Dear Webby: Monitor aspect ratio 

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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 2, 2008

Who is more busy than he who hath least to do? --- John Clarke Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. --- Rudyard Kipling
Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild sedative to keep her happy. One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack. On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery. The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Redneck Limo Good enough for the wedding, but they are going to paint it all white for her graduation. It's her first one, ya know!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a couple in Vancouver, BC Advertised baby for sale May 28, 2008 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Reuters A couple has been arrested in what Canadian police said on Tuesday was an apparent offer to sell a seven-day-old baby girl on Craigslist for C$10,000 ($10,100). A woman who saw the offer on the popular website alerted police who tracked down the 23-year-old mother and 26-year-old father using a cell phone number that was l isted in the advertisement. Vancouver police said the couple told investigators the offer was a hoax, but were arrested for public mischief with other criminal charges possible as the investigation continues. "There are so many questions here," Constable Tim Fanning told reporters. Police said the advertisement described the baby as "very cute" and "unexpected" and that its parents, who could not afford to care for it, wanted to give it a good home. The child was put in the care of social workers. ... aby_odd_dc
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Letters Dear Webby What a suprise and thank you Just downloaded your 'clear type'. Never thought it would make much difference but can see it immediately. H xmuzak Hi Webby A VERY BIG thanks to Diane for those San Francisco Fleet Week pictures. Have NEVER seen better. The only thing missing was the scream of those engines!! I will enjoy them over and over! Cookie Dear Webby That list of add-ons for Windows makes it look like Linux, where you get the basics and then spend a month scrounging for the essentials to make it civilized. I do appreciate it, though, that you went the extra mile to collect all the extras in one spot and give us the links to them! Kudos to you! Ollie Dear Webby I used to think that you were just an opinionated old fart when you bitched about the wide aspect notebook screens. "Fashionable with the fake Rolex yuppies, who don't know any better", you had written. I laughed, until I got stuck with one myself. Then I turned into an opinionated fart too. I miss that bottom third of the screen! All routines and optimized work habits need to be changed. It just might fly throgh somebody's door or window too, one of these days. Christine Dear Christine It will take a lot of noise to make the manufacturers switch from 5:2 back to 4:3 ratio screens, since those are more expensive. But if there is enough noise and demand, they will switch. Unlike Microsoft, the manufacturers do listen to what the customers want. Have FUN! DearWebby

A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"

Deeli's Kudos May 26, 2008 - Newport News, Virginia - UPI The parents of a Newport News, Va., middle school student says their son tracked down the owner of a ring he found with his metal detector and returned it. Jose Velazquez said his 13-year-old son, Joshua, keeps most of what he finds with his metal detector, but he decided to track down the owner of a 14-karat white gold class ring that contained a ruby after he found it at Yorktown Beach. Velazquez said the ring was inscribed with Woodside High '08 and the name Vivianne M. Corrales. He said the family found only one Corrales in the Woodside High zip code using and was able to contact the senior, who hadn't yet realized the ring was missing. Velazquez said the decision about whether to track down the owner of the ring had been left up to Joshua. "I'm proud of his decision to turn it in," Jose Velazquez said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad. "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple was finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband woke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride, who, without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Makeshift Funnel Don't have a funnel handy? Aluminum foil can be easily crafted into a funnel that will work in a pinch. Get a piece of aluminum foil that is twice as long as it is wide and fold it to form a square, use this to roll into a funnel. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here An empty bleach or vinegar jug makes a very nice funnel. Just cut the bottom half off. Dish soap bottles make excellent small funnels. If you use a funnel for oil, for exaple for your car or lawn mower, put it into a plastic bag after use. Otherwise it will attract dust and require cleaning. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

Jeff was out playing golf and he had his usual caddy with him. "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?" "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere. You caught me off guard."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: My Favorite Word
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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