Voting for more than one newsletter
Saturday, January 9, 2010, 05:03 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, January 9, 2010
A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.
--- Edward R. Murrow
A nursery school teacher was telling her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should
be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood
with his hands on his hips and said "I'm not free!"
Taken aback by the boy's positive attitude, she said,
"well, at your age I will admit that you are not allowed to do anything you
want, but what I meant is that your family can do anything that is legal.
Now, do you understand that you are free?"
"No -- I'm NOT free," he said looking up defiantly, "I'm four!"
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the
overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three
hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."
The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on a
business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several
minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor
window.
"Whattya want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!", replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch as usual,
and we'll sober him up in the morning."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
Some people quite enjoy the end of the Gullible Warming ripple!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Ryan Densmore, 22, of Wallingford, Conn., and
Travis McKeaveney, 23, of Middletown, Conn.
Lost crooks asked police for directions
BRANFORD, Conn. (UPI) -- Police in Connecticut said two thieves
were arrested after stopping to ask a police officer for directions
back to the highway.
Branford police said Ryan Densmore, 22, of Wallingford, Conn.,
and Travis McKeaveney, 23, of Middletown, Conn., took eight
catalytic converters from the parking lots of several automotive
businesses in Branford before stopping at about 4 a.m. to ask
a police officer for directions to Interstate 91, WTNH-TV,
New Haven, Conn., reported.
"As the pair drove away, Officer Eula noticed that the rear
license plate of the vehicle Densmore was operating was covered
with some sort of material," Sgt. Gregory Watrous said. "The officer
became suspicious and stopped the vehicle as it entered I-95."
Watrous said police found the catalytic converters in the car,
along with metal cutting saws and blades.
"I knew that we had a group of thieves taking these items, I just
figured that that may have been a little better organized and more
intelligent," Chief John DeCarlo said. "Some criminals never cease
to amaze me."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jerry
Re:Voting for more than one newsletter
Hi Webby My Friend, Here's a question I've always have been
wonderin' about... I vote for your page almost everyday from
the EzlineFinder link... I then go to Ophelia Dingbatter's News
page and read her daily humor and also "vote" for her page...
I was just wondering if both votes count, due to the fact that
after I vote for yours it will not let me vote again till after
midnight... But I can still vote for her's ... Ya know what I
mean, Do Both Votes Count ???
Thanks for keepin' us all in good sprites !!!
~~~~~Jerry~~~~~
Dear Jerry
Yes, both votes count.
If you simplify voting by registering, then you can click on
FAVORITES
in there, and add any number of newsletters to your Favorites.
Then next time you come in to vote, it shows you the vote
buttons for all your favorites, and you can click on them
one after the other, all on the same page.
AND,
using that method, you don't have to worry about confirmation
request emails. You take care of that by logging in. Since
you can tell your browser to remember your log-in, that is
no effort at all.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A mother was teaching her four-year-old The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after
the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated
words, right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail
Amen. "
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cook for Other Families to Save Money
To save money on groceries, you could find one or two families
who you know are very busy and either eat out a lot or order
in a lot. See if they would be interested in having you make
meals for them. The key is they buy enough groceries to make
enough for their family and yours. I find if you're making a
meal anyways, it is very easy to double it. I personally make
meals for two separate families. One family I will cook for two
days a week and the second I will cook for the remaining three
days, with the weekends being leftover days. Then on Fridays,
I sit down and make up the menus for the coming week and the
ingredient list for both families. They go buy the food and drop
it off to me for the week.
By Vicki from Nanaimo, B.C.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
I came across some notes from the days, when I was traveling
around the Yukon a lot. Some were quite funny.
From the granny in the "Scare North" parka (the stewardess):
"They remembered to put the gas cap on today, so we won't be doing the
usual circling back to the airport. Which is unfortunate, because they
forgot to put the cap on the coffee thermos."
And from the pilot during his message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry... They will be on the next flight."
One time in the 70s when they were still using their drafty see-through
DC3 from Whitehorse to Dawson City, Dennis the pilot was in a serious
looking conference with the stewardess and then came walking back,
looking pointedly at the bright red toolcase on the floor between my feet
and asked: "Does anybody by any chance have a 3/4" wrench?"
I was on my way to fix a big generator and certainly did have all the
wrenches with me. After I handed him a 3/4" wrench, he went back
to the stewardess.
She handed him a beer. In those days the beer still had crown-caps
instead of screw-tops. He grabbed the bottle tighly around the neck with
one hand, leveraged the wrench over his thumb and expertly popped the
cap. Seems they had forgotten the bottle opener on that trip, and by the
time we reached Dawson City the stewardess got pretty good at opening
beer with a wrench.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Georgina likes sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.
One day she brought half a loaf of bread that had gone a bit moldy to feed
her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon
with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone.
Then suddenly a man rained on her parade by telling her that she
shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food
anywhere, when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
After staring at him for a few seconds, she handed him the last chunk of
bread and said: "Since you are so full of hot air and good advice, I'll let you
take this to Africa"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.8 / 21 )
Friday, January 8, 2010, 03:49 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, January 8, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do,
and that is to contradict other philosophers.
--- William James
Confusion is always the most honest response.
--- Marty Indik
Thanks to Wendy for sending back this classic:
Harry urgently needed a few days off work,
but, He knew the Boss would not Allow me to take leave.
He thought that maybe if he acted 'Crazy' then the boss would
tell him to take a Few days off.
He hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
Noises. Harry's co-worker who's blonde) asked him what he was doing.
Harry told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss might think he was 'Crazy' and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in The name of good GOD are you doing?'
Harry told him that he was a light bulb. The Boss said, 'You are
clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
Harry jumped down and walked out of the office...
When Harry's co-worker followed him,
the Boss asked her, '...And Where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of
a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."
Alex sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks,
"Where ya going boy?"
Elmer smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
Alex said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."
"Yes, sure Alex, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Some Policemen in Britain are having a riot on the shields.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Augusta Cannon, 80 in Kansas City, MO
80-year-old plays Robin Hood, robs banks
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (UPI) -- An 80-year-old Missouri man with a
pellet gun said he robbed a bank and tried to hold up another so
he could give away the money, court documents show.
Retired railroad engineer Augusta Cannon was charged with
attempted robbery of a U.S. Bank branch in Kansas City. U.S.
Magistrate Judge Robert E. Larsen ordered him held without
bond pending trial, The Kansas City Star reported.
Cannon allegedly pointed a gun at the teller demanding money,
but left when told the teller had none, the newspaper said.
After his arrest Monday, Cannon allegedly told FBI investigators
he had used the same pellet gun about 15 minutes after the
attempted robbery to rob a UMB branch of about $8,700.
He said his motive for the robbery and robbery attempt was
to give the stolen money to underprivileged children, the
Star reported.
Bank employees said $,8,700 was taken in the robbery,
but Cannon told police he had given away most of what
he took.
Cannon has not been charged in the alleged robbery and
less than $1,000 was found at his home in a subsequent
search, police said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Len
Re:Voting mystery
Good morning Webby
A curious question about the Ezine Finder voting system.
Last week your number was over 50,000 votes.
Today, they are showing 645. Is that right or even realistic?
Keep up the good work?
Len
Dear Len
The votes get zeroed for everybody on January 1,
and traditionally they mess up the first two-three days of
the year, then the vote count becomes realistic and
believable.
By the end of January those first two-three days won't
make any difference any more.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12
if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on
the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Your Swimming Pool as a Garden
We used to have a swimming pool. We did not like to swim or
spend so much money to keep the pool clean, it takes lots of
money and time to keep it clean. I suggested we have it filled
up with dirt so I could have a garden, We had it filled up,
I had a very pretty garden all the year, very good idea.
By Kathleen from Dothan, AL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a
bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob
and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because
someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they
walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one
way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled,
"Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"
Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"
Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.
He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"
Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an
elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone
noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and
enclosed one with each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read:
"Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of
the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited to participate in this memorable event."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
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( 3.1 / 14 )
Thursday, January 7, 2010, 03:15 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, January 7, 2010
Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste
that they hurry past it.
--- Soren Kierkegaard
If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in;
first, you get accused of things you never did, and later,
credited for virtues you never had.
--- I. F. Stone
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what
he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked
inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken!
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never
even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
A minister was rather long-winded.
During his sermon a young wife in the congregation remembered that she
had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.
She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.
He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the
pulpit. The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a
terrific frown as he read:
"Please hurry home and shut off the gas."
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."
To get ready for the coming Ice Age, Ford Canada showed off
their all new Ford Freezom SXY with dual front furnaces
and rear engine.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and a Darwin Award goes to Dwight J. Brock Jr. of Mesa, AZ
Sister Accidentally Runs Over, Kills Brother
MESA, Ariz. (Jan. 3) - Police say a teenage girl accidentally ran over
and killed her 17-year-old brother as the two played around in an
Arizona shopping mall parking lot.
Mesa Police spokesman Ed Wessing on Sunday identified the
brother as Dwight J. Brock Jr. and his sister as 16-year-old
Nicole M. Brock, both residents of Mesa.
Wessing says the sister had dropped off her brother at
Superstition Springs Mall Saturday evening. And then they
started playing around, with the brother jumping in front
of the car and the sister slamming on the brakes.
The last time that happened the sister was unable to stop
and ran over the brother.
He was rushed to a hospital in critical condition and later
pronounced dead.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bill
Re:Blog type
Dear Webby
If dstokes79 has a domain, she can use the full version
of Wordpress from http://wordpress.org, or any of the
full featrued blogs, like the one you or I use.
Bill
Dear Bill
Yes, maybe she could, theoretically.
However, owning a domain name does not mean having a
web site actually set up and working, or that they have enough
web skills to manage a full featured blog.
When somebody is not a subscriber, has no signature block
on their email, and doesn't even sign off with their name,
then they are most likely not quite ready to go beyond
the most basic type of blog. She can always upgrade later.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. his wife said,
"What's the problem?"
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of
my life."
She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their
whole lives."
He said, "I know, but he only gave me a dozen pills!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cutting Down on Craft Mess
My whole family loves to paint and do crafts. To help keep
messes to a minimum, I save all the foam trays from the
meats we buy. They work great for everything: glitter, paint,
glue and sorting beads. I even have other family members
saving theirs for me.
By Sarah from Berrien Springs, MI
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When Jean arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference, the
teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling her that
her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little
flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher
explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," Jean replied defensively. "Where could she have
gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure her that her daughter was still doing fine
in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added,
"By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father (beaming): "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
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( 2.8 / 22 )
Wednesday, January 6, 2010, 03:57 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, January 6, 2010
If you would be known, and not know, vegetate in a village;
If you would know, and not be known, live in a city.
--- Charles Caleb Colton
There MIGHT be Gullible Warming. On this planet it seems
to have moved indoors.
--- DearWebby
A Border Patrol Agent catches a guy that just might be an illegal alien.
However he begs and pleads and asks for a chance to stay. The BPA
decides to give him a chance and says:
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence".
Of course, the man agrees to this. The BPA tells him,
"The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one
sentence."
The guy thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and
sez Yellow?"
A college professor asked his class a question.
"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000
miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how
old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon
said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you
arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22,
and he's half nuts."
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would
soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was
outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the
woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately,
no matter what answer he gave.
"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally.
"I only know that whenever I die, the king will die a horrible death
three days later...."
Mom! Does "can opener" have a meow in it?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jeremiah Gilliam, 22, of New York
Xbox IP leads police to suspect
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police said a suspected serial burglar was
arrested in New York after he used an Xbox taken during one of
his alleged crimes to play games online.
Pelham, N.Y., police said they traced the Internet protocol address
of the stolen Xbox to the New York home of Jeremiah Gilliam, 22,
who had already been under police investigation for his suspected
involvement in 13 unlocked car burglaries, the New York Post
reported Friday.
"On the day of the burglary, the victim used another Xbox and saw
his system was already online," Pelham Detective John Hynes said.
"At the house, we found Xboxes, PlayStations, GPS units, laptops --
a total of 53 items, including stolen credit cards."
Hynes said the items are believed to be from as many as 200 car
break-ins and multiple home burglaries.
Gilliam was arrested and charged with grand larceny.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: dstokes79
Re:Blog
Hello Webby Rep, I'll would like to set up a new web site
and blog for a very inexpensive cost. I juat di=on;t no where
to begin. Can you help me. I already have my domain.
Hi dstokes79
Just go to http://wordpress.com
and register your blog.
You need to have a name for it, choose a user name and a
password. They will set it up and send you all the information
and links on uploading and maintaining it.
A Wordpress.com blog is very basic and simple, and allows
you to get the experience needed to get into fancier blogs like
the one at http://webby.com/humor/blog
You don't need to have a web site of your own for a Wordpress.com
blog, and there are many hundreds of eBooks available with
detailed instructions and tips and tricks about Wordpres.com
style blogs.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.'
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons.
They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons
that nobody ain't got?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Give Each Child Their Own Colored Towel
Do less wash, buy each child a towel in their own color.
When my 4 kids were growing up, I had a problem with
them just throwing their bath towels onto the bathroom
floor. I remedied this by buying each child their own
towel in their own color. The rule was that they were
each responsible for their own towel. They had to use
the same towel all week long. I'd wash them all every
Saturday. If I saw a towel on the floor, I knew who it
belonged to. This not only stopped me from yelling
about it, it also taught them to take care of their
belongings. Believe me, you'll do whole lot less wash!
By Cyinda from Seattle
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When Gore put both feet in his mouth at the same time,
he didn't really have a leg to stand on.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
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( 3 / 15 )
Tuesday, January 5, 2010, 03:44 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing
the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
--- Bruce Grocott
Charm is the quality in others
that makes us more satisfied with ourselves.
--- Henri-Frédéric Amiel
Officers were being lectured about a new computer.
The instructor said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and
chemical attacks.
Then he hollered, "There will be no eating or drinking in my class!
Get rid of that coffee!"
Joe inquired meekly "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill will wreck the Keyboard".
A careful study of economics reveals that the best time
to buy anything, was last year.
That reminds me....
Greg complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's Keli. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," Greg insists.
"Every argument we have, she'll go
"But I still remember that time five years ago when you said...."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Melodi Dushane, 24 of Toledo, Ohio
Ohio woman hit window over lack of nuggets
TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) -- Police say an Ohio woman punched through
a McDonald's drive-through window because Chicken McNuggets
weren't available. Police were called Friday to the restaurant
in Toledo.
Police say 24-year-old Melodi Dushane was treated for injuries,
then jailed. She pleaded not guilty to a vandalism charge. She
was released on a recognizance bond and ordered not to have
contact with the restaurant.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Anise
Re:Get the music from PPS files
Dear Webby,
How do I get the music from PPS files?
Most of the PPS files sent to me have either great pictures
OR great music, but usually one of them is not worth keeping.
So, how do I get just the music?
Anise
Dear Anise
You need a Program: PowerpointImageExtractor by Alain Lecomte
It is Freeware. You can download it from
http://alainlecomte.free.fr
It puts the music and the pictures into a new and separate
folder, so that they are easy to find. Using the program is a
LOT easier than finding it to download it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do
anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....' "
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freeze Lemon Peels to Freshen Garbage Disposal
Save Money By Baking Your Own Bread
One way to save money on food is to learn about baking yeast.
You can find a whole pound of it for about $2.50 at little shops
or places that sell in bulk and you use it a tablespoon at a time
- it lasts for months in the refrigerator. There are plenty of
sites on the internet that will walk you through the process of
making bread.
The best advice I ever read about baking bread concerns
how to know if your dough is kneaded well enough. If you
stretch a piece of it and it holds together like a smooth
sheet, it's ready to set aside to rise. Another trick of the
trade is to let the dough rise three times before you shape
it into loaves. The yeast will have thoroughly altered the
flour, making it easy to digest and easing any worry that
there is still live yeast in the bread.
I also have learned to bake as much bread as our family
will eat in a day or two and freeze the rest of the completely
risen dough. When I'm ready to bake it I let it thaw completely,
then shape it, rest it and bake it. The finished product will
taste better than anything you can buy in the store, and
will cost less than the most marked down loaf on the shelf.
By Linda from Weirton, WV
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back.
"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet
table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up
the plate just for you!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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"I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate.
This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born."
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( 3 / 15 )
Extract music from PPS and PPT
Monday, January 4, 2010, 03:08 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, January 4, 2010
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
--- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
--- Mo Udall
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the
mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink
of whiskey to improve his stamina.
A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit,
the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's
about six months ahead with the whiskey."
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...
a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour,
and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.
Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."
Don't Tell!
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Larry Bernard in Franklin, Indiana
Underwear a poor disguise for robber
INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- A robber's disguise -- women's panties --
wasn't enough to keep witnesses from identifying him, leading
to an arrest by Indiana police, officials said.
A man brandishing a large knife and covering his face with
underwear robbed a convenience store in Franklin, Ind.,
Monday. He made off with cash, cigarettes and a lighter,
WRTV, Indianapolis reported.
A customer and the station clerk saw through the disguise
and were able to provide a description of the robber detailed
enough to lead police to set up surveillance around a Franklin
home. Officers spotted Larry Bernard stumbling and
intoxicated with a 12-inch knife in his waistband, Franklin
Police Lt Chris Tennell said.
Panties, cash, cigarettes and a lighter matching the stolen
one were found in his pockets, police said.
Bernard was taken to Johnson County Jail and held on
$21,000 bond, WRTV reported.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Anise
Re:Get the music from PPS files
Dear Webby,
How do I get the music from PPS files?
Most of the PPS files sent to me have either great pictures
OR great music, but usually one of them is not worth keeping.
So, how do I get just the music?
Anise
Dear Anise
You need Program: PowerpointImageExtractor by Alain Lecomte
It is Freeware. You can download it from
http://alainlecomte.free.fr
It puts the music and the pictures into a new and separate
folder, so that they are easy to find. Using the program is
a LOT easier than finding it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young
wife in floods of tears.
"Darling, what is the matter?" he asks.
"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I
cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to
season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the
phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband.
"Don't cry. I'll get you a new cat in the morning..."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freeze Lemon Peels to Freshen Garbage Disposal
I appreciated the tip about saving lemon peels in the freezer
for future recipes, that call for lemon rind or zest. I would
like to add that by saving lemon peels in the freezer, you
can use a few of them in the garbage disposal periodically.
This will freshen the smell, and cleanse the disposal.
Hope this helps some people.
By Donna
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched
as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to
the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and
called out to the farmer.
"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope."
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is
from here?"
"Nope."
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much,
do you?" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I don't have to. I'm not lost."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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John was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after
fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of
that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
John replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting."
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( 2.7 / 27 )
Sunday, January 3, 2010, 02:50 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, January 3, 2010
"THE BUDGET SHOULD BE BALANCED,
THE TREASURY SHOULD BE REFILLED,
PUBLIC DEBT SHOULD BE REDUCED,
THE ARROGANCE OF OFFICIALDOM SHOULD BE
TEMPERED AND CONTROLLED, AND THE
ASSISTANCE TO FOREIGN LANDS SHOULD BE CURTAILED
LEST ROME BECOME BANKRUPT.
PEOPLE MUST AGAIN LEARN TO WORK,
INSTEAD OF LIVING ON PUBLIC ASSISTANCE".
--- CICERO, 55 BC
Jill walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a
round trip ticket.
"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.
Jill rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked,
"Are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work just as soon as your
check clears!"
The boss went up to the bartender and asked,
"Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't" replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"
Thanks to Sandie for sending this:
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to A Sicilian man
Man opts for jail over New Year with relatives
Fri Jan 1, 2010 10:53am EST
ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian man stole sweets and a packet
of chewing gum so he could get arrested and spend
New Year's Eve in a jail cell rather than be with his wife
and relatives, Italian media reported on Friday.
The 35-year old Sicilian first showed up at a police station
on Thursday asking to be arrested because he preferred
spending the night in prison rather than with his family, but
was rebuffed because he had not committed a crime, the
Agi news agency said.
The man immediately went to a tobacco shop next door,
where he threatened the owner with a box cutter as he
grabbed a few sweets and a packet of gum. He then waited
until police arrived to arrest him for robbery, the news
agency said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Earl
Re:Fried video
Hi Webby,
Sure enjoy your newsletter and tek tips. A few days ago I hooked my old
computer up to my 22 inch HDTV and monitor and as it was booting up
everything was blurry, then I heard a weard sound and the monitor said no
signal, now it won't do anything and the same message is displayed. Could
this be a Mother board problem? or what else could it be? Is there anyway
to reset it?. It's an e-machine I have had several years with XP build 2.
I was using it as a backup and was wondering if it is worth fooling with
or just take out the hard drive and take files off the hard drive.
Thanks for any advice you can give me.
Earl
Dear Earl
eMachines typically just have a chip on the board instead of a
replaceable video card. Luckily motherboards are fairly cheap
these days, just a nuisance to swap all the wiring from the old
board to the new board. It is not difficult at all, but best delegated
to a kid with good eye sight. The writing on the board is too small
for most grown-ups.
You might add a dedicated video card at the same time, so that
the next TV monitor mishap won't blow the motherboard. Some
video cards are made for different types of TV monitors, and
some even have inputs for CCTV (surveillance cameras) and
translate the analog signal to digital for use by the computer.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very,
very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful
and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to
breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he
snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them.
His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that Lord
commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish
those who do not."
But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes
were put in the refrigerator.
A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars of
thunder and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother,
"this will teach him a lesson."
To their great surprise though, Robert came to the top of the stairs and
called down: "Sounds like God doesn't want you to make such a fuss
about some silly prunes!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Buy Second Hand Appliances
We sold our 3 bedroom home and moved into what is known as a
2 bedroom apartment home. We sold all our appliances with the
house because we just didn't want to move them.
I've spent over $200.00 + at the complex laundromat for
11 months. I was getting tired of the washers and dryers
breaking down. And I only did my wash once a week.
All the apartments have a space for a washer and dryer.
We had to buy an electric dryer because they don't provide
the gas connection. And we can't make any modifications
to the apartment according to our lease agreement.
We purchased a used 3-year old matching Kenmore Washer
and dryer for $375.00 + $40.00 delivery charge.
Kenmore Washer (large capacity) - $200
Kenmore Dryer (large capacity) - $175
The used appliance store gave us a 90 day warranty.
You sure can't beat the price of $415.00. Now is that
being frugal or what?
By MCW from Lewiston, NY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me
and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with
two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two
women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, you'd gone fishing."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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.
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Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once
in a while."
Josh replied: "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup
Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."
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Saturday, January 2, 2010, 04:24 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, January 2, 2010
Recap of last year:
Most ridiculous lawsuits of 2009
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
--- Ronnie Shakes
Wealth is not a matter of intelligence;
it's a matter of inspiration.
--- Jim Rohn
A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to
his friend,"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents
from making me go visit my weird aunt Helen with them."
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, the man left his hat on the bench, but
didn't miss it until they were back on the freeway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place
to turn around. The woman fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant, that they would be late getting to their destination, etc. She
called her husband every bad name she could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the man got out of the car to
retrieve his hat, the woman yelled to him,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my purse, too."
David and an Italian and an Irishman, all first time fathers, are pacing
nervously in a maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the
delivery room holding up a newborn black baby.
"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses her out in
Italian and says "No! notta my kid!"
"Yours?" The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers
"It blodie will betta not be!"
"OK, then it must be yours", she informs David, who sheepishly looks at
the ground and mumbles "It must be, my wife burns everything!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a truck thief in Tacoma, Washington
Called 911 because stolen truck ran out of gas
RENTON, Wash. – A Tacoma man called 911 to report the truck
he had just stolen had run out of gas. But not only was he arrested,
he learned not all vehicles run on the same type of fuel.
The Washington State Patrol says at about 12:30 p.m. Monday,
a City Transfer employee headed south on State Route 167 spotted
the silver 1985 Chevy truck that was stolen from their yard
earlier that day. Someone was seen in the truck as it sat,
disabled, on the shoulder in Renton.
Minutes later, and before troopers arrived, the suspect called
911 to report the vehicle had run out of gas. When troopers got
there, they say the suspect tried to disguise himself as a City
Transfer worker by wearing a fluorescent green reflector vest
he found in the truck.
A City transfer worker identified the suspect as the person
who stole the truck. The suspect was arrested and booked
into the King County Jail.
As it turns out, the truck did not run out of gas. The suspect
apparently didn't realize that the truck took diesel. He topped
it off with gasoline and it became disabled.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Internet caused shaking
Dear Webby
Thank you for all the computer information. Love your letter.
My question is why does a computer like shake when on the internet?
I read where a computer should be reformated every three years
is this so?
Thanking you in advance.
Shirley
Dear Shirley
So far I have not heard about Internet shaking yet.
Usually the reasons for formatting and re-installing everything is to
get rid of all the utilities and fake speeder-upper programs that you
had fallen for, and also all other accumulated junk, that would be
too tedious to weed out.
Another reason for formatting is when somebody doesn't have a
good defragmenter like DisKeeper, and the computer is slowing
down, because most files are in fragments here and there.
Formatting and re-installing everything brings the computer up
to exactly the same speed as it had the day you bought it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband,
"Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so
overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied, "Yes, honey,
that was the happiest hour of my life."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Browse eBay for Unwanted Gift Certificates
After Christmas is a great time to browse ebay for gift
certificates. You can get them for considerably less
most of the time. People get these gift cards and don't
want them, and would rather have the cash. Therefore
you get more bang for your buck, by bidding for them
on online auctions, such as eBay. Source: Something
I discovered while searching eBay.
By Karen from Union, SC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
I was just visiting some friends who have a farm. I was watching this one
rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed
them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin
eating.
I just stood there thinking to myself, "I hope I never get THAT hungry."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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.
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Poor Ole was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens
fenced in. The neighbor kept telling him the chickens had the right to go
where they wanted. But the birds were ruining Ole's prize-winning
flowerbeds.
Two weeks later, a friend visited Ole and noticed his flowerbeds were
doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked,
"How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
Ole replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them.
He put up a fence before noon."
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( 3 / 44 )
Laptop earphone jack problems
Friday, January 1, 2010, 05:30 AM
Good Morning, !
Happy New Year!
It's Friday, January 1, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
The more memorable the New Years Eve party,
the harder it is to remember to use the correct
number of the new year.
Then the preacher introduced the choir:
"This is our prison choir," he said,
"behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first
boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad
owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied:
"That's nothin'. My dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my
grandma that the elders of our church gave it to him last night."
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender
informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to
drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk
to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the
floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into
the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs
saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Gregory J. Oras, 37, of Oldsmar, Florida
Called 911 for a ride to another bar
OLDSMAR, Fla. (AP) - Authorities say a Florida man who called
911 claiming he'd been beaten and shot at was hoping the tale
would get him a ride to a bar.
Instead, 37-year-old Gregory J. Oras is facing charges of misusing
the 911 system and battery of a law enforcement officer.
An arrest report says Oras called 911 three times before his arrest
early Tuesday in Oldsmar, northwest of Tampa. He told the
dispatcher he had a broken nose and bleeding ears, and claimed
people were shooting at him.
Authorities say he was actually looking for a ride to another bar.
The report also says Oras kicked a Pinellas County sheriff's deputy
in the knees and a Taser had to be used to subdue him.
Online records show he is being held at the Pinellas County Jail
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
Re: Laptop headphone jack
Dear Webby,
I have no sound (I wrote you about it before and it was just what you
thought. Where my headphones were plugged in, caused the problem.)
Of course it is connected to the Motherboard. Dell said for $449 they would
send me a new computer since my laptop is a 2004. They will put
Windows XP for me but they wanted $85 for Powerpoint. I can get that
free, I believe so told them no on that. Is it best to go to your tools and
download power point from there when my computer comes? Thanks
again for letting me "bug" you! I have certainly appreciated
your help in 2009 and know I will in 2010.
Happy New Year to you!!!
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn
That headphone socket, that is soldered onto the board, just
needs some tweaking with tweezers. It has some little "feelers",
little flat springs. They just need to be bent inwards a little bit,
and the sound will be fine again until the next time you have sex
on the desk. Ahem, I mean until next time you accidentally drop
the bible onto that corner of the laptop.
If you do buy a new laptop, keep in mind that in the low price
ranges the screens are sawed off!
The yuppies just need them as status symbols, like their fake
$19.95 Roleggs, and they don't care if the screen is sawed off.
Most of them hardly know how to use them anyway, they just
need something to carry around for show.
If you are used to a proper 4:3 screen, you will NOT be
amused or satisfied with a sawed off screen! (Wide Screen)
To test your bullshit-tolerance, put some wide duck tape or
masking tape over the bottom third of your monitor. If you tear
that tape off in less than an hour, don't buy anything with
"Wide Screen" written on it.
I and a few other people have been bitching about the sappy
wide screen BS for years, and they are reluctantly re-introducing
high resolution screens. They are still pricey, but they ARE
available again now. We will not have to wait until astronauts
walk on the moon again.
It would be to your advantage to stroke those little feelers a bit,
and make your current laptop last another year, until the prices
for high resolution screens come down again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He was surprised to see God Himself
at the Pearly Gates, but God explained that this was St. Peter's day off,
and that He, God would check him in and show him around.
Well, Heaven turned out to be everything the man had always been told:
angles flying around, playing harps, reading, and just enjoying the things
they had on earth. There were also pets there, and they were right by their
earthly masters.
Presently, God and the man arrive at a section of cubicles, and in each of
these cubicles, there resides one person. "What's this section Lord?" the
man asks.
"Oh this is the section for those people who think they're the only ones up
here!" the Lord answers.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Plant a Tree for Each Grandchild
We planted a tree as each of our grandchildren was born. We
took a picture of the child along with the tree as it was being
planted. We planted a Red Maple for our oldest grandson.
Thirteen years later, it is a beautiful sight, especially in the fall.
Our grandchildren range in age from 6 to 13 and I love to watch
the trees grow as they do.
By Tammie from Moody, AL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened
last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the
door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
So I said, "Of course, you can there," and shut the door."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One
day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited
accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew,
Little Johnny.
When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny
kneeling at the far side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was
the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example
and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Little
Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny. "The potty is on this side...."
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( 3.1 / 41 )
Thursday, December 31, 2009, 05:19 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 31, 2009
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
--- Lawrence Peter Berra
Few things help an individual more than to place
responsibility upon him, and to let him know that
you trust him.
---Booker T. Washington
Resolved, never to do anything which I should
be afraid to do if it were the last hour of my life.
--- Jonathan Edwards
I'm sort of a pessimist about tomorrow and
an optimist about the day after tomorrow.
--- Eric Sevareid
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these expensive
gloves?
A: Buy her a nice diamond ring.
"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last
night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from yelling for two hours."
A new secretary was confused about paying a bill,
so she asked me for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $23,540, minus 7%, how much would
you take off?" she asked me.
So I told her: "Everything but my glasses!"
Judging by how hard she threw the stapler at me, it seems
that was not quite the answer she expected.
Time to take down the Christmas lights!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Marguerite Engle, 45, of Rapid City, South Dakota
Driver Had .708 Blood Alcohol Content
Marguerite Engle.recorded a mind-boggling .708 blood alcohol
content after being arrested earlier this month when a state
trooper found her passed out behind the wheel of a stolen
truck. Engle's whopping BAC was measured by a Rapid City Police
Department chemist who tested a blood sample drawn from Engle
Engle is pictured below in a mug shot taken earlier this year
after she was arrested for assaulting a government employee
and being intoxicated and disruptive.
Engle was named in a two-count South Dakota Magistrate Court
indictment charging her with driving under the influence and driving
with a BAC beyond the .08 limit. A traffic ticket issued to Engle notes
that she "bonded out-hospitalized" after being collared in Sturgis
just before noon on December 1. Engle is also facing charges in
connection with her possession of the stolen vehicle.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sheila
Re: Can you fix laptop keys?
Dear Webby,
I have a few keys on my laptop that have become practically
useless, and some that are getting to be a real nuisance.
Can those keys be fixed, or is it time to retire that laptop?
Sheila
Dear Sheila
Just replace the keyboard!
Google for [name of your laptop] keyboard.
Chances are good that some people are selling those keyboards
on eBay or Amazon for $10 - $15, and you can also order them
from the manufacturer of the laptop.
Usually there is an instruction sheet included that shows you
how to replace it, but you can find that online too. It is actually
quite simple. In most cases you just pry the bezel or frame
up with a small, flat screwdriver, then undo two or four screws,
unplug the old keyboard, plug in the new keyboard, screw it down,
fiddle the bezel back on and press it down with a book, and
it's all done.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over
the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on College
Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Plowing has been completed. The six hundred and twentseven
students who went to move 26 cars can return to class now."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Fleece Throws for Warm Curtains
For really frugal and warm curtains, I purchased two of those
fleece throws that are on sale for under $5 and used the
inexpensive gold clips. The two throws fit a 76 inch picture
window nicely, and they come in dark colors also nice for
wintertime. Mine came with a nice cloth bow tied around it
which I used for tiebacks.
By Peggy from Canastota, NY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along
with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern
to him about our safety, with just us two working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving his hand.
"If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that
Susan knows karaoke."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use
a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to
begin his talk by saying in Spanish,
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did
not know the Spanish words for "ladies and gentlemen."
Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building
where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two
doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish what he theought was, "Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked.
The people seemed stunned.
He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they
hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him
that he had said,
"Good evening, toilets and broom closets!"
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Wednesday, December 30, 2009, 02:57 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 30, 2009
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that
within me there lay an invincible summer."
--- Albert Camus
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but
in looking outward together in the same direction."
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to make it permanent!"
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year,
turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor
stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress.
Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man
and God work together."
"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place
when God was running it alone."
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son
was going to.
"I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He
doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
Come on out and play!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Joseph Anthony and Lisa Hill in Chatanooga, Tennessee
Shoplifting scene turns chaotic at Chattanooga Wal-Mart
CHATTANOOGA — Chattanooga police say a couple they believe
was trying to steal a cart full of TVs and a computer caused
chaos at a local Wal-Mart.
According to a news release, Officer Josh Wright was off duty
when he saw a man trying to force his way past a greeter with
about $2,000 worth of stolen goods Sunday night. Wright
displayed his badge, but Joseph Anthony Hill said it was fake
and tried to force his way by Wright as well. Wright then
tackled Hill and arrested him.
Then Hill’s wife, Lisa Hill, feigned a heart attack and said she
did not know her husband.
After a witness told Wright the couple had been together in
the store, Lisa Hill followed the witness into the parking lot
and attacked her. The witness defended herself by stabbing Lisa
in the arm with a pocketknife.
Lisa Hill had to be treated at a local hospital.
Joseph Anthony Hill is charged with theft over $1,000 and
assault on a police officer. Charges against Lisa Hill are
still being totaled up.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rose
Re: Obsolete addresses
Dear Webby,
Merry Christmas. My address book is getting filled with a
lot of e-mails that I don't know what they are. Can I delete
them without losing something important on my computer?
Rose
Dear Rose,
Yes, sure you can dump them. You can also weed out the
Auto-Complete.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about
declining health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I almost
couldn't afford cigarettes any more!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Clearance Wallpaper for Shelf and Drawer Liners
I buy wallpaper on clearance for about $2.00 a double roll
and I use it for shelf paper and drawer liners. You can do
a large kitchen and all your dressers with just 1 double
roll. Department stores put it in the clearance bin because
the leftover rolls are not enough to paper most rooms,
so they get stuck with it and practically give it away.
You can use double face tape, staples or tacks to
secure it if you need to. (I usually don't) I look for quiet
solids or prints, if you look around you can sometimes
find the nice heavy vinyl paper, but even the paper
rolls are all washable these days. I usually buy it when
I find it and put it away until I need it. So next time you
see it in the clearance bin pick some up.
By Diane from Rochester Mi
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Lola is on the phone, "Hello? Pizza Shack? Do you have
anything on special?"
From the other end of the line comes, "Yeah, our veggie
haters delight.
It has twelve kinds of meat and five different cheeses.
Lola asks, "Does anything come with that?"
"A map to the fitness club."
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( 2.9 / 43 )
Windows Live Mail problem on Quest
Tuesday, December 29, 2009, 04:23 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 29, 2009
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that
One useless man is a shame,
Two is a law firm and
Three or more is a congress.
--- John Adams
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all
the other alternatives.
--- Abba Eban
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his
questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
Here is an annual favorite:
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for
about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Q :What's the difference between the Government and the
Mafia?
A: One of them is accused of being organized.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Kip William Keifer, 31, of Madison Heights, Michigan
Caught burglaring a cop's house
MADISON HEIGHTS, Mich. -- A 31-year-old man is charged with
breaking into the home of a Ferndale police officer.
Madison Heights police said the officer's 19-year-old daughter
called to report the break-in at their home in the 28000 block
of Alden Street about 4:40 a.m. on Dec. 18.
The daughter told police she was watching television on the
home's lower level when she saw a man she didn't know come
down the stairs. Police said the daughter used her cell phone
to call her father, who was sleeping upstairs.
Police said the girl's father, who is a Ferndale police officer,
chased the home invader down the street and was able to hold
him until police could arrest him.
Kip William Keifer, of Madison Heights, has been charged
with first-degree home invasion and given a $1 million bond.
Police said he stole some money of a shelf in the home, but
it was recovered when he was caught by the homeowner.
His preliminary exam is scheduled for Jan. 6.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Laverne
Re: Windows Live email problem on Quest
Dear Webby,
OK I added humor@webby.com to my address book and also on
my email added site to come in with special color. Checked and
could not see where it is blocked, I still don't receive it.
I have vista, windows live email, AVG virus program, have
checked it and don't see any thing to block it. How do I white list
it like you suggested?
Laverne
Dear Laverne
White-List is the same as Friend's List.
You can try contacting Quest support,
and tell them that the Humor letter jumps through all 20 hoops to stay
"The Good Example" for newsletters:
1) Listed Sender ID,
2) Permanent IP address,
3) Proper SPF record,
4) Matching forward and reverse DNS,
5) Approved privacy policy,
6) Full contact information,
7) Strictly Double Opt-In,
8) Not on any blacklist,
9) Uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming,
10) Is family safe
11) Has live, same day response to replies
12) Has an on-line copy that is top listed at Google AND Bing
13) Unsubscribe link at the bottom of every newsletter
14) More than 10 year history of compliance to Best Practises
15) Works fine with all competent mail services
16) Does not have any attachments
17) Does not burden email with embedded pictures or movies
18) Calls pictures from a properly identified server with matching
forward and reverse DNS and SPF record
19) Does NOT send solo ads or ANY advertising mails to subscribers
20) Is listed with the Ezinefinder (http://ezinefinder.com)
Quest Support should be able to tell you what to do.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live
very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.
"Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals,
and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are
going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat
cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of
breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you
have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to
buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm
going to live longer this way?"
"No, you will probably die a lot sooner,
but whatever time you live,
I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Cereal For Crumb Crusts
Left over or stale sweetened cereals can be crushed and
made into crusts for ice cream and other fruit flavored
cream pies,also chocolate cereals for other flavors.
Stale cheetos, corn chips, potato chips, can be used to
top casseroles, coat chicken and thicken soups and
sauces. Source: just my old cheapskate self
By Eula from Killeen, Texas
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After a recent move, I made up a list of companies,
agencies, and services that needed to know my new
address and phoned each one to ask for the change
to be made.
Everything went smoothly until I called one of my
frequent flier accounts.
After I explained to the representative what I wanted to
do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that
over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of
address form."
"How do I get one of those?" I asked.
"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said
pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I
can mail it to you?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Judy went to get her hair cut. The hairstylist cut for about
thirty minutes, hands her a mirror, and asked,
"How do you like it?"
Judy replied, "It's nice, but could you make it just a little
longer in the back?"
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Monday, December 28, 2009, 03:02 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, December 28, 2009
I have given two cousins to war
and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
--- Artemus Ward
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
--- Wilson Mizner
Charm is the quality in others
that makes us more satisfied with ourselves.
--- Henri-Frédéric Amiel
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff
several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery
was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several
monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously,
the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that
the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely,
"Usually right after it breaks."
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that
her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said,
"I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked
puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
Children's Unions went on strike today in Oklahoma, refusing to play with
their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during
the Christmas school break. Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City
7th grader, said,
"This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and
now, you know, this storm could have, like, waited until we, you know, got
back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know,
totally bogus."
In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be
granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school
breaks.
Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch
a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given
real reasons to whine about!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to an armed robber in Colchester, Essex, England
Robber sticks around for a meal
A DOZY robber was nicked while scoffing a chicken dinner at
a restaurant he held up at gunpoint 20 minutes earlier.
The 38-year-old is accused of stealing several hundred pounds
after waving an airgun at terrified staff.
But he then sniffed the tasty aromas at the Southern Fried
Chicken branch and demanded: "Give me one of those Hunga
Busta Meals too."
He sat down to eat the meal and was still tucking in when armed
cops alerted by staff burst into the diner in Colchester, Essex.
An Essex police source said: "We've come across some stupid
criminals in our time but this beats all. Normal practice is to grab the
cash and run. But this man was obviously controlled by his belly
rather than his brain.
"After running in with a hoodie and scarf hiding his face, he took
them both off to stuff his face with chicken.
"The staff he'd just waved a gun at were gobsmacked.
"He sat there eating for 20 minutes so they had tons of time to dial 999.
Staff thought it was a bizarre TV stunt."
The man, a double glazing salesman who cannot be named,
is charged with possessing a weapon in a public place, theft
and using threatening behaviour in a public place.
He has been bailed to appear at Chelmsford Crown Court on
January 4.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Annette
Re: Moving the task bar
Dear Webby,
I hope you had a good Christmas and stayed warm. It was cold
here in Tx. where I live , I dont like the cold weather,
warmer the better. I appreciate all the help you have given
me in the past! well I have a problem I cant fix today,
will you help me? my bottom task bar is at the top again,
I have tried clicking and dragging it to the bottom, doesnt
work, can you tell me another way to get things back in
place? any info. will be appreciated. thanks and I hope you
have a very Happy New Year, Annette.
Dear Annette
No Gullible Warming in Texas either?
Re the task bar: Close all programs or minimize them.
If you still have the "Show Desktop" icon, you can use that
to minimize everything with one click. If you lost it, here is
how to restore it:
Click Start, click Run, type notepad in the Open box,
and then click OK.
Carefully copy and then paste the following five lines
into the Notepad window:
[Shell]
Command=2
IconFile=explorer.exe,3
[Taskbar]
Command=ToggleDesktop
On the File menu, click Save As, and then save the file to
your desktop as "Show desktop.scf". The Show desktop
icon is created on your desktop.
Click and then drag the Show desktop icon to your
Quick Launch toolbar near the START button.
OK, now you got some elbow room. Right-click on an empty
grey spot on the task bar, and take the checkmark off
"Lock task bar".
Next, click and hold that same empty grey spot, and drag the
task bar to wherever you want it. It doesn't drag smoothly,
but appears to stay glued until your cursor has reached another
monitor edge. Then it snaps to that edge.
Once you got it where you want it, lock the task bar again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings.
As the young lady admired the platinum and diamond ring she had
chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything
special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to
protect a fancy wedding ring like that is to never take it off and
to soak it in dishwater for three minutes three times a day."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Spaghetti Cooking Water to Wash Greasy Dishes
Save your spaghetti water and wash your greasy dishes with it.
The flour in the water somehow causes oil and grease to get
trapped, and you don't have to scrub as much.
By Tim from Science Hill, KY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his
adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they
love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly
of certain animals?
And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire,
then smear it with a greasy and sticky mess they extract from
smashed nuts of some kind?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism,
the explorer added softly,
"What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs
and toast with peanut butter."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A lady called Delta and asked for a reservation from Los
Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full
with baggage and passengers.
"How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" asked the clerk.
"With or without clothes?" the passenger asked.
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
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( 2.9 / 47 )
Sunday, December 27, 2009, 02:47 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, December 27, 2009
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
--- Michel de Montaigne
"Either you run the day or the day runs you."
--- Jim Rohn:
Imelda reported for her University PHD final examination
which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she
is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am
rechecking my answers, and half of them are wrong !"
An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter
and began asking a passenger the required security questions.
"Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry
aboard the airplane today?"
"No," said the woman.
"Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired,
pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag.
"Yes," she answered.
"Has your bag been under your control since you've been
in the airport?"
"Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh.
"The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way,
or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control."
In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."
hand written underneath:
"Socks can eat any place they want."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Von Nicholas Stevens, 39 of Townsend, Montana
Drunk fakes report of being shot
An intoxicated Townsend man is being charged for numerous
offenses, including lying to officials about being shot.
Officials responded to a 911 call about an apparent shooting
Tuesday night. A female caller said Von Nicholas Stevens, 39,
was headed to St. Peter’s Hospital with a gunshot wound,
Broadwater County Sgt. Nick Korthals said.
Korthals said he informed members of the Helena Police
Department, Lewis and Clark County Sheriff’s Department,
and hospital personnel who were on hand waiting at the
emergency room.
Stevens never arrived at the hospital.
Korthals contacted Stevens by phone. He said he’d run out of
gas near Lakeside and was shot and in pain. Stevens told the
alleged victim to stay where he was and someone would be
out to get him.
Medical personnel arrived on the scene and found a small
scratch on Stevens’ ear and some dried blood, but no sign
of a gunshot wound.
Korthals said he had several deputies interview people who
had been with Stevens at some point throughout the night,
but no one mentioned shots being fired. Stevens accused a
man of shooting him. That man can be seen on video
surveillance cameras at a local Helena sports bar during the
time of the alleged shooting, Korthals said.
“Mr. Stevens continued to change his story,” Korthals said.
Stevens was charged with driving with a suspended license
and is scheduled to appear in court on Monday. Korthals said
more charges are pending and he anticipates citing Stevens
for obstructing justice and false reporting, and DUI, etc,
but the investigation is ongoing.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Patti
Re: Dumped and lost icon
Dear Webby,
There was a new icon on my desktop toolbar that was really bugging
me so I went to control panel and unloaded it. OOPS, now I can't play
my music. Apparently realtek high definition something or other is what
drives the CD's. Dummy that I am, I have no idea how to get it back.
Can you help - Please. Thanking you advance,
Patti
Dear Patti
Search for that program.
If you didn't change the defaults in your Windoze to something smarter,
it probably dumped it into the dumbest place possible: C:\Program Files
If you have a smart set-up, it would be in E:\TOOLS or similar place.
Find the program, look for an exe file,but not the setup.exe, and try
starting the program with it. Once you have found the right file,
make a shortcut to it, and drag it onto the desktop.
if you can't find that file, then you completely UN-installed it, and
have to download it again. If you bought that program, then you
should still have a payment receipt with download instructions
and possibly a registration key.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Before Linda got married, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting
her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending
to marry?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Getting The Most Of Your Post-Christmas Shopping
The Christmas frenzy frenzy is over and retailers are still
trying to move merchandise from their shelves. Now is the time
to shop if you can think ahead some. I gather up my discount
bucks I got from buying before Christmas. While I was out
before Christmas, I gave out my email address and got
more online coupons. Any special day passes I may have
gotten, I get that too. Just to make it a little bit better, I
can shop on senior citizen day and take my mother or
sister. A recent trip to a popular department store had
me buying Christmas and Thanksgiving items at 95% off.
Seasonal items will be the heaviest discounted. Avoid
food items because they will not save well. Wrap scented
candles in cellophane and store in a cool place to extend
their scent.
By Morganna from Anderson, IN
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The 75-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than
anyone I know. Must be many hundreds!"
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got
from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Naw," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."
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Saturday, December 26, 2009, 03:43 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
--- Murphy
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling
- live your life so that when you die, you're smiling
and everyone around you is crying
--- Socratex
"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year
as a people", the Hebrew teacher informed his class.
"Consider that the Chinese have observed only
their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered,
"Well for one thing, the Jews had to do their counting
without a Chinese abbacus for 1063 years."
B.S. Newswire Report
A UN arranged Christmas prisoner exchange was
completed today when the Mexican Border Patrol
handed over Joseph Dinkerton, an American citizen,
who was captured in July, 2009 trying to sneak into
Mexico.
In exchange the INS handed over 220,236 illegal
Mexican citizens apprehended last week by the
US Border Patrol.
This Christmas prisoner exchange was observed
by "Human Rights Watch," whose spokesman said,
"This will go a long way to reduce future border
infractions between the USA and Mexico."
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's
try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Brooke R. Molina, 28, of Nevada City, Calif., and
Brianna N. Berban, 22, Ojai, Calif.,
Too fast for hauling dope
Two California women were taken into custody when a state
trooper reportedly discovered about 20 pounds of marijuana
hidden in luggage and wrapped Christmas presents inside
their vehicle on Interstate 44 in Jasper County.
The Missouri State Highway Patrol said a 2009 Ford Escape
bearing Nevada registration was stopped for speeding at 7:37 a.m.
Tuesday near the 13-mile marker of I-44.
The driver, Brooke R. Molina, 28, of Nevada City, Calif., and passenger
Brianna N. Berban, 22, Ojai, Calif., were arrested after a search of the
vehicle. They were taken to the Jasper County Jail in Carthage and
charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to
distribute.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Olivia
Re: Christmas Caked computer
Dear Webby,
Nobody in our extended family likes those brick shaped
Christmas cakes, so they are usually just covered with a fresh
layer of giftwrap, and put away until next December, with a tag
for the biggest cheapskate of this Christmas. Yes I have
occasonally gotten a well traveled cake too, but not lately,
and since it probably would have destroyed the shredder at
the municial dump, I passed it on the next Christmas.
Now there is a new wrinkle to that old tradition: A sawed off
laptop. It is as wide as a regular laptop, but the screen is
only 2/3 as tall as a regular screen. According to the sticker
on it, it originally came with Vista, but then my useless
son in law put Windows 7 on it and caked ME with it!
My nine year old XP runs circles around it. I format and
re-install XP every three years and as per your advice, keep
unnecessary crap off it, as if it was an industrial work
machine. I am quite happy with it for a home machine, but
occasionally a little travel machine would be handy.
I bought a spare XP CD before the prices went up, but
I have no clue about where to get XP drivers for it or how
to install them. . Should I try anyway, or just cake it next
Christmas?
Olivia
Dear Olivia
What a delightful tradition!
Chances are pretty good, that you won't have any driver hassle.
If you do, contact Jerome@ spiritscents.com. Even if you
have to pay him for an hour of work, he can do that over
the net and fix it up like it was factory pre-loaded with XP.
I realize that the sawed off screen is a nuisance, but on short
trips you can probably put up with that.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said,
"Men, before anything more is said, I would like to
clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR
ship."
From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Hey buddy,
wanna buy my share of a nice, big ship?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reusing Wrapping Paper
If you get a gift that is wrapped with beautiful paper or a
beautifully decorated gift bag with lovely tissue paper but
it's all crumpled and creased, here's a way to make it look
practically like new again. Iron it! Ironing with a medium
hot iron and steam will take almost all the wrinkles and
creases out and make it reusable. Caution: Keep the iron
moving on the paper or it will burn.
By Kalene from Oregon City
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down
behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree
stump.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
A couple of miles down the road, Red Riding Hood
sees the wolf yet again, this time crouched down
behind a rose bush.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
The irritable, Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you kindly get lost and stop peeking into every
outhouse I go to?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Nancy got lost in her car in a snow storm.
She remembered what her dad had once told her.
"If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow
plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to
follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five
minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her
what she was doing. She explained that her dad had
told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
plow. The driver nodded and said,
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you
can follow me over to K-Mart"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
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