Dear Webby: Open Office and PPS 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, January 17, 2008 Tomorrow is Friday!
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. --- Albert Einstein
Thanks to Sandie for this story: My creative mother enjoys doing crafts, such as making potpourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs workroom for hours, forgetting about more mundane things, like making dinner. One evening, I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again. But this time, I found a note that said, "Warning! Small craft advisory. Buy yourself a pizza!"

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Thanks to Scorpio9 for this story: A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does." Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars. Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", says the little old Jewish man ... costs too much." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Derrick Kosch, 25, in Kokomo, Indiana KOKOMO, Ind. (UPI) -- Police in Kokomo, Ind., said a robbery suspect accidentally shot himself in the groin as he put his gun in the waistband of his pants during a holdup. Authorities were called to the Village Pantry store at about 4:20 a.m. Tuesday by a female clerk who said a man fled after accidentally shooting himself during a robbery. The clerk did not see the shot, as she was retrieving cigarettes for the robber at the time, but surveillance footage shows the man accidentally firing the gun into his genitals while depositing it in his waistband. The robber ran off with the money, but police were called shortly after the incident and told there was a man who had been shot in a house on East North Street . Derrick Kosch, 25, was found with wounds to a testicle and one of his legs. Police said he would be arrested for armed robbery and related charges following surgery. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-288479-393524
Thanks to Cheryl for this picture: Hi Webby Re the photo on Monday- Maybe those cats in the tree were watching these birds in the tree near my house!!They are sulphur-crested cockatoos. They eat everything from the fruit off my trees to my outdoor fairy lights! Have even seen them attacking the baby clothes on next door's clothesline! Think we need those cats! Cheryl
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Open Office and PPS Dear Webby: My personal computer Guru, Do I understand this correctly??? With Open Office you can snag individual pictures from pps shows? I sure hope so...there are so many fantastic pictures in pps files. Cookie Dear Cookie Yes, you can! It opens the PPS with thumbnails of the individual pictures down along the left margin, and the highlighted thumbnail as the big picture in the center. You can edit the pictures, put text on them, change the duration of the show time, etc. And you can of course save the individual pictures that are "keepers". Or you can hit F5 for a traditional sit-back show. I can just hear you now: "Oh WOW! This is the way it should have been all along!" All of Open Office is that way. Like Microsoft Office SHOULD have been all along. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Meredith for this famous classic: ( For English as a second language students: The old word for donkey, as used in the bible, is ass. When used in that sense, the word is no more obscene or objectionable than the word donkey. ) The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the ad lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

Deeli's Kudos January 14, 2008 - Fairburn, South Dakota - UPI An 80-year-old Fairburn, S.D., woman shot and killed a mountain lion that was squaring off with her dog in her yard. Martha Smith said she first fired at the lion when she came outside and saw the cat snarling at her Border collie, Bo, whose barking alerted Smith to the unwelcome guest, The Rapid City (S.D.) Journal reported Wednesday. Smith missed with her first shot, which failed to scare off the intruder, and went inside to phone the authorities. However, the 911 dispatcher told Smith no one from Game, Fish & Parks was immediately available to take care of the lion. Smith said she saw no other option than to take a second shot at the big cat. "I knew I'd have to kill him," she said. "You can't have a mountain lion in your yard." She said she got within 20 or 25 feet of the lion and felled the beast in a single, second shot.

Thanks to Sandie for this story: My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display. After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided. She sighed, "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground." After a moment's pause, however, she continued, "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com January's Best Food Buys Buy food that is in season and you can save money at the grocery store. Here are January's Best Buys: Apples, Beef, Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, Chicken, Eggs, Grapefruit, Oranges, Pork, Rhubarb, and Turnips. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale.....!?"

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Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lightning
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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