Dear Webby: MSN Messenger won't stay off 

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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  August 14, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper." --- Scottish Proverb "He who seeks a friend without fault remains without." --- Old Turkish Proverb
Thanks to Cookie for this story: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible Motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from every man in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around and through it in places to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with obvious relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Tom. The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to thank and also explain to my wife again that the word is Sternum."
The groom to be said to his fiancee, "Three-thousand eight-hundred dollars for a dress that's only going to be worn once?!" "Who says it's only going to be worn once?" "Oh? You're planning to get married again? You know you can't wear white the second time!" "No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom." "I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress." "Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!" "Okay, then why don't you wear hers?" "Who wants to get married in that old thing?"
Thanks to Sue for this shot of a baby hummingbird
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me terribly this morning on the telephone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to the pharmacy to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it." "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting in line. One little old lady thought I ws trying to get ahead of her in the line and smashed my glasses with her umbrella. I finally got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and so, while I was sitting on the floor in a puddle of perfume and broken glass , I answered it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory Powell, 45 of Fort Myers, Florida Sent in by Sandie Patient assaulta doctor Dr. Paul Arnold turned his back for a moment on a patient who was upset because the doctor wouldn't write him a prescription. That's when the patient, Gregory S. Powell, 45, of Fort Myers, allegedly attacked Arnold, 65, biting off part of one of the doctor's fingers. "The doctor just turned his back on him for a moment to do something on the computer and he was viciously attacked," said Sgt. Lisa Barnes, Cape Coral police spokeswoman. Detectives are searching for Powell. They have an arrest warrant charging him with aggravated battery on a person age 65 or older. That charges carries a maximum 30-year prison sentence. The attack was reported by the doctor's staff Wednesday morning at Arnold's office on Cape Coral Parkway. Arnold, who has 29 years of experience, practices family and emergency medicine. Officer Saturino Perez said that, when he arrived, paramedics already were treating Arnold, who was taken to Cape Coral Hospital's emergency room and later released. The doctor said that Powell became "upset about not receiving a certain prescription medication," Barnes said. Powell then "proceeded to bite Doctor Arnold several times, including a bite that actually removed a piece of a finger, including the finger nail," Perez said. Arnold's staff said he is expected back in his office today. Sheriff's deputies were sent to Powell's home at 4833 East River Drive in Fort Myers, but he wasn't there, Barnes said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: MSN and Norton Dear Webby; I hope you are having a grand day. You sure do brighten my day with your great Humor letter. Thanks so much. I am curious about a couple of things- 1) I opened "control panel' to check on the auto updates for windows. In there I came across a icon for Symantec Live Update". I thought Symantec was part of Norton Antivirus. At one time many years ago I did have Norton but have uninstalled it a long time ago & now have Avast. Is Symantec part of Norton? I did a search on Norton but it showed no files for that. 2) I have gone to the startup menu & disabled all the ones I do not think are necessary but my Msn messenger will not stay unchecked. Every time I restart my pc it is checked again. I have even gone to the messenger page to make sure it should not auto sign me in. Is there someway to keep it unchecked or should I contact msn about this. I really do appreciate your advice. Have a purrfect day Sharon Dear Sharon Yes, Symantec and Norton are the same, just trying to fool their victims with a different name. The program is not really bad, but I loathe anything that does not allow you to completely and cleanly uninstall it. Just use the Norton Remover from my toolbox at Re MSN: Microsoft says: How can I stop MSN Messenger from starting automatically Click the Tools menu, and then click Options. In the left pane, click General. Under Sign In, clear the Automatically run Messenger when I log on to Windows check box. Click OK. Sometimes that works the way they claim it theoretically should. With MSN messenger, be extremely careful if you use it at a friend's place or cyber cafe. It likes doing it's Lazarus act and rise from the dead after you are gone. Always change your password immediately after using MSN messenger on a strange machine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Roland for this one: I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
Daily tip from Recycle Waste Water in Your Garden A great tip for water drought areas. When taking a bath, save the water! Plants love the soap to kill off insects and salts for the nutritional value. We drink tea, soft drinks, milk, etc. and save those containers. After your bath, emptying your kids pool, after boiling potatoes, corn, eggs etc. let the water cool down. Then water your plants. I will get about 12 gallons from one bath. Why let it go down the drain? Use it on your flowers or veggies. Reuse your dishpan water also. When you get in the habit of doing this you would be amazed on how much would have gone to waste down the drain. By Doreen from Bartow, FL If you divert your grey water into your rain barrel, try to use it up every day and keep it covered. It attracts bugs and can get quite smelly. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. Assisted by the cab driver, she gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Super Moms
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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