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It's Tuesday, February 9, 2010

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. --- Sean O'Casey Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. --- Phyllis Diller
The basketball coach stormed into the University President's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an example." The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Three minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the University President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," she reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Roger Mayes, 49, of Pinson, Alabama Can't cope with gas station PINSON, Ala. (UPI) -- Police in Alabama said a man drove his truck through a gas station's plate-glass window because he was angry about a pre-pay-only pump. County resident Roger Mayes, 49, was charged with attempted murder, Jefferson County Chief Deputy Randy Christian said Police said Mayes angrily stormed into the BP service station convenience store in Pinson about 6:45 a.m. Sunday and complained the pump he was trying to use was not turned on, The Birmingham (Ala.) News reported Wednesday. Christian said the service station had a pre-pay only system because of too many pump-and-runs, and Mayes's pump had not been turned on because he hadn't paid yet. "You are going to die and go to hell," the chief deputy quoted Mayes as telling the store clerk. Investigators said Mayes left the store, got back into his 2001 Ford Explorer and drove the sport utility vehicle through the window of the shop, crashing through the coffee counter and cashier's counter. "If the clerk had not jumped out the way, he would have run over the clerk," Christian said. Mayes was subdued with a stun gun after he attempted to charge an arresting deputy, police said. He was charged with attempted murder and resisting arrest and jailed on $63,000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Text too small Dear Webby, I've read your site for quite a while & truly love it. I have a question I hope you can give an easy solution to. I lost use of my computer a few weeks ago & it had to be completely restored. That is done, but I'm trying to find out how to enlarge the text. Before it died on me, I had an icon allowing me to enlarge the text, but that is no longer there. Is there a way I can enlarge it on my own? Many thanks for any help you're able to give me. I am not too computer literate but am able to follow easy directions. Eileen Dear Eileen RIGHT Click on the desk top Properties Settings Advanced General and in there choose a larger or CUSTOM setting for the fonts. In a browser you can also usually hold down CTRL and roll the scroll wheel on the mouse to zoom font sizes. Have FUN! DearWebby
The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 25 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 130 degrees, 15 minutes West longitude...?" After a confused silence and a glance at Google Earth, Morris replied, "I guess you'd be eating alone. That's halfway to Hawaii, and I can't swim."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Safe and Friendly Drain Cleaner To safely clean drains, I pour baking soda into the drain followed by table salt. If the clog isn't bad, I just use cold water to flush it down. If the clog is bad, you will need to use boiling water. Since this will not harm pipes or the environment, you can use this weekly to keep drains from becoming clogged. By Kris from New Albany, IN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink. She said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup." There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention.Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly." Bill, his father in law replied: "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
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A study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (ASA) today showed that over 40% of the practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind. A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive drug-therapy. ----- You gotta be nuts to go see a shrink! (Beetle Bailey)

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