Dear Webby: Keyboard for laptop 

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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 4, 2008

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. --- Hubert H. Humphrey God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ---Voltaire
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside and can't stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principle says, "Well then, why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says, "Cause she is sitting in the classroom smelling my fart, while she put me outside in this beautiful, clean air and sunshine."
A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."
Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sheena McMillan in Plymouth, England Nurse's 'naughty knickers' were on eBay, with her hospital address LONDON (UPI) -- A British nurse who used her hospital e-mail address to sell her underwear on eBay could be barred from hospital premises, officials said. Sheena McMillan's side business came to the attention of authorities at Derriford Hospital in Plymouth when an automatic alert system picked up an e-mail headlined "Naughty Knicks," The Sun reported. That was a reference to the British term for panties, knickers. The business was clearly catering to sexual fetishists, since McMillan offered clean underwear for 20 pounds ($32) and dirty underwear for 23 pounds ($37). The Nursing and Midwifery Council heard testimony Tuesday on McMillan's business. Sarah Page, speaking for the council, said that the messages were clearly inappropriate and that eBay bidders would have realized that the knickers were being sold by a registered nurse. The council referred the case to its health committee. McMillan, who was not at the hearing, argues that whatever she did has nothing to do with her ability to carry out her duties as a staff nurse. ------------------------------------- McMillan seems to fail to realize that using the employer's email system on company time for private business is not allowed anywhere, and it would not have made a difference if she had been selling bibles.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Keyboard for laptop Dear Webby Laptop keyboards don't seem to last around here, and aside from being slow and hurting my wrists, they break down and keys on them die. What solution have you got? Thanks Irene Dear Irene I sympathise with you! Laptop keyboards don't seem to be made for Western grown-ups typing at full speed. Keyboard technology has deteriorated over the years. Just like visiting the moon is a lost technology, so are the 160 word per minute electric typewriter keyboards of the 60's and 70's. The declne started when IBM moved the function keys from the left, where God intended them to be, up to the top. From there on it's all been downhill. The best you can do nowadays is get a fast 17" commercial grade keyboard. At 17" it will fit into an 18" carry-on or most decent laptop cases. I have carried one along since 1995. When sopmebody snickers, I have the last laugh. It's MY wrists and fingers that applaud. Commercial grade keyboards are surrisingly cheap. I use the $10 keyboards from They have the standard inverted T formation for the arrow keys, Insert, delete, Home and End are where you expect them. To make them perfect I pry off the CAPS LOCK, (and glue it onto somebody's fax machine), and I glue the eraser rubber from a pencil onto the MUTE button. That way I can just whack the general area to shut off the noise from pages that try to shove unwanted sound effects at me. Have FUN! DearWebby

Keli from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees that Keli is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." After some deliberation, Keli said: "I think I prefer males".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at Email to the Express Empress at, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Spend Less for Convenience If you find you eat fast food regularly because you don't have time to cook, try to find some packaged convenience dinners that you like and keep them stocked in the freezer. The quality of convenience dinners has improved, tend to cost half what a meal at a fast food restaurant and can be even cheaper if you use a coupon or buy on sale. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. "So I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wunder Photos
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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