Good Morning, ! It's Tuesday, February 17, 2009
When ideas fail, words come in very handy. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. --- Robert Benchley
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of thetoothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Pinwheel Galaxy. Click it for the big version
Trishia is five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After she had a minor accident, her sister accompanied her to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for her height and weight, and she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, her sister leaned over to her. "Trishia," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tesco Express store in St Annes, Lancashire, England. Store dmands ID from seniors http://snipurl.com/c1412 [www_dailymail_co_uk] James Earls is almost 60, has grey hair and uses a walking frame. So he was more than a little surprised when he tried to buy a packet of cigarettes and was asked to prove he was over 18. He was even more shocked when staff refused to sell him the cigarettes because he had no ID on him to prove his age. Earlier this month a great-grandfather was shocked when a store assistant refused to sell him fishing equipment - unless he could prove he was over 18. John Payne, 73, wanted to buy the tackle at the Original Factory Shop, in Melksham, Wiltshire, when he was asked to show valid identification to prove he was over 18. Mr Payne, a great-grandfather of nine, from Bremhill, Calne, Wiltshire, has been fishing for more than 50 years and said he had never encountered this sort of problem before.
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!" Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know." "I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: JJS Re: RoboForm Dear Webby I use and like the free version of Roboform you suggested even tho it is limited to 10 passwords. What is your opinion of Password Partner ? I don't dare download any programs like that without your comment. Thanks for your news letter as it is the first I read every day. JJS Dear JJS No idea if that Password Partner is reliable or even malware. I have used the Roboform PRO for many years and I would be totally lost without it. Because I test the email addresses, that I set up for clients, I have thousands of user name / password combos in it. Never any problem with Roboform. Syncing it to the laptop so that I can work while away from the office is a snap. I wholeheartedly recommend Roboform PRO, that is why I have carried a link in the side menu for so many years. Have FUN! Dear Webby
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, " What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Coring Iceberg Lettuce Using a knife to cut lettuce causes the lettuce to brown more quickly. To remove the core from a head of iceberg lettuce, hit the core end against the counter sharply and twist the core out. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Myriam for this story: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife: " What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Russian Cake ArtARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --- George Bernard Shaw,
Thanks to Cookie for this story: A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' ----------------- The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
A 6 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees". When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Colonel Jack: What's your name, driver? Driver: Alfred, sir. Colonel Jack: I always call my drivers by their last names. What's your last name, driver? Driver: It's Sweetheart, sir. Colonel Jack: Drive on, Alfred.If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time, and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays," Neville then said, "Na, maite, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya blimey idiot. Where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, aiy!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jivan Re: Yahoo is blocking mail Dear Webby I would like to inform you that I do not get the "HUMOUR "daily please send me daily Thanks Jivan Dear Jivan That is not surprising with Yahoo. I can't fix Yahoo's problems, I can only send your subscription out to you every day. After it has entered the Yahoo server, there is nothing more I can do about it. Once you get a respectable address, that problem will instantly go away. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sticky Zipper If you have a sticky zipper on a piece of clothing, try rubbing the zipper with a pencil. The graphite in the pencil should help lubricate the zipper. A bar of soap also can be effective. Keep in mind that zippers don't rust. If a zipper sticks, it is because of misalignment, usually from unevenly stretched fabric. You can NOT fix that while wearing the garment. Take it off, soak it or steam it with the zipper closed all the way, then stretch it evenly and iron it dry. The zipper will work like new. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
They were burying Irish Pat today and the priest was explaining to the congregation that before they could put Pat to rest, someone had to get up and say something nice about Pat, even though Pat was a womanizer, a drunk and a fighter. No one got up. So the priest got up again and said,"Maybe I didn't explain me-self properly. Before we can put Paddy in his grave, one of us MUST get up and say something nice about the man.It's our duty as Irishmen and Catholics." So as the priest sat down again, Little Murphy in the back pew got up, cleared his throat, and with his porkpie hat in his hand said, "His brother was worse!".Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rural BrasilARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.9 / 54 )
How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin. ---Ronald Reagan
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked: "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady standing beside her. "Grandma will pay the bill," she smiled.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults
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Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you please thank her for two pies?"If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?", he asked. "No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for 'Unleaded Fuel Only.' "
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hank Re: ISP blocking mail Dear Webby, Yes, it is my POP 3 e-mail that is being blocked. I have subscribed to you and Ophelia on POP 3 and then I no longer received them. I then subscribed through Hotmail as I had to do with another newsletter. When I have tried to resubscribe I received a note saying I was already subscribed under my POP 3 mail. I use Incredimail as my mail server. My ISP has a home mail page but I cannot get you through that. The ISP assured me they are not blocking any e-mails to my account. Thanks for your help, hank Dear Hank That is quite a sad-ass bunch of incompetent morons at your ISP, if they don't allow you the get the Humor Letter. What is that ISP's name? People in your area need to be warned about those klutzes. If I was in your shoes, I would get my money back, and chose a better ISP. If there is no other ISP in your neck of the woods, get yourself a gmail address, just like most of the yahoos do. You can download your gmail with any of the better POP3 programs. Gmail does quite impressive spam filtering, but at times can get a bit too aggressive. However, if you drag a piece of mail out of the spam into the INbox, it will respect that from then on. Gmail is quite civilized! Have FUN! Dear Webby
A pastor told his congregation that he was going to do a 4 point message series over the next few weeks. Whatever word I end on", he told them, "I want you to sing a song that goes with that word". The 1st week the word was Rock. So the congregation sang "Rock of Ages". The 2nd week the word was Assurance. So they sang "Blessed Assurance". The 3rd week the word was Cross. They sang "At the Cross". The 4th week the word was sex. The congregation was baffled at what to sing. Finally an 85 yr old man stood up from the back of the church and started singing "Precious Memories". Try singing that song next time without laughing.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put a Pan Under Sink When Making Repairs If you change the faucet or drain in your kitchen or bathroom sink, put a shallow pan under the sink to catch any drips. Keep the pan there for 4 weeks to make sure water isn't accumulating. Check it periodically and tighten fixtures if necessary. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lightning over TexasARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." -- Antoine de Saint Exupery "Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." -- Franklin P. Jones
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. "You should try some Tums and eat properly!"
One nun is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants? SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So, the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And?? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down! (...And, for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's...! )
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Dear
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your special Sunday dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." The painter thanked him and agreed to do that. Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm a man of my word. I'm here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elaine Re: Music on cards not playing in FireFox Dear Webby, Why is Firefox not playing the music on cards? Any other browser plays the music just fine. Elaine Dear Elaine That is NOT a problem with the cards. The music IS there. It is a problem with Firefox. Unlike other browsers, it does not have a built in midi player. To get around that Firefox problem, you have to install and configure a midi player, for example Apple's QuickTime. Like all Apple stuff, it is huge and bulky and a nuisance to configure. There are precise step by step instructions for installing QuickTime at http://www.terryscomputertips.com/compu ... -files.php Yes, I know it is a silly rigamarole, but that's the way FireFox is. Other than that embarrassing midi playing problem, Firefox is just as good as other browsers, but their midi problem sure makes them look like incompetent klutzes. After installing a midiplayer, and telling all your visitors to either do the same, or to use a browser that plays midis without any hassle, it would be a good idea if you wrote to Firefox and told them about how you feel about their shortcomings. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" "Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Romantic Meal at Home For Valentines Day This can be even more special than eating at a restaurant and at a fraction of the cost. If you don't feel like cooking, you can order dinner from your favorite restaurant that offers carry out. Create the atmosphere of dining out by setting the table with your best dishes and candles. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," she insisted. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hot Air BalloonsARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.1 / 59 )
Friday, the 13th! Better be careful! It is bad luck to be superstitious.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. --- Will Rogers If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. --- Doug Larson
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married ?" "Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice. "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man ?" "My mother did."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence. Max: The rabbit ran across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frieda Re: PowerPoint Trick for OE Dear Webby Dear Webby, My solution when my Power Point started doing that was to right click attachment and save to documents. Then Power Point opens it right up. Just another option for Ann. Your tech. tips help so many people and I look forward each day to your pictures. You have something for everyone. Bless you, Frieda Thanks Frieda! Have FUN! Dear Webby
A number of new Air-Force recruits were being taken on their first training flight. The plane had just leveled out after taking off when one of the engines seized up, and another began smoking badly. Adjusting his parachute, the instructor strove for nonchalance as he made his way to the hatch door. "Now I want you men to keep perfectly calm," he said, "while I go for help."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thrifty Reusable Napkins Instead of paper towels, we use washcloths for napkins. The cheap ones work great, and you can wash and reuse them. You can usually buy packs of colored ones for not much money. You can also cut up old shirts, blouses, even jeans, and hem the squares. Some people even embroider them. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critter PicturesARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.9 / 44 )
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. --- Fyodor Dostoevsky
Thanks to Trish for this follow-up on that cute Koala in the wildfire: VIDEO: Thirsty koala Sam the koala survives the bushfire and drinks three bottles of water courtesy of CFA volunteer David Tree
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention. "Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of it's valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (....repent and be baptized....) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture??" replied the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38's!!!"If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
BELLEFONTAINE, Ohio - A fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class after using a school computer to arrange an afternoon tryst at a motel, authorities said Wednesday. Amber Carter, 35, left school early Tuesday — taking half a sick day — and was arrested in a motel parking lot in Bellefontaine, where authorities had set up a sting operation. An anonymous e-mail was sent to the Logan County Sheriff's Department on Feb. 4 saying a local woman was posting cash-for-sex ads on the popular Web site Craig's list, Lt. Rob Bibart said. Detectives found the ad and arranged Tuesday's meeting with Carter, he said. "It was done very subtly. We pulled up, I identified myself," he said. "I put her in an unmarked car, and off we went." Detectives were uncertain how long Carter had been advertising for sex, Bibart said. Bellefontaine, a small city of 13,000, is about 50 miles northwest of Columbus. Carter was placed on administrative leave, said Bellefontaine City Schools Superintendent Larry Anderson. She has worked for the district for 13 years, starting as a kindergarten teacher. Carter was charged with misdemeanor prostitution and a felony count of unauthorized use of property, related to the school computer. She was released from Logan County jail Tuesday.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root. That will be one payment on my sandals, please." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer. That will be one payment on my donkey, please." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. That will be one payment on my wagon, please." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow these pills. That will be one payment on my Buick, please." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. That will be one payment on my Mercedes, please." 2002 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root! That will be one payment on my yacht, please."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: No program associated with Dear Webby Quite often (but not all the time) I get the following notice with an email...."This file does not have aprogram associated with it for performing this action. Create an association in the Folder Options Control Panel" It is mostly with Power Point files. Do you have any idea what this is and how I actually do that... or is this an "Empress" question? Thanks as always for your great ezine and advice. Ann Dear Ann RIGHT-click START, Explore Tools FolderOptions File Types And in there look for the file extensions PPS and PPT, and assign the PowerPoint Viewer to those extensions. From then on, Windows will use that program for that file type. If you have Open Office, you can use that as the viewer, if you don't, use Microsoft's Power Point Viewer. You can get both free from my Toolbox Have FUN! Dear Webby
A Southerner had just moved to New York, and one day, a robber approached him and said, "Give me your money or I'll blow your brains out!" "Blow away," replied the Southerner, "You obviously can live in New York without brains, but I shore could not live here without money."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Cast Iron Pans Don't use dish soap or diswashers to clean cast iron pans. Fill the dirty pan with water and bring it to a boil, then you should be able to scrub off any debris. Rinse with hot water, let the pan dry and rub a small amount of shortening, lard, cooking spray or cooking oil inside the pan before storing. For really stubborn stuff, you can use sea salt as grit without damaging the patina too much. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man was being proselytized by group of friends: "Come join our study group. We want to discuss mankind's relationship to God." "I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions don't matter." "But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?" "Wherever my wife tells me to."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Good ReadsARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.1 / 48 )
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. --- John Lennon
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$275.' ... If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $250.'... If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.' ---- Looks like I better learn to flutter my eyes!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Thanks to Donny for this picture. True Love Newfie StyleHe didn't say if that was him in the picture.
The finance committee of our church refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier, because none of the members knows how to play one.If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
A third grade teacher asked her class: "I'd like you to be very quiet today. I've got a dreadful headache." "Excuse me," said little Johnny, "why don't you do what my mom does when she has a hangover?" "What's that?" asked the teacher. "She sends us outside to play."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eno Re: Editing PDF files Dear Webby Is there a way to edit PDF files without shelling out big money? A lot of job application forms are long PDFs, and I hate printing them out, scribbling on them and then faxing them. Thanks, Eno Dear Eno There is some software out there for filling in fields, IF the form had been created in interactive mode. That is probably about 3% of them, and hardly justifies the expense. The cheapest method is to use a graphics program like PSP or Photoshop or whatever you got, Reduce the PDF View to 75% so that each page just fits onto the screen, take a screen shot of each page, type or paste your info onto the pages with the text tool in the graphics program. For your signature, just scan it and make a small jpg file just big enough for the signature. Paste that where the signature goes. Then paste each of those pages into an Open Office WRITE document, one per page, and export it to PDF. Then you can attach that PDF file to an email or upload it. Save the document too, because there are probably parts that you can re-use later. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He was trying every excuse in the world, trying to get out of it but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the Grey suit with those shifty eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty." So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!" With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That's his lawyer."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grocery Bags for Cleaning the Litter Box If you use scoop-able cat litter, the bags you get at grocery stores work great for disposing of the litter. Just keep some near the litter box. Tie the bag handles together before throwing away and it will help cut down on odors in your garbage can. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man entered a barbershop and said, "I am tired of looking like everyone else. I want a change. Part my hair from ear to ear!" The barber nodded and said, "Are you sure?" His customer said, "yes," so the barber did as he was told, and the satisfied gentleman left the shop a happy man. Three hours passed and the man reentered the barber shop. "Put it back the way it was," hesaid. "What's the matter?" said the barber. "Are you tired of being a non-conformist already?" "No," the customer replied, "I'm tired of people whispering at my nose."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Caribbean CoralARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 63 )
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. --- Bertrand Russell A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. --- P. J. O'Rourke
Petra had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause--hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability, short temper, bossiness, aches and pains, etc., etc. returned. Eventually she wound up at the drugstore and was telling the pharmacist all about her problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help" "Sure it does, " he grinned, "this way I can see the numbers."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
I noticed the neighbor down the street was home and sitting on his porch every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened . . . Turns out his boss got sick and tired of him.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kay Re: Program Updates Dear.Webby I enjoy and rely on your advice about computers---- Thank you. What are your thoughts about "Secunia Online Software Inspector"? I have this installed on my computer, and they seem to advise constant upgrades on all my software. I am wondering if this is necessary and if they are a reliable company. Thank you for your help. Kay from Mn. Dear Kay I remember Petunia, one of my first girlfriends, but I have never heard of Secunia. Our computers work quite fine without it. It is a good idea to let anti-virus and anti-spyware update whenever they have new definitions, and many of Microsoft's patches for their buggy software actually have fewer bugs than what they patch, but other than that, updates are usually not that critical. Good programs, like for example the Quattro spreadsheet, are just fine if you use the version from 2000. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Mark, went into a convenience store to prepay for gasoline and returned with two plastic bottles of soda. As he filled the tank, his wife opened a bottle. To her dismay it fizzed and foamed all over her lap. Several miles down the road, Mark asked for his soda. Handing it to him, She warned, "Be careful. These are really over-carbonated." But when Mark opened his bottle, it barely hissed. Eyes on the road, he nonchalantly said, "You must have gotten the one I dropped."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Today's Entrées and Tomorrow's Sandwiches Incorporate leftover sandwiches into your weekly menu For example, have meat loaf one night and meat loaf sandwiches the next night. Some other ideas: Spaghetti and Meatballs and then meatball sandwiches. Turkey and then leftover hot turkey sandwiches with gravy. Roast beef and then French dip. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Six-year-old Jay's father was a rector in a small church. One day, his father told Jay that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Jay became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet the bishop. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Jay bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Jay was very excited about the opportunity to do this. His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop's room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up." Jay was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally, morning came and Jay rehearsed his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though, that his lines got mixed up and Jay said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: NewseumARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.9 / 69 )
I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy. --- Richard Feynman There are only two ways of telling the complete truth-- anonymously and posthumously. --- Thomas Sowell
Arnie came into the office looking somewhat tired and bedraggled, but anxious to explain his nearly one hour tardiness. "Our chickens have been disappearing." He said. "And Pa made up his mind to put a stop to it. But nothing happened for several nights. Then last night about 3 o'clock, Pa got me and Ol' Blue, our dog, and his shot gun, all cocked and loaded, to go out with him to the chicken house to see what was going on." He went on. "Well, Pa sleeps in his birthday suit, and as he bent over to go into the chicken house, Ol' Blue cold-nosed Pa where he didn't expect it. Both barrels went off. Ever since then we've been up a-cleanin' and a-pluckin' more than 50 chickens. I missed the bus and had to walk 3 miles to school."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Thanks to Lillemor for this picture from Preikestolen
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hank Re: Sharing a connection Dear.Webby I still read your emails first. I am a sharp senior with time on my hands. I was reading about wireless connectins etc. Is it a real crime in all states to pirate connections from a neighbor etc or just something we should protect against. How about if your neighbor invites you to do it? thanks for any response. A cheapskate senior friend of mind was thrilled when the neighbor let him use his connection to save him a few bucks so he could go out to eat every night. Hank Dear Hank Same as with electricity, it is not a crime IF you get permission. I actually encourage people to pool their resources and get ONE greased lightning fast connection, and then share it with a long reach router and long reach PC cards. As long as none of the 6 pool members abuses it to haul down lots of movies, it works fine and is a lot cheaper than six low speed accounts. You buy the router and the cards once, and save on the monthly connection fees foreverafter. In a tight cluster like an apartment building even a decent regular router will be enough. Just make sure you exclude download hogs. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sawdust Floor Sweeping Compound Use this recipe to help keep dust down when sweeping your basement garage or workshop. Mix 6 cups sawdust, 2 cups rock salt, and 1 1/2 cups mineral oil and put it in a jar with a lid for storage. To use, sprinkle it on your floor before sweeping. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Modern Thunder BoxARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 64 )
Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. ------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Are long reach routers a threat? Dear.Webby Say a neighbor has one of these long reach routers, can he get into my computer? Roland Dear Roland No, that is not how it works. If he has one of those modern long range routers, HIS router will do a handshake and communicate with HIS laptop, even when he sits down at Hooters, 3 miles away. You or anybody else trying to use his high speed connection are out of luck, because HIS router simply ignores your computer's attempt to do a handshake and log in. He is secure, because he uses the new standards, which even professionals can't break. Keep in mind that the connection is initiated by the computer, not the router. The computer reaches out to the routers in the area and initiates the first handshake. His router just sits and waits for that. If you selected your wireless router by price, then any kid can break into your network and use it. That doesn't mean, that they can or will get into your computer. Usually they just use your Internet access to download movies and games, because on their own connection they have already gone over their monthly limit. They don't use long range cards with high security in their laptops, but the cheapest they can get, to match the routers in most homes. If you see kids parked near you house and suspect, that they are using your connection, just unplug the power to your router. If they drive on to the next house, you got your proof. There are other ways too to tell if you got hitch-hikers on the LAN, but that is the easiest way to dump them. Have FUN! Dear Webby
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said: "Poor Devil!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gopherproof Flower Beds You can create a gopherproof flower bed by digging down about 18 inches and lining the bottom and sides of the bed with screens (old window screens work well) or avery mesh. Then replace the dirt and plant the flower bed. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained. "Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Brands in PaintingsARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3 / 51 )
Re Yesterday's bonehead Award: Dear Webby, Imagine my surprise today when I looked at the bonehead award and saw the story about Shaun Rimmer - this is the little b*****d who burgled my house in July last year and I was ready to give evidence with Josh at his trial on December 16th last year when he finally admitted his guilt. As usual with these things sentencing is deferred until some do gooder liberals reports a bout how bad a life he has had are done - at this time I am on holiday in the US and to find out how long he got sent down for was a joy - and I was amazed how I found out! Thank you - and keep up the great work. Regards, Frank
Thanks to Dianne for this: It was so cold during our trip to Canada that my wife and I ducked into a department store to buy long underwear. When we asked a saleswoman where we could find a pair, she directed us to the lingerie department. "You know you're in Canada," I grumbled to my wife, "When long johns are considered lingerie."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly, and throwing furtive glances at her mother, checking for the first signs of any results. Finally she sighed and exclaimed: "For THAT I'll need more power!"If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
The latest breach came during the morning rush hour near Collinsville, Illinois, where a sign was changed to "Daily lane closures due to zombies". A day earlier, in Indiana's Hamilton County, the electronic message on a board in Carmel's construction zone warned drivers of "Raptors ahead". And signs in Austin, Texas, recently flashed: "Nazi zombies! Run!!!" and "Zombies in area! Run", reports the Daily Telegraph. Officials in Illinois are concerned the rewritten signs could distract motorists from heeding legitimate warnings. Authorities haven't figured out how pranksters access the signs but Mr Gasaway believes the Illinois sign was changed remotely. ------------- No kidding?
An older Jewish man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he is about to receive the anesthesia, the patient asks to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Reach of wireless router Dear.Webby What is the maximum reach of wireless routers? And how secure are they? Thanks Ellen Dear Ellen Keep in mind that the other end, the card in your computer or laptop has to be just as powerful and talk the same language. I can get routers and PC-cards that work reliably for 3 Miles. Security is no problem, they use the newest standards including WPA-PSK random key security. Naturally, they cost more than bargain routers that barely reach thirty feet for you, but let all the kids in the neighborhood use your Internet access. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Thnks to Irene for this story: My husband and I were browsing in a crafts store when he noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument he took to be a mouth harp. He put it to his lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it. After watching from a distance, I walked up and whispered in his ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shopping For Parts When you go shopping for parts to repair your car, sewing machine, or any other device, write down the make and model number of what you are repairing so you can be sure to get the right part. Sometimes you can order online directly from the manufacturer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the snow shovel !"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sailing yachtsARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.9 / 47 )
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. --- Oscar Wilde The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. --- Art Spander
A guy who went to New York, jumped into a cab and asked "How do you get to Carnigie Hall?" The cabbie said "practice, practice, practice!"
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What's so special about this pictrue? Day before yesterday when I Skyped my dad while he had breakfast in his wintergarden, he was all excited about "The Flash". Three times a year the window on the restaurant on the "High Chest", the mountain about 30 miles West from him, across the border in Switzerland, reflects the rising sun directly into his wintergarden, like a Million Watt spotlight. On the first of the three days it does that, it is for 4 - 5 seconds, on the second day for about 20 seconds, and on the third day again for 4 - 5 seconds. As you can see, he is still in the dark before sunrise, but the mountains across the border are already in sunlight. So he got the camera ready for yesterday morning, and when "The Flash" happened, he snapped a few pictures. The cut-out is original size, pasted into the picture that I shrunk for the Humor Letter, and you can see ow much brighter the Flash is than the sunlit snow.
How does Ruth like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan. "Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting." "What's the difference?" Danny pressed. "Well, Ryan explained, "When I come home from work, she's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet .If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle". Clerk: "Oh yes, what do you call it?" Inventor: "A fottle." Clerk: "That's a silly name, can you think of something else?" Inventor: "I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton." Clerk: "And what do you call that?" Inventor: "A farton." Clerk: "That's rude, you can't possibly use that name." Inventor: "Gee, you're probably not going to be like my folding bucket either!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Pris Re: SP3 blocker to expire? Dr.Webby I believe everything I read from you but I am a fairly new subscriber. Do I have to install all the stuff from Microsoft? I mean come on everyday or so they are putting all kinds of stuff on for me to download or they are installing something. Ever since this started my computer is getting slower every day. Thanks very much, Mary Dear Mary Microsoft bug fixes are normally just on the second Tuesday every month. If you see more update requests acting like they were from Microsoft, then they are phony. McAfee and other anti-virus companies update their virus detection lists more frequently, sometimes more than once a day, if new viruses come out. However, they don't pretend to be from Microsoft and tell you that it is a McAfee update, and they don't disrupt your work. If you get daily update requests pretending to be from Microsoft, then either a big update did not get completed because of a poor or slow connection, or it is phony. Run a GOOD anti-virus program like McAfee, and an Anti-Spyware program like Spybot-Search&Destroy, to see if your computer has been infected and is under control of somebody else. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Table Salt for Car Windows If you sprinkle table salt on your windshield, it will defrost faster and make stubborn ice easier to scrape off. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux, went out in the Gulf fishing. They were gone a couple of months. On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says "Sacri Bleu! Look it dat! You run over a fone pole an it takes 9 mons ta get Southern Bell ta put in a new pole an fix da fone. We go fish a bit, an dem Mexicans done come over here an build a whole telifone company!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Funny Baby PixARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 2.8 / 39 )
The only thing I like about rich people is their money. --- Nancy Astor A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions-- as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Later the lawyers speak and the judge listens.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the tent flap opened and a soldier rushed in to announce, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!" Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the @#$% lights!" ---- With northern lights the phrase "the lights are out" goes back a lot farther than electric lights, and actually means "the northern lights have come out from behind the clouds, they are visible".If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy old fart." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term in latin, so that I can tell my wife."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Pris Re: SP3 blocker to expire? Dear Webby, I read this on a news letter that I get---what do you think of this statement? Is it true?Microsoft says the Service Pack Blocker Tool will soon expire. It prevents Windows from installing Vista SP1 or XP SP3. The tools expire on April 28 and May 19, respectively. Pris Dear Pris Yes, that is indeed true. Microsoft does not give a hoot about what their victims want, and if you don't like that, you can switch to Linux or Mac. You can still manually block the XP-SP3, but beware, they WILL try and sneak it onto your system, even if it won't work any more after that. SP3 works OK on SOME computers, but the only way to find out if trashes yours, is to try it. Make sure your data is backed up onto DVDs or onto the web. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Ron has been telling his wife for 37 years that diamonds look tacky on younger women. So far, it has worked
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soup is Too Sweet? If you make soup or sauce and it comes out too sweet, just add a little salt or a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar to it. Taste it after every addition to make sure it has been corrected. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tonight's SkyARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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( 3.2 / 44 )
In a mad world only the mad are sane. --- Akira Kurosawa Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. --- Mark Twain
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Heaviest snow fall in England in 18 years.
Jill's husband was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in terrible shape," the lady behind the counter stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue." "Yes, I know." said the man. "It's my wife Jill, she is out of control." "Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you make?" asked the bank teller.. "Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Q. What do you get when you cross a lion and an ocelot? A. A political animal called a Lialot, close relative of the Cheetalot.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lillian Re: Postcards and Spambots Dear Webby, I'm setting up my pro site (http://wildlovephotography.com/ecards.html). I was wondering if there is any protection place to keep spam bots from sending cards from my site. If there aren't, do you have any suggestions of things I should add? Thanks a lot! Lillian Dear Lillian Spambots are trojans infecting Windows machines. They can't do anything on servers with UNIX. In addition to that, the way we wrote the postcard engine, the cards can not be filled out by scripts like the ones that spam blogs. Have FUN! Dear Webby
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends: "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And not bother me when I am not in the mood to be bothered!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Life for Your Carpet - Rearrange Your Furniture It is good to move your furniture from time to time to change the traffic pattern in your house. Your carpet is worn down much faster where people walk. If there is a section where you cannot shift the furniture, consider a throw rug or other protection for that area. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The young man told his father, "I want to marry a beautiful woman, a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy." His father told him he'd better make up his mind.Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: ChinaARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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If Al Gore sees his shadow today, there will be six more weeks of record cold climate.
A pipe burst in a senators house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the senator a bill for $600. The senator exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a senator!" The plumber smiled and replied: "Considering how much your loopholes leak, you shouldn't. MY work doesn't leak."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults
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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?" The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast." "What about the green one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." The man says, "What does HE do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
This is best explained by an employee of Wegman - "we just cut and paste from the email to the program we use for printing the edible images, we are usually in such a hurry that we really don’t have time to check, and if we do the customers yell at us for bothering them."
Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Just one, but it will take a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change." -------- Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb....
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandra Re: Start Up program list Dear Webby, I was just wondering, do you think I should run that Registry Booster and see if it makes my start up and running faster? PS How do I change some of the programs from starting up automatically and sitting by my clock? Sandra Dear Sandra Yes, that Registry Booster does work very well. I run it every time I reboot. To control the programs that start up automatically, click on START, RUN and type in there: msconfig In there, click on Startup In typical Microsoft fashion for important tools, it is a rude and crude whip to send you to get a third party utility to handle that. On one end there is AutoRuns at http://technet.microsoft.com/en-ca/sysi ... 63902.aspx that shows enough for an expert to make a career of. On the other end is StartUpCop-Pro from PC-Magazine. For $7 you can become a member and then download any of the PC-Magazine utilities for free. Have FUN! Dear Webby
's mother decided that should get something 'practical' for the birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. thought that was a fine idea. "It's your account", mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." was doing fine until the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, put down 'Piggy'.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Apply For Credit Too Often Don't apply for credit if you think you will be denied. Don't try to apply for credit cards too frequently. Submitting too many credit applications in a short period of time can lower your credit score and make it more difficult to get credit when you really need it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Jason was having a tough day and had stretched himself out on the couch to do a bit of what he thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. He moaned to his wife, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" His wife, busily occupied with other things, hardly looked up at and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Jason. Can't be everybody. Some people don't know you."Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wetlands PhotosARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blogIf you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Well, , that's all for today.
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