Good Morning, ! It's Monday, February 16, 2009
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --- George Bernard Shaw,
Thanks to Cookie for this story: A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' ----------------- The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
A 6 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees". When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Colonel Jack: What's your name, driver? Driver: Alfred, sir. Colonel Jack: I always call my drivers by their last names. What's your last name, driver? Driver: It's Sweetheart, sir. Colonel Jack: Drive on, Alfred.If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to French and British navies French and British nuclear subs collide http://snipurl.com/byo4z [www_thesun_co_uk] BRITISH and French nuclear submarines which collided deep under the Atlantic could have sunk or released deadly radioactivity, it emerged last night. The Royal Navy’s HMS Vanguard and the French Navy’s Le Triomphant are both nuclear powered and both were carrying nuke missiles. Between them they had around 250 sailors on board. The MoD insisted last night there had been no nuclear security breach. But this is the biggest embarrassment to the Navy since Iran captured 15 sailors in 2007. The naval source said: “Crashing a nuclear submarine is as serious as it gets.” Vanguard is one of Britain’s four V-Class subs forming their Trident nuclear deterrent. Each is armed with 16 ballistic missiles, ready to fire them off at a moment's notice, just in case the Irish are acting up. Vanguard weighs 16,000 tons, is 150 metres long and has a crew of 140. She was last night towed into Faslane in Scotland, with dents and scrapes visible on her hull. Triomphant limped to Brest with extensive damage to her sonar dome. Triomphant has a crew of 101 and a dozen atom bomb tipped missiles. It wasn't clear who the French are afraid of and planning to run from, but they say they are ready.
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time, and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays," Neville then said, "Na, maite, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya blimey idiot. Where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, aiy!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jivan Re: Yahoo is blocking mail Dear Webby I would like to inform you that I do not get the "HUMOUR "daily please send me daily Thanks Jivan Dear Jivan That is not surprising with Yahoo. I can't fix Yahoo's problems, I can only send your subscription out to you every day. After it has entered the Yahoo server, there is nothing more I can do about it. Once you get a respectable address, that problem will instantly go away. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at email@example.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sticky Zipper If you have a sticky zipper on a piece of clothing, try rubbing the zipper with a pencil. The graphite in the pencil should help lubricate the zipper. A bar of soap also can be effective. Keep in mind that zippers don't rust. If a zipper sticks, it is because of misalignment, usually from unevenly stretched fabric. You can NOT fix that while wearing the garment. Take it off, soak it or steam it with the zipper closed all the way, then stretch it evenly and iron it dry. The zipper will work like new. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
They were burying Irish Pat today and the priest was explaining to the congregation that before they could put Pat to rest, someone had to get up and say something nice about Pat, even though Pat was a womanizer, a drunk and a fighter. No one got up. So the priest got up again and said,"Maybe I didn't explain me-self properly. Before we can put Paddy in his grave, one of us MUST get up and say something nice about the man.It's our duty as Irishmen and Catholics." So as the priest sat down again, Little Murphy in the back pew got up, cleared his throat, and with his porkpie hat in his hand said, "His brother was worse!".Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rural BrasilARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!Webby.com
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