Dear Webby: What does Publisher do? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 16, 2008

Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, And toss them on the wheels of Chance. --- Juvenal
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in. (PAUSE) General, "I need two copies."

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A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the woman replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put his arm around her in a familiar way. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50." The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand, "Not so fast!" "I meant five times in the kitchen!" Happy 29th Birthday Deeli, from Dear Webby and a Million Deeli Fans! Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vincent Lowenberg, 81 of Lake Oswego, Oregon Dumb excuse! February 16, 2008 - Lake Oswego, Oregon - UPI An elderly man drove his car into the front of a Lake Oswego, Ore., bank, but there were no serious injuries. Vincent Lowenberg, 81, said he drove his car into the front of the US Bank location after his foot became wedged between the accelerator and brake pedals of his Nissan Altima, the Lake Oswego Review reported Tuesday. Bank manager Patty Zimmerman said one banker sustained a minor injury when a desk collapsed, but no one was seriously hurt. "I heard a loud noise," she said of the incident. "He just kept accelerating." Lake Oswego Police Capt. Don Forman said Lowenberg did not receive a citation for the incident but indicated he may be re-tested by the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles to determine whether he is fit to continue driving. Lowenberg said that no matter what, he's through with the Nissan. "I'm trading this in for a Cadillac," he said.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture of a Sea Eagle
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Publisher Dear Webby, Publisher is mostly for business stuff. Biz cards, labels, website builder...etc The Open office Writer, as you know, will do all those things. My kids were required to have publisher as well with no substitute and bought it on campus for about $10 (student edition) This was at Texas A & M so it could have just been those Aggies. Thanks for the reply, Eddie Dear Eddie Personally I have never seen a need for Publisher. Writer does the fancy paper work stuff, and web pages as well. Writer produces nice and clean HTML, quite unlike Publisher. Fixing pages produced with Publisher is a nightmare and not something I do without a hefty fee. Web Pages produced with Open Office Writer have HTML as clean as DreamWeaver and are a breeze to maintain and update. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Gloria for this story: The best thing about moving back to my hometown was seeing so many familiar faces. One day, in the grocery store, I recognized a man who had been a good friend of my parents. He noticed me staring, so I quickly introduced myself as John and Helen's daughter. "Helen's daughter!" he exclaimed. "Oh, such a beautiful lady." He called to his wife, "Martha, come and see Helen's daughter. You remember Helen - such a beautiful lady." "Oh yes," Martha replied. "She was always so pretty." After raving on about my mother, he turned to me and said, "You look like your father..."

Deeli's Kudos February 13, 2008 - Durango, Colorado - AP Accidentally locked out of her home and stuck in the bitter cold, Geraldine ''Gerry'' Palmer took matters into her own hands. An ax, to be more specific. Palmer, who turns 90 this weekend, said a sliding glass door locked behind her Saturday after she went outside to rearrange some things that had gotten wet on the patio. Snow had formed a pile about 7 feet high between her and the yard, so she had no escape. So Palmer picked up an old ax she had once used to chop wood and broke into her own home. ''I had to bang the glass four times with the ax before it broke,'' she said. After smashing the glass in the sliding patio door, she reached inside and unlocked it. http://www.happynews.com/news/2132008/w ... k-home.htm

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her. "What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues. She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 211empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Little Things Say "I Love You" A single rose can do the work of a dozen. Write a love note or poem to your partner. Place it somewhere unexpected; like inside of the morning paper or on the pillow. Last but not least, don't forget to say "I Love You", sincerely and often. If kept cool, it will keep for a lot longer before it turns into vinegar. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield. Now, a huge Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, corporal, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rules of Thumb
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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