Dear Webby: How do I start automatic updates? 

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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 20, 2009

It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art. --- Oscar Wilde Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities. --- Aldous Huxley People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. --- Socratex Man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink. --- Confucius
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. A passenger asks the captain, "Who is that man, and why is he so upset?" "I've no idea," the captain says, "but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where Sue was spending her vacation, but she finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There she saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. She walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. "I've been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color," he said. "And I'm going to get color - even if it's blue."
A couple of Redneck hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what do I do next?"
Thanks to dad for this picture: This is the same Notalsofia in better lighting.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jason Nesbitt of Vero beach, Florida No espect for beer VERO BEACH, FL -- Vero Beach police say Jason Nesbitt was pointed out by a police officer responding to a domestic battery call on Monday. When Cpl. Oscar Dominquez arrived, he noticed that Nesbitt fit the description of an armed robber wanted in a Kwik Stop robbery from the week before. The girlfriend of the apparent armed robber was shown the surveillance video from Kwik Stop and she positively Identified the suspect as her boyfriend, Jason Nesbitt. Police say the Kwik Stop store at 1401 16th street was robbed on July 2nd at 10:30pm. A white male entered the store, grabbed a can of beer from a cooler then approached the cashier. The man appeared to be holding an object that looked like a firearm, according to police. The male then instructed the cashier to give him all of the money. The suspect was handed the cash and exited the store, riding away on a bicycle, leaving behind his beer can at the counter. Jason Nesbitt's fingerprints matched with the fingerprints lifted from the can of beer left at the scene by the suspect. On Tuesday, Det. Charles Moran charged Jason Nesbitt with robbery of the Kwik Stop store. Jason Nesbitt is currently being held in the Indian River County Jail on assault, battery, and robbery charges.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: How do I do automatic updating Dear Webby; Thanks for the beautiful cactus pic today. Your dad some has some pretty ones. I loved the jokes today too. Especailly the one about the pastor & mayor & dead mule. Our church is in a rual area & one of our members is the mayor of the small town our church is in so of course I dahd to forward it on to him. As to your tech dept today- how to I get to miocrosoft updating? I tried before but got confused & didn't want to take the chance of getting things I don't want. Like IE7 or 8 & the sp 2 & 3 pks. I have Windows xp- sp pk1. Thanks so much for all the fun & wonderful pc tips. Have a purrfect day, Sharon Dear Sharon XP-SP2 is OK SP3 will probably ruin your machine. To turn on Automatic Updates in Windows XP (SP2) Click Start, and then click Control Panel. Click Automatic Updates. Choose Automatic (recommended). Then in there, select Notify me but don't automatically download or install files. That gives you a chance to veto stuff that you don't want. Have FUN! DearWebby
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true ! I do so enjoy sex !" Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this blimey bloke expects it four or five times a year !"

Daily tip from Bring an Empty Water Bottle Through Airport Security Since we are not allowed to bring liquids on the plane, when I travel I carry an empty water bottle. After passing through security I fill the bottle with water from the fountain. Then I have water to drink on the plane. By Walter from Chapel Hill, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

A farmer named O'Rourke lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on... After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so O'Rourke went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Michael replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." O'Rourke said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Michael: "Now, now... why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic!"
Brother Smith called his bishop and said: "I know today is General Conference but, the 49'ers are in the playoffs. Bishop I am a long- time fan. I've got to watch the 49'ers game on TV." The bishop responds: Brother, that's what VCR's are for." Brother Smith is surprised. "You mean I can tape General Conference?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Snowed under
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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