Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 18, 2008

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.
--- Shana Alexander

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
--- Sir Francis Bacon


Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't
work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured
and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband."



Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat
beside him.  The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
 
"OmiGod....  I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California,"
the second answered.  "They've got race riots, drugs.  The
highest crime rate....."
"Hold on," said the first.  "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not
bad as
the media says.  Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the
world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God.  \
I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take
your word for it.  .....What do you do for a living?"
 
"...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."



Thanks to Ross for this picture:

Going on a picnic ?

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Emma Goldman, 45, London, Ebgland

Nutty eacher giving bad example

LONDON (UPI) -- A London teacher said she was detained for 
several hours at a city airport after she attempted to return to 
a plane for her daughter's toys.

Emma Goldman, 45, said she "impulsively" tried to return to 
the plane to retrieve her daughter's toys moments after arriving 
at Gatwick Airport on a flight from Venice and  ripped three 
security seals on doors between the terminal concourse and 
the jet, The Daily Mail reported.

Goldman said she was swarmed by armed police.
"I wasn't scared because I thought they'd realize it was just a 
misunderstanding, I tried to wave it off and apologize," she said. 
"But they took me downstairs and there was this van with a 
horrible cage inside. They opened the back doors and my 
heart started racing -- that's when I felt really scared."

Goldman said she was held for several hours before questioning. 
She said police wanted to drop her case, but the Crown Prosecution 
Service insisted on pursing charges of criminal damage and 
entering a restricted zone of an airport without permission.

She admitted to the charges and was given a conditional discharge 
and ordered to pay $40 to replace the plastic covers on the security 
alarms she tripped and $120 in fines. 
--------------------
It is surprising that they did not make a more drastic example
of the nut. Anybody with the brains of a turnip knows that
selaed and alarmed doors only report a breach, and make no
exception if the intruder is a snooty idiot, who acts like she is
above the law and the required security systems.



A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large 
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here 
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife 
instantly appears out of nowhere."


From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jaye
Re:AntiVirus

Dear Webby, 
I have to tell you I downloaded Avast into my sons Computer 
and when I am using it, IT WORKS better than Norton or 
McAfee ever did, It is FREE and your recommendation 
from your Tool box.

I was using the Computer and up popped a warning a 
Trojan was trying to enter. It notified me right in the middle 
of my screen it was automatically sent into the Avast Virus Chest.
It works so well I am going to recommend it to everyone 
of your readers. Thank a million for your Free Tool box.
I have downloaded so many programs from it and they 
ALL are great!!!
Faithful reader and user for years, 
Jaye 

Dear Webby,
For years I had a free Anti- Virus program. I can't get this 
anymore. What is the best Anti-Virus I can purchase? Also 
I'm getting a lot of pop-ups from other web sites, how can 
I stop this? 
Have a Good Day
Shonda

Dear Jaye
Thanks for your recommendation!

Dear Shonda
The link to Avast is in my Toolbox. Just scroll
down to the big red A.

You can stop Pop-Ups in many different ways. 
The Google Tool-bar will stop Pop-Ups no matter what browser 
you use, and you can excempt certain sites, like your bank, so that
their calculator still pops up OK.

Many browsers nowadays also an option to block Pop-Ups.
Have FUN!
DearWebby


The patient awakened after the operation
to find herself in a room with all the
blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked
her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're
fighting a huge fire across the street,
and we didn't want you to wake up and
think the operation had failed."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Saving Money on Laundry Detergent
You can save money by only using what you need.  For example, if
you are washing clothing that is not very soiled, you can usually
get by using half as much laundry detergent as the manufacturer
recommends.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW
arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

“I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly,
“and fought in three of my country's wars.  Fresh out of boot
camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the
blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy
machine gun nest with a single grenade.

“As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General
MacArthur.  We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody
inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a
barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

“Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive
combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and
razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and
mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire
all night.  In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our
guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with
bayonets!”

“Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, 
“all just easy shore duty, huh?”


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Nano Art

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: Quarantined 

Monday, November 17, 2008, 02:39 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 17, 2008

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. 
That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
--- Jean Kerr

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly 
being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. 
--- George F. Will


On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it
up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the
instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"



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Thanks to Barb for this report:
My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my
mother.  A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough
time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a
yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with
her.  A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.

My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like
a big yellow school bus."




Monday already ?

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Sainsbury's in Haverhill, Suffolk, England

Book on sex positions given to primary pupils
Children on a primary school trip to Sainsbury's were given 
a book containing pictures of sex positions as a going home 
gift.

The book, How To Change The World For A Fiver, was 
mistakenly given to pupils, aged eight and nine, during a 
visit to the supermarket in Haverhill, Suffolk.

The 42 children, from Burton End primary, were surprised to 
read advice such as - have a bath with a friend to "Save water. 
Have fun. Just get out before everything becomes wrinkled."

Other inappropriate suggestions in the £5 book include 
encouraging readers to shave in intimate places, streak, 
talk to strangers and hand out your phone number to five 
people on the street.

The blunder came to light only when a father heard his 
daughter giggling with friends as they flicked through the 
pages, reports the Daily Mail.

Engineer Andrew Dodd, 37, whose daughter Laura is eight, 
said: "I was furious. It was extremely inappropriate and 
irresponsible to give to children.

"The teachers were as horrified as we were when they 
eventually saw it. Laura thought it was funny but thankfully 
she didn't really understand it."

A Sainsbury's spokesman admitted: "This was a well-intentioned 
mistake. It is a very nice book about how to make the world a 
better place but it is not targeted at children.

"The cover looks like a kid's book. This was a mix-up and we 
would like to apologise for any distress caused. It certainly 
won't happen again."



An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing
and support staff of one company.

The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they
posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996
Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all
year.  The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as
they won only one game in the entire year."


From the Tech Support Pits:
Kitty, my email reply to you yetserday bounced back at me.
It might be best for you to get Gmail.

From: Rita
Re:Quarantined

Dear Webby, 
I did a scan on my computer today because it was running slow 
and other things showing up.It showed after the scan I have a 
virus called Troj/BHO-HG…I did a quarantine on it but I don't 
think it removed it…I have never heard of this before and was 
wondering if you would tell me how to get rid of it..It is on my 
laptop.

Have a wonderful weekend.
Rita T.

Dear Rita
Good anti-virus programs stop that trojan virus before it 
enters the computer, however, you may have deliberately 
download it, and clicked on some field to show you agreed 
with the terms in their small print. In cases like that, only 
the biggest Anti-Virus companies can afford getting sued 
by the company that distributes the Trojan.

The name of that virus is apparently a nickname given to it
by the maker of your anti-virus program, and not the name
that the big ones gave it. That is why you won't find any
useful information about it on the web.

What do you use for Anti-Virus?

Have FUN!
DearWebby


A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you 
all to know there are two words that are absolutely u
nacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you 
recite or on any of your papers, tests or homework. Using 
the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the 
quarter. The first one is 'gross' and the other one is 'cool.' 
Are there any questions?"

A student says, "So, what are they?"



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

DVD Subscription Services - Use It Or Lose It
Movie subscription services like Netflix can be a great deal, but
only if you use them.  Keep track of how many movies you receive
from them each month and divide that by the monthly service fee. 
Makes sure you are actually getting a good deal.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _4456.html


Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to
determine why married women love Chinese
food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that Won Ton spelled backwards is:  Not Now.


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Life Iz A Beech

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: SP3 Blocker 

Sunday, November 16, 2008, 03:00 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 16, 2008

Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of
parenthood?'  I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'"
--- Dave Barry

One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is 
indiscriminate charity.
--- Andrew Carnegie


Old Dr. Carver still made house calls.

One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle
house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute
after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle,
"Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage,
and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into
the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do
you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked
for and received a pair of pliers a
screwdriver and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.

He asked, "What are you doing to my
wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver.
"I can't get my instrument bag open."



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Eva: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because
it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.

Cindy: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men.

Eva: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.


Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture by her friend Bob

Friday night's shuttle launch

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a robber in Aurora, Indiana

Robber leaves money behind

AURORA, Ind. (UPI) -- Police say they are looking for a 
man who held up a Swifty gas station in Aurora, Ind., 
only to forget to take the money with him.

Police said the man robbed the store early Monday, 
tied up the female clerk and then ran out the door with 
a carton of cigarettes. After he realized he forgot the bag 
of money he tried to go back inside the store but couldn't -- 
because the door was equipped with an electrical lock.



Alternative Medical Terms
-------------------------
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.


From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Kitty
Re:SP3 Blocker

Dear Webby, 
 Again how do I block the sp3 thing? 
 I'm still having trouble with my e-mail. With outlook express. 
 One of these days it will get straighten out I hope. 
 
  Kitty 

Dear Kitty
The SP3 Blocker is in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools

From what I hear, trouble with Outluck Express is normal. 

For help with specific Outluck Express problems, write to the
Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com

Have FUN!
DearWebby


In search of a midnight snack, a yuppie couldn't find
anything but a dog biscuit.  He bit into it tentatively,
liked it, and the next morning asked his wife to put in a
large supply.

The local grocer observed.  "You don't need so many
biscuits for a dog as small as yours."

"They're for my busband."

"These biscuits are strictly for dogs," grumbled the
grocer. "They'll kill your husband!"

Six months later, the wife admitted her husband was dead.

"I told you those biscuits would kill him," the grocer
reminded her.

"It wasn't the biscuits," said the woman.  "He was killed
chasing cars."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Buy Two, Take One Back
When I need to buy something I need for a home improvement
project, I often buy two, even though I should only need one.  If
there is a problem installing a toilet seal or a blade breaks, I
don't have to run to the store in the middle of my project to
replace it.  As long as they are unopened and in their original
packages, the hardware store will take them back.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning
service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be
married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to
be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he
requested.

Immediately, eleven single ladies, nine widows, two widowers, and one
single man stepped to the front.


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Vivid Colors

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter


Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: Setting the Home Page in IE 

Saturday, November 15, 2008, 02:57 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 15, 2008

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year 
and spends very little on office supplies.
--- Woody Allen

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements 
for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
--- Gustave Flaubert

A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He 
explained to the conductor, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want 
you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in 
Buffalo. Don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off 
in Buffalo."

The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He 
was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an 
earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket.

After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you 
stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?"

"That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard 
the guy kicked out in Buffalo!"



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Thanks to Sandie for this story:
An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a 
visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since 
he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated 
by an interpreter, sentence by sentence.

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be 
asked here today."

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. 
"This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he 
dies, only to be with you today."




Not NOW!

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Minnesota deer hunters

Minnesota deer hunters have a hot time
 BRAINERD, Minn. (UPI) -- Things took an unexpected turn for 
 one northern Minnesota deer-hunting party this weekend when 
 their deer stand caught fire, authorities said.

The Brainerd Fire Department said things started out fine for the 
hunters when one of them bagged a deer Sunday afternoon. 
But it turned bad when the hunters descended from their stand 
to gut the animal, the Brainerd Dispatch reported Monday.

The hunters left their guns in the stand but apparently accidentally 
knocked over the stand's portable heater. Not only did the stand 
catch fire and fall to the ground but a box of ammunition started 
exploding, the report said.

Brainerd firefighters had to hoof it into the woods with water-pump 
cans to put out the flames.

No humans were hurt in the incident. 



A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug
manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-
enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab
coats.

With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this
room researchers are actively searching for a cure for
cancer."

She stopped short as the group broke out laughing.

Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she
saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through
the Yellow Pages.


From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Brenda
Re:Home Page

Dear Webby, 
First I would like to thank you for all your internet help.  
I have ask you several times about problems and you 
always have an answer.  Well today it is about my internet
explorer home page.  I have for some time not been able to 
get it back.  When I open the browser I get a page with 
advertisement about the new explorer beta 8 and of course 
how to down load explorer 7.  Is there any way I can just get 
the home page back again.  
I have tried several different things.  Also sp3 has been 
downloaded on my computer, it has not seemed to cause 
any problems; but when i deleted it, I lost alot of stuff.  
So I redownloaded it.  Any advice on that subject?
Brenda

Dear Brenda
You can set any page you want as your HOME page,
even the Humor letter, at http://webby.com/humor
or the Currency converter: http://www.xe.com/ucc/
or cookie recipes: http://www.cooks.com/rec/ch/cookies.html
or whatever you want.

Just click on TOOLS, Internet Options and set your Home Page.
Then you can use Spybot-Search&Destroy to lock that, so that 
Microssoft can't change it on you behind your back.

Re SP3: That is unpredictable. It works OK on some computers, 
but usually causes some problems on almost all computers. 
I block it, and have no problems related to it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady responded
curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Color Coordinated Children
Have each child pick their favorite color and they have their own
bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own
clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their
own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Organizing Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Ch ... 9_677.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


The Israeli Army major was used to word-wars with the hot-shot Israeli
Air Force fliers about crazy Army Tzanhanim (Paratroopers) jumping out
of a perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such
thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer said during an
exercise, "because they pay you Air Force schmucks four times as much
to stay in one, as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," the Air Force sergeant replied.

"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane
voluntarily is too dumb to kvetch* about the salary."


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Vivid Colors

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter


Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: Why is MailWasher slowing down? 

Friday, November 14, 2008, 02:55 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 14, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
--- Bert Leston Taylor,

I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of 
spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, 
I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
--- Beryl Pfizer

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, 
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother 
and I are divorcing.  Forty-five years of misery is enough." 

His son yells, "Dad, what are you talking about?" 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old 
man says.  "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking 
about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and 
he hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 
"They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," 
she shouts, "I'll take care of this." 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, 
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until 
I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be 
there tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a thing.  Do you hear me?" 
and she hangs up. 

The old man hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, 
"Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their 
own fares.  Now what do we tell them for Christmas?" 



Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding 
a list.  "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, 
and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and 
a piece of used carbon paper to earn five dollars." 

"Wow," the woman said. "Who sent you 
on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" 

The little boy said, "My baby sitter's boyfriend." 





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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Luca Rossi, 36, in Salerno, Italy

Man granted divorce for mother-in-law's nagging
A hen-pecked husband has been granted a divorce in Italy 
because his mother-in-law keeps nagging him.

Shopkeeper Luca Rossi, 36, told the court in Salerno that 
his wife's mother didn't leave him alone throughout four 
months of marriage.

"I'd never believed stories and jokes about mothers-in-law 
but my marriage was hell and it was all her fault," he said 
after the hearing.

"It was hell right from the moment we said 'I do' at our 
wedding until the moment we split, just because my 
mother-in-law interfered in every single thing in our lives.
"It was impossible. It led to one argument after another 
and there was no way a marriage could survive after that."

Rossi said he would consider marriage again - but only 
if he did not have to deal with a mother-in-law.

"Next time I'm hoping to find a girl who's an orphan," he added.


A chemistry professor is demonstrating the properties of various acids for
his class. He takes out a silver dollar.

"Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it
dissolve?"

"No, sir," one student calls out.

"No?" asks the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't
dissolve in this particular acid."

"Because if it did, a cheapskate like you wouldn't drop it in!"


From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Denise
Re:MailWasher slowing down

Dear Webby, 
I noticed that my MailWasher is getting slower all the time.
You wrote something about that at one time, but I didn't have
Mailwasher in those days and didn't pay attention.
Can you please tell me again?
Denise 

Dear Denise
There are three possible causes.
1) You may have a lot of good filters that auto-dump spam unseen.
While MailWasher does that out of sight, it still takes time to do it.

2) You may be using the BlackList, and not aging it off. Blacklists
and Bouncing have outlived their usefulness. Nowadays spammers 
never use the same sending address twice, unless they forge your
address as the sender. Therefore, there is no point in setting up to
automatically add bad stuff to the Blacklist. 

You can also "age off" the BlackList in a day or two. If a spam sender's
address is not repeated within that time frame, it gets dumped. 

3) Long bounce list. The ONLY addresses in your bounce list
should be certain in-laws and ex lovers. There is no point
bouncing spam at faked addresses. That just takes time, 
and constipates the Internet, because YOUR bounce might
bounce back at you.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


A man is concentrating diligently on the papers on his desk when a
co-worker comes up.

"Say, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" he asks.

"Sorry," the man says, "I can't."

"Why not?"

"The doctor tells me I can't play."

"Well, we all know that," says the co-worker, "but you'll never 
get any better at it, if you don't practise!"



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Old Window Crafts
Look for old windows with wood frames at yard sales.  They can be
made into rustic looking picture frames.  Find pictures that are
a little smaller than the window and use a matte, which can be
found at any craft store, to give it a finished look. Multi-pane
windows can be used to frame multiple pictures.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Craft Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


The teacher asked  to use the words "defeat," 
"defense," and "detail" in a sentence. 

 said, "The rabbit cut across the field 
and defeat went over defense before detail." 


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Creative Hijinx

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter


Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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