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It's Saturday,  May 24, 2008

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. -- Taylor Benson It is not what we get. But who we become, what we contribute ... that gives meaning to our lives. --- Anthony Robbins
After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon." "Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the preacher. "What caused him to leave, if I may ask?" "Oh he's walked in his sleep since he was a child."
Thanks to Myrea from for this picture:
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Assemblywoman Francis Allen of Las Vegas Poor table manners May 21, 2008 - Las Vegas, Nevada - UPI Battery charges have been filed against a Nevada state assemblywoman who said she stabbed her husband, because he embarrassed her in front of friends. Assemblywoman Francis Allen, R-Las Vegas, is accused of using a steak knife to stab Paul Maineri in the forearm. Maineri told police his wife of seven weeks refused to get help for him so he drove himself to the hospital. The Las Vegas Review-Journal said Allen was charged with battery and domestic violence with use of a deadly weapon. She could be sentenced and convicted to 10 years in prison and fined $10,000.
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun. When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said most gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: many subscribers Re: Anti Virus Ann, in the tech answer of the day, probably doesn't realize AVG still has a free version of 8.0. They just have it hidden very well in their website. I don't know if AVG realizes that they left a back-door open and will slam it when they find out, or if somebody did that on purpose. However, if I was an AVG user, I would hurry and get the free one while it is still in there. Have FUN! DearWebby

"Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Deeli's Kudos May 31, 2008 - Tokyo, Japan - AP When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help. Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said. He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet. ''I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura,'' the bird told the veterinarian , according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs. ''We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke,'' Uemura said. The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years. But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials. ''I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely i gnored me,'' Uemura said. ... ddress.htm

A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit by a frying pan. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says: "Boy are you ignert! Now here's how I do it. When I get rip roaring drunk I go borry my buds low rider Harley and go screamin up and down my block a couple of times a hootin and a hollerin. I take the Harley raht up on the porch and then start screamin and a cussin. I slam open the door and scream, 'Hohney, Ah'm home! Let's get it on!' And you know what's amazin'? My wife is always sound asleep!!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Mending Holes in Screens If you have a hole in a screen door or window screen, you can mend it just like you mend a piece of clothing. Just stitch the hole shut using fine nylon thread or wire that matches the color of the screen. If it is too big to repair, you can replace the entire screen. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Repair Tips By Clicking Here Don't try to take apart a screen section of a door or window. You will damage it beyond repair. Look for a thin groove, with a rubber sring pressed in. Gently lever that rubber string out with a narrow screwdriver. As you get it out, you will see that that is all that holds the screen. Once you have the old screen removed, fold one side of the new screen around the rubber string and force it back into the groove. Then do the opposite side. Don't go around the clock. If you have never done it before, get extra screening material. It is cheap, and you are bound to mess up a few times until you get the hang of it. But then you are the hero of the neighborhood! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye guide dog bit me."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: America, by Old Blue
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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