Zoom the font size for best readability! Good Morning, ! It's Monday, November 10, 2008 Tomorrow is Veterans Day If you have any suitable jokes or pictures, please send them to me early in the day.
"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone" --- Bjarne Stronstrup
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?" "Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?" Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."
Goadster, Buckethead, and Graahound were all locked away in the Armstrong Mental Institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.) One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform. The doctor motions to Goadster. "Jump." Without hesitation, Goadster leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Buckethead, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Buckethead flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Graahound, "Jump." Graahound shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Hound. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" Graahound says, "I can't swim."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Rosenberg, 18, Los Gatos, California Dopey teen causes expensive search SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (AP) -- A mother's frantic 911 plea for help finding her injured baby lost in the Santa Cruz Mountains led to an expensive search that ended with rescuers locating the youth stoned on drugs. Eighteen-year-old Matthew Rosenberg had used his cellular telephone Monday night to call his mom and tell her he tripped, broke his leg and was lost. But Cal Fire Capt. Bill Finch says the Los Gatos High School senior didn't break his leg, adding the teen had apparently used hallucinogenic mushrooms, possibly also LSD, and just "thought" his leg was broken. Finch says the teen "was really gorked" when rescuers found him standing at the bottom of a ravine. The cost of the search was estimated at up to $10,000. The teen's father Mark Rosenberg says the boy will be punished, adding "he probably won't get to use the car for a while."
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold onto your nuts, we're taking off".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eleanore Re: Misleading subject lines Dear Webby, When I get mail advertising stuff, it often has misleading subject lines. Is that just an honest mistake, or a problem? Eleanore Dear Eleanore That is not a mistake at all, but sucker-bait on purpose. Just trash it. The rest of those mails is just as phony and you will never get your money's worth through them. The same goes for mails that have your address forged in as the sender address. Guaranteed Scam! Trash them. Have FUN! DearWebby
At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Sarah says, "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at firstname.lastname@example.org, and she will post it into the blog for you.Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Credit Reports Online You can get access your credit report from the three major credit reporting companies for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. Equifax, Experian and TransUnion are required by law to give you access to your credit report once a year for free. Be careful that you don't sign up for them watching your credit. It can cost 19.95 a month or more and is automatically deducted. Visit ThriftyFun For More Credit Rating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_453.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: MatchStick" target="_blank" >http://tinyurl.com/MatchstickMercedes&q ... MatchStick MercedesARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!Webby.com
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