Filtering auto-replies 

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It's Thursday,  November 19, 2009

"Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language." --- Gail Godwin When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane. --- Hermann Hesse
The drunk was brought into night court, having been picked up on suspicion of being the notorious night prowler. "What were you doing out at 3 A.M.?" the judge sternly queried. "I was going to a lecture." "A lecture at 3 A.M.?" The judge was scornful. "Oh, schure," said the drunk. "Schometimes my wife schtarts 'em even later than that."
New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a check. The mugger said dumbfounded, "A Check ? Why would I take a check from you ? I don't even know you !"
was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when the CEO was standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said. turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Thanks to my dad for this picture: I climbed that mountain, the Zimba, half a dozen times as a teen and have many fond memories. Nowadays, that cute trackmobile in the foreground looks like almost more fun.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Holyoak, 33, of Whitefield, Manchester, England Too distinctive looking for crime A big-eared bank raider nicknamed Shrek is behind bars today after being warned he is 'too ugly' to commit crime. Unfortunate David Holyoak, 33, has rather distinctive looks and his features make it easy for police to get his description and locate him. As Holyoak, of Whitefield, Manchester, began a three-and-a-half year jail sentence for robbery yesterday, one officer said: 'This man only needs to look at himself in the mirror to realise crime is not for him. 'With his big ears and rotund features he stands out a mile, and the officers have no trouble spotting him. He must be a total liability when he is part of a gang. 'He has already been dubbed Shrek and must be one of the ugliest robbers in the country.' Holyoak was part of a gang who robbed a Halifax bank near Preston and threatened the cashier with a sledgehammer. They smashed a glass security window, climbed the counter and stole cash. But it was elementary for police to identify Holyoak as one of the robbers, after they got a clear eyewitness description of him ... and his ears. However, before they arrested him, Holyoak struck again when a security guard delivered cash to a post office in Bury. As the guard walked in, a car pulled up outside and Holyoak and his accomplices got out, carrying a weapon and wearing masks. The driver of a police surveillance car, following the armoured van, saw the men run inside and radioed the guard to warn him of their attack. The robbers stole the cash box and ran to a getaway car. It roared out of a side street but ploughed straight into a tree. The robbers leapt out and fled but Holyoak, and two accomplices, were found hiding in a garden. Holyoak, described as a 'dangerous individual,' pleaded guilty at Bolton Crown Court with three others to robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fran Re: Filter autoresponders Dear Webby I am sick and tired of people using autoresponders to tell me that they have received my mail but won't answer it until whatever. When I reply to somebody, I do it from my home computer, and I know the silly dingbats won't be in their office to abuse their company computer until the next morning, so I definitely don't need their driveling autoresponder telling me that, and pretending to be legitimate mail. I can't block the sender addresses, because I do have to correspond with them. I am sure you get a ton of the same crap when the Dear Webby Humor Letter arrives at night. How do you deal with that? Thanks Fran Dear Fran Yes, I too get a lot of that, but I never see it. MailWasher deletes that on the server, unseen by anybody. To filter that type of stuff I made a filter for that many years ago. If the entire header contains RegExpr"automatic|auto-reply|out of the office" then automatically (without warning or notification) delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. If you select contains RegExpr, you can add a whole bunch of trigger words or phrases, separated by a pipe | Instead of murdering those emails unseen in the dark on the server, you can initially just tell it to mark them for deleting, while you fine tune your filter. Have FUN! DearWebby
Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, "Benny! Benny, what happened?!" "Madam, please don't get hysterical," said the lifeguard. "I'm just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he'll be fine." "What!" Mrs. Cohen yelled. "My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing."
Daily tip from Use Your Crockpot for Stuffing Prepare your favorite stuffing and bake it in your crockpot while the turkey occupies the oven. You can prep this the day before and refrigerate, it is so much easier than stuffing it into the turkey, the turkey will cook faster, food poisoning risk is decreased and the stuffing doesn't absorb all the extra fat dripping from the turkey. By Linda Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "I'm sorry, your Honor," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing all by yourself."

Mac & Cheese
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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