Dear Webby: Open Office or Google ? 

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Good Morning, ! Friday, January 25, 2008 Wear something red to show your support for the troops!
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. --- Author unknown
Thanks to Angela for bringing back this classic: Yesterday I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had? PIGEONS since I'm retired, with little to do? I told her that no I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I explained that I probably shouldn't be going back on this diet because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, although I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story). Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; that I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me." The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman's handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom and made love to her. In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said "Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any minute."

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When Bush was visiting Israel he met the Israeli Prime Minister. In classic Bush style, the U.S. President offers a gift to his guest. "Here you go, says Bush. "Try out this shiny new Cadillac. It's their finest model." "Thank you, Mr. President, but I can not accept this magnificent gift." replies the Prime Minister. "Oh. I understand about gift limits. Ok then ... give me a half dollar for it. Then it won't be a gift." replies Bush. The Prime Minister gives Bush a dollar. "I don't have any change ... too bad" says the President. "No big deal... you'll just give me two Cadillacs" retorts the Prime Minister. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory Scott Hinkle, 53, of Davis, West Virginia Not clued in to Airport procedures January 23, 2008 - Washington - CNN Thanks to Ross for this submission. A passenger who went through an airport security checkpoint, before remembering that he had a loaded gun, is facing charges after going back to report his error. Gregory Scott Hinkle, 53, of Davis, West Virginia, went through a Transportation Security Administration checkpoint at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport about 7:30 a.m. The TSA contacted airport police, who charged the man with possessing or transporting a firearm into an air carrier terminal where prohibited, a misdemeanor, and released him. He is scheduled to appear April 2 in Arlington County, Virginia, General District Court. A TSA spokesman said the agency reviewed airport surveillance camera videos of the incident and removed the screener from security duties while an investigation is under way. "Appropriate actions will be taken once the investigation is complete," spokesman Christopher White said. ... =hpmostpop
Thanks to alert reader Roland for spotting this ad: Picking potatoes from the top, while they are in flower?
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donny Re: Open Office or Google? Thank you again for your newsletter and for your help in the past. I am just wondering if you know whether or not "Google Spreadsheets and Documents" are as good as "Open Office". I am now running Vista Home Premium with MS Office 2000 and can no longer get updates so I'm considering changing. Also. will these other programs read my previously created documents (Word, Excel) and allow editing of them ? Any advice would be helpful and a reply would be appreciated - I will, however, watch the newsletter; which I am getting with no problems in Gmail. Thank you, Donny Dear Donny Google spreadsheets and documents are in Google format, and stored on Google, so that collaborators can work on them from various locations. While that may be handy for some specific tasks, it's not really what you need. Open Office uses OPEN format, totally independent of the type of machine or operating system. It can read your WORD DOC and Excel stuff and even save in that format Converting to Open Office is totally painless and there is no need to get rid of M$ Office. It is a huge program, though, and will take a while to download. But it is well worth it! Have FUN! DearWebby
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When John died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But it was his last wish, for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than just full of crap, like he always was."

Deeli's Kudos January 22, 2008 - Pemberton, New Jersey - UPI A dog stolen with its owner's Jeep Cherokee outside a South Jersey convenience store was back home Saturday. Princess, a 7-month-old mix of Pekingese and Chihuahua, was turned over to an animal shelter in Pennsauken by someone who found her whimpering on the street Friday, WCAU-TV reported. The shelter's name, Almost Home, proved prophetic for Princess. Susan Fishman left the motor running when she stopped at a convenience store in Hanover because she did not want the dog to get cold. During the few minutes she was in the store, someone drove off in the Jeep. The car thief remains unknown, but a security camera at the store taped the theft. The Jeep was recovered in Camden.

Q. What do you call a redneck couple with only two kids, each? A. Newlyweds.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Writing Notes on the Bathroom Mirror When I need to do something in the AM, I jot a note on the bathroom mirror with a dry-erase marker at night. I see it as I am dressing and brushing teeth, and I can then wipe it off the mirror with a tissue. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Kati for this story: One day, Johnny Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where'd ya git dat truck?!?" "Tina gived it to me" Bubba replied "She gived it to ya? "I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" "Well, Johnny, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 301, in the middle of nowheres. Tina pulled off the road, put the truck in four-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! " "Bubba, yore a smart man! Her clothes woulda never fit ya

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Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Getty Gallery
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby

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