Dear Webby, I need a laptop for accounting 

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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 22, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red to show your 
support for the troops!

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. --- Elbert Hubbard Gore is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts. --- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Two young men leave a bar after a long night of drinking, stumble through the worst rain storm they have ever seen and get in their car and start it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appears in the passenger window and taps lightly. The passenger screams, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver speeds up, but the old man's face stays in the window. The passenger rolls his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, says, "What do you want?" The old man softly replies, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger hands the old man a cigarette, rolls up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it," to the driver. A few minutes later they calm down and start laughing. The driver says, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there is a light tapping on the window and the old man reappears. "There he is again," the passenger yells. He rolls down the window and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window and screams, "Step on it!" The driver pushes the accelerator to the floor. Then, the old man taps on the window again. "Oh, my God, he's back!" the passenger screams. He rolls down the window and yells at the old fellow, "What do you want?" "Do you guys want some help getting out of the mud?" the man asks.
Thanks to Myrea for this picture:
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Leicestershire County Council Too dumb to ask for proof May 18, 2008 - Leicestershire County, UK - Ananova A council spent £1million protecting rare newts on a building site - only to discover there were none there. Leicestershire County Council delayed a major road-building scheme for three months after evidence of great crested newts was found on the site. The species is protected by law, but after the authority paid hundreds of thousands of pounds for special newt-fencing and traps, not one of the rare creatures was discovered. The action was taken on the strength of a report from environmental experts, which found there could have been between one and 10 of the 6 inch amphibians on the site. Officials have lodged a complaint with the government, claiming the outlay would have a knock-on effect on local services, reports the Daily Telegraph. Council leader David Parsons fumed: "I'm not happy that we have gone a million pounds over on the bypass and then found no great crested newts. ------------------------------------ They are not the only boneheads that have been conned by the "Back To The Caves" fanatics. A much needed highway from Austria to Switzerland has been held up for over 15 years because of claims that some fictitious bird had once been seen there. There are no pictures of the bird, and no credible person has ever seen it, but heavy traffic is still forced to go through narrow village roads.
Consider the man who couldn't make up his mind what to order, no matter how long and hard he studied the menu. Finally, he turned to the waiter for help. "Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert." "That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" "We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Zamymia Re: Looking for XP Dear Webby Hi! I read your letter every day, and like what you recommend, so please can you help me make a decision?, I need to buy a small laptop computer so that I can do some of my work (accounting) on the weekends at my house. There is so many options out there Dell, Gateway, HP etc... what program do you recommend XP Home Edition, Vista?. I'm totally confused. Can you help? Zamymia Dear Zamymia Above anything, stay away from HP and Compaq, and stay away from Vista. With accounting, that would depend on what type of accounting you do. If you do Enterprise or Auditing type of accounting with spreadsheets, you will be happiest with a regular old XP desktop with a dual video card and two large old-fashioned monitors. A refurb 5 year old machine will be just fine, or even older but with a new hard drive. If you do book keeping type keypunching with input programs like Quickbooks, then a lightweight notebook will be fine, since you never have to look at big spreadsheets and everything is nicely summarized for you. Here is a link to a Inspiron™ Laptop 1520 with XP for $649 Like most laptops nowadays, it has the wide screen favored by the fake Rolex yuppies, who need to be seen carrying something other than a cell phone, even if they don't know how to use it. Other than that it is fine. It has hundreds of times more power and speed than needed for accounting. After all, you COULD be doing even bigger spreadsheets just as fast with a 386 and QuattroPRO for DOS. Have FUN! DearWebby

A woman drove a minivan filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady," shouted a man in another car, "don't you know when to stop?" She rolled down her window and screamed at him, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

Deeli's Kudos May 21, 2008 - Indianapolis, Indiana - AP A 96-year-old great-great-grandmother says it was ''fun'' going around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway at 180 mph. ''Oh, that was fun!'' Edith Pittenger of Muncie said recently after taking a trip around the famous track in a two-seater Dallara with driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. The ride from the Indy Racing Experience was a Christmas gift from Pittenger's children. Pittenger, who is retired from Ball State University as assistant director of personnel services, began attending the Indianapolis 500 in 1965. ''I like the excitement, the speed, the noise,'' she said. ''I'm one of the few that like the noise.'' She said, 'I don't want them slowing down because I'm 96." After a second lap, Pittenger said, ''I can do better!'' and Luyendyk, a veteran of the 2006 Indy 500 and son of the two-time winner, took her rocketing around the track at 180 mph. ''I didn't know how fast we were going, but we were going,'' said Pittenger. ... s-indy.htm

A couple invites a group of friends to dinner. As they sit down at the table, the wife turns to their 6-year-old daughter and says, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replies. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answers. The daughter bows her head and says, "Lord, why on earth did I invite these ungrateful bums to dinner?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Longer Life for Your Carpet - Area Rugs Depending on how your house is laid out, you may have some areas that will have high traffic regardless of how your furniture is arranged. Consider a area rugs in these locations. Another good policy is to have family members take off shoes when entering the house. Visit ThriftyFun For More Carpet Tips By Clicking Here ... 4_580.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. Business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I finished my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Thanks to Ed for today's Bonus Link: Human Space Flight
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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