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Thursday,  February 21, 2008

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. --- Solomon Short Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain. --- John F. Kennedy He who gives in when he's wrong is wise, but he who gives in when he's right, is married. --- Louis A. Safian
Thanks to Fred for this story: A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

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When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink and aimed it towards his crotch. The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Graham Calvert, 28, from Tyne and Wear in northeastern England Too dumb to be let out without supervision February 16, 2008 - London, UK - AFP A compulsive gambler is suing a betting chain for two million pounds in losses he racked up despite asking the firm to bar him, he said Thursday. Graham Calvert, a 28-year-old greyhound trainer, will go to the High Court next week in a bid to force William Hill to repay his losses because it failed in a duty of care to him. Calvert, from Tyne and Wear in northeastern England, said he told the company to bar him in May 2006, but was later allowed to open a new account with them. "If I'd known I had the problem and didn't do anything about it, I would see myself as being 100 percent responsible." Calvert's losses included 347,000 pounds on one bet alone, in which he forecast that the United States would win golf's Ryder Cup championships. ... ling_court
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barbara Re: Crossed out text Dear Webby, This is about the third time I have received an e-mail with a line through the print. How does this happen and is there any way to correct it without retyping the entire thing? The line starts in the 4th paragraph. Thank you for any help you can give, Barbara Dear Barbara Impossible to tell whether somebody did that on purpose, or out of sheer klutziness. The results are identical. To remove the cross-out, highlight it, and hit CTRL U. With Eudora that works fine, as you see below. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Kati for this story: A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth." She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

Deeli's Kudos February 20, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI A sad but 'Huge' Kudos go to Daniel Parmenter One of the survivors of last week's Northern Illinois University shootings didn't learn until days afterward that her boyfriend had died saving her life. Because Lauren Debrauwere was struggling with her own serious injuries, her parents told her that her boyfriend, Daniel Parmenter, was OK. Parmenter was sitting next to Debrauwere in their ocean science class last Thursday when a gunman entered the lecture hall and began shooting. Steven Kazmierczak, a former NIU student, carried out the attack in which five students were killed before he turned a gun on himself. Debrauwere's father said that Parmenter tried to protect Debrauwere by placing his body over hers while they were lying on the floor. Parmenter died of gunshot wounds to his head, back and side. Debrauwere was hit in the hip and abdomen. On Saturday, after consulting with a hospital social worker, Debrauwere's parents broke the news that Parmenter had died. His funeral was Tuesday at in Oak Brook, Ill.

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "She knows now...." .

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Clutter Control: Kid's Backpacks Have your kids take a day each week to clean out their backpacks. It will help them keep their school work organized and will prevent a messy backpack from exploding in your house. It also serves to help lighten load that kids have to carry on their shoulders each day. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzi instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations!" said the teacher. "You may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belted out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good!" exclaimed the teacher. "You may go home, too." Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny blurted out, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday!"

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Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Bagpipes on police budget
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby

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