Zoom the font size for best readability! Good Morning, ! It's Sunday, November 9, 2008
Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. --- Evan Esar
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there are twenty one dollar bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, of Rostraver, Pa. Drunk glider pilot gets curfew ROSTRAVER, Pa. (UPI) -- A Rostraver, Pa., man charged with drunkenly flying a motorized glider has been given a 10 p.m. curfew by a judge. West Newton District Judge Charles Christner ordered Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, to refrain from drugs and alcohol, undergo a mental health evaluation and be in his home by 10 p.m. every night after Tokar waived his right to a preliminary hearing on charges of reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Tokar is accused of flying his motorized glider as low as 10 feet over Willowbrook Golf Course Aug. 19 while shouting and spitting at golfers, police said. Witnesses also reported Tokar flying dangerously low over a field where children were playing soccer before he crashed his glider into cable lines at the golf course. Tokar was critically injured in the crash and a witness, James Troutman, was injured in his left leg. Police said Tokar was found to have a blood alcohol content of 0.151 percent -- well over the legal limit for intoxication, 0.08 percent -- and had taken benzodiazepines before the incident. Tokar was ordered to avoid all contact with the alleged victims.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Mysterious shutdowns Dear Webby, my computer would not turn on October 29th and I had to try many times to finally get it on and then it would shut down on me. I called a tech (never had him before as we are in the country and I don't know who to ask.) He took all my disks and reloaded Windows etc. and lost so much of my things!!! Even now, I can type for a few minutes and then it shuts down on me. Does this sound like a problem I should call Dell about? (I have a laptop). Thank you and hope I get some help so I can stay online! I always trust you and wish you were here to help me! Carolyn Dear Carolyn That sounds like you got infected with SP3. Call DELL support. Don't deal with idiots who lose your stuff, except maybe to sue the dumb bastids. Anybody with the brains of a rutabega (very dense turnip) first backs up all docs, spreadsheets, pictures, recipes, mails, etc. onto CD or DVD, or onto the web, and THEN messes with in the drive. Before calling Dell, make a log of all that happened with the machine. Also, use the Belarc Advisor from my tool box and print out a complete inventory of your machine. It does that for both hardware and software. Read that inventory a few times and highlight chapter headings, so that you can find them fast, if needed, while on the phone with Dell. Dell's support techs usually speak fairly good English and they seem to know their stuff. Make sure that your phone is fully charged! They seem to be getting paid by the minute they spend with you, and like stretching things out. So, use a land line, not a cell phone, and if possible, a head-set. Have FUN! DearWebby
New drugs for women: Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at firstname.lastname@example.org, and she will post it into the blog for you.Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preparing to Paint Remove molding, outlet covers, and light fixtures so that they don't get paint on them. Anything that you can't remove, cover with plastic or masking tape. Your reward will be a much more attractive and professional looking paint job. Visit ThriftyFun For More Painting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_611.html Items that are difficult to mask, like for example ornate door hinges, can be protected by painting them with melted butter first. Unlike vaseline and other paint resitors, it does not mix with the paint, and is usually easily available. When the paint is dry, you can sponge it off with hot dishwater. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critter CaringARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!Webby.com
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