Dear Webby: Replacement for MS Publisher 

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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 15, 2008

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. --- Thomas Jefferson If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --- Henry J. Tillman
Thanks to Robert for this story: Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

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It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakastani boy and asked his name..... "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied. "How do you spell that? asked the teacher. "My mother helps me" said the little boy. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to HSBC bank in Easingwold, North Yorkshire, UK Bank is open February 7, 2008 - Easingwold, North Yorkshire, UK - Ananova A five-year-old boy pushed a bank door and it opened - 19 hours after it was supposedly locked up for the weekend. Oliver Pettigrew wandered into the HSBC branch in Easingwold, North Yorkshire, as his dad used a cash machine outside. Dad Daniel, 50, said "Oliver vanished and then appeared again. He said, 'Dad, the bank is open'. "At first I thought he was joking - but it was." Daniel and Oliver called police after walking right up to the vault of the deserted bank on Saturday. The bank had closed for the weekend at 4.30pm on Friday. An HSBC spokeswoman said there was a "malfunction" with the catch on the door. She said customers' savings had not been at risk. Oliver's mum Alison, 44, said: "There were no alarms. If not for Oliver that door could have been left open until Monday."
Thanks to Noella for this picture of the recent ice storm
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tam Re: Publisher Dear Webby, HI, how are you? As always, thanks for the great humor and advice. I look forward to reading your humor everyday. I have emailed a few times and you always help me out, so here I am again needing advice! My daughter is working on a school paper and needs microsoft publisher or desktop publisher (same thing?) I was wondering if theres a free version that I could get online for her to use. thanks in advance Happy Valentines Day! Tam Dear Tam Just get Open Office from It's publisher, called IMPRESS, seems to be better than Microsoft's publisher anyway. And Open Office is free! Have FUN! DearWebby
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A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to the sniffing dog and FBI February 14, 2008 - Miami, Florida - UPI Federal authorities in Miami were holding a Massachusetts man after he allegedly tried to leave the country with more than $1.3 million in stolen cash. Allen Seymour of Oxford was headed to Venezuela with his family when a money-sniffing dog detected the cash in the baggage compartment of a private aircraft at Opa-locka Airport. FBI Agent Albert D. Lamoreaux said Tuesday that Seymour illegally obtained the cash from a Massachusetts lawyer through a complicated series of transactions. The lawyer, identified only as R.D., was under federal investigation in a case involving the misappropriation of $1.99 million belonging to a client. Authorities said they believe Seymour was attempting to flee to Venezuela. Besides his wife and five children, he was also taking the family dog.

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "You have proven to yourself that you are in truly awesome shape. If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Serving Wine Uncork red wine an hour before drinking so it can breathe and rise to room temperature. Chill white wine and open right before you are ready to drink it. If you have leftover wine, put the cork back in the bottle, it will keep for a few days. If kept cool, it will keep for a lot longer before it turns into vinegar. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice." Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?) Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls." Pastor (incredulously...): " did what??? How in the world did they do that???" Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something." Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...!" Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!" Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can *we* do?" Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on the mice. I can probably do it if I can get enough little screws." Pastor: "WHAT?!?" Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Magnum Photography Landscapes - click on Gallery
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby

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