Save all bookmarks at once
Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 05:03 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A computer will not make a good manager out of a
bad manager. It makes a good manager better faster
and a bad manager worse faster.
---Edward M Esber
"Manners are like the zero in arithmetic; they may not
be much in themselves, but they are capable of
adding a great deal to the value of everything else."
--- Freya Stark
Two campers are walking through the forest when
they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear
rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar.
They're both frozen in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my
running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing,
you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the
second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun
YOU," he answers, as he takes off.
Overheard in the elevator:
Two sure ways to spot a REALLY sexy man (or
woman)
The first is, he (or she) has bad memory.
......
I forgot the second.
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Travis Lloyd Kevie, 29, in Penryn, California
Man broke into bar, served patrons
PENRYN, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Penryn, Calif., said a
transient who is well known to deputies broke into a bar and
served customers for a couple of days before being found out.
The Valencia Club went out of business in June but Travis
Lloyd Kevie, 29, opened it back up July 16, complete with an
"Open" sign in the window, the Sacramento Bee reported.
Kevie served an estimated 30 customers a day during the
weekend, the newspaper said.
The reopening apparently was newsworthy in the area, as
the Auburn (Calif.) Journal even carried an item in which
Kevie was quoted as saying it was "a dream come true" for
him to operate the club.
Placer County Sheriff's Detective Jim Hudson happened to
see the news item and recognized Kevie. Hudson went to
the club Wednesday and determined Kevie had no liquor
license. Kevie was arrested on suspicion of burglary and
selling alcohol without a license, the Bee said.
Kevie had worked on a crew brought in to clean the building
after the Valencia Club was shut down.
Investigators said Kevie bought a six-pack of beer at a
convenience store and then used money from selling the
beer to buy more alcohol -- continuing to build the business
until he had "10 to 12 bottles of hard liquor and a couple
of cases of beer."
Police said they confiscated a large of amount of cash and
alcohol from the bar.
If he had obtained a license, he would have gotten away with
it at least until rent was due.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jai
Re: Saving FireFox bookmarks
Dear Webby
I have been trying to save all my bookmarks, and I cannot
figure it out. Saving one by one would be time consuming,
do you know a shortcut?
Thanks again,
Jai
Dear Jai
1. Open Firefox.
2. Select Bookmarks > Organize Bookmarks.
3. The Bookmarks Manager opens. Click File > Export…
4. Save the bookmark.html file wherever you wish. Desktop, CD,
Floppy, Memory Stick, Online, anywhere.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas
station. After he had paid and driven away, he
realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car.
He stopped and looked and, yes, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other
people must have done the same thing, and that it
was worth going back to look by the side of the road
since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he
might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he
found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place
with a satisfying click.
"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found
another one that fits. And this one's even better,
because it locks ..."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Avoid Watering Down Your Summer Drinks
Instead of watering down your soft drinks with ice cubes,
I use soda that has gone flat and freeze it in an ice cube
tray. I also make extra iced tea, and do the same thing.
Never again do I have watery drinks. Try it. It will make
a big difference.
By Wayne from St Albans, NY
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room
suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the
salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can
afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down
payment...
then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips
and demanded: "Who told you about us?"
 Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
Officers at a military installation were being lectured
about a new computer. The training officer said the
computer was able to withstand nuclear and
chemical attacks, was shock proof to 60 G, could be
driven over and even dropped from a plane.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of
coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking
in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
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Clean your computer for better speed
Monday, July 26, 2010, 05:08 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, July 26, 2010
Baseball is like church. Many attend,
few understand.
--- Leo Durocher
I'm a philosophy major.
That means I can think deep thoughts
about being unemployed.
--- Bruce Lee
Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping
address of their customers to make them fit on the printed
labels. However, the Assembly Of God Church aparently was
not amused when the label on their box displayed,
"Ass Of God Church".
It was little Harry's first visit to the country, and
feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Late one evening he caught his first glimpse of a
peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread
beautifully in all its glory.
Rushing indoors excitedly, Harry called out for
his grandma. . . .
"Gramma, Gramma, come see! Come see!" he exclaimed.
"One of your chickens is in bloom!"
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.
|
Large version of the picture
Dad hiked over a mountain and came down from the pass into a
mountain village, where they happened to have a horse & carriage
parade. So he took a whole bunch of pictures. I put them up onto
his site at http://dawna.com
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to three women in Springfield, Missouri
Diners flee without paying, but forget purses
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. (AP) - A dine-and-dash escapade went bad
when two of the fleeing diners left their purses behind. The
Springfield News-Leader reported that no charges had been
filed as of midweek against the three women who ran from a
Waffle House restaurant Sunday morning without paying their
$39 bill. The general manager said the women seemed
intoxicated or under the influence of drugs.
The Springfield paper said a short time after fleeing, one of
the women returned to the store and demanded the purses.
The manager said he told the woman she needed to wait for
police to arrive, but she ran.
A police report said the purses contained identifying documents,
along with what appeared to be a check stub from another
Waffle House in Arkansas.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: D.
Re: Computer cleaning controversy
Dear Webby
I remember you usually rant and rave and get quite obnoxious,
when anybody mentions using compressed air for cleaning.
Got a mail where somebody suggests unplugging the computer
and using compressed air and a paintbrush to clean the inside.
What's the official word?
D.
Dear D.
Anybody who suggests unplugging a computer for cleaning,
has not yet graduated from cleaning toasters.
If you unplug your computer, then there is nothing to drain
the static electricity to safe ground. Turn it off, sure, but
leave it plugged in! That way, all the static on you from
dragging the cats across the carpet, is safely conducted
away and zeroed the moment you touch the case.
Don't worry, there is no dangerous electricity in the computer,
ecept in that shiny, pop-riveted power supply box in the corner.
The same goes for the vauum cleaner hose. Any static that
may be on it, is safely zeroed though YOU, even if you don't
first touch the outside of the case with it, because most
likely you got the other hand resting on the computer case,
and not combing your bee-hive wig while cleaning the computer.
Using compressed air is only recommended by compressed
air salespeople, those, who want to sell you a new computer,
optometrists who want to get paid for digging grit out of your
eyes, and juveniles, who get off on "huffing" canned air.
Unlike a vacuum cleaner, compressed air does not get rid
of anything. It just temporarily moves it out of sight, or
into your eyes. That is rather silly, even when cleaning
toasters.
After vauuming out the dust bunnies and dust, do NOT try
to generate static by stroking the plastic CPU fan shroud
with a paint brush! Try those experiments with your cats
instead.
Unclip the fan shrouds. That can be a bit tricky, similar to
opening child proof medicine bottles and may have to be
delegated to a kid. However, they ALL unclip without fancy
tools, if you gently push in the right places.
Then take the shroud and fan/heatsink assembly out and
vacuum it thoroughly. Often the heat sink has a white grease
on one side, where it touches the CPU. Try not to get that
side dirty or cleaned off. It does need that heatsink grease.
If you accidentally cleaned it off, you can get tiny tubes of it
at the Radio Shack, electronics stores and many computer
stores. You don't need a lot of it, just enough to level the
microscopic imperfections in the surface of the chip. Half
a match-head is usually too much.
If the heat sink, that shiny ribbed piece of metal, is clogged
or dirty, clean it with a Q-Tip and Windex until it looks shiny
and new again. Your CPU is only as good as the heat sink
allows it to be. If it is dirty or clogged, the CPU heats up and
shifts down in speed. All the silly speeder-upper software
in the world won't accomplish what a minute or two with a
wet Q-Tip can do.
If the CPU fan blades are dirty, clean them the same way.
It runs a lot quieter when the blades are clean and shiny.
Then snap the heat sink / fan assembly back on, snap the
shroud over it, check all the pretty colored cables to make
sure they are still firmly plugged in, and close the lid.
That is all there is to it.
If you do have some cans of compressed air sitting around,
empty them out the window and heave them into the garbage,
so that they will never tempt a juvenile to experiment how
close to dying they can get with huffing.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Mother had decided to trim her household budget
wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-
cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings,
she boasted to my father,
"Just think, Fred, we are fifteen dollars
richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it five more
times and we can pay the phone bill!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Share Your "Buy One Get One Free" Purchases
If you take advantage of the buy one get one free option
(when it truly is a bargain) offered in some stores, why not
think about sharing the second one with an elderly neighbor
trying to live on a fixed income, or the family down the
street who's trying to make it on unemployment through
job loss?
Sharing works both ways, and you never know when you
may need a helping hand yourself.
By Marie from West Dundee, IL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She
answered all his questions except one. She refused
to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker,"
he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their
ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he intoned as he wrote on his form.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
A fifth grader looked down, so her teacher asked,
"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework
again."
"Well, uh, yes it is," replied Carol. "I made my
homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the
teacher, "but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper
and hand it in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even
sadder. "You see, Johnny hijacked the plane, and
handed it in as HIS homework!"
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Sunday, July 25, 2010, 05:16 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, July 25, 2010
Progress is made by lazy men looking for
an easier way to do things.
--- Socratex
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a
pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you
bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way: He orders three pints
and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall
silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a
light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. It's just me, I have
quit drinking."
On her first day the new kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two
fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How
will that help?"
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody
right now. Might come in handy in the future!
Up to 5,400 times cheaper than a divorce.
Click Here!
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Last day for this offer. This is a book that should be in every
home, just in case. I sincerely hope, you don't pass on this.
Large version of the picture
That looks like the spot in the Little Colorado Canyon, where
I lost my yellow cap.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Danny Noel Riggs, 42,
Tip Toe Tanning owner arrested for burglary of customers' vehicles
FORT WALTON BEACH — The owner of Tip Toe Tanning was
arrested Thursday after video footage revealed him burglarizing
customers’ vehicles, according to lawmen.
Danny Noel Riggs, 42, is charged with five counts of burglary,
according to a news release from n Okaloosa County Sheriff’s
Office.
Deputies received complaints from Riggs’ customers who suspected
him of stealing money and other items from vehicles parked at his
business on Beal Parkway.
On Thursday, an undercover unit used video surveillance to record
Riggs burglarizing two vehicles. One of them belonged to an
undercover officer, the release said.
The officer went to Tip Toe Tanning and paid to use a stand-up
tanning booth. The officer then placed her bag and money in
the car, the release said.
Riggs entered the car and stole $60 cash and $10 in change,
the release said.
After burglarizing the vehicle, Riggs went back into the tanning
salon, where another deputy arrested him. He had the $70 and
keys to the woman’s car in his hands at the time, according to
the Sheriff’s Office.
-------------------
What puzzles me is why anybody in that part of Florida would
need a tanning booth, unless they are fresh out of jail. Streaking
across the parking lot or three minutes on a lawn at lunch
time, should get anybody there a tan, if not a sunburn!
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Verna
Re: OE mail has disappeared
Dear Webby
All of a sudden all my filed and unanswered OE emails have
disappeared. Poof. Gone. They are not in the Recycle bin
or anywhere that I can find them. Some of them are memos
I sent to myself with vital info, that I still have to work on
or print. I NEED to get that mail back!
Verna
Dear Verna
With OE, that is normal and to be expected, and why I don't
recommend it. OE and Outlook have done that for the last
15 years and I get letters like yours all the time.
Some people say, that you can postpone the inevitable by
keeping the IN, OUT and TRASH boxes as close to empty
as possible.
It IS possible that Microsoft has figured out how to retrieve
all that mail. Try contacting their support.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A famous art collector is walking through the city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a
saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take. He recognizes that the saucer is
extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually
into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat
around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you fifty
dollars for that cat."
And the owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the fifty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The
cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a
dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight stray
cats."
The cat came back half an hour later.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Very Young Kids Can Write Books
I was totally surprised when my granddaughter, who is 6,
showed me a stack of six books she'd written. She came up
with the idea herself to write and illustrate her own series of
books. She uses only computer paper, colored pens and a
paperclip to hold each book together.
She came up with this on her own, but when she brought them
to kindergarten the teacher liked them so much, she had the
whole class make their own. Each book is about a cat or dog
she or a friend owns. But your child's books could be about
anything! She also numbers each book (Book #1 "Smokey the
Dirty Cat") and numbers the pages, then on the back she lists
each book in the her series. If she can't write up everything by
herself, she tells her mother what to write.
Me, being an artist, I get the biggest kick out of her illustrations!
I'm sure she got the idea because her mother takes her to the
library and reads to her so often. (They are poor but rich!)
This could be a fun thing for you to do with your kids this summer,
make your very own books!
By Cyinda from near Seattle
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the
zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "Probably about a hundred feet,
unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
What do you get when you cross an insomniac,
an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering
if there really is a dog!
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Make pictures show in Gmail
Saturday, July 24, 2010, 05:24 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, July 24, 2010
A lot of people asked what that red icon,
that I put on top on Fridays, is about.
Well, first let me make it VERY clear, that it is
NOT political. It has nothing to do with Bush
deciding to fight the terrorists on THEIR home
turf instead of on yours,
and it has nothing to do with Obama being
against that and ordering the troops to use
"courageous restraint" and to turn the other cheek.
That icon is to remind us to show gratitude to the troops,
who risk their lives to do whatever they are told, to protect
us and our freedom. Not a gesture to politicians, just a simple
and quick gesture to show gratitude to the troops.
You can read more about it at http://snipurl.com/gratittude
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but
in looking outward together in the same direction."
--- Antoine de Saint Exupery
Thanks to Dianne for sending this story:
My wife has not spoken to me in three days.
I think it has something to do with what happened
on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise
downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter"? I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating
the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's
try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: NO, SIR!!!
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody
right now. Might come in handy in the future!
Up to 5,400 times cheaper than a divorce.
Click Here!
|
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture:
Large version of the picture
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to George Horn, 48, in Ft Lauderdale, Florida
Burglar used cross to pry open church poor boxes
JULY 20--A Florida man who used a crucifix to break into a
donation box at a Catholic church in Fort Lauderdale was
charged today with burglary in connection with the heist
last month. George Horn, 48, allegedly broke a window to gain
access to St. John's Catholic Church on June 26.
While inside, he took a crucifix from the altar and used it
as a pry bar to open the donation box under a stand filled
with devotional candles. Horn--crucifix in hand--was caught
on video by a church surveillance camera. Along with rifling
the candle box, Horn also broke into two church poor boxes,
according to a Fort Lauderdale Police Department report.
He was charged after police completed a probe that included
the recovery of DNA evidence from the crime scene, which
included a large amount of blood left behind by the burglar.
Horn is being held in the Broward County jail on the felony
count.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Laura
Re: Showing pictures in Gmail
HI, I just started getting your newsletter again. Not sure why I wasn't.
Anyway, in the meantime I have switched over to gmail. I have my
sympatico email redirected to my gmail. None of the graphics are
working in Gmail. Is there a setting I need to change to get them?
Thanks
Laura
Dear Laura
The browser "peeker" for Gmail can be configured to show pictures,
but it is just designed for quick and fast peeking from a slow
connection, away from your own computer. That is why the
default is set to not show anything, that would slow you down.
The best way to handle it is to
a) make a filter that tells Gmail to never trash or spam mail
from humor@webby.com, even if I talk about viruses or spam.
b) Set Gmail to POP
c) Set up your favorite email program (Eudora, ThunderBird,
Outlook, Outlook Express, whatever) to check laura*****@gmail.com
On those occasions, when you DO want images to show, while
you are just quickly peeking with the browser, just click on the
SHOW IMAGES link at the top of the email where you want to
see the pictures. It won't change the quick peeker into a full-featured
email program, it will just change the setting for that one email.
Just keep in mind that the browser based peeker was designed
to quickly check your email while standing at the contractor's
counter at the Home Depot and using the courtesy computer there.
It is fast, nothing gets downloaded into that machine, and all your
email stays on the server, so that you can pull it down with
Eudora or Outlook or whatever, when you get home.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A business executive who had retired last year was
discussing the joys of his new leisure time. He
remarked that he had been compelled to give up
skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.
"Afraid of injuries?" I asked.
"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag
a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be
messing up my golf game."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Store Cords in Toilet Paper Rolls
Organizing electrical extension cords when not in use. Save
empty TP rolls. Fold your cords in lengths of 8 inches and
insert each one in an empty TP roll. Write on the outside of
the roll with a permanent marker the length of the extension
cord inside of the roll. These will stack neatly in a small plastic
basket and you know what size of cord you are getting each
time.
By Marbilite from Indianapolis, Indiana
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A boss in California, to four of his employees: "I'm
really sorry, but I'm going to have to let at least one
of you go and I need you to supply me with a usable
solution immediately."
Female Employee: "I'm a woman."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you
with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your
head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then
responds: "I think I might be gay..."
So, without discriminating against any politically
protected group, he fired all four of them for "failure to
perform assigned duties,
like supplying him with a usable solution".
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane
on their way to visit some friends. They came to a
big, muddy hole in the road and the car became
bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car
out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming
down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The
farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble
and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was
free. The farmer turned to the husband and said,
"You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the
mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously
and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to
plough your land? You must do it at night."
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is
when I put the water in the hole."
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Friday, July 23, 2010, 03:43 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, July 23, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
God gave us memory
that we might have roses in December.
--- James Matthew Barrie
You can complain because roses have thorns,
or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.
--- Tom Wilson
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
--- Murphy
In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced
that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking
for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange,
they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an
hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to
take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat
down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter
announced:
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew
who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
At the supermarket parking lot I saw a lady who
seemed rather upset. When I asked her what was
wrong she said,
"I don't think I like that produce guy. I went
and looked around for organic vegetables for my
mother-in-law, but I couldn't find any. So I asked him
where the organic vegetables were.
"He didn't know what I was talking about so I said,
'These vegetables are for my mother-in-law. Have
they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
"And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that
yourself !'"
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody
right now. Might come in handy in the future!
Up to 5,400 times cheaper than a divorce.
Click Here!
|
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
Large version of the picture
Rosvik Norbotten, Sweden
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to a 17 year old boy in Leon, NY
Amish DUI chase
LEON-A 17 year old Amish teen from the Town of Leon is in
trouble after he led police on a chase through his town.
The teen was observed running a stop sign in his horse and
buggy. Sheriff's deputies tried to stop him, but he refused
to stop and a chase ensued for almost a mile. After making
an unsafe turn, the teen crashed the horse and buggy and
took off on foot.
He was later found, arrested and charged with underage
possession of alcohol, overdriving an animal, reckless
endangerment, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure
to yield to a emergency vehicle.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bob
Re: Making a desktop shortcut
Good Morning Webby,
Have a problem placing a short cut icon on my desk top.
I right click on a open spot on the site I want to make a
desk top short cut, but when a drop down menu appears
there is no wording that will allow me to make a short cut.
Is there another way in which I can
make a short cut icon on my desk top?
Thank you,
Bob
Dear Bob
Right-click on the desk top
NEW
Shortcut
Browse to the program or file that you want the shortcut to
NEXT
Type in a nickname for it
FINISH
You probably missed the NEW step.
There IS another way for URLs. Grab the littel icon on the
left side of the URL in the address bar, and drag that to an
empty spot on the desktop.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my
birthday," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first
time he saw him since then.
"It's the best birthday present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to
play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day
and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it
at night."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Recycle Plastic Bottles to Water Plants
When it comes to summer time and plants drying out, what
I find works is taking water bottles (like Perrier water bottles
found in the recycle box at work), filling them up with water,
and then sticking them in soil about 2-3 inches in the soil.
This lasts for about 4 days in containers.
For outdoor garden, I place it close to the plant and it last
about 3 days. As the soil drys it allows for air to be released
and allowing the water to fill up the spot where the air has
been created. No need to worry about overwatering with
this method, as gravity works its magic. No need to spend
money on glass balls for watering. If you want to decorate
them, modpoge them with tissue paper.
Source: My Mom
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said,
"Men, before anything more is said, I would like to
clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR
ship."
From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Hey, amigo,
wanna buy my nice, beeg ship?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the
field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field,
with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower
received a call from an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force, it is 15-oh-oh.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, it's 2 hours till Happy Hour.
If it is a Coast Guard plane, it's Mid Afternoon
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Friday Afternoon."
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More Charter.Net email problems!
Thursday, July 22, 2010, 03:32 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, July 22, 2010
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing
gained control of the country, it would probably fly
around in circles.
--- Pat Paulsen
You can't depend on your eyes
when your imagination is out of focus.
--- Mark Twain
Judi visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work.
An empty check stub later and off she was tearing
down the country lanes enjoying her beautiful new
car. The engine, though rather loud, was roaring
smoothly, music was blaring from the radio, what
could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine
and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and
lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that
she didn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily she
had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call
to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny
yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What
seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes
later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a
week do I have to do that?"
An elderly couple was sitting together watching
television. During a commercial, the husband asked
his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual
relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next
commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know.
I don't even think we got Christmas cards from them
this year."
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody right now.
Click Here!
Thanks to Lillemor for sending me a link to the story on a
Swedish newspaper.
Large version of the picture
A playful baby whale near Hermanus, a bit south-east
of CapeTown in South Africa.
Large version of the picture
The boat made it back to land with it's emergency engine.
The passengers, Ralph Mothes, 59, and Paloma Werner, 50,
were not injured.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Heath Cannon, 43, in Land O'Lakes, Florida
Man stole tractor to buy beer
LAND O'LAKES, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities in Florida said a man
pulled over on a stolen tractor told deputies he took the vehicle
to make a beer run.
The Pasco County Sheriff's Office said Heath Cannon, 43, was
pulled over on Wisteria Loop in Land O'Lakes at about 11 p.m.
Friday while driving a $15,000 tractor reported stolen from a
roadside construction site, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times
reported Wednesday.
Deputies said Cannon, who has previous convictions for theft,
loitering and prowling, smelled strongly of alcohol.
"I'm sorry, I drove the tractor to the RaceTrac to buy a beer,"
a sheriff's office report quotes Cannon as telling deputies.
Cannon was arrested in connection with the theft of the tractor
and charged with possession of burglary tools. He was taken to
the Land O'Lakes jail in lieu of $10,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carol
Re: Charter.net mail problems
Dear Webby,
Let me first say that I have enjoyed getting your newsletter
for the past few years and this old grandma has gotten a lot
of laughs and learned many things from you and your great
newsletter.
I have been trying on my end for the past few weeks to try to
solve the issue of not getting your newsletter daily. I have put
your newsletter on my white list in Charter, but that didn't work.
Tonight I spent over 45 minutes and two Charter "techs",
trying to solve the problem. The last one said that it has been
solved, so would you please send me one or two more issues
and I will watch for them. It is hard to explain to someone when
you can barely understand their broken English. At least I
could understand the second "tech" better. I hope that the issue
has been solved.
Thank you for your patience,
Carol
Dear Carol
I added you onto the list again,
but I can't guarantee, that the Taliban will allow you to have
your subscription for more than a day.
The Taliban were just playing stupid and wasting your time,
since they were very well aware of the situation.
Remember Deeli, who used to write the Kudos column?
She screeched a temper tantrum at those two idiots last
week. There is NO way they forgot her.
A bunch of other subscribers also wrote about yelling at
those two idiots. They have been shown No-Sub by lots of people,
and have been told numerous times that they have NO legitimate
excuse for bouncing your subscription.
However, apparently they get paid by the minute, that they
can waste people's time, so they play stupid.
Since you obviously can not rely on your email at Charter.net,
your best bet is to get a gmail address on the side, before
they censor your utility bills.
I sent Gmail invitations to another 50 Charter.net victims
today, after they got bounced off. Just set your Gmail to POP,
and process it with whatever email program you use anyway.
All email programs allow you to check more than one address
simultaneously. That has been standard for twenty years or
more.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
came home from school one day and
said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any
brothers or sisters."
"And what did she say when you told her you were an
only child?" his mom asked.
said, "Well, she just let out a deep
breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Extra Paper Petals for Confetti
When you're making flowers using paper sculpting or paper
quilling and find that you have extra petals, hold onto them and
use them as confetti at your next party. They're much easier
to sweep up.
By Angela L. from Sault Ste Marie, ON
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Young Aaron Finkelstein came home in great
excitement, saying, "Father! Father! On returning
from school , I ran home behind the bus all the way
and saved the fifty-cent bus fare."
The father replied by slapping the son on the cheek
as he shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run
behind a cab and save $15.00?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
The budding young Yuppette had been dating a
successful stockbroker for several months. Just
before his birthday she asked her Mother,
"Whatever can you give a man who has everything
for his birthday?"
Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied,
"Encouragement dear, encouragement."
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Mail with your address forged as sender address
Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 04:51 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, July 21, 2010
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it
is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by
something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
is another theory which states that this has already
happened.
--- Douglas Adams
Let's start with a Classic:
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains. He shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one
type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types. The
saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you
need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference
between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really simple."
The Catholic type supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the
Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot
of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her
son, Little Johnny, came running through the house,
BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the
pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think
of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he
said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were
one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church
secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said,
"Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what
did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I farted when I bent over
to feed the cat, and shot the canary."
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Lori Turner in Spartanburg, SC
Woman Shoved Sandwich In Her Pants
Spartanburg deputies handled an unusual complaint on Sunday
when McDonald’s employees said a woman caused a commotion
after she bought a sandwich and shoved it down her pants saying
her order had been shorted.
The woman, later identified as Lori Turner, bought two sandwiches
and two small coffees, employees said. They said the woman then
took one of the sandwiches and put it down the front her jeans,
and said that the employees owed her a free one.
Lori Turner
Employees said when Turner became belligerent, they called 911.
The responding deputy said he could hear Turner screaming
obscenities at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s.
The deputy asked Turner to step outside, and said he could see a
large grease stain on the front of her pants. He said that Turner
denied having the sandwich until a female officer arrived to search
her. The deputy said at that point, Turner pulled the sandwich out
of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car.
The deputy said Turner continued to shout profanities and smelled
of alcohol. She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct.
The McDonald’s refunded Turner’s money and had her put on a
trespassing order.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Aletta
RE: Mail not from me
Dear Webby
Previous email NOT from me. Do not open links.
I'm sorry. It appears that my account was hacked.
Aletta
Dear Aletta
I doubt anybody got a fake email from you.
Most likely you just received spam with your address forged
in as the sender. It is quite common for spammers to fake
your address into the FROM slot, by putting
!--@recipient-- into it,
and if you don't have MailWasher, it will look to you, as if you
had sent it while you were sleepwalking, or as if your machine
had been hacked and used for spamming.
All your contacts probably got the same spam with THEIR
address forged in as sender.
If you are concerned about that, get MailWasher. If not,
don't worry about it.
With MailWasher it is easy enough to make a filter, that dumps
mail like that unseen, right on the server. Because I have
used the same, unchanged addresses for so many years, I naturally
get a lot of spam. Currently about 12% of it is of that type,
but I never see it. I only know because of the pretty pie chart
in the MailWasher stats.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key."
"Welcome to hell, here's your harp."
---------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a
bagpipe?
A: Lawnmowers can be tuned.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use White Wine to Clean Red Wine From Clothing
About 35 yrs ago when I was in my 20's and going out dancing
a lot, I was a red wine drinker. I sometimes ended up spilling
more wine than I drank. A friend of mine told me how to get
red wine out of my white sweater coat. And it worked!
I put the sweater in the sink (with the plug in), and poured
some of a gallon of cheap white wine on it. You can see the
red wine disappearing instantly. It's like magic! Just keep a
jug of that cheap white wine on hand. I still use this method
after all these years later.
By Candace from Scottsdale, AZ
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed
into old slacks and a droopy blouse, put the green
mud-pack on her face, the teeth-whitening cartridge
in her mouth and proceeded to wash her hair and
stick curlers into it.
As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she
threw a towel over her head and stormed into their
room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard , her three-year-old
say with a trembling voice, "Who was that monfter ?"
-------------------
If you put "Ms Hortensia Penelope Widdlecrock-McIntire" into the
FIRST NAME or NICKNAME slot, when you signed up,
then that joke sounds rather silly. If you are ready to update
your first or nickname, hit reply and tell me!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his
parents went to town shopping. He decided to go
fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother
that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare
the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She thought the bait was
Sushi and ate it all."
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010, 04:59 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"A man may be a fool and not know it...
but not if he is married."
--- H.L. Mencken
"THE BUDGET SHOULD BE BALANCED,
THE TREASURY SHOULD BE REFILLED, PUBLIC DEBT SHOULD
BE REDUCED, THE ARROGANCE OF OFFICIALDOM SHOULD BE
TEMPERED AND CONTROLLED, AND THE ASSISTANCE TO
FOREIGN LANDS SHOULD BE CURTAILED LEST ROME BECOME
BANKRUPT. PEOPLE MUST AGAIN LEARN TO WORK, INSTEAD
OF LIVING OFF PUBLIC ASSISTANCE.”
--- Cicero, 55 BC (before the fall off the Roman Empire)
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic
hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
gently patting his hand. "We do need to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun
questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.
"But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not
spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please
send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station
saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's
life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Dmytro Petrychenko, 19, and Taras Sikalchuk, 20,
in Waukegan, Illinois
Porky Pig attacked at Six Flags
GURNEE, Ill. (UPI) -- Police in suburban Chicago say two Six Flags
Great America employees visiting the park on their day off
allegedly assaulted a worker dressed as Porky Pig.
Gurnee police said Dmytro Petrychenko, 19, and Taras Sikalchuk, 20,
allegedly hit the 24-year-old woman dressed as the "Looney Tunes"
character and quite defenseless in her costume, in the back
and front of her head 10 to 15 times after posing for a picture
with her, WMAQ-TV, Chicago, reported.
Police said both men, who are from Waukegan, were removed
from the park and issued battery citations, the Arlington Heights
(Ill.) Daily Herald reported.
The woman was taken to a first aid station, where she was treated
for head and neck pains and released.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sharon
RE: Can FieFox play wav files?
Dear Webby
Hello Webby......Thanks for the e-mails but now i need help Husband
down loaded Mozilla Firefox because you said it was good.Well i cannot
get my music to play from Marlene....Mama Rock....Missy Alighthouse.
which i have been able to in the pass.We have real player
installed....Quick Time Player also.My cd's play just fine just not
from the internet.
Can and well you help me fix this.
Thanks
*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨)¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤ Sharon
Dear Sharon
FireFox plays wav and any other music files just fine, if the
HTML is reasonably OK.
However, if the page uses the obsolete "bgsound" command,
that went out of fashion in the mid 90's, long before FireFox
came out, then you are out of luck. The same goes for Opera
and Chrome and most browsers.
The "bgsound" command works only in Internet Explorer and
has never been accepted by any of the other browsers,
because it is way too limited in scope.
If a page was written in those early days of the Internet,
by somebody who was a fanatic about allowing only IE and
no other browser, then you need to use IE, any version of it,
to listen to it.
You can run IE side by side with any other browser.
If the author of those old pages is still alive, you can suggest
to her or him to add code like this:
<.embed src="123.wav" autostart="false" loop="false"><./embed>
(Without the dots after the brackets. Those are just to make the
code visible instead of trying to play that music.)
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his
Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright
boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about
sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a
solution, please advise. I have the same problem
with his Father."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Your Oven Rack for Perfect Bread Slices
When slicing bread, I open my oven door, pull out the rack
and place the unsliced bread on the rack. I put a tea towel
on the open door, under the bread, to catch the crumbs that
fall through the rack. Then I slice the bread, using the rack
as a spacing guide, cutting between each rack slot. Perfect
slices every time!
Source: Me, who can't cut bread straight!
By Catastrofy from Winnipeg, Canada
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Every time the host needed something, he precede
his request to his wife by calling her "My Love",
"Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "that's really
nice after all of these years you've been married
to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I've forgotten
her name."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
A young woman came home and told her mom that
her steady boy friend had proposed, but she had
turned him down because she found out he was an
atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us,
we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
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Humor: Adjust page size on wide screen monitor
Monday, July 19, 2010, 04:59 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, July 19, 2010
"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they
want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell
the government what they want and their kids pay for it."
--- Richard Lamm
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with
vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon
meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner
waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did
they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy
slipping the seeds into their pockets."
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit
embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. Hilda
was like that. So when she and her new husband
husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there
was any way that they could make it appear that they
had been married a long time.
He responded, "Easy! Just carry your own suitcase."
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Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Ridgh Genesis Achille, 19, Alice Springs, Florida
Handcuffed man opened car door, escaped
ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, Fla. (AP) - Police in central Florida say
a man who was handcuffed somehow managed to open a police
cruiser's door and escape after complaining he was claustrophobic
and couldn't breathe.
Altamonte Springs police say the officer had opened the windows
slightly for 19-year-old Ridgh Genesis Achille, who had been
arrested Friday night on a shoplifting charge. On the way to the jail,
the man somehow opened the door from the outside and took off
running.
The Orlando Sentinel reports that officers, police dogs and even
a helicopter were still trying to find Achille on Saturday morning.
Instead of probation or a fine, he can now expect serious jail time.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Brenda
RE: Can you stretch a short monitor view?
Dear Webby
I have to fill in data on forms, but only at the top and bottom.
With these new wide screen monitors, or "sawed off" screens,
as you call them, the company forms don't fit on a page any
more. I have to take the hand off the keyboard, and waste time
mousing down to the bottom.
When I zoom the fonts so that the whole form fits on the screen,
the fonts are too small to read. Is there a way to stretch or
squish a page to make it as usable as it is on a regular monitor?
Thanks
Brenda
Dear Brenda
No, the only way that can be done is by redesigning the form.
If your old monitor has not been trashed or sold , you can
plug that one in, even to a laptop. For real work the sawed
off screens are a nuisance, and it will be years until all the
forms have been re-designed to make them shorter.
4:3 ratio LCD screens are becoming more available, especially
if you enter through the business entrance. They are still
a bit pricey, though.
In the meantime, you can skip to the end of the page with
CTRL END.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A couple with three children waited in line at San
Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip
to Alcatraz, the historic prison island. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation
as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched
one another.
The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally, they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said.
"Two round trip, three one way."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Stickers to Change Greeting Cards
You can use any greeting card for any occasion with stickers
from the dollar store. For instance, I needed a graduation
card this weekend and all I had was a cute doggie
"Get Well Soon" card, so I took one of the "You're terrific"
stickers and covered the "Get Well Soon" part on the front
of the card. On the inside I used butterfly stickers and
"Good Job" to cover the writing on the inside. And my
granddaughter loved it!
By Debseeley from Vero Beach, FL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Three men at the local Funny-Farm are in the office
for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man,
"What is three times three ?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling,
and asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three ?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third
man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three ?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get
that?"
"Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.
Amazed, the bartender says:
"Hey, you can talk!"
"Sure-mumble-quack-mumble" says the duck, "Now
can I get that mumble-quack-mumble beer mumble-
quack-mumble ?"
Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint
and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"I work at the mumble-quack-mumble airport", says
the duck.
"You should join the circus", says the barkeep. "You
could make a mint."
"The mumble-quack-mumble circus!" the duck replies.
"What the mumble-quack-mumble would the
mumble-quack-mumble circus want with an airport
flight departure announcer mumble-quack-mumble
with a mumble-quack-mumble speech defect?"
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( 3 / 107 )
Sunday, July 18, 2010, 05:17 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, July 18, 2010
A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship
to the size of his paycheck.
--- Adam Clayton Powell Jr.,
If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
--- Mo Udall
A mission statement is defined as "a long awkward sentence
that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
--- From The Dilbert Principle
Little Johnny and his family were having Christmas
dinner at his Uncle Rodney's house. Everyone was
seated around the table as the food was being
served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he
started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say
our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a
prayer before eating at OUR house."
"That's at OUR house," Johnny explained. "But this is
Uncle Rodney's house and HE doesn't have Internet.
HIS cooking never burns!"
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other
day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts"
sign was kept lit during the whole journey, although
the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before
landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University
of California girls going to Los Angeles for the
weekend.
In back, there are 25 Coast Guard soldiers . . .
What would you do?"
Thanks to Noella for sending this picture from the yard of
her borther in Anchorage, Alaska
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Daryl Simon, 38, in Queens, NY
He couldn't resist one last scam.
A career fraudster was sent to the slammer for nearly 24
years after giving a White Plains federal judge phony photos
of himself doing charity work at hospitals and schools in a
bumbling bid for leniency.
Daryl Simon's bald-faced move included sticking a picture
of himself into a shot with a physical-therapy patient, then
flipping the image and placing it next to a teen student.
"Evidence that his image was inserted and flipped can be
seen by examining the single detail on his shirt above his
fingers -- that detail appears on the left side of the shirt in
the top photograph, and on the right side of the shirt in the
bottom photograph," prosecutors wrote.
Another particularly heartless snapshot shows the 38-year-old
scammer purportedly comforting a sickly patient struggling
during a rehabilitation exercise.
Simon even had the gall to submit fake letters of support from
various charitable organizations and individuals, according to
the US Attorney's Office.
Judge Stephen Robinson saw through the ruse, blasting Simon
Thursday for trying to "commit a fraud on the court."
Robinson then slapped him with a 285-month prison term --
50 months more than the maximum under sentencing guidelines
-- for credit-card fraud and bail jumping.
His brazen crimes included buying a sports car with a fake
cashier's check for $29,500, along with numerous credit-card
scams and possession of a stolen Mercedes-Benz.
His most recent case stems from a 2006 arrest, in which he
and a cohort bought electronic gear at a Target store in West
Nyack, using phony credit cards in the name of "D. Simon."
He pleaded guilty to credit-card fraud the next year, but
jumped bail before sentencing.
While he was on the lam, he worked as a magician and went by
the name Justin Lusion. Two years ago, he was found in Queens.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
RE: Helping out
Webby, thanks for the (large) picture today and thanks also
to Lillemor.
Do you have a coffee jar etc. for donations. I would like to
send $10. I know it isn't much but would get a little something.
I do appreciate you very much!
Thanks, Webby - I keep voting and hope others are.
Carolyn from IN
Dear Carolyn
Thank you very much!
And you are most welcome!
If you can help out, I sure would appreciate it!
The "coffee jar" funnels straight to the server bills and is
in dire straits these days.
There is a PayPal Donate button at
http://webby.com/humor/thanks.html
Thanks!
DearWebby
A pastor was giving the children's lesson during a
sunday morning service on the Ten Commandments.
After explaining the commandment to "honor they
father and thy mother," he asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one five-year old boy
answered loudly, "Thou shalt not kill!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Treasure Your Freedom - Join A Historical Group
I quit my job a little over a year and a half ago. Since then
I have begun doing things I was unable to do while working.
I have joined both the Daughters of the American Revolution
and the United Daughters of the Confederacy. There is also
an organization called the Daughters of Union Veterans of
the Civil War.
more by By Southeastgeorgiapeach from Jesup, GA at
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a
storm, and Little Johnny asked his mom,
"Where did we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny said, "Well I can see why they threw HIM out!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
Two church members were going door to door. They
knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not
happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain
terms she did not want to hear their message and
then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it
bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into the job, and
slammed the door again.
Same results. The door bounced back like it was
made of Silly Putty.
Convinced one of these rude church members was
sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the
door a slam that would teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am,
before you do that again, you might want to move
your cat."
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( 3 / 114 )
Saturday, July 17, 2010, 04:55 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, July 17, 2010
"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look
at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when
they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if
it stopped."
---Marcel Achard
Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
--- Tallulah Bankhead
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for
bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming
from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a
penny and he was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking helped.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a
dime from his pocket and pretended to pull it from
Sammy's ear.
Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand,
swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded,
"Do it again, Daddy!"
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and
asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as
she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to
continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the man asked
sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and
strawberry."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
Large
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Sherry Jean Fuscaldo, 26, in Walton Beach, Florida
Woman flashes breasts, bites herself after DUI arrest
FORT WALTON BEACH – A woman kicked a patrol car, flashed
her breasts, tried to bite a deputy and bit herself, all while being
booked for DUI.
Sherry Jean Fuscaldo, 26, of the 900 block of Denton Boulevard,
was placed in a patrol car after she was arrested for DUI around
12:30 a.m. July 3 on Lovejoy Road, according to her arrest report.
The deputy making the arrest heard several loud noises, which he
thought were "military aircraft firing weapons."
He then saw Fuscaldo kicking a patrol car window, the report reads.
She resisted being put in leg irons, bouncing up and down. A deputy
had to pick her up and sit her down on her buttocks.
After Fuscaldo was taken to the Shalimar Annex, she undid her
bra and pulled down her shirt, exposing her breasts, the report
reads. The arresting deputy didn’t see it happen, but the nudity
was caught on tape.
He took her to the “Intox-room,” where Fuscaldo grabbed her
license from the deputy’s desk, according to the report. The
deputy tried to take it from her, and she tried to bite him. She
kicked another deputy, causing his fingers to bleed.
“The defendant also attempted to bite me again but bit herself
in the process,” the report reads.
Fuscaldo complained of asthma and was taken to Fort Walton
Beach Medical Center, where she was released after 30 minutes
after workers found no medical problem. The report adds that
the woman had “road rash” on her feet, forehead and left shoulder.
She was charged with resisting an officer with violence, as well
as DUI. She is due in court Aug. 3.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: JoAnn
RE: Hibernate on XP
Dear Webby:
My old computer had the Hibernate option when I clicked start,
turn off computer,standby. There it gave me the option to
Standby or to hibernate. My new computer with Windows XP pro,
SP3. The standby does not give me the hibernate option.
Not using it all that often I just am not sure that this option
ever was offered at all. Do you know if it just isn't an option
at all for me on this system?
JoAnn
Dear JoAnn
You may have to enable Hibernate.
If you are using Windows XP Home Edition, or Windows XP
Professional with Fast User Switching turned on,
the Turn Off Computer menu will present the options to
Stand By, Turn Off, or Restart your computer.
To put your computer into Hibernate mode,
a feature in Windows XP, that is hidden in the "Turn Off"
box. To manually place your computer into hibernation
(after enabling hibernation on your computer)
follow this tip:
1.Click Start, and then click Turn off computer.
2.Press and hold the Shift key. The label under the first
button on the left changes from Stand By to Hibernate.
3.Click the Hibernate button.
To enable hibernation support on your computer:
You must be logged on as an administrator or a member
of the Administrators or Power Users group. If your computer
is connected to a network, network policy settings may prevent
this procedure.
1.Click Start, click Control Panel, click Performance and
Maintenance, and then click Power Options.
2.Click the Hibernate tab, and then select the Enable hibernate
support check box. If the Hibernate tab is not available, your
hardware does not support this feature.
3.Click OK to close the Power Options dialog box.
Note: When you put your computer into hibernation, everything
in computer memory is saved on your hard disk. When you turn
the computer back on, all programs and documents, that were
open when you turned the computer off, are restored on the
desktop.
Once you got Hibernation working the Microsoft way,
you can make a shortcut for it and do it your way.
Step 1: Right click on the blank space of your computer desktop and
select New and then select Shortcut.
Step 2: The Create Shortcut wizard window will appear and you
will see a text box with the heading on it like Type the location
of the item. Now type the following line command in the text box
rundll32.exe PowrProf.dll, SetSuspendState
And click on Next button.
Step 3:You will see Select a Title for the Program.
Give it a name like Hibernate
Then click on the Finish button. Giving it a cute icons should
be no problem for you.
One thing to keep in mind is that you can't wake the computer
out of hibernation with the mouse or keyboard. No power is
wasted on them during hibernation. You have to tap the power
button on the computer. If the computer is deep under your desk
and the button is tiny and recessed, you may want to epoxy
a clear marble or something transparent on it, to make it easier
to hit it with your foot, and still see the little light that is
fashionable with today's power switches.
If you are worried about epoxying the switch permanently
OFF, you can easily make a clapper, like they are used for
silent alarm kick-switches.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home
from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and
our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after
ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog
brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still
getting the same service."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Recycling Mesh Vegetable Bags
Reuse mesh onion bags as pan scrubbers! Just stuff a few
into one bag and then tie a knot at the end of the bag!
By Michele G from Buchanan, GA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Years ago in a small country store I saw an elderly
woman asking to buy three pounds of lard and have it
put into an empty pail she was carrying. The son of
the owner was minding the store while the father had
gone to lunch.
He stated "Ma'am, your pail will only hold two
pounds."
She looked at him as if he were simple minded and
said " Where is your daddy? He has managed to put
three pounds of lard in this pail for the last five
years!!!!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:
"Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink
flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those
bent-over grandmas in bloomers."
Cashier reply's: "That'll be eight dollars for the
pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for
the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 103 )
Resume Windows as it was before
Friday, July 16, 2010, 06:40 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, July 16, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
"A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition."
--- William Arthur Ward
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works
faster than the mind.
--- Socratex
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband
to the police. The officer in charge looked at the
photograph she handed him, questioned her, and
then asked if she wished to give her husband any
message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied. "Tell him . . . mother didn't come
after all."
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was
to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at
10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his
wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man
stepped out from behind some bushes and growled,
"What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie. "I have a
27 handicap."
2008
2010
Yes, the CHANGE is visible!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Sara Blasse, 23, in Vineland, NJ
Carjacking report was a cover up for car crash during sex
Police say a New Jersey woman admits falsely reporting a
carjacking to cover up an auto accident that occurred while she
was performing a sex act on the driver, The Daily Journal reports.
A police report in Vineland, N.J., says Sara Blasse, 23, who
broke her arm in the accident, was arrested charged with
filing false reports to law enforcement.
Police found the car, belonging to Blasse's father, smoldering
after crashing into a tree.
In the hospital, Blasse told officers a stranger she had asked
for directions pulled a gun, threw her out of her car and took off.
Pressed over inconsistencies in her story, Blasse, according
to police, admitted that she had picked up an unknown man
for sex and was performing a sex act on him with the crash
occurred.
Authorities now say this tale of carjacking and car sex was
all a ruse to cover up the theft of a laptop computer from
another vehicle. They have not proved sex while driving.
All they know for sure is that a stolen laptop was jammed in
the crashed vehicle and that they had set the vehicle on fire
some time after the crash.
The woman and her boyfriend have been charged.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Cookie
RE: Resume Windows as it was
Dear Webby:
While we are at it, I know you have explained before but of course
I have forgotten, how to make the computer screen open the same
way it was when you shut it down, ie. email full screen, or half, etc.
Thanks again for you help
Cookie
Dear Cookie
To do that, tell the computer to Hibernate instead of shutting it down.
For Hibernating, it stores everything on the hard drive and you can
"wake it up" to continue where you left off.
While it is hibernating, it uses only a negligible amount of power
and a laptop battery will last weeks.
I don't recommend Standby or sleep. In case of a power failure,
anything that had not been saved, is lost. On Standby it only
saves the desktop to RAM, not to the hard drive.
Always use Hibernate instead.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Sue noticed her husband standing on the bathroom
scale, sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he
was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she
quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."
"Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the
numbers?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Recycling Mesh Vegetable Bags
Reuse mesh onion bags as pan scrubbers! Just stuff a few
into one bag and then tie a knot at the end of the bag!
By Michele G from Buchanan, GA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Traditional Onion Bag "flowers" or puff balls are also handy
for scrubbing dead bugs off windshields and headlights.
Some people tie the "flowers" to their car antenna, to make
it easier to find the car in a large parking lot.
Onion bags are also handy for small garden tools. They let
them dry, so that they won't rust, and are very visible.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A robust-looking and very well dressed gentleman ate
a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it
off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned
the headwaiter.
"Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago,
I ate just such a repast here and then, because I
couldn't pay for it, you had me beat up and thrown
into the gutter like a common bum?"
"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid
I'll have to trouble you for the same chore again."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would
complain to me about the long delay she always
endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally
called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to
get your weight today," said the nurse.
Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied,
"One hour and 45 minutes!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
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Hummingbird for wide screen
Thursday, July 15, 2010, 03:50 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, July 15, 2010
Life is what happens to you while you're busy
making other plans.
--- John Lennon
As a retired Theologian with many years experience,
I have concluded that most people earnestly desire
to serve God --
In an advisory capacity.
--- Dr. W.C. Farmer
First Hunter (panting): "I just met a great big bear in
the woods!"
Second Hunter: "Good! Did you give him both
barrels?"
First Hunter: "Both barrels? I gave him the
whole gun!!"
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert
bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was
for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats too?"
The little girl said, "I don't know..... I haven't learned
how to cook those yet."
Thanks to my dad for this picture:
Large version
X-Large version
This Jusbertii cactus is a night bloomer, and closes the blossoms
within a minute of the sunrise. Dad wanted them back-lit by
the sun, so he stood there shivering and waiting for the
sunrise. The purple haze is from the sun just rising over the
mountain, turning the pale white blossoms into a flash-bright
blaze for a moment.
Large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to two Valparaiso, Indiana juvenile thieves.
So as not to discourage criminal careers and endanger the
income of social workers and lawyers, their names have not
been released.
Boy applies for job, steals from tip jar
VALPARAISO, Ind. (AP) - Police said two teens were arrested
when one of them stole money from the tip jar of a northwestern
Indiana ice cream shop just after they put their names on job
applications.
A clerk at Pat's Ice Cream Parlor in downtown Valparaiso told
police the boys, ages 15 and 16, filled out the applications
Friday afternoon. She said she went to file the applications
when heard change clattering, then saw one of the boys grab
the dollar bills from the tip jar and run out.
The employee told police she chased after the boy and he
turned over $2.
Police reported one of the teens said he didn't steal, but gave
the clerk his own money to avoid getting in trouble. Both boys
were arrested on preliminary theft charges.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Diana
RE: Hummingbird for Wide Screen
Dear Webby:
Would like to have today's hummingbird picture as wallpaper
for my laptop. Is that possible?
Screen resolution is 1280X800.
As always, your help is very appreciated.
Diana
Dear Diana
I didn't want to stretch the picture and make the bird fat.
You probably would not want a picture of you stretched
sideways 30%, right ?
And I didn't want to saw off the space above and below it,
because that is important to show how it is hovering, so I
enlarged the canvas on the side and mirrored the flower
into the empty space.
You get an extra flower, but at least the bird stays in
proportion.
Large version for 1280x800 wide screen
X-Large version for 1920x1200 wide screen
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first
class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and
the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts
yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and
give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving
the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second
round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall
Street Journal. The businessman again asks for
a coke.
After a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking,
"You lazy wench! Where is my drink!"
The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the
parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten
more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird.
"Hey, wench! Bring me my coke."
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two
passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open
the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and
the parrot says to the terrified man,
"Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Cookie and Cracker Package Trays
Don't throw out the plastic trays from cookie and cracker
bags! They work great as holders for beads or paper
pieces for your crafts, but you can also use them as
mini-green houses and flower pots.
By Angela from Sault Ste Marie, ON
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
That falling parrot joke reminds me of this one:
====from Ethel:
Dear Webby, want to make a tasty and nutritious
meal out of those left-over banana peels? Put them in
a coffee can and bury them to a depth of two feet.
Leave them there all summer. When you dig them up
and open the can, the odor is so bad, that it will
actually cause birds to fall from the sky.
Cook birds at 400 degrees for half an hour.
Sincerely, Ethel.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
DUMBWAITER: Waiter who asks if the kids would care to
order dessert.
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has changed 600
diapers to make love again.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate
the strained broccoli.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
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( 3.1 / 39 )
McAfee on disk not up to date
Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 05:18 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, July 14, 2010
If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
--- Henry J. Tillman
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere
may be enjoying themselves.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely
surrounded by expenses."
--- Lord Dewar
First Farmer: I used to quit plowing for lunch every
day at exactly eleven-thirty.
Second Farmer: Did you have a wristwatch or a
pocket watch?
First Farmer: Neither. The whistle at the sawmill
blows every day at noon, and I simply quit a half
hour before I heard it.
An Irishman living in England goes for a job on a
construction site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes,shore kin."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Why, mon,
how big is your teapot?"
Large version for your collection
X-Large version for your collection
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Warren Carter, 45, from Denver, Colorado
After sentencing, man bolts from courthouse
A 45-year-old Denver man made a dash for freedom Monday after
he was sentenced to three years in prison by a judge in Aspen,
Pitkin County authorities said.
Warren Carter, 45, was being led out of the courtroom when he
bolted from officers and led police in Aspen on a seven-minute
chase, the Sheriff's Office said in a statement.
After officers chased him on foot, on bicycles and in cruisers,
Carter was surrounded near the Aspen post office and talked
into giving up by an Aspen police officer, according to the Pitkin
County Sheriff's Office.
Carter had pleaded guilty to burglary in March in exchange for
dropping a number of related charges, including resisting arrest
stemming from an October 2008 incident, records show.
He has been free on $5,000 bond since his 2008 arrest.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rita
RE: McAfee on disk not up to date
Dear Webby
I have McAfee on my comp that has windows 7..I downloaded the
antivirus plus 2010…for some reason it is showing me my comp
is not protected and at risk..it keep saying that my real time
scanning is turned off..I turn it back on and it goes right back off..
I have tried to reinstall the antivirus disk and it won’t let me
download from the cd. says I need to download it from the web..
why can’t I install it from the cd I bought a couple months or so ago?
don’t know what else to do..any advise you can give will be greatly
appreciated..
Thank you,
Rita
Dear Rita
McAfee and all respectable anti-virus packages are always
installed and updated over the net.
Sometimes they are updated two - three times a day. Virus data,
that is on a CD, and possibly many years old, is rather useless.
Most likely that CD was just some scam.
You HAVE to connect to McAfee online, and get their updates.
Once you have been brought up to current, the daily updates are
no problem. The McAfee icon in the task bar shows a rotating arrow
for a while, then a tiny pop-up tells you, that McAfee has been
updated, and disappears after a few seconds without you having
to click on it.
The same goes for any respectable anti-virus package. Always
download them from the company that makes them, never buy them
at Flea Markets and yard sales.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
There is a story about a monastery in Europe
perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be
suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by
several monks who pulled and tugged with all their
strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that
basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way
up as he noticed that the rope by which he was
suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was
riding with him in the basket how often they changed
the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered
brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Baby Oil on Stainless Steel
After cleaning your stainless steel smear on some baby oil
with a dry cloth. The stains will be easier to remove in the
future.
By toybox45 from Renfrew
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe
thunderstorm. As the passengers were being
bounced around by the turbulence, a young
woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and
with a nervous laugh asked,
"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do
something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the personnel
department, air conditioning is handled by somebody
upstairs."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little three-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat,
unusually quite. Very softly he started to cry until his
father noticed him sobbing.
"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.
Between sniffles little Johnny replied,
"That priest said he wanted us bwought up in a good
and regwitches home, but, but, but I don' wanna go
to a witches home, I wanna stay with YOU and MOM!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010, 05:11 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more
complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius
- and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite
direction.
--- E. F. Schumacher
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say
you cannot do.
--- Walter Bagehot
If you tried to vote Sunday after mid day, or Monday before
mid-morning, the reason you could not find Ezinefinder was
they were not online.
They are not on any of our servers, and there is no way I can
alert them, when their server and their email is down.
Eventually, though, I managed to contact them on Monday
through Cumuli.
Not all of the Sunday votes were lost, only about a third of them.
The rest has been added to the Monday votes, which missed
the first 10 hours of Monday. Not all is lost, and hopefully we
can regain the momentum shown on Saturday!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man went on a ski trip in New Zealand, and was knocked
unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance
company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his
injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance
rep said.
"That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-
existing condition."
Church service coincided with the last day of hunting
season. The pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday
many of you said you were missing because of
hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for
your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. All the deer are safe."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Bromalid.
Large version for your collection
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and goes to Cory Dalton, 19, and Lori Lynn Larocque, 38, in Naples, Florida
Shoplifter: 'Run, ma, run!'
NAPLES, Fla., July 9 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a
mother-son shoplifting team was arrested after the mother
left her debit card behind at the Kmart they targeted.
Collier County sheriff's deputies said Cory Dalton, 19, and
Lori Lynn Larocque, 38, were caught shoplifting $71 in
merchandise from the Naples Kmart at about 3 p.m. June 24
and while a loss prevention officer was escorting them to an
office Dalton shouted, "Run, ma, run," and the pair fled the
store, the Naples Daily News reported Friday.
Deputies said Larocque and Dalton fled in a Cadillac but left
behind Larocque's debit card and $13 worth of items they had
legally purchased.
Investigators said they located the pair Tuesday at Dalton's
home and they were both arrested and charged with petty theft.
Dalton also had an arrest warrant for failure to appear in court
on a marijuana possession charge, authorities said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Diana
RE: Incompetence at MediaCom
Dear Webby,
You can add my ISP (the one and only local cable company
for my area) MediaCom, to your list of incompetent ISPs. I
have called and argued, pleaded, begged for them to deliver
my email - to no avail. It seems each time I call I'm speaking
to a different person and all of them must have been working
their first day on the job as none can explain why your
newsletter gets to me one or two days each week. I mostly
have to read it by going to your website - maybe the incompetent
ISPs are the reason the vote count is down so many days.
Even though I go to your website and read the newsletter and
vote, probably a lot of your readers don't do so when they don't
receive the newsletter. I'm really perturbed and ticked off about
this because your newsletter is my "must read" of each day.
You do an excellent job and I very much appreciate all the work
and time you put into it.
Diana
Albany, GA
Dear Diana
You don't have the choice to switch to Fiber, like the people
in developed countries, where the national average household
connection speed is 20Mbps or better. In your area, 4 Mbps
cable is "good enough fer them hillbillies".
Writing to the newspapers might get you cut off from even
that, so I would not recommend that.
About all you can do is get a gmail address, and set your
Thunderbird to check it too. Then you can gradually tell
all your contacts to use the gmail address. To Thunderbird
it is just another address.
With Gmail you can make filters, that are rock solid. You
will never again lose a subscription or a utility bill or any
other important email.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
======================
Dear Webby
Is there a problem between Webby and Comcast? We did not get
Humor for Monday. First time we have not received it. My Mailwasher
had a note from Webby saying something about a Comcast problem.
Guinn
Dear Guinn
There IS a problem at Comcast.
The technical term for their problem is "Intermittent Incompetence".
Just like other Comcast victims, you have to get into the habit
of yelling at them now and then.
You can go to http://webby.com/humor/no-sub.html,
and have the list of all we do, ready in front of you,
when you screech a temper tantrum at them.
That list shows you, that they have absolutely NO excuse for
stealing your subscription.
From what I hear, after you yell at them, they stay away from
your mail like a singed cat, and don't mess with it for
months at a time.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A freshman walked into the campus bookstore.
Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of
his classes, the clerk responded, "This is the book
you want for that class. It will do half the work for
you!"
"Great," the young man replied, "I'll take two."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Sun Tea for Summer Events
When helping out at a summer event, I didn't brew hot tea for
the iced tea - but just made "sun tea" by soaking the teabags
in the urns we had and putting them in the sun. It made tea
concentrate, and didn't have to be cooled down very much
to drink. It just needed a bit of ice!
By pamphyila from CA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Right outside her front door, Joe's mother-in-law had
a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct
temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the
thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a
balmy 72 degrees.
"Mom," Joe's wife suggested without thinking, "you
should stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
|
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver,
and asked the man in the coinvertible, if he knew why
he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the driver argued.
The cop pulled out his riot stick and his big flashlight
and began a spirited drum solo on the driver's head.
"Tell me if you want me to stop or just slow down a bit."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
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( 2.9 / 38 )
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