delusions of gender. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alexander D. Smith in Clearwater, South Carolina too wacky forgery November 27, 2007 - Augusta, Georgia - NBC The Aiken County Sheriff's Office arrested an Augusta man who tried to open a bank account with a counterfeit $1,000,000 bill. Alexander D. Smith is charged with disorderly conduct and forgery. Investigators say Smith gave the counterfeit bill to a teller at Regions Bank in Clearwater, South Carolina. The employee refused to accept the bill and called the sheriff's office. Officers say Smith also purchased several cartons of cigarettes with a stolen check over the weekend. The largest denomination of currency ever printed is the $100,000 bill. That bill was printed back in the 1930s.
Thanks to Roland for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gene Re: Text only Dear Webby I didn,t ask for this information (link correction) from you. I did write to you in reference to the problem I was having recieving the humor letter all of a sudden, when I don't use any kind of mail blocking and I don't believe that my ISP hughesnet does either nor do I use any of the silly programs like AOL etc. I wonder if something might just be wrong in Gotham city in this instance? Would you please give me a reference to G- MAIL so that I can set up an account with them? thank you, GENE Dear Gene Since you received the plain text correction, but not the actual Humor letter with pictures, to which the correction applied to, some sniveling ninny is censoring your mail. I sent you a referral to gmail. They censor only spam, not legitimate subscriptions. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?" "I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the landscaper.

Deeli's Kudos December 3, 2007 - Margignan, France - Ananova French police have had their wish granted after writing to Father Christmas to ask for new police cars. Police in Marignane near Marseille told Santa "even your sleigh is faster" after being told there was not enough money in the coffers to replace their ageing cars. The letter, addressed to Father Christmas and written on official police note paper, read: "Dear Santa, our cars can't handle the job any more. "If you think we are exaggerating, you can try out the cars yourself. Even your sleigh is better than one of them." Local authorities have now put up the cash to buy new cars for police after seeing the letter published in a local paper.

John came from San Francisco to Depoe Bay and asked a native, "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the native replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Making Your Own Wreaths Make your own wreaths and swags from evergreen and holly branches. You can use an old wire hanger to attach the branches. Bend the bottom portion of the hanger to form the shape that you would like the wreath to be. Attach branches with wire or twist ties and add a bow. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My csecretaryt asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of Sam Hill are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my secretary followed me, the boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!' To which she replied: 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

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Thanks to Cookie for today's Bonus Link: Backgrounds
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby

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