Zoom the font size for best readability! Good Morning, ! It's Saturday, November 8, 2008
Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel Money is the most envied, but the least enjoyed. Health is the most enjoyed, but the least envied. --- Charles Caleb Colton
Thanks to Roland for this story: Case Closed Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Here is a cute classic that brings a smile every time: The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what? asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Too dumb to drive Train shuts toilets to avoid stopping GAVLE, Sweden (UPI) -- A train conductor in Sweden said he was forced to shut down the toilets because too much flushing could stop the train. The toilets on the run between Borlange and Gavle were shut off Sunday because of a high number of passengers and, therefore, the potential for a high number of flushings, the Arbetarbladet newspaper reported. The compressor that triggers the train's emergency brake is connected to systems that control the toilets, said Mats Gustavsson, a technician with the Bergslagen train line, the Swedish news agency tt reported. If the pressure drops below a certain level, the emergency brakes trigger automatically, Gustavsson said, noting it literally is possible to "flush on the emergency brake." Engineer Hans Kaplan, one of the passengers inconvenienced by the shutdown, called the situation "completely nuts. There has to be a mistake in the construction," he said. ------------ In case you are not familiar with how brakes on trains work: They are applied by very powerful springs, and held off by air pressure, just like on trucks and buses. To activate them, air pressure is allowed to drop by bleeding it off. However, normally the utility air and the brake air is in different lines, each with it's own reservoir tanks, with valves ensuring that one system does not affect the other. I would imagine somebody is going to get severely yelled at for making unsafe shortcuts!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? " The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: What is a Registry fixer ? Dear Webby, Would you be so kind as to tell me what the Registry Booster will do for me, and explain it in layman terms: Roland Dear Roland The registry records where programs are located, which program to use for what type of file, and so on. Basically a Grannie's cheat sheet. "Christmas wreaths are in hubby's closet, top shelf. Need stepladder to get them down." Because of the way Windows was built, obsolete entries are not always cleaned out. That entry about the Christmas wreaths from 7 years ago might still be there, even though Grannie switched to electric Christmas lights 6 years ago. It might say further down, that the lights are in the garage. But first Grannie gets sent to haul the stepladder to hubby's closet, where she remembers that she sold the wreaths on eBay six years ago. Naturally, that kind of clutter slows things down. A good registry fixer like Registry Booster backs up the registry, sorts out the clutter and dumps anything that is obsolete. On a machine that is a year old or older, that makes quite a noticeable difference in speed. It also reduces hang-ups and crashes, because Windows doesn't get lost in the wrong closets any more. It's not a "Buy this or die!" situation. If you are never in a hurry, you can putter along without a registry fixer for many years, and just gradually get used to the ol klunker getting slower every year. Personally, I like fast machines, and I need reliable machines, so I use the Registry Booster When I pay X amount of dollars for a certain speed, I demand that the machine runs at that speed even after 3-4 years. Have FUN! DearWebby
A guy found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler.
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at email@example.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Return Policies Before purchasing something, check their return policies. Most stores have restocking fees for opened items and some items like software cannot be returned if opened. Also, some stores only accept returns of certain types of items, like electronics, for anywhere from 7 to 30 days after purchase. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _6425.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
*Toddler Diet* Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most 2-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mid AirARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!Webby.com
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