What is the best word processor?
Saturday, December 5, 2009, 03:12 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 5, 2009
When I was a kid, living in the mountains of Austria, this was the
day when St Nicolas came by, accompanied by a scary devil.
It struck me as a bit incongruous that they showed up in a beat
up old Volkswagen Beetle, but the roar of the big huge devil
quickly had me quaking in my socks, and when one smite of
St Nicolas's bishop's staff made the devil cringe and whimper,
I was duly impressed!
However, when St Nicholas started reading the long list of
my sins, the devil cheered up and eagerly rattled his chains.
He did hit and cuff me around a bit, but kindly St Nicholas
stopped him, before things got out of hand.
After a solemn promise to improve my behavior, they made me
stand outside the front door, while they did their number on
my sister.
She was still sniffling when dad called me inside again.
This time St Nicolas was really beaming and he mentioned
a few token good things I had done. Then he pulled a nicely
decorated pillow case from under his robe and started
dispensing glazed gingerbread, cookies, pear-bread, a chocolate
and an orange. For a mountain kid in post-war Austria, that
was eye popping STUFF!
I barely noticed when Dad escorted them out and handed them
the bottle of the medicinal Schnaps from the pantry. St Nicolas
and the devil took a good swig from the bottle and an envelope
dad gave them, and roared away in their old Volkswage Beetle.
At the time it all made sense, and was truly impressive.
As the fear of the devil waned, it was replaced with the threat
of being sent to Jagdberg, a juvenile jail / reform school, in
a scary looking old castle with skyhigh walls.
Then in University, a professor asked for a volunteer to be
Santa at Jagdberg, staring straight at me.
Duh, yeah, OK, if nobody else ....
They couldn't find a devil, so I had to go alone.
They gave me the suit and wig and beard, and the directions.
That was the year when Santa showed up on a motorcycle.
The staff there noticed my nervousness, so they gave me some
medicinal Schnaps first, and a few basic instructions.
After the first class they gave me more Schnaps and a few
hints with the stack of papers, one per inmate for the next class.
Then I got into the swing of things, roared like the devil of my
childhood when reading a student's misbehaviors, and smiled
like a proud grandpa, when praising them for their
accomplishments.
Around midnight I had finished with all the inmates, and kinda
faked it with the staff. (I didn't have any good/bad lists for the
staff and had to make them up.)
Then they gave me a sandwich and a big mug of coffee for my
parched throat and ushered me out.
Still in the Santa Suit I hopped on my bike and roared homewards,
well, to my girlfriend's place anyway, and just as the sky turned
light in the East, I did make it home. I briefly paused at the entrance,
where I had seen my first Santa. Life had come full circle.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
it is regret for the things we did not do that is
inconsolable."
--- Sydney J. Harris
One day, Jean-Claude decided to take a trip from
Montreal (where he lived) to that great city of
Boston.. He went to the airport to buy a ticket and
found out the cost was $200 one-way.
Well Jean-Claude only had $110 on him. But he saw a
sign saying half-fare for persons under 18. Well, now
Jean-Claude had just turned 18 three months ago so he
lied..a bit. And got a ticket for $100.
Well during the flight, he talking with the passenger
seated next to him. And, in the course of their little
chat, he boisterously mentioned the 18th birthday party
his friends had for him. Since Jean-Claude talked
fairly loudly, a stewardess happened to over-hear
that part of the conversation and remembered from the
passenger list that Jean-Claude had only paid
half-fare. A few minutes later, the stewardess asked
Jean-Claude if he had $50 with him.
Jean-Claude, slightly embarrassed, replied, "I only
have $10, enough for a bus and a coffee after we arrive
in Boston.. Why you ask?"
Stewardess:"I wanted to know if you wanted to buy this
used parachute."
Jean-Claude, "What for?"
Stewardess, "You only paid half-fare and you're over
18. We are half-way on our flight and you have to leave
now."
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally
it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The
woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened?
Did we catch up with the cow again..?"
-------
Yeah, I remember that train. It had little porches at
each end of the wagons and signs posted: "Picking
flowers while the train is in motion is not
permitted." Seems the locomotive engineer got
annoyed when the flower pickers passed the train.
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture by his nephew Greg
Twin Lakes Colorado
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Marilyn Cole, 35, and Rashieka Stewart, 23, of Muskegon, Michigan
Thief arrested for headbutting, urinating on Wal-Mart
security guard
MUSKEGON COUNTY — Marilyn Cole, of Muskegon, faces trial on
charges of stealing goods from a local Wal-Mart store, then
head-butting and urinating on a security guard.
Cole, 35, waived her probable-cause hearing on charges of
unlawful imprisonment, unarmed robbery and interfering with
a crime report. The hearing had been scheduled for Tuesday.
Her accomplice, Rashieka Stewart, 23, of Muskegon earlier
waived her probable-cause hearing and faces trial on one
count of unarmed robbery.
According to Roosevelt Park Police Chief Bill Regan, the women
tried to steal merchandise, including make-up and curtains, from
the Henry Street Wal-Mart on Halloween night.
Regan said the women broke away from a security guard who tried
to detain them at the front door. The security guard ran after them
and tried to block Cole from getting into the passenger’s seat of the
car in which she and Stewart were preparing to flee.
Regan said Cole “head-butted” the security guard, who fell
backwards into the vehicle. The chief said Cole then sat on the
man. He grabbed his phone and called 911, but Cole allegedly
fought for the phone and then urinated on him.
Stewart drove away with the security guard still in the vehicle
and Cole holding him down, according to the chief.
The incident ended when the women stopped in the parking
lot of Acme Bedding Co., 660 W. Broadway, where authorities,
still on the phone with the security guard, arrested Stewart and Cole.
Marylin Cole
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Erin
Re: Best Word Processor
Dear Webby:
What IS the best word processor out there?
Erin
Thanks again.
Rosalie
Dear Erin
If somebody has been using WordPerfect for twenty years,
then Corel Office Word Perfect is the best word processor
for them. If somebody has been using Microsoft WORD for
fifteen years, then that program is the best for them.
If you have hundreds or thousands of employees, or half a
dozen, for whom you have to buy a word processor, then
Open Office Writer is the best for you, because it is free and
because it uses the Worldwide Open Standard.
The actual performance differences are negligible and change
with every update. WordPerfect and WORD have been battling
it out with nitpicking little differences that are generally ignored
except by computer magazine testers, who have never bought
a program in their life. Currently Open Office is slightly
ahead in usability and useful features, but that can change any
moment. For example, just today there was an update for
Corel Office. I haven't noticed any changes in the stuff I actually
use, but I am sure bored magazine testers will find what is new
and will write plenty about it in 3-4 months.
The actual usage differences between the Big Three are small,
as long as you are not trying to save a document as a web page.
Open Office does that way best and produces nice and clean
HTML, that can be easily updated. If you try that with MS WORD,
you wind up with an awful mess and get told to scribble it on
a used napkin next time, or to pick up the MS WORD doc with
Open Office Writer and save it as a web page from there.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted
to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took
pity on him and gave the lad a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We
use it to catch cows."
"I see," said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as
he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for
bait?"
(City Slickers Beware! Cows love chasing and scaring you!)
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Put Ads at the Bottom of the Garbage Can
Ever wonder what to do with all the paper advertisements and
leftover grocery ads that you always end up throwing away?
Here's something my mother has passed along to me. Fold
them up and fit them into the bottom of your garbage cans
throughout the house. You may need to fiddle around with it
a little bit to make sure it's sitting on the bottom snugly, edges
may stick up but that's OK.
The paper ads on the bottom will soak up any liquids that may
drip through your bags. This saves on time and hassle in
cleaning your garbage can. Especially handy for the kitchen
garbage as raw meat juices or liquids inevitably seep through.
By Pookster
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The other night, Joe and his wife were going out for
dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow,
eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush, lipstick,
and a dozen other mysterious concoctions, and
then asked: "Does this look natural?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
It was little Michael's first visit to the country,
and feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of a
peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors
excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in
bloom!"
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Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Printmaster versus MS WORD
Friday, December 4, 2009, 03:40 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 4, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
When my kids become wild and unruly,
I use a nice safe playpen.
When they're finished, I climb out.
--- Erma Bombeck
Any child who is anxious to mow the lawn
is too young to do so.
--- Bob Phillips
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger
noticed a sign saying:
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!
posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed an old
hound dog sound asleep on the floor half way between
the door and the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to
me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that
sign, people kept tripping over him and bashing their
teeth out on the counter."
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby
pay phone. "I know it's something you want,"
he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are
a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing.
As long as you're living in my house, I think you
should respect my wishes."
I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly
firmness.
Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Ma,
you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo and a
nose ring!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Adam Bauer, 19, Lacrosse, Wisconsin
Too dumb to drink
University of Wisconsin-La Crosse student Adam Bauer has
nearly 400 friends on Facebook. He got an offer for a new one
about a month ago. “She was a good-looking girl. I usually
don’t accept friends I don’t know, but I randomly accepted
this one for some reason,” the 19-year-old said.
He thinks that led to his invitation to come down to the
La Crosse police station, where an officer laid out photos
from Facebook of Bauer holding a beer — and then
ticketed him for underage drinking.
The police report said Bauer admitted drinking, which he
denies. But he did plead no contest in municipal court
Wednesday and will pay a $227 fine.
He was among at least eight people who said Wednesday
they had been cited for underage drinking based on photos
on social networking sites.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosalie
Re: Printmaster versus MS WORD
Dear Webby:
I look forward to receiving you Humor Letter each morning;
you start my day with a smile. Thanks much.
You have always answered my questions for me -
What is the difference between using Microsoft Word and
Print Master? A friend asked me for help about a question in
Print Master. I have never used this program as I have always
used Microsoft Word both at work and now at home. Is Print
Master program new as I never heard it before.
Thanks again.
Rosalie
Dear Rosalie
Printmaster is a very basic word processor with some simple
graphics editing tools thrown in, all at about the level of
Microsoft Works, if you remember history. Printmaster is
popular and well known on the Mac side, but relatively unknown
on the Windows and Linux side. It costs $40, but there are a
few pirated clones available free.
MS WORD is a heavy duty word processor in the same class
as Open Office Writer or Corel Office WordPerfect, and the
same as those other two, made for professional word processing
all day, and the occasional, rare bit of graphics when the boss
isn't watching.
There are no similarities in usage between Printmaster and the
three professional word processors. What works in your word
processor, probably does not work or is done differently in
Printmaster, and vice versa.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
An employment interviewer for a big company in New
York was talking to an attractive young woman applying
for a job. Looking over the application form, the
interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one
important question concerning transportation to and
from work. "What about your bus line?" the
interviewer asked her.
"I don't think I mentioned it," came the pleased
reply, "but it's a 38D."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Discounted Banking Services For Seniors
For senior citizens, check with your bank to see if they have any
special services for seniors. I questioned some things on a bank
statement regarding a debit payment that I did not authorize.
In the process I asked about another item from when I had
ordered new checks because the amount was wrong from
what I had. The employee said why order checks as I had
been doing when I could get new checks through the bank
for free. Granted they don't have special pictures on them,
but at my age, I don't need special pictures. She also said
with this type of account, if I used an 'out of system' ATM,
I would get the charge for that system, but I would not get
a charge from my bank, too, as I previously did. Saving
even the little amounts add up over time. By the way, I
bank at National City. Check with your bank to see what
services they have for seniors.
By Linda from Bloomington,IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The basketball coach stormed into the university
President's office and demanded a raise right then and
there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you
already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put
up with," the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an
example."
The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock
who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my
office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out
of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President,
scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A minister was planning a wedding at the close
of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the
couple down to be married for a brief ceremony
before the congregation. For the life of him, he
couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married. So he simply asked:
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?"
Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows,
tree widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal
wedding gown stepped to the front.
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Can you scan for viruses/malware from DOS?
Thursday, December 3, 2009, 02:18 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 3, 2009
The big rewards come to those who travel
the second, undemanded mile.
--- Bruce Barton
Everyone has a right to a university degree in America,
even if it's in Hamburger Technology.
--- Clive James
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to play with them. They decided it was
because they had not been baptized and didn't go to
Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church.
But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to
be baptized because no one will come out and play with
us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the
bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one
at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they
pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they
dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they
just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"I think that means we're Pisscopalians."
ordered a cup of coffee with no cream at the
corner restaurant.
The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, you'll have to have
it with no milk because we're out of cream."
Thanks to Robert for this picture:
Dear Webby,
It's been a nice sunrise and sunset week.
Here is a neat sunset in Reno, Nevada.
Take Care
Robert
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the Arizona State University School of Journalism
Reporters resent being confronted with facts
Hecklers in the audience broke into a loudly sung version of
"Bohemian Rhapsody" and forced a high-profile Arizona sheriff
to abandon a First Amendment forum sponsored by Arizona State
University's journalism school. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio
was asked by a panel of journalists Monday night to explain his
relationship with the media, his various law enforcement policies
and whether his office conducts racial profiling. Arpaio told
the panel that his office is an "equal opportunity law enforcement
agency" that will arrest anyone who violates the law.
Later in the interview at ASU's Walter Cronkite School of
Journalism and Mass Communication, protesters began singing
a version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and chanting as Arpaio
was asked about a federal investigation and his policies on
illegal immigration.
When ASU journalism school staff refused to restore order,
the sheriff told the panel the childish behavior was "ridiculous"
and he left the stage.
Seems their minds were made up and they resented anybody
trying to confuse them with facts.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Eddie
Re: Can you scan for viruses/malware from DOS?
Dear Webby
Just wnat to know if you know a way to scan for viruses/malware
in CMD? ---- And do you need any additional software?
Eddie
Dear Eddie
Yes, sure you can run McAfee from DOS.
Just reboot into safe mode with command prompt
and run McAfee from there.
More info is at http://snipurl.com/tj9lp
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A grandmother overheard her five-year-old granddaughter
playing "wedding."
The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say
will be turned around and used against you, you have
the right to have an attorney present. You can't kiss the
bride today, because she has a headache."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dog House for Firewood Storage
Re-purpose your Igloo Shaped Dog house for storing some
firewood. Our dog refused to use the Dog-Loo we bought her
years ago. I got the idea to store a stash of firewood in it to
keep it dry and easily accessible by our back door. Our
woodpile is located in the far end of our yard, which is
exposed to the elements. So having some dry wood stored
in the 'dog house', keeps it available for when my husband
gets the urge to use the fireplace. He also uses the dry
wood for his smoker grill. I see the dog-loo's at Garage Sales
and on the roadside for trash pickup, and it seemed they
would be handy for other uses.
By Mary C. from Orange Park, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes
towards leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My
husband is a Movie Producer and he calls them
'reruns'."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a
Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady.
"My husband is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A dog thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me . . . They must be Gods!
A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me . . . I must be a God!
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( 2.9 / 47 )
Is there a fix for a dead mouse?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009, 03:51 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 2, 2009
"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."
--- Saint Augustine (354-430)
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition
that's troublesome."
--- Isaac Asimov
The software engineering field is staffed
primarily by men; the ratio of male to female
software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1.
This makes it pretty easy for women to find
potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned
reputation for being, well, a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the
software industry, one woman commented to another:
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking
out children's books by writing the names of
borrowers on the book cards herself, she would
have the youngsters sign their own names. She
would then tell them they were signing a
"Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked
surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four
books to the desk and shoved them across to the
Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him
to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his
name on each book card and then handed them to her
with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech
he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had, was
a lot smarter. She learned how to write herself!"
Thanks to Mike for this picture:
This is the sun rise at my house here in Nevada
I live 17 miles east of Carson City.
Mike
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jochen Naumann, 37 of Leipzig, Germany
German tourist made false bomb threat at Disney World
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- A German tourist has been arrested on
charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World.
A report from the Orange County Sheriff's Office says 37-year-old
Jochen Naumann of Leipzig, Germany, was going through the security
checkpoint at the entrance of the Magic Kingdom Sunday when he told
a Disney employee he had two bombs in his back pack.
The report says the Disney employee questioned Naumann and he
repeated the threat.
A sheriff's deputy had a bomb-sniffing dog check Naumann's bag
and no explosive devices were found.
The report says Naumann claimed he was only joking. He was
arrested on a charge of making a false report of a bomb and
taken to the Orange County Jail.
Jail records show bond was set at $10,000.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jai
Re: Is there a fix for a dead mouse?
Dear Webby
My mouse quit working. Is there a fix or is it dead forever?
Thanks,
Jai
Dear Jai
All mice do eventually die, usually after the warranty expires.
If it is just the cord, and the mouse lights up when you mess
with the cord, it can be replaced easily, if one has a bunch
of dead mice to salvage cords from. Sometimes you can
just shorten the cord. It usually goes bad in the first few
inches from the mouse.
But if that is not the case, about all you can do is replace it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised!
But when Old McDonald had a farm,
The doctor nearly died.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Maps as Wrapping Paper
This wrapping paper idea came from one of my friends years
ago. Use outdated atlases and maps for colorful, cool-looking,
and good quality wrapping paper. I use mostly for birthday
gifts, but cut out a silhouette of Santa in his sleigh and/or
reindeers and attach for Christmas gifts. If you like this
idea but don't have any maps to use, pick up some free
ones at travel and visitor's centers the next time you are
traveling.
By Britt from Boston, MA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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THINK OUTSIDE YOUR BOX
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you
continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no
trouble coming up with his answer.
THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN. THINK THINK THINK
WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend,
and let him warm up while taking the old lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of
my dreams."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see
the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of
the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without
paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the
ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter.
England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
The other two saw this and are amazed. The Scotsman saw a manhole.
He picked up the cover, carried it under his arm to the entrance and
said, "Mc Gregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman was very frantic, since both his friends were inside.
He walked around the stadium and found a roll of barbed wire.
He picked it up, walked to the entrance and said, "Murphy.
Ireland. Fencing."
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( 2.9 / 42 )
UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure virus
Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 03:24 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
--- Oscar Wilde
A life spent making mistakes is not only
more honorable, but more useful
than a life spent doing nothing.
--- George Bernard Shaw
Bulletin Board Bloopers:
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with any
church.
---------------------------
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
---------------------------
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the
delight of the audience.
---------------------------
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing
services will be discontinued until further notice.
---------------------------
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great
success. Special thanks are due to the minister's
daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a
motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding
ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of
them you get to buy yourself a bicycle."
Thanks to Dani for this picture:
Sunrise from our kitchen window 11 30 09.
Dani
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Frater Osiris Xnoubis in Eastbourne, England
Goth robber jailed for bizarre bank job
1:20pm Saturday 28th November 2009
A goth robber held up a bank but then gave away all the money
he had stolen.
Frater Osiris Xnoubis was dressed from head to foot in black
leather when he carried out the bizarre robbery.
He handed a note to terrified cashier Laura Sulling telling
her he was armed and demanded she hand over the cash
in her till.
Xnoubis, a Pagan worshipper, stuffed Ł6,570 into a bag
and told her to “have a nice day” before calmly walking
out of the HSBC branch in Terminus Road, Eastbourne.
He walked a few yards to The Gildridge pub where he handed
barmaid Gemma Clark a Ł20 note for a bottle of beer and told
her to keep the change.
After downing his drink he left and went to nearby Harrisons
sandwich bar.
He handed the bag of cash to astonished owner Clive Benneys,
who was also his landlord, saying: “You are good people, help
yourselves.”
Xnoubis left the shop and promptly went to the police station in
Grove Road where he confessed to the robbery.
At Hove Crown court yesterday, Xnoubis, of Glynde Road,
Eastbourne, was jailed for three-and-a-half years after
pleading guilty to robbery.
Justin Rivett, defending, said Xnoubis had a knife hidden
on him during the robbery but did not show it to bank staff.
He said a psychiatric report confirmed Xnoubis was suffering
from depression but was not mentally ill.
------------
Can't say the same for whoever wrote that psychiatric report,
or the British reporter, who does not know the difference between
Pagan worshippers and Goth fans.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Roland
Re: UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure virus
Dear Webby
The newest virus circulating is
The UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure.
Any truth to this one? If so hope my McAfee will catch it.
Cheers,
Roland
Dear Roland
That virus is not attached to the email.
You get it, if you are silly enough to click on a link in that email.
If you ARE concerned about a UPS/FedEx/DHL parcel,
call their 1-800 number or check on their web site,
but don't open any email from them, unless you have
MailWasher and see the actual URL hidden under the link.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A number of children from the neighborhood were
invited to Mrs. Johnson's for dinner. She decided to do
something different while serving the meal.
"Where are you originally from?" she asked one child.
"California," said the boy.
"Well then, I will give you the left wing."
She turned to another boy and asked, "Where are
YOU from?"
"New York," he answered.
And she said, "You get the right wing."
She turned to the third boy and asked, "Where are
you from?"
He said, "I'm from Florida and I'm not hungry!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Your Freezer Full
Being single, I don't have my freezer full of food all the
time. Keeping your freezer full saves money on your
electric bill. I now keep empty spaces full by filling
milk jugs with water. I also have clean fresh water on
hand at all times in case of an emergency.
By April from Buffalo, NY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda
notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her,
"Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and
life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him
he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she
could see it from the bedroom window. But he said
that he hadn't been in the shed that day.
He looked himself, and there were people in the
shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one
was in his area, so no one was available to catch
the thieves.
He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the
police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed? Well, you don't
have to worry about them now, I've just shot
them." And hung up.
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police
cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the
works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policeman said to this man:
"I thought you said you'd shot them!"
"Must have missed."
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( 3 / 57 )
Monday, November 30, 2009, 04:11 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, November 30, 2009
"Great things are not accomplished by those
who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion."
--- Charles Kuralt
"Defeat doesn't finish a man -- quit does. A man is
not finished when he's defeated.
He's finished when he quits."
--- Richard Nixon
"There are victories of the soul and spirit.
Sometimes, even if you lose, you win."
--- Elie Wiesel
When I consider how sweaters tend to make me
sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker.
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom
scales on display at the department store.
"What is it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think it tells
you when somebody messed up. When mom when
stands on it, she gets more upset than when my
sister brings her report card home."
From my office window Nov 29
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Robert McCray, 37 in Dade City, Florida
Deodorant thief goes back to jail
DADE CITY — His nickname is Priest and he had a $40 drug debt
to pay off. So on Thursday afternoon, Robert McCray — a 37-year-old
felon with "Thug Life" tattooed on his chest — headed into a CVS
Pharmacy on U.S. 301, according to the Dade City Police
Department.
He needed something to barter off his debt. Authorities say McCray
chose deodorant. He stuffed 19 packages of antiperspirant
— $84 worth — inside his jacket and tried to head outside, the
police report said.
Store employees noticed the stolen sticks and stopped McCray,
the report said. They told him to pay for them. He dropped four
packages on the ground, the report said, and tried to flee.
The employees weren't having it. They tried to hold him. He
fought. The employees won and detained him until police officers
arrived.
McCray told police he took the deodorant to pay back a friend
over a drug debt. The report said officers found a crack pipe
and small bag of crack cocaine on McCray.
A CVS manager declined to talk Friday about what happened,
so it is not known whether any employees were hurt. McCray
has a swollen, bruised eye in his mug shot.
McCray, of 38520 Wilson St. in Dade City, is charged with retail
theft, resisting a merchant, possession of crack cocaine and
possession of drug paraphernalia. He remained at the
Land O'Lakes jail Friday in lieu of $5,450 bail.
McCray has previously served six prison sentences for a total
of eight years on convictions for drugs, grand theft auto and
burglary.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Robert
Re: Mystery Ad
Dear Webby
who is betty sue and why is the message the same every day?
i'm very curious about this.
the part on the left that says
Dear Bubba
All is forgiven. I still love you. Please come back!
Ps. Congratulations on your lottery win!
Your Betty-Sue
Robert
Dear Robert
hat is just a goofy classified ad, or actually a place holder
for one. hat is just a goofy classified ad, or actually a place holder for one..
For just $50 a month, you can put YOUR ad there, for all the world to see.
In the spirit of Christmas, I'll reduce that to $40 per month for any
subscribers. And if your ad is funny enough, I'll sneak it in free for
a day or two,
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Customer: "I'd like an under the mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large
variety, $1.95 each.."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
Salesperson: "Hmmm, have you got one of those
new Windows 7 machines ?"
Customer: "Yes, it's a 17" !"
Salesperson: "Then you better get one of these
$29.95 mousepads"
Customer: "But, is it Microsoft approved ?"
Salesperson: "Well,...to be on the safe side, maybe
you should better get one of these bue ones for
$49.95."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making a Christmas Wreath for Nothing
Find a pine tree with branches close to the ground. Cut enough
branches for you to make a wreath. Make a circle base with
the branches and then build on with other branches. I used
twine to bind the wreath, you can use craft wire or even ribbon.
Break out your old Christmas decorations and decorate the
wreath any way you like.
By Jen from APO, AE
Make sure you get the branches from the forest, not from
anywhere in town. Dogs use the trees for pee-mail, and more
and more schools and public buildings spray their trees with
skunk oil, to deter unauthorized harvesting. Also avoid
boulevards or any town owned treed areas.
You can't smell it until the branches warm up inside the house,
but by then apparently it is too late.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife
recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help
her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the
morning!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Harold and Bob are out in the woods hunting,
when Bob falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Harold whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He
gasps to the operator, "My friend looks like he's dead!
What can I do?"
The police operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy. I can help...
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard...
Harold then says, "OK, now what next...?"
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( 3 / 58 )
Best free graphics program
Sunday, November 29, 2009, 05:12 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, November 29, 2009
Too many have dispensed with generosity
in order to practice charity.
--- Albert Camus
"Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?"
--- Frank Scully
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
--- Unknown
It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research
shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the
street, the gunman hits a boombox!
"Hey Bubba, what do you think about gun control?"
"A delicate lil woman like you, yall have to use
both hands, Betty-Sue"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
A Monarch on November 28 !
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Christopher Walker, 19, from Birmingham, England
Robbery across the street from home
Hapless crook Christopher Walker stole Ł25,000 before fleeing
to his nearby home.
Walker was was seen running into his own property opposite
the bank after attacking the guard with a stick outside Lloyds
Bank in Birmingham's Lea Village.
Birmingham Crown Court heard it was an incompetent spur of
the moment robbery.
Walker, 19, from Birmingham, was jailed for two and a half
years after admitting robbery on October 22.
"What makes this so serious is the significant amount of
money involved, the use of a disguise and the use of a
weapon to hit a security guard who is entitled to go about
his work without fear of attack," said Her Honour Judge
De Bertodano.
The court heard how Walker was caught by police within minutes
because he was seen running into his home after attacking
the cash-in-transit security guard with a stick.
He had just been made redundant from his job as a council
grass cutter and was short of cash.
Walker covered his face with a T-shirt, before picking up a
stick, which he used to strike the back of the guards knee
from behind.
All of the cash was recovered from the loft space of Walkers
next door neighbour which adjoined his house.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alissa
Re: Best free graphics program
Dear Webby
You mentioned that there are a lot of free graphics programs
available on the net. At the time I thought, that was rather lazy,
but was too busy to write then. So I am telling you now,
That was LAZY!
I need a free graphics program for an adult continuing education
program. What is the best among all the free ones?
By the way, it has to be able to run on older machines.
Alissa
Dear Alissa
The best of the free ones is definitely GIMP. You will find it every
bit as good and powerful as the $700-$1,000 Photoshop program,
All the options in it are a bit overwhelming, and I would
definitely advise to step through the tutorials. It is not as easy
to use as Paint Shop Pro, but there are tons of tutorials available.
There are entire web sites dedicated to just GIMP tutorials:
http://gimp-tutorials.net/
http://www.gimp-tutorials.com/
http://www.gimpguru.org/Tutorials/
![](http://www.gimpguru.org/images/DSCN4069-256x192.jpg")
You can download GIMP from http://www.gimp.org/downloads/
Unlike Photoshop and PaintShop Pro, the stars amongst the
for sale programs, GIMP runs fine on Windows, Linux and Mac,
even on older machines, and you don't have to learn a new program
just because of switching Operating Systems..
Have FUN!
DearWebby
My home church welcomes all denominations,
but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Storing Gift Wrap Under The Bed
I use an under the bed storage box for organizing my gift
wrapping. Along with all the wrapping paper (including
some I have recycled). I keep scissors and cellophane
tape, ribbons, sticky labels and card tags along with
birthday cards and a few left over Christmas cards.
By Monique from Somerset, U.K
If you don't have wheels on your under the bed storage drawer,
or if they are too small for the type of carpet that you got,
pick up some of the "Crazy Carpet" plastic sheets that the
kids leave lying around, or buy some. They are cheap.
Attach the sheets to the bottom of the drawer with little
brads or picture frame nails. Even the heaviest drawer will
slide on carpet as if it had ball bearing drawer rails.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came
over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive
please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26
cars please return to class."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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Two guys are driving through Texas when they get
pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up,
taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver
rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him
in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull
you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around
here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and
he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and
walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window.The passenger rolls his window down, and
the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road
you're gonna say, 'I wish that schmuck would've tried
that stuff with me!' "
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( 2.9 / 46 )
How do you clean Norton off a machine?
Saturday, November 28, 2009, 03:07 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, November 28, 2009
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up,
but a comedy in long-shot."
--- Charlie Chaplin
"Life is what happens while you are making other plans."
--- John Lennon
"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than
in bad company."
--- George Washington
A salesman from New York traveling in Kansas left his
snazzy rental car out in a hail storm. When the storm
was over he checked the car and found out it was
covered with small dents. He went to the local garage
and inquired how he could fix the problem himself.
The mechanic told him to blow on the tailpipe and the
dents would pop out again.
He took the car to the motel where he was staying,
parked it and proceeded to blow on the tailpipe.
A local came by and inquired what he was doing.
He explained that he was blowing on the tailpipe to
remove the dents.
The local responded,
"That's not gonna to work, not unless you roll up the
windows real tight first."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends,
a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and shovel for?"
one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong
an ear shattering whack with the shovel.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the
wall
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two fourty five in the
morning!"
He loved working on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy
about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you
have to spend the next hour or so wandering the streets
of lower Manhattan.
So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet
from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself
to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on
his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safely
on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly
to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?'
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have
waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to
dock."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to John Ford, 35, in Twinsburg, Ohio
Habitual burglar caught himself, again
TWINSBURG, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Ohio said they have video
footage of a bank robbery suspect eating the note he allegedly
used to demand money from a teller.
Twinsburg police said a dashboard mounted camera on a police
cruiser recorded John Ford, 35, eating a piece of paper while
officers searched his clothing for weapons Thursday, the
Akron (Ohio) Beacon-Journal reported.
"He grabbed it in his mouth, just like Pacman," Patrolman
Daniel Biada said. "He just ate it right there."
Police said they discovered a .38-caliber pistol and an
undisclosed amount of cash covered in red ink inside Ford's
vehicle.
Authorities said Ford walked into a FirstMerit branch in
Streetsboro Thursday and handed a teller a note demanding
money. He did not display the gun inside the bank, police said.
Police said they were investigating whether Ford was
connected to bank robberies in nearby Stow and Akron.
Eating the note is tampering with evidence and usually adds
a year of free room and board in jail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rheta
Re: How do you clean Norton off a machine?
Dear webby:
My daughter has a computer with Norton on it. And its out
of date now. I was telling her she could get red of Norton for
good. But I can't remember what to do anymore.
And here's a big one for you. my daughter and drand daughter
are taking some classes on line. but they need Microsoft Office.
they both have windows 7 now. all new computers comes with
Vista. and 7 in them.... ok my question is sence i still have
microsoft office. on about 30 3.5" disk's can she use them?
if not what do you sugest they use?
Rheta
Dear Rheta
Go to my Tool Box. and grab the Norton Remover.
It's way down, just above the IE7 blocker.
The smart people can still get XP computers. Just go in
through the Business entrance. XP computers are not subsidized
by Microsoft, and so, even though they are older, cost more
than the subsidized Windows 7 computers. But to slow down the
migration of Industry and Commerce to Linux, they ARE still
available.
Your old Microsoft Office can not be installed on those W7 machines,
partly because it is a paid for program and licensed for only
one machine, and partly because they don't have 3 1/2" floppy
drives.
Tell them they can use Open Office. It is free, and it can open
MS Word and other MS files, and even save them back into that
format, not just the Open Standard, that is used by Industry
and Commerce. Industry and commerce are not silly enough
to pay for Microsoft Office, when they can get a better
Office program for free.
There is a link to it in my Tool Box.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
An old farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked for the
price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back telling him to
look on page #346 of their catalog. He wrote another letter to the
company that said: "If you had not stopped sending me
catalogs, I would not need any toilet paper."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing Serving Bowls, Platters and Utensils
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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had been misbehaving and was sent to bed.
After a while emerged and informed mother
that had thought it over and then said a
prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to
help you about your misbehaving, He will help you."
"Oh, I don't need help with misbehavin' ", said
. "I asked Him to help me not to get
caught quite so much."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was
sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to
pray?"
One man stepped forward, "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us
put on our life jackets - we're one short."
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( 3 / 41 )
What is the difference between a virus and a worm?
Friday, November 27, 2009, 03:21 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, November 27, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic,
but one of them is paranoid
and the other one is out to get him.
--- Socratex
"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking
at girls and persuade themselves they have a better
idea."
--John Ciardi
"Modern Art" ? Isn't that an oxymoron like "Dry
Water", which, according to people in the military is
like "Military Intelligence" ?
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty
scarce."
--Mark Twain
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother
said to him,
"Now, Peter, I know you love Spot, but you're loving
him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked
you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd
think it was my birthday and Aunt Edna was here!"
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use
the Internet for research and it's been very helpful."
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell
history papers on that topic!"
A lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
While she was waiting for her date, she wanted to make
sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in
her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she
accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter
walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced,
knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to
the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says
"Sure lady, which way did you fire it ?"
Thanks to Frank for this pretty angel.
He wants you to pass her on!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Randy Eugene Cliett in Haines City, Florida
Habitual burglar caught himself, again
Randy Eugent Cliett was extracted from the ventilation system
at the supermarket in Haines City this morning — five years after
he was convicted of breaking into the same business.
Screams coming from the roof of La Placita Mexico Supermarket
early Tuesday meant Randy Eugene Cliett got stuck in another
jam at the popular Polk County grocery.
A veteran Polk County burglar, Cliett spent Monday night trapped
in a rooftop air shaft at the same 10th Street market where he
got busted for burglary in 2004, according to acting Haines City
Pollice Chief Chief Sammy L. Taylor.
"He really had no concept of time. He wasn't sure when it happened,"
Taylor said.
Convicted on 14 of his 16 arrests for burglary, drugs and domestic
violence since 1990, Cliett finished serving his fifth stretch in state
prison less than two months ago. That five-year sentence was for
breaking into the same supermarket at which he was discovered
Tuesday, police, court and prison records show.
The first officers to reach the roof found Cliett wedged feet first inside
the narrow air shaft with his arms above his head.
Haines City firefighter grabbed his hands and pulled him to the roof,
Taylor said. Police charged him with burglary of an unoccupied structure,
causing more than $1,000 of damage, possession of burglary tools
and felony criminal mischief.
Cliett was booked into the Polk County Jail, again..
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sharon
Re: What is the difference between a virus and a worm?
Dear Webby,
Thanks for the nice Thanksgivng pumpkin & the beautiful
fall treee. All of our leaves are gone now. they came early
& were gone early too.
I was wondering what the difference is between adware,
malware & worms. Are any of them seroious threats? I have
the free avast program & several times is sends up a block
say something has been blocked. I think some of them are
"worms".
Also I have the free power point program downloaded but
don't remember where I got it & a friend asked me about
it. Do you know the site I can tell her about to get it?
Thanks so much for you fun & tips.
Dear Sharon
The border between viruses and worms is a bit murky
these days. Generally, viruses focus on spreading to other
machines, while worms focus on gaining control of your
machine, harvesting data, and using your machine for
spamming.
Adware just pesters you with ads, but frequently also infects
your computer with a virus or worm.
However, nowadays both viruses and worms try to open
a back door for hackers or nasty programs or add-ons to
the initial infection.
All malicious stuff like that is malware.
Programs like McAfee make no distinction between
viruses and worms, when it comes to protecting a machine.
They nuke them all. Just when you try to read the detailed
description they call them by their proper names.
They also clip adware and spyware, unless you clicked to
accept ads in lieu of payment. In that case, they can't legally
cut off a form of payment that you had agreed to.
The free PowerPoint viewer that I use is the one in
Open Office. It works great for harvesting individual pictures
from a huge, bulky PPS or PPT file.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A preacher wanted to mail a letter home when he
arrived in this small town where he was to to preach a
sermon. He asked a young boy where the post office
was. When the boy told him, he thanked him and said,
"If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening,
you can hear me telling everyone how to get to
Heaven."
"Huh! the boy huffed, "You don't even know your way to
the post office."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing Serving Bowls, Platters and Utensils
As I get out the dishes for the holiday dinners, I also take
out the serving bowls and utensils I will need. I put a little
note in each bowl (i.e. cranberries, stuffing. etc.) so when
I am serving up food I don't have to fumble around finding
the right size bowl at the last minute.
By Linda from Vista ,CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat,
leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid
asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects
me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put
it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it
protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has
pockets where I can keep my cigarettes and matches."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm riding my horse through
rough bushes."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked,
"Why do you wear sneakers instead of cowboy boots ?"
"That's so people won't think I'm a truck driver."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the
computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk
to a youngster the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise
of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes",
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice
whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone, the boss decided he would
just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked
the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the
whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now
alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper in the sandbox!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."
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( 3 / 52 )
How do I make a CD/DVD to show on a TV?
Thursday, November 26, 2009, 03:22 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, November 26, 2009
"Striving for excellence motivates you;
striving for perfection is demoralizing."
--- Harriet Braiker
"Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work
with your Sunday clothes on."
--- Ed Howe
Meetings are indispensable
when you don't want to do anything.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith
One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near
the house. Then she saw it float far out into the
front yard, then float back to the house; it kept
floating away from the house, then back towards
house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked
Mrs.Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a
floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I tole
dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or
high water, or he's gonna sleep on da couch!"
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher
knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if
anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his
dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his
dad had explained to him why it was more important to
go to church than to go fishing.
The boy replied: "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have
enough bait for both of us."
A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter havet you never seen a little boy
before?"
Large
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Islington Town Hall in North London, England
No Civil Union for straights
To ensure that they are not misquoted, the London Metro
newspaper's online version is100% graphics, without any
editable text.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Grace
Re: How do I make a CD/DVD to show on a TV?
Dear Webby,
I was wondering if you can tell me what format I should
use to get a cd to play pictures on the Tv from a burned disc.
I have spent so many hours doing slide shows and videos
of my grand kids only to find out they are not in the right
format to put in the dvd player and then not work. I have
used a DVD-R and a CD-R, and about 3 different programs
with no luck. Can you tell me how to do it or what program I need?
Thanks
Grace
Dear Grace
I don't have a TV, so I really don't have any first hand knowledge about that.
Some people say that Nero works for that,
others say Socusoft DVD Photo Slide Show.
That one is at
http://www.dvd-photo-slideshow.com/slid ... layer.html
or
http://www.dvd-photo-slideshow.com/download.html
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was
asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it
to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but definitely not the same ones."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Your Turkey Bones for Soup
Think you've got your turkey pretty well stripped? Think again.
After all that turkey tetrazini, turkey hash, turkey salad, etc,
try turkey soup. Toss all the turkey bones into a large pot.
Cover the bones with water, add seasonings to taste, and
simmer two hours. While the bones are simmering,
peel carrots, celery and whatever other veggies you like.
Add these to the pot. Cook an additional hour to hour and
a half. If desired, add a half pound of egg noodles near the
end of the cooking time. Once the noodles are cooked
according to the time specified on the package, remove
the bones (carefully, so you don't burn yourself).
Your turkey soup is ready to enjoy.
By Lelia Jo from Springfield, OH
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young
farmer frantically struggling to load hay back onto a
cart from where it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't
you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is
entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said,
"Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load
of hay."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to
discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've
been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh, No! I can't." the first replied, "I need to lose
at least another fifteen pounds first."
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( 2.9 / 54 )
Can I make an install CD from an installed game?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009, 04:01 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, November 25, 2009
"Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can'tbe done and why.
Then do it."
--- Robert Heinlein
Thanks to Bill for this story:
Big Jake was having his long hair styled at the hairdressers
when a bus smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape,
his hair divided with aluminium clips, Jake, an ex-paratrooper
corporal raced out to the bus and found the driver unhurt.
The car driver, however, was slumped over the wheel,
unconscious. Big Jake lost no time in applying his army
acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. The car driver recovered consciousness
several times, but kept passing out again.
Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took
over, and Jake returned to his hairdresser's seat. "I just don't
understand why he kept passing out," he said to the hairdresser.
"I did everything they taught me."
"Well, put yourself in the car driver's place," said the hairdresser.
"He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next
thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green
cape, weird hair, with a head full of wires, pounding on his chest
and kissing him. You'd pass out too."
A young woman doctor tells the story about her 4 year
old daughter. On the way to pre-school, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little
girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "My daughter
wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument,
"Wowcome to McDonnahs. Do ya want fwies wif that?"
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it ain't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have
10 feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
: BIG hands!
Thanks to Robert for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Adam Garland and Michael Queener at the at the
Turney Center prison in Tennessee
Inmates Escape, Steal Cigarettes, Return
CLIFTON, Tenn. -- The state Department of Correction said
two inmates escaped a minimum security prison in southwest
middle Tennessee on Nov. 7 to steal cigarettes before returning,
WSMV-TV in Nashville reported.
Adam Garland and Michael Queener are accused of escaping
through a window in their cell at the Turney Center Annex and
crawling under a fence.
While out, the men stole cigarettes and tobacco products from a
convenience store before returning to the prison by going back
through the window that they had escaped from, officials at the
corrections department said.
Officers later discovered the contraband, and an investigation
began.
Queener was serving a 10-year sentence for aggravated robbery.
Garland was serving a five-year sentence for attempted aggravated
burglary and theft.
The men will now face escape and burglary charges, and minimum
security days are over for them.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Moo Mom
Re: Can I make an install CD from an installed game?
Dear Webby,
I was wondering if it would be possible to some how copy a game
and all that goes with it that was installed in a friends computer
from a game cd or disc , what ever you call them into mine,
they no longer have the original cd for me to install the game.
can it some how be copied to a blank cd and then installed
in mine.?
Thanks a lot ...
Moo Mom
Dear Moo Mom
Usually that is impossible.
If that was possible, they would sell only ONE CD,
and everybody would copy it from the machine it was
installed on.
They couldn't pay their rent in that case.
Look for that game on eBay. There are bound to be some
people who have outgrown it and are selling the CD cheaply.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last
she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Baked-on Food
I find the best way to remove any baked on or burned residue
in pans or casseroles, or burner rings is to sprinkle on some
dry dishwasher detergent, cover with hot tap water and allow
to sit overnight. In the morning, it will come off with a wipe of
the sponge. I haven't found any other method that works
without scrubbing.
By TwoDogsMom from Vista CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A lawyer dies on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 760
years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I was shot on
my 40th birthday!."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter.
"We've added up the time you billed."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender
(with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone in the
houshe a drink, pour yourschelf one, and gimme the
bill."
So the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill
for $57.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times, then
throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and
once again says (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy
everyone in the houshe a drink, pour yourschelf one, and
gimme the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself
that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same
trick twice. So he gives him the benefit of the doubt,
pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink
himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up,
beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him
out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar
and says (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone
in the houshe a drink, gimme the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me
this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent
when you drink."
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( 2.9 / 56 )
How do I restore from an emergency back-up?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009, 03:09 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"Under capitalism man exploits man;
under socialism the reverse is true."
--- Polish Proverb
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to
make sense."
--- Tom Clancy
Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and
the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence
with a direct object.
Little Johnny stood and thought, then said,
"Teacher, I think you have lost weight."
"Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said,
blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied....
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated
father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room
without supper. But my son has his own TV, phone,
computer and DVD player.
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!"
The lawyer emailed his client overseas:
"Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Do you want
us to order burial or cremation ?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both,
but not in that order."
Utah
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a 17 year old bank robber in Warwick, RI
RI teen skipped school, robbed bank
WARWICK, R.I. (AP) - Police say a 17-year-old Warwick boy who
skipped school to rob a bank has been arrested after leaving
fingerprints on the threatening note he passed to the teller.
Warwick police Capt. Sean Collins said the boy handed a
note riddled with misspellings to a teller Thursday, demanding
money or "everyone will be shot."
The teller at Coastway Community Bank gave the teen money,
but he didn't have much time to spend it.
Police said his image was captured on surveillance cameras,
and his fingerprints were found on the note.
Police said the teen was arrested six hours after the alleged
theft and faces a first degree robbery charge. The teen, whom
police declined to identify because he's a juvenile, was being
held at the Rhode Island Training School.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Harlin
Re: How do I restore from an emergency back-up?
Dear Webby,
I have been reading your emails daily and have found the
information very helpful. I have a problem with my computer
and just wondered if you would not mind helping me out. I really
enjoy your emails - keep up the good work.
I did an emergency backup and the information was stored in the
D drive. I am unable to retrieve the information because the folder
is locked. How do I get the information out of the drive and put
back into the proper folders.
Thank you for any help you can give me.
Harlin
Dear Harlin
That sounds like you may have used one of the many back-up
programs that compress and encrypt the files and then lock them,
so that nobody else can use them. For privacy protection, that is
definitely a good idea, but it can be a nuisance for retrieval.
You need the exact program, that you used to make that back-up,
to unlock, decrypt, and expand the files. Without that program,
the back-up is just wasted space.
Not all, but most of those programs allow you to restore just
selected files, but some default to a complete, everything or
nothing, restore. You got to be very calm, cool and focused
when you do the restore, so that you don't accidentally overwrite
files that you have updated in the meantime. In some cases,
it is bet to rename those or copy them to a different location,
so that they won't get overwritten by the restore.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Michael strode in to his doctors office and said,
"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my
prescription and to check the prescription you've been
giving to a Mrs. Rogers."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since
when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
Michael says, "Since he found out that the birth
control pills that you prescribed for me did nothing
about my hemorrhoids, and the salve you prescribed
for Mrs Rogers did not stop her from getting pregnant."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Your Oven Heat to Warm Your House
After using your oven in the winter, turn it off and leave the
door open so the leftover heat can spread into your home.
Of course you need to keep small children away until it
cools, but when it comes to conserving energy and
money every little bit sure adds up.
By Patricia from Imperial, NE
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Norrissa was nervous the night her new boyfriend invited
her and her three young sons to an upscale restaurant
for the first time.
He ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the
server brought it, the children became quiet as she
began the ritual uncorking. When the waitress poured a
small amount for Norissa to taste and handed her the glass,
her six-year-old piped up,
"Mom can drink a LOT more than that! Give her the bottle!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Aaron bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
their Anniversary. His friend Benny remarked: "I thought
she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive cars."
"She did," Aaron replied. "But where in the world was I
going to find a fake Jeep ?!!"
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( 2.9 / 45 )
MSN blocking subscriptions
Monday, November 23, 2009, 03:27 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, November 23, 2009
"I suffer from two phobias:
1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that
you're unable to get scared, and
2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia,
the fear of not pronouncing words correctly."
--- Brad Stine
It is hard to say whether the doctors of laws or the
doctors of divinity have made the greater advances in the
lucrative business of mystery.
--- Samuel Goldwyn
The story is told of a day when Queen Elizabeth had the
Duke Of Edinbourgh over for a cup of tea. The
conversation turned equestrian and the Queen was
telling the Duke about her new prize horse. After a
spell of ranting and raving over this horse the Duke
said, "Well, then, let's see this fine animal!"
So the Queen and the Duke went over to the stables to
admire the horse. At one point the Queen walked around
the horse, just as it let out an earth trembling fart,
with a smell that brought tears to everybody's eyes and
blistered the paint ... let's just say it was awesome..
The Queen turned a bit red and said,
"Oh, I am terribly sorry about that!"
"Oh, that's quite alright," the Duke replied, "I had
thought it was the horse!"
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a
bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.
The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful
liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most
powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you
put Holy Water on your forehead every day,
bad thoughts will pass away."
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is TURPENTINE!
If you put this on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley!
was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked
"Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work."
looked inside and was amused to see an electric
can opener.
Thanks to Dave for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a dopey Pennsylvanian couple
Woman smuggled drugs to Pa. inmate with kiss
Nov 20, 3:12 PM (ET)
MERCER, Pa. (AP) - A western Pennsylvania woman has been
ordered to stand trial on charges she passed a drug-filled
balloon to a state prison inmate while kissing him. State police
said guards at the State Correctional Institution-Mercer
became suspicious when an inmate appeared to swallow
something after a prolonged kiss with a visitor on Oct. 19.
When the inmate wouldn't tell guards what he swallowed,
they put him in a cell where they could monitor his bathroom
visits and found a balloon filled with marijuana three days later.
Police charged the inmate, and the woman with conspiracy
to smuggle contraband and other charges. Both are 41 years old.
A district judge ordered them to stand trial at a hearing on Monday.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Beverly
Re: Can't unsubscribe or subscribe
Dear Webby
still messing with this......can't unsubscribe as i'm not in the
list data base. go figure.
can't you just bypass your system and sign me up by hand???
if i can get a letter from you, should get the humor letter...
if it is being sent. I can ...and have ..subscribe,but never
get the confirmation letter so guess i just get dumped out
of your system., like must have happened a month or so ago.
BEVERLY
Dear Beverly
You probably unsubscribed and tried to re-subscribe when
MSN started censoring your subscription.
Currently you are in the confirmation waiting list.
Until you confirm, and thereby prove that MSN is not censoring
mail from humor@webby.com, there is no point sending your
subscription just to be censored and murdered by the Taliban.
You can try whitelisting humor@webby.com,
and try subscribing again when the current confirmation
request times out. It keeps trying for 72 hours.
In the long run, though, your best bet would be to get a
respectable and reliable address.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming
their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example:
USA uses USS which means "United States Ship."
The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship."
and now...Italy is using AMB which apparently means
"At's-a My Boat!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Winter Tip: Keep Clean, Dry Socks Handy
Keep a clean pair of dry socks under the seat of your car,
in your bag or in a coat pocket in case you get your feet wet!
You'll thank yourself for this thoughtfulness especially if
you have to spend an entire day with cold wet feet and
catch a cold due to it!
By Melody_yesterday from Sedalia, MO
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your
best friend is a terrible thing to do!"
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at
him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at
you, you should have come to me."
The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done?
My aim is five times better than yours!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its
location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the
beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken
windows."
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please vote for it at the
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Pictures too big in Outlook Express
Sunday, November 22, 2009, 02:50 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, November 22, 2009
"Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion
without the discomfort of thought."
--- John F. Kennedy
People who say they sleep like a baby
usually don't have one.
--- Leo J. Burke
For most folks, no news is good news;
for the press, good news is not news.
--- Gloria Borger
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the
IRS Tax auditor, who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel
it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work
in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to
pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with
a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin
on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going
to want me to pay with money."
The following ad appeared in a newspaper.
Single Black Female Seeks Male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant.
Good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup
truck.Hunting, Camping, Fishing trips. Cozy winter
nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours.
Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Dog Pound and Daisy
was an eight week old Black Labrador Retriever.)
A 16-year old comes home and says "Dad, I just
got my driver's license and would like to use the
family car."
Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to
get good grades in school, keep your room clean,
keep the yard trimmed, and cut your hair. Come
back when you've done all of that."
Well, a month passes and the son approaches
his dad, report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great
marks on my report card. I've been keeping my
room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "But, son, you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, Dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're right. He never got
to drive either."
Thanks to Donnie for this picture:
A Mississippi Fox Squirrel
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Russell Spade, 41, of Redding, California
Fugitive Imposter
Two men were arrested Monday night - including one man who
police say pretended to be a fugitive - after an hourlong chase
that took officers through the streets and backyards of a south
Redding neighborhood.
Redding police were called about 9:20 p.m. to a report of two
men trying to break into Northern California Recycling on
Clear Creek Road, police Sgt. Mike Thomas said.
When an officer spotted the two men, one ran away, while the
second remained at the scene, police Sgt. Steve Moravec said.
At least six officers, a helicopter and a police dog were called
to the area to find the fleeing man, Thomas said.
During the chase through the Westwood neighborhood off
Highway 273, a resident apparently heard on an emergency
radio scanner that police were looking for a man wearing
khaki pants and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt.
Moravec said the man wondered if police would notice him if
he went outdoors wearing the clothing of the suspect they
were searching for.
"Well, we noticed him," Moravec said. Russell Spade, 41, of
Redding was arrested on suspicion of obstructing and delaying
a police officer, Moravec said.
He does not face charges in connection with the alleged burglary
because, other than his clothing, he didn't fit the description of
the suspect, Moravec said. However, they most definitely have
HIS number now.
Police also arrested Matthew Padel, 23, of Redding on suspicion
of prowling and possessing a dangerous drug, in this case
methamphetamine, Moravec said.
Police called off the search for the second man about 10:20 p.m.,
Thomas said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ron
Re: Pictures too big in Outlook Express
Dear Webby
I know you do not usually deal with Out Look Express but I
have used it for years with good success. Maybe you know
why when I send a picture it fills more than the whole screen.
Is there a setting to change this and make the pics smaller?
You have answered my questions since 1998 so you might
know this one. Thanks.
RON P
Dear Ron
I am not familiar with OE,
but the picture should be resized before embedding it into
ANY email program.
OE does have a setting that automatically squishes pictures
if you attach them, instead of embedding them, but it uses a
lossy compression that can not be reversed. You might be able
to find that setting, if you look in the OE help.
Best is to use any graphics program to crop or resize the pictures
beforehand, like I do with the Humor Letter.
Personally, I have used Paint Shop Pro for about 20 years,
but any graphics program will do. There are a dozens of free ones
on the net, that are plenty good enough for resizing.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
.A man walks into an animal hospital with a gigantic
parrot and asks to have the bird's beak and talons and
wings trimmed. The owner warns the veterinarian's
assistant that the bird dislikes these procedures and
is apt to bite.
The assistant puts on thick gloves and cautiously opens
the cage. The parrot steps out, then looks at the
wary assistant.
"Don't worry," the parrot squawks. "I probably won't hurt you."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Check Your Free Credit Report Every Year
Get a free credit report yearly and check it carefully.
The 3-4 credit bureaus allow you one free credit
report a year. We were surprised to find a problem
on ours that we did not know about. Home owners
insurance premiums can be affected by your credit
rating even if they are paid through your mortgage.
By Kim from Franklin Park, IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
It may still be winter where you are, but in Australia
it's the season of the big spring mosquitos.
The other evening, a man walked out into his yard and
two mosquitos picked him up. As they lifted him, one
says to the other, "Let's take him down by the lake and
have a picnic."
The other one said, "No way ! If we carry him down
there, the big mosquitos will take him away from us."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his
full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a guy with his name
had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago. Upon
seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was
too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my
teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied. "Graduated in 1955."
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked,
"What did you teach?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
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Vista not able to handle video on Skype
Saturday, November 21, 2009, 01:39 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, November 21, 2009
"It is far more impressive when others discover your
good qualities without your help."
--- Judith Martin
Thanks to Donny for this:
WE are in trouble...
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes!
"You seem to have more than average intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a
witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a
hospital. The patient has had major surgery to
both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically
holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "The nurse told
me that I will be able to play the piano when these
bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"Hmmm, then I better start learning to read sheet
music!"
Yukon memories!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Kiara Medlock, 10, Ozark, Arkansas
Teen assaults cop and needed to be tasered
NOVEMBER 18--An Arkansas cop tasered an unruly 10-year-old
girl after her mother called police to report that the child was
crying, screaming, and refusing to go to bed. The tased girl,
According to the Ozark Police Department report, when Officer
Dustin Bradshaw arrived at the residence last Thursday, he
found the girl "screaming, kicking, and resisting every time
her mother tried to touch her."
Bradshaw added that, "Her mother told me to tase her if I
needed to." After Kiara continued to refuse her mother's
instructions, the cop concluded that "there was not going to be
a peaceful resolution of the issue."
Bradshaw warned the girl that she was "going to jail," but the brat
continued kicking and crying and resisted his attempt to handcuff
her. During the fight, Kiara "struck me with her legs and feet in the
groin, reported Bradshaw, who countered with a brief "stun to her back"
with his Taser. The child, not surprisingly, "stopped resisting and was
placed into handcuffs. However, she refused to walk on her own
and I had to carry her to my police car."
Kiara was then transported to a youth shelter.
------------
Sounds like that brat will need to get tased a few more times
before she starts acting her age.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Di
Re: Vista not able to handle video on Skype
Dear Webby
Hi Webby:
Since you are talking Skype - I have a question about using it
for my webcam. I have been talking to my granddaughter in
NC and I am in FL. I see and hear her fine for a few minutes,
then my screen freezes the image of her, although we can still
hear each other. She can still see me just fine. When we
call each other back - it is fine again for a few minutes and
then the same thing happens again. I am using a regular
laptop with 3G of ram and she is using a mini notebook with
the maximum ram required. Do you have any ideas, so I
can start troubleshooting?
Is it her problem or mine?
I am running Vista and my hard drive is almost full.
Thanks, Di
Dear Di
Well, that would 'splain things.
Upgrading to XP would most definitely help.
If you don't want to do that,
add the 4th GB of RAM that Vista needs,
get an external USB hard drive or second internal hard drive
give the C: drive about 40% free space
increase the virtual memory to at least twice the amount of RAM
run DisKeeper to defrag and optimize your hard drives.
That won't make it as fast and reliable as XP, but programs
won't get stuck or partially stuck as often.
Another solution is to buy an old XP machine ( with the XP CD ! )
at a yard sale, format and re-install XP, and use that for your
communications and anything that requires speed and power.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to
me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded
with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the
seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little
girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her
lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little
lady straining to see what I was holding.
"What ya got, mister?" she asked.
(Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind
her business.)
I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and
says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear
telling her to sit down.)
I said, "they're for my girlfriend".
The little 5 year old said, again with a loud voice,
"WOW, pretty RED ones, and a LOT of them, too!
Man, you really must have f****d up!"
Her mother turned as red as the roses, but all the
other passengers bust a gut laughing.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Subtract Savings First
It seems the more I made the more I spent, until I decided
to try a special way to save money. Each month, when I
get paid, I subtract an amount of money that I am going to
try to save. Once it is subtracted in my register, it seems
like it is not there but it really is should a serious emergency
arise. I try to make it an amount that is pushing my saving limit.
At the end of the month, I have to decide what to do with it. I
either save it or purchase something that is really needed,
such as tires. In times past, I would just go out and charge
tires on my credit card and hope that I could pay it off at the
end of the month. This way, with a little patience, I will have
the money in hand before I buy tires.
By Paula from GA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her
husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had
taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but
would and then call back.
When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor
called and asked her what had happened. She said,
"Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a
barometer on his chest and it said dry,
so I gave him a pint of beer and he went off to work!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
The Burgess Hill Town Council in the UK, in response to a
worker's complaint that sunlight coming through the window
caused a glare on her computer screen, has already had three
meetings, six months of discussion, contact with several
contractors, produced a six page report, worked up five
potential alternatives, their favorite being the spending of
up to $10,000 to put computer controlled screens on the
outside of the window or coat the window with reflective
film, but whose Town Clerk solved the problem by moving
the desk away from the window, but had forgotten to tell them.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
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