Convert Internet dates to spreadsheet dates 

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It's Thursday,  December 24, 2009

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties, is looking for a job the next day." --- Phyllis Diller You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. --- Mark Twain
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any brothers or sisters." "And what did she say when you told her you were an only child?" his mom asked. And Little Johnny said, "Well, she just let out a deep breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."
On their way to church to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to cops in Cremona, Italy Cops total their Lamborghini Italian police officers wrote off a 200,000 ($320,000) supercar given to them by Lamborghini when it smashed into a row of parked cars. The 202mph Gallardo coupe was one of two donated to police by the luxury motor manufacturer to help with high speed pursuits. Witnesses say the police car had accelerated massively just before another car pulled out of a petrol station and forced it off the road in Cremona, northern Italy. Embarrassed cops tried to confiscate phone cameras from witnesses but abandoned the plan when hundreds turned up to gawp at the smash.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: Internet date to spreadsheet date Dear Webby, If anybody would know, it's probably you. We got all our client lists safely on the web, so that every staff member always has access to them, no matter where they happen to be at the time. Now we need to get the names and addresses and dates into a regular spreadsheet to send Christmas cards to the clients. Names and addresses are easy, but all dates are weird numbers, that spreadsheets can't convert to dates. Is there a way to convert them to dates, without punching one number at a time into an online converter? Merry Christmas! Alex Dear Alex On the web younormally use UNIX time, the number of seconds since 01/01/1970. Spreadsheets usually use the days since 01/01/1900. Knowing that, you simply divide the UNX number by 86400 to get days, and add 25569 (70 years worth of days) to it. Then format that column as DATE. So, if your UNIX date number is in column D, from row 1 to 5000, and you want the human readable date in column E, put this into E1: +d1/86400+25569 or in Excel it would be =d1/86400+25569 Then copy that formula down to all cells in E from 1 to 5000 and format that column as DATE format. Have FUN! DearWebby
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take an extra sweater, it's probably quite chilly out on the golf course'."
Daily tip from Make Reindeer Food For Christmas Eve Materials * 1 cup of oatmeal * 1 Tbsp. of brown sugar * 1 tsp cinnamon Instructions Mix carefully. Add a dash of glitter just before spreading on front lawn on Christmas Eve. The glitter will sparkle under the moonlight and will catch the eye of the reindeer. This makes a great quick snack for the reindeer, while they are waiting for Santa to return to his sleigh. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:

It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked up the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take Him?" The little boy said, "About a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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English - Merry Christmas Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees Albanian - Gezuar Krishtlindje Arabic - I'd MIILAD Said Oua Sana Saida Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo Celtic - Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda Chinese - (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan (Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun (Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi Croatian - Sretan Bozic Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok Danish - Gladelig Jul Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! English - Merry Christmas Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad Finnish - Hyvaa joulua French - Joyeux Noel Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier! German - Froehliche Weihnachten Greek - Kala Christouyenna! Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket Icelandic - Gledileg Jol Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto Kala - Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa Maori - Meri Kirihimete Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh Navajo - Merry Keshmish Northern Sotho - Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr! Papiamento - Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo Pig Latin - Errymay ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia Portuguese - Feliz Natal Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua Romanian - Craciun Fericit Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom Serbian - Hristos se rodi Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur Serbian - Hristos se rodi! Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto Spanish - Feliz Navidad! Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh Waray - Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig Welsh - Nadolig Llawen Zulu - Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni

Norad and Santa
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from

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