Dear Webby: Removing miniature light bulbs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 15, 2008

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. --- Dan Rather All marriages are mixed marriages. --- Chantal Saperstein
Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this perennial classic: As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on! My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.
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Thanks to Donna for this story: Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demon- strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
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Tomorrow he's going to try it with the lens cap off.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Christopher Moss in Gaston County, N.C. YouTube police impersonator arrested GASTONIA, N.C. (UPI) -- Police in Gaston County, N.C., say they arrested a man accused of putting footage of himself impersonating a police officer on YouTube. Sgt. Chris Reynolds said investigators identified David Christopher Moss from his YouTube video and arrested him on a charge of impersonating a police officer, The Charlotte (N.C.) Observer reported Wednesday. "I don't know if these are people who were having problems on the street," Reynolds said. "He approached them, somebody was videoing for him, and he asked them to leave the street area. He represented himself twice" as a police officer. Moss, whose YouTube channel also includes videos titled "Hot Girls Kissing," "Irish Guy Gets Drunk" and "Prostitute Wants a Ride," was released from Gaston jail on $2,500 unsecured bond.
Linda and Kim were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas tree. They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of everything. They were all set, but they couldn't find the right tree. They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. Had to get that Christmas tree. Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to, we're going to cut it down, whether it's got lights on it or not!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diana Re: Removing miniature bulbs Dear Webby, Occasionally I read questions from your readers that pertain to subjects other than computers - so thought I'd try one. Hope you can guide me to some website where I might find an answer to my problem. I have a bulb broken off in a battery operated flameless candle stick. The bulb is broken all the way so that the only portion left is inside the screw-in section so that I have no way of twisting it out to replace the bulb. I looked at the only site I know of which is ehow.com ( how to do most everything) and no information was available at that site. As so many of your other readers say when they write to you, your newsletter is the best thing in my inbox each day. Thanks for your work and I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Diana Albany, GA Dear Diana Take some heavy, glossy junkmail and roll it up tightly, so that it will just fit into the hollow part of the broken light bulb. Stick it in in such a way, that the roll-up spirals COUNTER-clockwise from the center. Roll it up tightly enough that you can stick it in straight, without twisting. Then turn the roll-up counter-clockwise. The sharp edges of the glossy junkmail try to spread out. That causes them to dig in and grab the remains of the bulb and twist it out. That trick also works for sewing machine light bulbs, oven light bulbs and even regular light bulbs. It takes much longer to read this, than to actually do it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty! years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Dress Shoes The easiest solution to a fixing a squeaky shoe is to sprinkle some baby powder in the heel, under the insole if possible. If that doesn't work, it could be the nails that hold the shoe together are producing the squeak. You can fix that by carefully hammering the shoe on the sole. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_1220.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country. She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his animals. "Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with their horns. Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix 'em up by putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow in and that stops 'em cold." Judi nodded. The farmer continued. "Then some breeds of cattle don't even grow horns. But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns, ma'am, is because it's a horse."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wild Life Gallery
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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