Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 15, 2008

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
--- Dan Rather

All marriages are mixed marriages.
--- Chantal Saperstein


Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this perennial classic:

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
 fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
 them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
 because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
 overflowed,  poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
 and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
 at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

 If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
 confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does
 this do?"
 "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
 inflatable doll section.
 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.

 Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many
 different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
 could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
 "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
 Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
 to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
 morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
 pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
 and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
 and giggled for a couple of hours.
 
 The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
 house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
 dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
 some more.

 We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
 of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
 Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
 the hell is that?" she asked.  My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

 "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
 I kept my mouth shut.

 "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

 "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into
 dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
 teeth?"

 Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
 one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
 "Hang on Granny, hang on!

 My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
 me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
 I told him she was Jay's friend.
 A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
 Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
 realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from
the  mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the 
sofa.

 The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
 My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
 Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
 car.
 
 It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
 decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
 suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
 thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 I can't wait until next Christmas.



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Thanks to Donna for this story:
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new 
parents how to care for their infants.  As I was demon-
strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian  couple 
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby 
like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy." 

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said
anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"


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Tomorrow he's going to try it with the lens cap off.

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to David Christopher Moss in Gaston County, N.C.

YouTube police impersonator arrested
GASTONIA, N.C. (UPI) -- Police in Gaston County, N.C., say 
they arrested a man accused of putting footage of himself 
impersonating a police officer on YouTube.

Sgt. Chris Reynolds said investigators identified David 
Christopher Moss from his YouTube video and arrested him 
on a charge of impersonating a police officer, The Charlotte 
(N.C.) Observer reported Wednesday.

"I don't know if these are people who were having problems 
on the street," Reynolds said. "He approached them, 
somebody was videoing for him, and he asked them to leave 
the street area. He represented himself twice" as a police officer.

Moss, whose YouTube channel also includes videos titled 
"Hot Girls Kissing," "Irish Guy Gets Drunk" and "Prostitute 
Wants a Ride," was released from Gaston jail on $2,500 
unsecured bond. 



Linda and Kim were up in the far north woods, out looking 
for a Christmas tree.  They were all bundled up from head 
to toe, carrying their hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on 
and drag it back.

They had thought of everything.  They were all set, but they couldn't
find the right tree.  They searched for
hours, slogging through knee-deep snow.  The wind was blowing 
and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. 
Had to get that Christmas tree.

Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the
other and said,  "That's it!  I've had enough!  The next tree we come
to, we're going to cut it down, whether it's got lights on it or not!"
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Diana
Re: Removing miniature bulbs

Dear Webby,
Occasionally I read questions from your readers that pertain 
to subjects other than computers - so thought I'd try one.  
Hope you can guide me to some website where I might find an 
answer to my problem.  I have a bulb broken off in a battery 
operated flameless candle stick.  The bulb is broken all the 
way so that the only portion left is inside the screw-in section 
so that I have no way of twisting it out to replace the bulb.  
I looked at the only site I know of which is ehow.com 
( how to do most everything) and no information was available 
at that site.  

As so many of your other readers say when they write to you, 
your newsletter is the best thing in my inbox each day.  
Thanks for your work and I wish you a 
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Diana
Albany, GA

Dear Diana
Take some heavy, glossy junkmail and roll it up tightly, 
so that it will just fit into the hollow part of the broken light bulb.

Stick it in in such a way, that the roll-up spirals 
COUNTER-clockwise from the center. Roll it up tightly
enough that you can stick it in straight, without twisting.

Then turn the roll-up counter-clockwise. The sharp edges 
of the glossy junkmail try to spread out. That causes them 
to dig in and grab the remains of the bulb and twist it out.

That trick also works for sewing machine light bulbs, 
oven light bulbs and even regular light bulbs.
It takes much longer to read this, than to actually do it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to
their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very
well.  I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty! years to the church,
but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her
Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I
live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks
anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Squeaky Dress Shoes
The easiest solution to a fixing a squeaky shoe is to sprinkle
some baby powder in the heel, under the insole if possible.  If
that doesn't work, it could be the nails that hold the shoe
together are producing the squeak.  You can fix that by carefully
hammering the shoe on the sole.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_1220.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country.
She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his 
animals.

"Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly
tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage
with their horns.  Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed
down with a hacksaw.  Other times we can fix 'em up by
putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow
in and that stops 'em cold."

Judi nodded.

The farmer continued.  "Then some breeds of cattle don't even
grow horns.  But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns,
ma'am, is because it's a horse."


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Wild Life Gallery


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby:Paragraph versus Line Spacing 

Sunday, December 14, 2008, 04:31 AM

   

Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 14, 2008

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
--- Fran Lebowitz

Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on 
something or other, reach for your wallet, 
because you're being had.
--- Michael Crichton,

Gullible Warming is a good example of that.


A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for 
family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote 
out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then 
sent them off.

To make sure that each and every one of them remembered
to visit her, she "forgot" to sign the checks.



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Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hi There!" to someone in his dream.

As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst
was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were
getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know
tonight, just wave."


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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Thomas Groer in Salzburg, Austria

Dad shot son instead of burglar

An Austrian man shot his own son as they both crept around 
their house thinking a burglar had broken in.

Dad Thomas Groer woke up in the middle of the night, believing 
he'd heard an intruder in the family home in Salzburg, Austria, 
and grabbed his handgun to search for the thief.

Meanwhile, his 19-year-old son Michael - woken by his father's 
prowling - emerged from his bedroom to confront a raider and 
was shot in the arm by his panicked dad.

Police say the boy received a flesh wound and is stable after 
hospital treatment.



A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a
restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the
wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a
fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the
wine.

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.

* The Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.

* The Romanian drank two thirds of the wine and then
demanded to have new wine.

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for
cod.

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine,
which he then donated to the Englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65
million dollar compensation for mental suffering.

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly, wrung it out, and
drank the wine.
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Liz
Re: Difference between line break and paragraph in HTML

Dear Webby
What's the difference between line breaks and paragraphs?
I keep getting yelled at for using the wrong one, but nobody
seems to be able to properly explain the difference.
Hope you can!
Liz

Dear Liz
You can define a paragraph break to be, for example, 
one and a half times the space of a line break, or two times
the space, or whatever you want. That will then apply to
the entire site, that uses that style sheet.

If somebody decided that the site should have paragraph
breaks that are the equivalent of 1 3/4 line breaks, then
your text with double line breaks for paragraph spacing
will look odd.

There is one seeming oddity to watch out for: 
Paragraph ends ususally turn off any font settings that you 
made inside that paragraph, even if you don't have a 
font end tag. That can cause a lot of frustration, if you
don't know the cause of that mysterious font end.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Anni showed up at the photo shop with  an old picture of a former beau
wearing a hat,  She wanted to know if the photographer could retouch the
photo and remove the hat from the picture. 
-
He convinced Anni, that it could easily be accomplished, and asked her
what side of his head did the man in the picture part his hair on. 
-
Thinking hard for a moment, Anni said,  "I forget, but you can see
that for yourself when you take off his hat." 



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Paying for Home Improvement Projects
Whenever you hire someone to do a home improvement project or
yard work, never pay the full amount upfront.  Get an estimate in
writing and pay no more than half up front and then half upon
completion. It will insure that the worker is motivated to do the
job the way you want it done.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html
Bigger projects need to be broken into progress stages,
each with a scheduled progress inspection, so that the contractor
can pay for supplies and wages for work completed. Don't take 
the contractors word over the phone about a stage completion,
but actually inspect the work and take pictures, before releasing
a progress payment. 
Have FUN!
DearWebby
  
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women
talking in the the aisle I was going down. 

"Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me 
very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes 
even if it is a litle more expensive." 

"Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," 
her friend replied. 

As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading 
their shopping carts with high-priced cat food.


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Weird Food Facts


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: Leading versus Kerning in text 

Saturday, December 13, 2008, 05:32 AM

   

Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 13, 2008

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called 
electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 
have been drinking.
--- Dave Barry,

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
--- Robert Louis Stevenson


Thanks to Sandie for this story:
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order
 music company where my wife works as a customer service 
 representative.

Some college students, who were working part-time inputting 
customer information, wrote the following notes regarding 
some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles:
'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"



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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but
after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK,  but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all
morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her
new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
 "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."


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Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jocelyn Addison, 19; Nia McBrayer, 21; and 
Jenniffer Watson, 18 in in Bedford Heights, Ohio

Robbers printed out armed robbery blueprint from Internet

DECEMBER 12--After a trio of Ohio women was busted earlier 
this week following a botched robbery attempt, cops searched 
the group's getaway car and discovered printed instructions 
downloaded from the Internet that detailed 
"How To Commit Armed Robbery In Six Easy Steps." 

The seized instructions, a copy of which you'll find at
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... uide1.html
were printed Monday morning at 10:16, about 11 hours before 
the women sought to hold up the Dollar Tree store in Bedford Heights. 
When a manager claimed that she could not open the store safe, 
the alleged robbers--Jocelyn Addison, 19; Nia McBrayer, 21; and 
Jenniffer Watson, 18--departed empty-handed. Though the 
downloaded list was clearly written tongue-in-cheek, the suspects, 
who had masks, a plan, and a bb gun, apparently followed some 
of its suggestions. According to a December 8 Bedford Police 
Department report, Addison, McBrayer, and Watson were 
apprehended in a vehicle about a mile from the convenience 
store. Each woman was charged with robbery.



80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, 
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with 
me tonight!!" 

An elderly gentleman in  the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" 

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Barb
Re: Leading and kerning text

Dear Webby
I know if anybody can explain this in terms I can understand,
it's you. Can you please tell me the difference between leading
and kerning and what it is all about?
Thanks
Barb

Dear Barb
Those terms come the days when books and newspapers were
printed with moveable type. Each character was a little steel block,
and the type setter stuffed them into "U" channels. For easier 
readability, they stuffed lead strips between the channels.
Leading refers to the space between lines. It does not zoom the
fonts.

Kerning comes from the same time. To deal with words like
MINILAVAT and get a reasonably even appearance without it looking
like a character had fallen out of a line channel, they put notches
at the top or bottom sides of some characters, and corners 
sticking out on the top or bottom sides of others.For example, the
"I" had corners sticking out both top and bottom, on both sides,
to give it more elbow room. The "L" had two corners on the left,
a notch on the top right and a corner at the bottom right.

Kerning eliminated manual horizontal leading and speeded up
typesetting tremendously. 

Nowadays, the corners and notches are built into the fonts and
the better word processors take care of that. Microsoft Office
doesn't by default, Open Office uses kerning by default since
version 2.2.

In graphics programs you can increase and decrease kerning.
Usually that is only used in logos and banners, when you want
to stretch or shorten a line to match the other lines.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, 
Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, 
and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I 
have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it 
just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be 
so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could 
have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the
recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at 
each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents
worth of ground beef . . . '"



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Google Products Before You Buy
Before you buy a product, go to your favorite search engine and
type the product, model and "reviews" into the search engine to
see what others thought of the products.  Look for review sites
that feature reviews and feedback from real people.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Consumer Advice

Once you have decided on an item, check
pricegrabber.com for the dealer with the best price and 
shortest distance. In case of warranty problems, a store
in walking distance is often easier to deal with than one
in a different country.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
 
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago.
I called her to see how she was doing.

My nephew Bryan answered the phone.  "Hello?" he whispered.

"Hey, B, how's your mama?"

"She's sleeping," he whispered again.

"She go back to the doctor for a checkup?"

"Yeah.  She got some medicine," he said softly.  "She's doing
ok."

"All right.  Don't wake her up.  Just tell her I called.  What are
you doing, by the way?"

Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums."


Thanks to Ross for today's Bonus Link:
Watch the graphics


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: Filters versus Blacklists 

Friday, December 12, 2008, 05:40 AM

   

Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 12, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops!

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 
without your help.
--- Judith Martin

The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking.
--- Louis Vermeil


Thanks to Wendy for this report:
The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter 
election campaigns, American politicians can return to 
reality. For Instance Sarah Palin has invited to her great 
state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama 
and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment 
and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and 
Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the 
evening.
What a gal! 
That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.



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It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's 
do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and 
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, 
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!


New!  YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. 
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many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using
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Thanks to Sr Ann for the above story and this picture:


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to burocrats and court in Timisoara, Romania

Man wins court battle to prove he's alive

A Romanian man has won a year-long fight to persuade the 
courts that he isn't dead.

Gheroghe Stirbu, from Timisoara, tried to renew his identity 
card but was told by officials that he had been registered 
as dead.

Bungling civil servants had mixed him up with another man 
but although Stirbu pointed out what they had done they 
refused to acknowledge their mistake until Stirbu won a 
12 month legal claim to be declared alive.

Judges renewed his status as alive - and then charged 
him £500 in court costs.

Mr Stirbu said: "When the judge ruled in my favour I was 
absolutely delighted - and then seconds later was absolutely 
shocked when I found out I would have to pay so much in 
legal bills.

"I will of course appeal the imposition of the costs but I 
am already beginning to wonder whether or not I would 
have been better off staying dead."



 "According to 'Mondern Bride' magazine, the average bride 
  spends 150 hours planning her wedding.  The average groom spends 
  150 hours going, 'Yeah, sounds good.'"
 -Jay Leno
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Irene
Re: Filters versus Blacklists

Dear Webby
My grand daughter told me that you had written that blacklists
are obsolete. If they are obsolete, why does every spam control
program have one built in?
Irene

Dear Irene
Blacklisting spam is obsolete, because spammers either fake
the sender address, or use yours forged in as the sender. 
The only purpose left for blacklists is KNOWN undesirables.
If you do not want to receive mail from certain relatives or
acquaintances, then you can put them into the blacklist.

Filters are much more efficient in eliminating spam.
Have FUN!
DearWebby


"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
 Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man  replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Sifting Dry Ingredients
If you don't have a sifter but a recipe calls for sifting
ingredients, put the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir
well with a whisk.

Visit ThriftyFun for more Cooking Tips by clicking here
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said,"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
 time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Idle Fingers


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby: Block mail with my own address forged in as sender 

Thursday, December 11, 2008, 03:03 AM

   

Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 11, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops!

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate 
ourselves; otherwise we harden.
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was 
extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.  When she 
ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, 
"Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the 
mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something 
to do with heat conduction. 

I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory.  "Why wooden 
spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your 
metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."



Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

As a roving columnist for a regional agricultural publication, I 
gather material by traveling with a saddle horse and a pack 
mule. Because my job is a bit unusual, my writings have 
attracted a following. Admittedly, my ego soars when folks 
recognize me and stop to chat. I had things put in their proper 
perspective, however, one cold day in eastern Montana.

My animals and I were loafing along. As a stock truck passed 
by us, the driver waved, and I waved back. I was sure that he 
was one of my fans. 

Minutes later, the truck driver came back and pulled off to the 
side of the road. "You're that writer fellow, aren't you?" he asked.

"That's right," I replied, beaming.

"I thought so," he said. "I recognized your mule."


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Thanks to Sandie for this picture:

Dolphins against the sun

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Janos Jakab, Romania

Smuggler makes ass of himself
 Ananova: 

A would-be smuggler was arrested after trying to outrun 
border police with £300,000 of cigarettes in a horse and cart.

Police challenged Janos Jakab as he crossed Romania's 
northern border with the Ukraine carrying nearly 100,000 
packets of cigarettes and tobacco.

After a short chase police outran the cart and arrested Jakab.
A spokesman for the local border police said: "In general 
smugglers are becoming more and more sophisticated in 
their methods of getting contraband across borders. But 
this case proved the exception to the rule.




A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when 
the subject of marriage counseling came up. 

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," 
the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I 
majored in theater arts. 

He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening." 
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alex
Re: Spam with my own address forged in as sender

Dear Webby
I get all kinds of mail that has my address
forged into the sender address. Since I DO send mail
to myself as a fast way to record and file notes, I can't
block my own address and spam gets through the same
way. How do I filter forged addresses?
Alex

Dear Alex
You will notice that spammers usually fake some name other
than yours, but forge your address as the sender address. 
Put your name into the sender name field. All email programs 
have a way of doing that, even OE. 

With MailWasher it is then
easy to make a filter that 
IF
the Sender address contains big-al@domain.com
AND
the sender address does NOT contain "Alex B"
then dump the mail automatically, don't even list it.

If your address has been assigned and contains your entire
first and lat name, then make the sender name slightly
different, for example by adding a middle initial. If the 
incoming mail has your email address as the sender, 
but does not have that middle initial, 
then it gets quietly murdered in the backround and dumped, 
unseen.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is
pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.'

So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a
person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: 'Excuse me sir,
is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?''

The gentleman said, 'Havaii.'

So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one
of the two said to him, 'Thank you.'

The gentleman replied by saying, 'Your velcome.'



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Kitchen Time Saver - Cook Two Casseroles
When making a casserole, double the ingredients and make two. 
Cook one and store the other in the freezer.  Cover the casserole
in plastic wrap and then aluminum foil before freezing.  Use a
marker to write the date on the foil. Casseroles can be frozen
for 3 months.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Helpful Food Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_948.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
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or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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My friend had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. 
Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my 
wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith 
and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, 
one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her 
monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined 
the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can 
only be done so many times!"


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Shoe-lacing


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby, is it XP or Vista? 

Wednesday, December 10, 2008, 04:24 AM

   

Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 10, 2008

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate 
ourselves; otherwise we harden.
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun
walked into his room.  She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.
They start talking and she asks about his life.  He talks about his
wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic
family.  God is very proud of you."
                                                             ,
"I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!" 



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If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

When we go out of town overnight, we have a pet-sitter who 
watches all of the various critters Elly has accumulated.
One night the cat, Beans, escaped outside and climbed about
30 feet into a tree.

Our sitter couldn't lure the idiot cat down, so she called the 
fire department.

"Ma'am," the dispatched told her, "we don't do that any more.
The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" the sitter asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?"


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Thanks to Rubye for this picture:

We are ready!

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Communications Workers of America in Saginaw, Michigan

Communications Workers of America failure to communicate
SAGINAW, Mich. (UPI) -- A Saginaw, Mich., neighborhood watch 
group said it had to cancel a meeting after arriving members tripped 
a burglar alarm.

Bonnie Leiner, president of the Covenant Neighborhood Association, 
said the alarm started blaring after she opened the doors of 
Communications Workers of America Hall for Wednesday evening's 
meeting, the Saginaw News reported.

Leiner said members tried for almost an hour to contact someone 
who could switch the alarm off, but they were eventually forced to 
cancel the gathering 10 minutes after it was supposed to have 
started.

"It was just ridiculous. Nobody could hear anything," Leiner said 
of the noise from the alarm. "Whoever is there earlier does not 
usually set the alarm when they leave, but they must have this time." 



Thanks to Mike for this story:
I had to take Ann to the hospital some time ago for a series
of tests.  She was unexpectedly required to stay overnight.  So
she gave me a list of things to bring from home.  One thing on
her list was "comfortable underwear."

I asked her, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

She said, "Hold 'em up and imagine them on me.  If you smile,
put them back."
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carol
Re: XP or Vista?

Dear Webby,
First off have been a faithful fan for several years,  The news 
letter and humor make my day and give a lot of information. 
I just bought a HP WX4550 workstation from my brother, 
who is an employee at HP, so he was trying to help me out. 
I do a lot of CAD drawing and he thought this would be good 
for me.  I was VERY adamant about NOT wanting Vista and 
wanted XP Pro.  The system has arrive and boots up as 
Windows XP but the outside labels' are marked as Vista Business 
(Which I  peeled the front label off as I don't want anything to 
do with Vista).  Then I see the registration sticker even say's 
Vista Business.  I remember a while back you had told 
someone to buy Vista business so they get a down grade to XP.  
The restore CD and operating system DVD's are labeled 
Vista Business SP1. Is this in fact how they are labeling it and 
do I really have XP Pro or do I have a bunch of the Vista crap.  
It Truly brothers me to have anything with Vista even on it.  
I feel like I've been betrayed with all your warnings of Vista, 
I'm just sick as I can't send it back.  What do I have to be 
worried about with this.  Thank you so much again for your help. 
Regards and Happy Holidays,
Carol 

Dear Carol

Hit the Windows key and PAUSE
That will tell you what OS you are running.

If that shows as XP, then you got XP.

You can still buy XP from a few people who mortgaged everything, 
including their teeth, to buy truckloads of XP, when it was still 
available. Other than those few sources, the only way to get XP 
is to buy Vista Business and specify that XP be pre-installed. Then 
--You get XP on the machine 
--You get Vista on an AOL disk style beer coaster 
--Microsoft gets to brag about "ANOTHER Vista sold!" 

Theoretically, there should be an XP set-up, restore and recovery 
CD somewhere in the box.
If there isn't, you will have to argue with HP. It will cost you time, 
but eventually they will send you the CD.
Or your brother will have to do the required arguing, yelling, 
screaming and cussing.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up 
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside 
and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, 
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on 

the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a 
Mommy.
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently 
pondering this new information.
I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Memory Aid: Using Rubberbands To Help Remember
My wife used rubberbands to jog her memory. Some days she will
come home from work with 4 rubberbands on her wrist. Each
rubberband represents something she wanted to do when she got
home.  An easy memory aid.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Memory Tricks
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Me ... 9_691.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


 A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?" 
 One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !" 


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Petroglyphs


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby, how do I get rid of Pagoo? 

Tuesday, December 9, 2008, 03:36 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 9, 2008

I take my children everywhere, 
but they always find their way back home.
--- Robert Orben

Platitude: an idea 
(a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and 
(b) that is not true.
--- H. L. Mencken


Thanks to Dave for this:
thankyou for your response.                           
here's a true story if you want to use it.
 
My wife and i were walking around walmart one day and decided to pick
up a bottle of wine.  as we perused the selection, being very knowledgeable
about wine, i asked her, "what color you want?"  She elbowed me in the
ribs and said "shsh, you sound like a redneck."  I responded with, "we are 
looking at wine in Walmart, what do you think we are?" 



Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

The brillant barrister F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against
claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: 
"Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" 
Smith asked the plaintiff. 
  
The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face
contorted with apparent pain. 
  
"Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us 
how high you could lift it before the accident?" 
 
The man's arm shot above his head. 


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many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using
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Thanks to Patti for this picture:

We are ready!

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Trenity Sue Baker, 18 in Tulsa, Oklahoma

Man chased down his stolen pickup

TULSA, Okla. (UPI) -- Police in Tulsa, Okla., say a man who 
saw his pickup truck being stolen ran after it, jumped aboard, 
kicked out the rear window and chased off the thief.

Investigators said Alonzo Johnson had left his truck running 
outside of a QuikTrip convenience store Monday night when 
he saw a woman get into the pickup and start driving away, 
the Tulsa World reported Wednesday.

Johnson ran out of the store, jumped into the bed of the 
moving truck and kicked out the rear window of the cab, 
police said.

The police report said the woman exited the truck while 
Johnson was climbing into the cab and sped off in a car 
with her boyfriend. Johnson chased the couple in his 
truck until police caught up with them and arrested 
Trenity Sue Baker, 18.

Baker, who also allegedly hit a car in the QuikTrip parking 
lot with Johnson's truck, was taken to the Tulsa jail on 
charges of auto theft and leaving the scene of an accident 
with property damage. 



When my brother Donnie got home from a five-month deployment
of his submarine, he told us one of the ways the sailors kept up
their morale was by making wooden cars out of kits and then
running derby races.

"What do you do for a ramp?" I asked.

"Don't need one.  We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt
the sub."
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Donna
Re: Problem canceling Pagoo

Dear Webby,
I look forward to your newsletter every day, especially Tech 
Support Pits and the daily photo. I recently switched from 
dial-up to dsl (yay!!) and don't need my Pagoo service 
anymore. The problem is, I've sent them 3 separate emails 
to cancel the service and they are not responding. I can't 
find a phone number anywhere on their website. I don't 
know what to do, so of course, I'm turning to you.

Thanks! Donna J.

Dear Donna
For Pagoo, try 
1 888 849 4222

If that does not work, contact your credit card company 
and tell them that you had written Pagoo 3 times to cancel, 
but that the dumb crooks are still charging you, and that 
you demand that 
1) the charges be reversed.
2) further fraudulent charges be blocked.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


When Annie was about 14 years-old I caught her swiping her
younger sister, Ellie's grapes.  "Are you eating your younger
sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No, dad.  I'm helping her share."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Turkey Leftovers
November and December is the best time to buy turkeys for a low
price.  Here are some ways to make use of your leftovers:
sandwiches, pot pies, soup, casseroles,  tacos or enchiladas. 
Most recipes that use pieces of cooked chicken, you can use
turkey pieces instead.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Grocery Shopping Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery 
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She 
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" 
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." 


Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link:
Mt Rainier Clouds


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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---

Dear Webby, please recommend a good camera 

Monday, December 8, 2008, 02:27 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 8, 2008

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to 
all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be 
artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.
--- Shelley Winters

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their 
total dependence on the appreciation of others.
--- Cyril Connolly,


Two Rabbis and a priest go fishing. When the three are out 
on the water, one Rabbi says, "Oops, I left the cooler in the 
trunk, I'd better go get it or we won't be able to eat or drink." 

The rabbi proceeds to jump out of the boat and hop across 
the water. A few minutes later, he comes hopping back 
across the lake with the cooler. 

The priest sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. He 
thinks to himself "Theres only one person I know who can 
do that and I doubt he's a Rabbi." 

A couple of minutes later, the other Rabbi says, "Oh no, I 
left my lucky fishing hat in the car. Nobody ever catches 
a fish unless I have that hat on." 
He then proceeds to get out of the boat and hop across 
the water to the shore. A minute later he comes hopping 
across the lake back into the boat. 

Now the priest is in absolute disbelief. He thinks, "Hmm, 
there must be something in the water. I'm going to try this." 

The priest says, "Uh-oh, I left my keys in the car. Wouldn't 
want to lose those." He then steps out of the boat and falls 
in the water. He gets out again and once again goes *splash*. 

The two rabbis look at each other and one of them says, 
"Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?" 



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To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs
up an incredible long distance bill.)

3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the
woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

7. To make the copy room more available for actual work,
the company has installed cameras to discourage the practise 
of trapping Santa in there, and wants to dispel the myth that
Santa can be bribed.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.


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Thanks to Joan for this picture:

Dear  Webby,
I  lucked  into this shot  last  Monday Night.    
Very  rare  that  the  two planets  are  in  such  close  proximity  
to the moon. I believe  next  sighting  of  this  will be  in
1043.......not  in my  lifetime!   lol 
Joan

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Lorraine Henderson, 50, of Boston, MA

Border official charged with harboring illegal immigrant
updated 6:02 p.m. EST, Fri December 5, 2008
As the Boston area port director, Henderson was in charge of the 
inspection and admission of foreign nationals entering at 
international airports and ports in Massachusetts, Connecticut 
and Rhode Island, including Logan International Airport and the 
Black Falcon cruise terminal. She was in charge of 220 people.

The officer later hired the same Brazilian worker but then 
terminated her in December 2005 after grilling her about her 
residency and learning that she paid a “coyote” thousands 
of dollars to smuggle her from Mexico.

The officer twice discussed the worker’s illegal status with 
Henderson, and when Henderson didn’t fire the housekeeper, 
reported her to Customs officials. Federal agents launched 
a probe in March and later learned that Henderson paid two 
other illegals to clean her home while her longtime worker 
had her anchor baby in 2007.

She was forced to surrender her gun, badge and passport and 
is due back in court Dec. 22. Henderson was placed on 
PAID administrative leave from her $132,446-a-year job.



Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bev
Re: Need a camera recommendation

Dear Webby,
 Can you reccommend a Canon camera for around $200.00 that 
 has a rechargable battery. I don't take alot of pictures, 
 but would like one that is reliable. There are so many 
 models that I'm at a lost. 
Thank you, Bev

Dear Bev
You might not have to go that high in price.
Check these in PriceGrabber for stores in your area.

Canon PowerShot A590 IS Black
Canon Powershot SD880 IS
Canon PowerShot SD880 IS ELPH Silver 

Sure, they are not quite as good as a $5000 Canon Digital Rebel,
but 5 years ago professionals would have killed for any of 
those three cameras, especially the Elph. It has an awesome 
wide angle, much wider than most professional grade cameras. 
What that means is that you can take a wider short range 
indoor shot than Ms Snooty can with her $5000 camera. 
She gets just the Christmas tree, you get the people around 
it too, AND the dog.

If you shoot mostly indoors or group pictures where you can't 
back up very far, get the SD880 IS ELPH.

The newer SD1000 an SD1100 don't have the wide angle. 
Go for the older and cheaper model!

Check http://pricegrabber.com for a store in your area, so
that you don't waste too much time and money in shipping
Have FUN!
DearWebby


In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling 
trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and 
says: "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets 
or guns?" 

"It evens itself out.  Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one 
of his neighbors buys a gun."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Storing Yeast
You can extend the life of yeast by storing it in the freezer. 
Active dry yeast can be stored in the freezer for up to a year. 
Freeze it in sealed plastic or glass container and be sure to
mark it with the date of purchase.

Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


 What are the three best known American parties?
 Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware 


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
My Heroes Have Always been Cowboys


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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Dear Webby: Keep old monitor? 

Sunday, December 7, 2008, 03:51 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 7, 2008

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics 
ruled by Frankenstein logic.
--- David Russell

The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor.
--- William Feather


To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the 
church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her 
baptismal certificate. 

We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy 
well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I 
told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the 
name of the baby's father."



Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

Last Xmas, Anni was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale's for a
rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by
one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles
on it

Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, Anni went to
the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the
electric machines operation. 

The salesman  carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it
in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be
ready." 

A few weeks later Anni was back in the store and the salesman inquired
as to how she liked the coffee maker. 

"Wonderful!"  Anni replied, "However, there's one thing that really
"bugs me" and I don't quite understand. Why do I have to go to
bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"


New!  YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. 
Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and 
many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using
them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it


Thanks to my dad for this picture from his breakfast nook:

12/06/2008

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Michael E. Schwab, 52, of Blooming Grove, Texas

Religious Road Rage
SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- Police in San Antonio said they arrested a 
man who claimed it was "Jesus's will" that he ram a woman's car 
because she was not "driving like a Christian."

The Bexar County Sheriff's Office said in a news release that 
Michael Schwab, 52, told investigators he crashed his pickup 
truck into a woman's car at about 7:25 a.m. Friday on southbound 
U.S. 281 because "the other vehicle was not driving like a Christian 
and it was Jesus' will for him to punish the car," the San Antonio 
Express-News reported.

"He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed 
to be taken off the road," Sheriff's Lt. Kyle Coleman said.

Sheriff's officials said Schwab told responders he was traveling 
faster than 100 mph when he hit the woman's car. Both vehicles 
sustained heavy damage as a result of the crash, but both drivers 
had only minor injuries.

"God must have been with them, 'cause any other time, the 
severity of this crash, it would have been a fatal," Coleman said.

Schwab was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly 
weapon, motor vehicle. He was jailed in lieu of $50,000 bond. 



"David, what is a cannibal?"

"I don't know, ma'am."

"Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?"

"An orphan, ma'am."
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Hubcap
Re: Keep old monitor?

Dear Webby,
Regarding today's question about wide screens.
I am in the market for a new computer but wasn't quite sure 
about the wide monitors. Should I keep my old MV 720 
COMPAQ Monitor, and would it work ok with new computer?
Hubcap

Dear Hubcap
Most definitely keep the monitor!
It will work just fine with the new computer.
I am writing this with an ancient HP p1130, set to 1600 x 1200.
The monitor is about 4-5 years old and the plastic frame is cracked,
but the picture is clear as a slide. And no fuzzy gloss slobbered 
over the picture, like they do nowadays with LCD monitors, 
to make you think it had high resolution.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball
into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the
chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week 
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People
actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes?
What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Pasta Ornaments
That's right, you can make ornaments out of pasta!  You can make
an angel using one large wood bead, wheel pasta for the collar,
bow-tie past for the wings, elbow macaroni or the arms, rigatoni
for the body and acini di pepe for the hair.  Glue them together
and decorate with paint.

Visit ThriftyFun For Instructions With Photos
http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf19236029.tip.html

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire 
alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he 
could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear 
across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. 
His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it
was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once
white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat 
woman who was speaking in quick, agitated
tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily.  
"My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the 
arguing with her about how this tire ought to be 
changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work 
and get the job done."


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Offbeat Uses 4 Book


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

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Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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Dear Webby: Video card for wide monitor 

Saturday, December 6, 2008, 03:14 AM

   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 6, 2008

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new 
functions, including the consumption of homework formerly 
eaten by the dog.
--- Doug Larson

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
--- Dean Martin


A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about 
their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this 
cup of coffee," said one. 

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another. 

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," 
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. 

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on. 

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old 
man as he shook his head. 

Then there was a short moment of silence... 

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank 
goodness we can still drive!"



Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.

While I was working in the men's section of a department 
store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress 
shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at 
first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, 
forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per-
fectly around his neck."


New!  YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. 
Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and 
many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using
them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it


Dear Webby,
I thought you might want to use this for your humor addition.  
We were in Panama City Beach this week and during the 
picture taking frenzy I didn't see the sign behind the Pelican 
until I downloaded it to my computer.  Feel free to use the 
picture, if it suits your fancy.
Sharon


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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Joshua James Fagan, 27, Cape Coral,  Florida

Sent in by Sandie
Fla. man accused of making boy drive on beer run
CAPE CORAL, Fla. — Authorities in southwest Florida say an 
intoxicated man had his 9-year-old son take him on a beer run. 
Cape Coral police arrested the 27-year-old man last week, 
after seeing a pickup truck drive onto a median.

When officers stopped the truck, the man told them he was 
teaching his son to drive. Officers say the father's speech 
was slurred, his breath smelled of alcohol and he was unable 
to stand without swaying. Police said an open case of 
Budweiser beer was in the backseat.

The man was charged with cruelty toward a child and allowing 
an unlicensed minor to drive. He was released from jail on 
$2,000 bond. 



A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before 
his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, 
don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about 
that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
  

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Nigle
Re: Video card for wide monitor

Hello Dear Webby:
I need your help once again.  I purchased a wide screen 
monitor and now find my video doesn’t support it.  It is a 
19.5”.  How can I tell what type video card to get?
 
Thanks for all the good work,
Nigle

Dear Nigle
Since it is not standard, that would depend entirely on the 
brand and model of the monitor.
Check the manufacturer's web site.

Personally, I would return that monitor.
You are NOT going to be happy with that monitor.

To get the Wide screen experience,  duck tape the bottom 
third of your monitor for a day.
Unless you really like that, stay away from wide screen 
monitors. 

A standard aspect ratio monitor may be a bit harder to find
than the yuppie monitors, which are more profitable for the
merchants, but they are still available. With Dell and other
suppliers, just go into Business class instead of Home user.
They know business people are a lot less gullible, and often
buy hundreds of items at a time.
Have FUN!
DearWebby


An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.

"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.  
"I've been lost for three weeks."



The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Uses for Socks


Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him 
addressed as doctor and now she said coyly, "Doctor, may 
I ask a question?"

"Certainly," he said.

"Lately," said Judi, "I have been having a funny pain right here
above the heart . . ."

The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry,
Judi, but I'm a doctor of philosophy."

"Oooh," said Judi, "I'm sorry!"

She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned 
back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of 
disease is 'philosophy'?"


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Mosaic Mural Museum


ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter


Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

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