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It's Sunday, March 20, 2011

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DearWebby


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A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --- Willis Player
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
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An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. Once an hour the nurses walked the patient in the hall, a nurses aide on each side with his arms over their sholders. Behind them the floor nurse stomped along, gesticulating with all kinds of fearsome devices and explaining just what kind of enema he would need if he stopped walking. After a week, the patient was ready to go home. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation but that they had been lucky to get him to the hospital in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," his daughter said, "Dad hasn't walked in over five years!"
Thanks to Christine for sending this picture: Click through the picture to the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Carolee Bildsten, 57, in Gurnee, Ill Sex toy attacker pleads guilty GURNEE, Ill. (UPI) -- An Illinois woman accused of striking a police officer with a sex toy pleaded guilty to drunken driving and theft charges. Carolee Bildsten, 57, was sentenced to six months of periodic imprisonment and 30 months of probation after pleading guilty Monday in a Lake County court to felony aggravated driving under the influence and a misdemeanor count of theft, the Waukegan News Sun reported Thursday. Prosecutors said Bildsten, who was pulled over and charged with driving under the influence Sept. 5, faced the theft charge due to a separate incident in which she left a Joe's Crab Shack restaurant without paying her bill. She was found by a Gurnee police officer and given a ride home, where she claimed to have money for the restaurant bill, and upon arriving attacked the officer with "a clear, rigid, feminine pleasure device," a police report said. Bildsten had faced an assault charge stemming from the incident but the charge was dropped in exchange for her guilty plea.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donovan Re: Pictures on iPad Dear Webby Good to have you back. I'm glad you're feeling better. Regarding the iPad, if Wayne calls 1-800-MY-APPLE, there's free tech support for the first three (?) months. Regards Donovan Dear Donovan Thanks for your tip! Have FUN! DearWebby
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At a diner, I was standing in line to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?" As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen, also the cook, calmly walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking about leaving a tip for the cook. Next you go check and see if McDonalds will take you back."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com A Drinking Straw for Dust Bunnies When those dust bunnies got away from me under my refrigerator I could never get to them back behind the grates. Well no more, I taped about one inch of a large drinking straw to the inside of the long slender attachment for my vacuum leaving the rest of the straw sticking out. I used masking tape making sure to cover the hole while securing the straw. After taking off the cover at the front bottom of the refrigerator I can now reach them. The little buggers can no longer stay safe back behind the grates as I can reach them with the flexible straw. By latrtatr from Loup City, NE http://www.thriftyfun.com/ http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today ?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client: "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both!?!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"

Big Rock Candy Mountain






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