Zoom the font size for best readability! Good Morning, ! It'sMonday, August 4, 2008
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --- Albert Einstein
Michele is working in a music store. This guy is looking for a disc by Steve Earl. He's looking in the "S" section. Michelle informs him that all artists are filed by their last name so he should look under "E". The man immediately becomes incensed and says, "Then why the HELL is Joe Jackson filed under '*J*'?"
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Patrick Pogan of the New York Police Department Rookie cop gave dubious account of his bicyclist assault http://snipurl.com/3abr8 JULY 29--You may have seen that YouTube video of the New York cop viciously knocking down a bicyclist in Times Square last week. Officer Patrick Pogan's blindside hit on Christopher Long led NYPD brass yesterday to strip the rookie cop of his gun and badge pending a department probe. That review will surely focus on the 22-year-old Pogan's sworn account of the takedown, which led to Manhattan prosecutors filing three misdemeanor charges against the 29-year-old Long, who was participating in a monthly bike ride organized by transportation activists. n the Criminal Court complaint filed against Long (who spent 26 hours in jail after his arrest Friday night), Pogan offered a fantastical version of the incident. Pogan claimed that Long drove his bicycle directly into him, knocking the cop to the ground and causing "lacerations on deponent's forearm." The video, of course, shows Pogan delivering a blow that would have made former Oakland Raider Jack Tatum proud. The trumped up charges are at "The Smoking Gun": http://snipurl.com/3abyk [www_thesmokinggun_com]
While down south on a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely. When he called for her, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, long dress. He remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful dress." "Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly. "It sure does," he replied.
Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten everyday since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist. The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything seems perfectly normal. Everyday for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black and brown. Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is terrible wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens. Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says "oh boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Janet Re: Not printing all letters Dear Webby, Every day we see an email from someone with a problem and your helpful reply. For those who are new to Dear Webby, I'd like to say that I have been receiving my daily dose of laughter and great links and assistance from the 90's. And each time I have had a problem and written in, Dear Webby has helped me find a solution, even though my email was not printed in the newsletter. I know that I can trust the references, hints, and tips found in the newsletter. And I look forward to receiving it every day. I have it delivered to my gmail account also, so that when yahoo goes woooy I can be sure to get it. Thanks Webby, and keep up the great work. Janet Dear Janet Thanks for the kudos! I get a lot of mail and a lot of help requests. It would be impossible to print all. Usually I try to select one that is representative of the most. Here is a helpful hint from Kate: To Help the Vickster, I have found that: http://pcpitstop.com/ is a wonderful place to test your PC, and get advice step by step to fix any wrongs including viruses. I know Ive been helped many time without much stress. The forum is at: http://forums.pcpitstop.com/ and there are areas that deal directly with virus issues/if any. Kate Have FUN! DearWebby
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table..
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Movie Rewards Cards If you go to the movies often, check if they have a Movie Rewards program. You get points every time you purchase tickets and when you get enough points, you get something free like popcorn, a drink or a free movie ticket. Visit ThriftyFun for more Frugal Entertainment Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Entertainment_2431.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer puzzled asked, "How do you start a flood?"If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 87 )
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. --- Barry LePatner Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. -- Jane Wagner “Obama was in Germany [last week], and a lot of people showed up. There was so many Germans shouting and screaming insults and obscenities, that France surrendered again.”
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." Pat says, "But, I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
Thanks to Marie for sending this picture:Ooops! The dog is going to get yelled at.
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A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he had hit a cow on the road the night before, and needed to buy one to replace it, and that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his cow as follows: Basic cow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 499.95 Shipping and handling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35.75 Extra stomach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79.25 Two tone exterior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142.10 Produce storage compartment . . . . . . . . . . . . 126.50 Heavy duty straw chopper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189.60 Four spigot/high output, milk system . . . . . . . 149.20 Automatic fly swatter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88.50 Genuine cowhide upholstery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179.90 Deluxe dual horns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59.25 Automatic fertilizer attachment . . . . . . . . . 339.40 4 x 4 traction drive assembly . . . . . . . . . . . 884.16 Pre delivery wash and comb . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69.80 FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: . . 2,843.36 Additional dealer adjustments: . . . . . . . . . . 300.00 TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including installed options): $3143.36
Deciding to take up jogging, James was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's for cab fare home, when you've jogged too far."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Vickster Re: How to tell that your computer is infected Dear Webby, Sorry to be a pest here with my 76 yr old gray cells! It's a subject that's come up before by other readers and I've wondered, but never asked. Regarding today's "Tech Pits" item: how in the world does one determine they have been infected with something (let alone know what it is!) if none of their programs can detect it?! Vickster Dear Vickster If you have unexpected pop-ups or slow-downs, and see weird stuff in the Task Manager (CTRL ALT DEL), then you check what that weird stuff is about. It would probably be a good idea if you had a look at your task manager, and maybe even print it out. That way you can compare it if you suspect a problem. Have FUN! DearWebby
Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home drunk!".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Rolling Existing Car Loans Into a New Car Purchase Don't buy a new car if you haven't paid off your old one, unless you have equity accumulated. Dealers roll the existing loan into the new car financing, owing more than the car is worth. This is a bad situation for the borrower but a good one for the dealer. Visit ThriftyFun for moreCar Buying Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Buying%2 ... 6_130.html Visit ThriftyFun for more Christmas Budget Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/search.ldml?q ... act=Search Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied....If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 77 )
The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. --- Red Auerbach
A modern mother is explaining to her little girl about pic- tures in the family photo album. "This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here's your sperm donor and your father's clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo. The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, she's the family genealogist who draws those trees with the family branches."
Thanks to Joe for this picture:Fair time in Colorado
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The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shelley Re: Antispywaremaster I have apparently been infected with a bug called antispyware master. Spybot doesn't see it, neither does my antivirus. I looked it up and it seems to be one of the most common, and one of the worst to get rid of because it changes. Do you, O sage, know how I got this, and how to get rid of it? I am very careful about my surfing! Thank you for everything, especially being someone we can ask and expect straight answers from. Have a great day! Shelley Dear Shelly From what I could find, it comes bundled with some stuff that you or your hubby agreed to get, without reading the small print. http://www.superantispyware.com/ supposedly removes it. Manual removal instructions are at http://www.windowsvistaplace.com/antisp ... re-removal Have FUN! DearWebby
A son comes home from the Army. After a few hours, he finally gets to talk to his father alone behind the barn. "So, son, what did the Army teach you?" asked the father. "Well, they taught me how to kill people," said the son. "With what?" asked father. "We used all kinds of things, like guns and knives, but my favorite was the grenade," said the son. "What's a grenade?" asked the father. "Well, I brought one home to show you. You just pull this pin out and throw it as far as you can," said the son. The son proceeded to give a demonstration. Lo and behold, the son throws the grenade behind the outhouse. KABOOM!!! The outhouse is demolished. All the lumber and everything else lands in a heap in the yard. Grandpa sticks his head out of the pile and says, "Whew, glad I didn't let that one loose in the house!".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving For Christmas Don't be caught off guard by Christmas expenses. Start saving now and you can limit the stress that Christmas puts on your financial well being. When it comes time to buy presents and throw parties, stay within your budget and give your credit cards a break. Visit ThriftyFun for more Christmas Budget Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/search.ldml?q ... act=Search Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors could not determine the cause of the problem and didn't give him long to live. So, he decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen." The clerk shook his head and said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you, if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.4 / 77 )Today is Friday, time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. --- Woody Allen It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. --- William G. McAdoo
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
Thanks to Myrea fom fairiesworld, for this picture:
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Police Quotes "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, right?" "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket, just like this one." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny. The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic, do you, Johnny?" Little Johnny shook his head, too, "You don't know my father."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walter Re: Page Numbering in Open Office Hi Dear Webby, I am once more looking for your invaluable help. In today's HL you mention Open Office. I just downloaded it and can't figure out how to insert page numbers in the lower right hand corner of documents. Thank you once again, Walter Dear Walter ALT I R (Insert, FooteR) makes a footer. If it is not already there, put the cursor into the footer Type "Page "and a space, without the quotes, of course. ALT I D P (Insert, FielD, Page Number) Type "of "and a space ALT I D C (Insert, FielD, pageCount) CTRL A (Select All) CTRL R (Shove all the footer stuff over to the right side) The result will be: Page 1 of 7 You can of course format the font and size, add date, time, title, etc. The main difference is that you hit ALT I R first to deliberately make a footer. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor, who gave him a monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reducing Weight of Large Flowerpots When filling huge flowerpots, reduce the weight and the amount of soil you need by filling the bottom with recycled styrofoam peanuts or even chunks of styrofoam. I get pieces when I need them from the dumpster behind a furniture and accessories store. Visit ThriftyFun for more Creative Planter Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Gardening_Cre ... 7_509.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her breasts, points it at the shrink, and says "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.2 / 86 )
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. --- C. S. Lewis No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. --- Bertrand Russell
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Thanks to Walter, the stonecarver, for sending this picture:
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The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph. However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century. Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village. He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C. "Drive in every day and you see a very offensive word." Dr Ball has suggested Launt as an alternative name, which he says would be pronounced the same. However, others in the village say the vandals should not be allowed to ruin their heritage. Steward Dobson, 84, a parish councillor, said: "This village is very, very old and people don't want the name changed." David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village." ------------ Cameras, proximity detector activated dye packs, motion detector activated water sprayers, or even something as simple as a trip-wire activated water pistol filled with dye and skunk oil has not occurred to the simple folks there.
Two husbands, Greg and Paul, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Greg said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Paul, "How do you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Greg. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Farmer: On a typical day I have to get up at six in the morning, then I work for five hours, then I take out a few minutes for lunch, then I work another five hours... City Man: With all that work, what do you grow? Farmer: Tired.
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Susan Re: Is Open Office OK for business? Dear Webby I tried to get my brother's old Microsoft Office after he left college, to use in my business. He told me to use Open Office, and that MS Office was only used in college "because the shiny shoes get bribed and/or were scared of having to learn someting new." He said Open Office was not only free, but actually better than MS Office. Is that true? Susan Dear Susan Yes, that is indeed true. Open Office has more features that are appreciated daily in the business world, for example saving invoices or quotes or flyers as PDF files, and it can save files not only in the Open Standard format, but even in Word perfect or Microsoft format. If both cost the same, I would buy Open Office. Since Open Office is free, and always will be, the choice is quite clear. Have FUN! DearWebby
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already.".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them. Doctors are usually in a hurry so don't let them rush you and make sure all your questions are answered before he/she rushes off to the next patient. Visit ThriftyFun For More Health Advice By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Health%20& ... _1228.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.7 / 176 )
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. --- A. J. Liebling
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."
Thanks to Marie for sending thispicture:Near Bittinger, Colorado
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Thanks to all the people who identified Deeli's bird as a Black-crowned Night Heron. It seems the Night Heron is totally different from the long necked and long legged white and blue Herons.
One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" The driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this." So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" The driver said.
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: martha Re: Yahoo mail As you can readily see in regards to the e-mail below, for some odd reason the only part of the e-mail that is readable is the advertisements. What happened to the actual content of humor at webby.com. Please advise, thank you. Dear Martha Yahoo figures that is good enough for the silly yahoos who don't want to get real email. The content is there, and when you hit Reply, you will see it. If you don't, Yahoo hides it from you and makes you look silly. There is nothing I can do about Yahoo messing with you. When you are ready to get standard and proper email, I'll gladly send you a referral to gmail. Have FUN! DearWebby
A beautiful young woman went into the hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation, the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre, and left her lying outside on a trolley for a few minutes. While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague was called over, and he too began to examine her. By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation, and asked the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when is this bloody operation going to start?" "We haven't got a clue," came the reply, "we're just the painters.".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Firewood Tips: Find Dry (Seasoned) Wood It takes 8 to 12 months to dry (season) wood for burning so unless you have wood on hand already, you will want to purchase dry wood. Dry wood burns longer, cleaner and produces greater heat. Unseasoned wood creates a potentially dangerous creosote buildup in your chimney. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com If you dry the wood in your yard, pile it onto plastic sewer pipe runners. That not only blocks most of the creepy-crawlies, but it speeds up the drying quite dramatically. The electrical and moisture insulation somehow makes a huge difference. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thaks to Lilly for this one: Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get home late with the excuse "I had to shoot a car wreck," or "I had to shoot a football game." Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor."If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. --- Benjamin Franklin To be great is to be misunderstood. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the @#$% up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
Thanks to Toni from freedomfromwork.com for this picture of a frog cooling on off on her air conditioner.Toni lives in the hot part of Florida
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Deeli sent me a picture of a red eyed bird, hoping that one of you can identify it.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thomas Re: Weather Link Webby, You ask a question on the left side of your email, What links would you like to see here. Would it be possible to have the current weather come up for every subscriber, no matter what there location. I'm thinking that once the subscribers zip code was entered it would be no problem. Thomas Dear Thomas I have not found any weather site that will work in all areas where subscribers live. Just go to your favorite weather site, set your preferences, refresh, then the drag the little icon from the left of the address bar onto an empty spot on your desktop. When you hit that icon, it will bring up your weather with all your preferences, just like you had them. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard about my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all you morons banging your metal spoons against metal pots, I'll go nuts!".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Auto Cool Review Auto Cool is a solar powered fan that has been heavily marketed on TV throughout the summer. They advertise that it keep your car cool when it is parked in the hot sun. The problem is, it doesn't work. Many reviewers of this product actually state it makes your car hotter. Don't throw your money away. To See Auto Cool Reviews On ThriftyFun, click here http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf61299237.tip.html For passive shielding get some cheap space blankets from a camping store or off the web for about $2.50 a piece. Here is a link to one of countless sources: http://snipurl.com/36x82 Google for a local source to avoid shipping charges. It is a reflective blanket about 5' x 7' and weighs 2 ounces. It reflects ALL of the sun if you use it as a fly and not quite touching the car. I have used them since the 60's and they are indeed amazing. Don't poke holes into them and don't put grommets into them. Stick some duck tape onto the corners so that it sticks out, and put gromets into those duck tape ears. Then you can secure it with thin, lightweight bungee cords. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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They always talk who never think. --- Matthew Prior No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets. --- Edward Abbey
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wondered sometimes if you'd be that concerned about me" "Honey," she answered, hefting the frying pan, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Caribou at Prudhoe Bay are in favor of drilling.
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From Mary: Dear Webby, do you remember that joke about a drunk beating up a ghost? I need it, can you please run it again? Thanks Mary Sure, Mary! A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Renee Re: Yahoo mail problems Hi Webby, I have the same problem as Brian (7/27/08 tech support question), which happened just a couple weeks ago. The page I receive is blank. I have to click your link in the left column to get your humor letter. Could you also send me a referral to gmail? What is gmail? I love your humor letter. Thank you for all your hard work in putting it together for us to enjoy. Thank you and have a happy day, Renee Dear Renee Gmail (Google Mail) is mail run by Google, instead of by the the silly yahoos (Yuppie Artsy Hebrew Oddball Opportunists). Like everything at Google, gmail works reliably and predictably. You can use gmail as WebMail, or you can use it with professional POP email programs like Eudora, Pegasus, or semi-professional POP programs like Outlook, Outlook Express, etc. You can continue to use Yahoo for cybersex, groups or whatever you use it for. You will just have a new and additional email address, and a mail system that works reliably and predictably. Have FUN! DearWebby
Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated. After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Supermarket Mistakes Watch the display screen at the register as your groceries are being rung up. If you are overcharged, speak up. Before you leave the store, double check the receipt and make sure that the prices were correct. If you catch the mistake before you leave the store, you can quickly get a remedy at the service desk. Visit ThriftyFun For Grocery Shopping Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Joe was delivering a load of manure to the convent and remarked to the friar about the beautiful roses they had. The friar told him that there would be a lot more and bigger roses, but that they were suffering from "Black Death". Joe had never heard of that and asked what this "Black Death" was all about. "Nuns with scissors," the friar replied.If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.1 / 146 )
The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand. --- Frank Herbert Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. --- Miguel de Cervantes
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering?" A 90 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brian Re: Yahoo mail problems Dear Webby It just happened recently. The page I received is blank, except for the ads on the left column. Please tell me how to fix it and continue to enjoy The everyday fun. Thank you, Brian. NB: When I reply to you, on this screen just beneath, I can see the jokes. It's blank when I open my inbox ! Dear Brian That's normal with the new Yahoo mail, and there is nothing I can do about their screw-up. Once you get gmail or any of the properly working email services, that problem will disappear. I'll send you a referral to gmail. It is free. Have FUN! DearWebby
Texan Emergency First Aid Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." The Texan ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldn't swallow. Then, the Texan asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she motioned that she couldn't breathe. With that, the Texan yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she screamed at him and brought up the piece of hamburger and began breathing on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hanging Craft Projects Put all the patterns and other supplies for a craft craft project in a plastic grocery bag with handles. Then slip each handle of the grocery bag over a clothes hanger and hang it a closet. You can cross the handles so the bag won't slip off the hanger. If the handles still have a tendency to slip, secure them with clothespins. Visit ThriftyFun For Craft Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?" "Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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Never spend your money before you have it. — Thomas Jefferson
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. "I say it's spelt W-H-O-O-M," said one. "No, it is W-H-O-M-B," said the other. A nurse passing by said "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B." "Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."
China is preparing and practising security for the Olympics.
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Thanks to Lynn for this: I saw an ad in the newspaper advertising a bathing suit that would subtract thirty pounds. I figure if I order two of them I'll be just about beach ready!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Collection of tips Dear Webby I know others have asked you about an ebook collection of your tips. Are you ever going to get around to that? Dorothy Dear Dorothy On my last ebook, Ettiquette To Get Read, I made about 5 cents per hour. Those who bought it, liked it, but very few bought it. It seems most people on the list consider me as family, and if something is not free, they don't want it. So, writing a new ebook is not very high on my priority list. There is one available that has many of my tips in it, plus some extra ones. You can get it at Formula It is well written and in a very easy step by step illustrated format. You are never left guessing whether you are doing the right thing. I bought it for myself too, just to see if I am missing anything, and if you want to tune up and clean up your computer, or fix problems, I can highly recommend it. If you click that link, you'll see a ridiculously long sales page that would be more suitable for a $5,000 course. There is no useful information in that mile of sales talk. Just hit CTRL END to get to the bottom. It costs $14.97 and is well worth it. Print it out and after you have followed all the instructions, put it into the ziplock bag with warranty and set-up CDs and official papers for your machine. Yes, I know you were going to find a ziplok bag for all that stuff some day. Make today that day! Have FUN! DearWebby
A question on the patient's form at the doctor's office asked who to call in case of an emergency. I wrote: "call a better doctor"..
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soap Pest Spray Mix two tablespoons liquid Ivory soap and one gallon water. Use a spray bottle to apply to your plant's leaves. It will help eliminate aphids, cinch bugs, spider mites, and white flies. Visit ThriftyFun For Pest Control Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Pest%20Control_705.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes! After the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today." Ted says, "Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom." When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your pants?" "I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game. I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss." "What about your pants?" "I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn't mine, so I put it away."If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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