Good Morning, ! It's Wednesday, December 31, 2008 Last day of the year.
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. --- Jimmy Buffett
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Usually right after it breaks."
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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
Children's Unions went on strike today in Oklahoma, refusing to play with their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during the Christmas school break. Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City 7th grader, said, "This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and now, you know, this storm could have, like, waited until we, you know, got back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know, totally not cool." In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school breaks. Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given something real to strike about!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Infante, 40, of Cary, Illinois Bank robber busted after leaving behind own pay stub The note handed to a Fifth Third Bank teller Friday was clear enough (despite some language errors): "Be Quick Be Quit. Give your cash or I'll shoot." What was even clearer to FBI investigators examining the note was that they were not dealing with a criminal mastermind. The alleged robber, identified Monday as Thomas Infante, 40, of Cary, had written it on the back of his own pay stub, which helpfully provided the FBI with his name and home address. "It's fairly unusual that we see something that specifically stupid," said FBI spokesman Ross Rice. "But overall, we see a lot of strange bank robberies."
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the platinum and diamond ring she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a fancy wedding ring like that is to never take it off and to soak it in dishwater three times a day."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: --No Questions today-- Since there were no questions or requests today, I am going to take this space to thank you for 2008, and wisdh you all the Best for 2009. Have FUN! DearWebby
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy and sticky mess they extract from smashed nuts of some kind?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and toast with peanut butter...."
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Liquor Store Boxes Ask your local liquor store for boxes. Pick out some boxes with cardboard dividers which are used for shipping bottles. These boxes are great for storing and protecting breakable ornaments. Save your tissue paper and wrapping paper from presents to wrap your ornaments before putting them in the box. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A lady called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World ClockARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.7 / 105 )
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. --- Quentin Crisp Of those who say nothing, few are silent. --- Thomas Neill
An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter and began asking a passenger the required security questions. "Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry aboard the airplane today?" "No," said the woman. "Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired, pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag. "Yes," she answered. "Has your bag been under your control since you've been in the airport?" "Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh. "The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way, or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control."
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." hand written underneath: "Socks can eat any place they want."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:Fat Iguana (vegetarian dragon)
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Before Linda got married, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Difference between infection and virus Dear Webby Love all the computer information you give out. Is there a difference bewtween an infection and a virus on the computer. You have all the answers so thought I would ask you. Thank you again as you have helped me in the past. Have a great day. Shirley Dear Shirley An infection can be a virus, worm, trojan, spyware, ransom-ware, or malware. 1) Virus: tries to infect further computers 2) Worm: similar to virus, but does not try to infect further computers 3) Trojan: similar to worm, but is part of a program that you AGREED to run 4) Spyware: Just spies on you and reports, does not try to spread 5) Ransom-Ware: Demands payment 6) Malware: Does bad stuff like messing up your registry and/or weakening your security Some infections can have more than just one of those aspects. Have FUN! DearWebby
The 75-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be many hundreds!" "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said. "Naw," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Gifts For Next Year Any item such as gift sets or baking equipment can be gifted the following year or during the year as birthday presents. Just remember that just because it doesn't cost much doesn't mean it's a good deal. Some of the things leftover are leftover because they weren't salable at regular price so pick carefully. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, practising my bagpipes."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Memories of the SeaARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 77 )
We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld A man's silence is wonderful to listen to. --- Thomas Hardy
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid.
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"
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After being laid off, Judie papered the town with her resume. Days passed, and she hadn't received a single phone call. She decided to take a closer look at the copies her husband had printed at his real estate office. Judie quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while deemed to be reasonably accurate, can not be guaranteed."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Temperature in status line Webby, I would like to know of a safe, free download that shows the temperature next to the time on my taskbar. Do you know of one? Thank you for your time and your help. You are the only one I trust. Carolyn Dear Carolyn The only safe one I know is the outside thermometer from the Dollar store, that you stick onto a real glass window or window sill. You don't even have to turn the computer on for those. Actually, the $2.95 digital thermometers from the Radio Shack are safe too. They have a six foot long wire that sticks outside through a little hole that you drill through the wall or window frame. They have a digital display, but you have to change the AA battery once a year. I have one of those on the West side. I bought it about 20 years ago. They might be a bit more expensive now. Have FUN! DearWebby
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "Dad, I REALLY don't want to be president by the time I am your age !!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Returning Items If you plan on returning items that you received as a gift but don't have a receipt you will want to do it within a week or so of Christmas. Most stores are much more relaxed about returns immediately after Christmas. If you don't have a receipt, they may only extend in store credit rather than cash. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: NASA Pix of EarthARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 61 )
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now, go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour the water on you. We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methodist because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. Why, what do you think that means?" "That means we're 'piscopalians."
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
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A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again..?"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Earl Re: Emachines loaded with XP Howdy Webby, Great humor letter, I have noticed E-Machines loaded with XP at Wal Mart Stores in California. Earl Dear Earl That is good news indeed! While the early eMachines were cheap junk, they have drastically improved in the last 4 years, and nowadays are generally considered better than HP/Compaq. The only problem I can see, is that there is no business entrance and no way to get standard 4:3 ratio monitors with it, only the wide screens. Personally, I am not going to lower my standards to those, to save a few bucks. However, if you still have usable standard monitors, then those XP eMachines are a great deal. Have FUN! DearWebby
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning fire pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you tossing those souls aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are from Seattle ... they're too wet to burn!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ham Leftovers Here are some ways to make use of your ham leftovers: ham and cheese omelets, ham and cheese sandwiches, split pea soup, ham and bean soup, ham and eggs, pot pies or quiche. My favorite is thick split pea soup Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married. Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Winter picturesARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.1 / 52 )
A liberal is a person, whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --- Willis Player
At the supermarket parking lot I saw a lady who seemed rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables for my mother-in-law, but I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my mother-in-law. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself !'"
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' " "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."New! YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it
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A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither, her father is bald."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irvin Re: Is Vista fixed now? Dear Webby, Some friends claim that Vista has been fixed and is OK to use now. Is that just hype, or is there some truth to that? Thanks Irwin Dear Irwin Just hype. Those friends, if they lose their drivers license and have to park their car, would probably tell you that walking and taking the bus is good for you, and not so bad once you get used to it. The day they get their drivers license back, they will be driving again, and if they could get an XP machine, they would instantly switch and forget all their hype. Because of the demand, XP machines are more expensive, but they ARE still available at the business entrance of most computer vendors, with XP installed, and Vista on a beer coaster, like the CDs that AOL used to send around. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.comCheck out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Susan died
Susan Sanders-Kinzel, the founder and chief executive of
Thrifty-Fun passed away Dec 21.
She was a great friend and inspiration to all who knew her.
We will miss her
DearWebby
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Fun FotosARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 51 )
"God gave us memory that we might have roses in December." - James Matthew Barrie "You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." - Tom Wilson
In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced: "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked up the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take Him?" The little boy said, "About a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give Him a ride around the block in it...."
The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.New! YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it
Snow Plow Bait, have not done that for a few years. The roads around here are not steep enough.
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The Vauxhall Astra was so full of junk, magazines, old clothes and even bits of furniture, that they could barely see the driver at it roared down a motorway near Dusseldorf. The driver - who has not been named by police - has been banned from taking the car on the road again until it has passed a tidiness test. Police said the car was so full of junk the woman's face was pressed up against the windscreen as she drove.
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandie Re: ISASS.exe/application error Dear Webby, my daughter wrote me that her ie has a brownish yellow color around the top left of the e, and when you click on it and nothing happens, google loaed then off then back to reg screen then screen went blank... error says ISASS.exe/application error memory could not be written. What causes that? Dear Sandie Isass can be a Windows file that works fine, unless it is overwritten by a trojan or virus. lsass.exe is a process which is registered as a trojan. This Trojan allows attackers to access your computer from remote locations, stealing passwords, Internet banking and personal data. This process is a security risk and should be removed from your system. lsass.exe is registered as a downloader. This process usually comes bundled with a virus or spyware and its main role is to do nothing other than download other viruses/spyware to your computer. This process is a security risk and should be removed from your system. Tell her to run mcAfee or Superantispyware. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Perfume or Cologne and Clothing Put perfume or cologne on your skin instead of your clothing. The perfume may stain or damage some types of fabric. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The budding young Yuppette had been dating a successful stockbroker for several months. Just before Christmas she asked her Mother, "Whatever can you give a man who has everything for Christmas?" Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied, "Encouragement dear, encouragement."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Denver Zoo VideosARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.1 / 60 )
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. --Dr. Seuss
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any brothers or sisters." "And what did she say when you told her you were an only child?" his mom asked. And Little Johnny said, "Well, she just let out a deep breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."New! YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it
Thanks to Martin for this pictureRock carving of Nativity, Church of St. Simeon, El Muquttam mountain and "Garbage City," suburb of Cairo, Egypt
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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jacques Re: Regrenew Greetings to you and your fine staff, and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Now for my problem. I am receiving a message on my pc which warns me of possible registry errors. The message cannot be copied or I would send you a screen shot. This is what it says: **************** Message from FROM to TO on (date) at (time) STOP ! SYSTEM MAY REQUIRE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION Your operating system registry may have errors or be corrupt. To optionally check or fix your system registry, 1- Download Registry Update from: WWW.REGRENEW.COM 2- Install Registry Update 3- Run Registry Update 4- Reboot your computer etc.... Question: Is this something I should heed or is someone playing a cruel joke on me? How should I proceed? And how do I stop this message from appearing? Thank you for your kind assistance. Jacques Dear Jacques Do NOT click on that! Your computer is infected with ransom ware from REGRENEW.COM You are not in control of your computer any more. Possibly superantispyware can remove that. Have FUN! DearWebby
Merry Christmas from the Express Empress
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shelling Walnuts If you want to shell walnuts but keep the nut intact, soak the walnuts in saltwater overnight before shelling them. Then gently crack the nuts. Pre shelled walnuts are much more expensive. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Young Aaron Fikelstein came home in great excitement, saying, "Father! Father! On returning from school , I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the fifty-cent bus fare." The father replied by slapping the son on the cheek as he shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $25.00?"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Christmas SingalongARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.9 / 83 )
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. --- Oscar Wilde
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A: Lawnmowers can be tuned.
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."New! YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it
Redneck Christmas Tree
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A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up with a puzzled look and said, "Mom, these are MY feet!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jean Re: Foam on microphone Dear Webby I had always been wondering what the foam blob on my head set microphone was about. A few days ago my doggie chewed it off, and since then everybody has asked me if I got new teeth. What's the story, and will any other foam work? Jean Dear Jean The foam accomplishes the same thing as an expensive electronic "spit filter", it takes the excessive hiss and pop off the T's, TH's, P's and S's, and makes a cheap mike sound as good as an expensive one. The good news is that any open cell foam will work. Open cell means you can blow through it. The foam chips used in pillows work fine. Poke a hole into one, stick the microphone into it and try it. You can trim the foam chip with scissors to make it look better and also to sculpt the sound. Usually you want more damping on the side away from you, to cut the background noise, but for meetings you want the opposite, so you dampen your voice the most, and the voices farther away the least. For a softer voice, wash the foam together with clothes a few times. For a crisp command voice, spray it with varnish, spray-on starch or canvas sizing. Have FUN! DearWebby
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse, put the green mud-pack on her face, the teeth-whitening cartridge in her mouth and proceeded to wash her hair and stick curlers into it. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel over her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that monfter ?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baking Soda in Your Clothes Hamper Pour a little baking soda into the bottom of your hamper to help keep your dirty clothes smelling fresh. You can even keep a shaker with baking soda in it near your hamper to shake on top of your clothes when needed. A used and cleaned out Parmesan cheese container works great. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Jimmie and Johnnie were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW ..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "I know, but Gramma is!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Christmas" target="_blank" >http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2008/12/c ... ;Christmas TV VegetationARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.1 / 64 )
A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. --- Granville Hicks There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"New! YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it
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Sign at the church: Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re: Where can I get Superantispyware ? Dear Webby Regarding SuperAntispywear, can you tell me where is a safe place to download it from. I'm a bit nervous about downloading anything now after thinking a site was safe and it wasn't. Thanks if you can help if not not a problem. Happy Christmas to you also to your dad, wishing lot's of laughs and happy memories for both of you and your loved ones. Trish Dear Trish You can get it straight from their site at http://www.superantispyware.com Have FUN! DearWebby
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?" "Yes Sir", answered the boy "I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?" "My father, sir." "And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly. "He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up and confused, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baking Bacon Cooking bacon in the oven allows you to cook large quantities of bacon quickly. Just line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and lay your bacon flat. Cook at 400 degrees F for 15 to 20 minutes. For less greasy bacon, use a cookie sheet too. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World's Tallest Snow-WomanARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 98 )
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --- George Bernard Shaw Getting caught is the mother of invention. --- Robert Byrne
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven." "I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?" "It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
Thanks to Kris About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny." "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"New! YouTube Downloader And Converter Software. Grab YouTube and other videos and convert them to wmv and many other formats for smooth off-line viewing and even using them on your iPod, iPhone, or your own web site. Click here to grab it
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:Atlanta Burger King. Economy is just fine in Atlanta.
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Thanks to Curtis for this story: While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital. I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry or have a temper tantrum."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gerry Re: Is SuperAntiSpyware Legit Dear Webby Some people suggested that I use SuperAntiSpyware to remove some sneaky stuff, some of it similar to what Louis mentioned yesterday. However, with a name like that, I am concerned that it might be ransom ware. Is it legit? Gerry Dear Gerry Yes, it is legit and I have not heard anything bad about it. So far, everybody who mentioned it, said it successfully got rid of whatever their machine was infcted with. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Linda for this story: Yesterday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crack a Nut Without a Nut Cracker No nut cracker on hand? Here are some other ways to crack a nut. 1. Use a vice grip or pliers. 2. Place the nut in a towel and hit it with a blunt option like a hammer or mallet. Another ladies' method is to put walnuts or similar nuts between two leather gloves, then hit them with the heel of a shoe. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving my Jeep."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Winter SolsticeARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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