Spam purportedly from ME! 

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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, June 15

Almost warm enough to put the top down on the car.
Summer is definitely getting close!

Have FUN!

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"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working." --- Fred Marcum You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. --- Sacha Guitry
Myrna was asked what she would consider the worst thing to receive on her upcoming twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?" She deadpanned: "Morning Sickness."
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Thanks to Bill for this story: HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL - 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available. --------------- I am not a cat person, but I know how to give a dog a pill: Cover the pill with a spoon full of left-over people food and hand him the plate for half a second.
Thanks to Dad for this picture: Click through the picture to the large version. Mammillaria Schumannii
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Karleena Lorren Kempf, 35, Knox County Illinois Woman arrested on 8 counts of gasoline theft GALESBURG, Ill Police arrested Karleena Lorren Kempf, 35, 99 Elm St., on eight counts of stealing gas from the HyVee store at 2110 E. Main St. According to police reports, station manager Bradley Hopping told police the driver of a white Saturn had taken gas and driven off without paying eight different times between May 19 and June 10. The most recent time he was able to get the license number. He provided police with the receipts of the thefts that gave the times and amounts of gas stolen. Hopping showed the videos of each incident and the officer could tell it was the same car and person pumping the gas. Officers arrested Kempf at her home at 8:53 a.m. Saturday. The police report says while at jail Kempf was advised of her Miranda warning and said she would talk to police. She said she did take the gasoline because she didnít have money to pay for it, and her boyfriend made her do it. She remains in Knox County jail. The photos and receipts were taken as evidence and Hopping said he could provide a DVD of the video of each theft within a week.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: Spam purportedly from ME ! Dear Webby, Does this mean someone has got my passwords?? Or is it a new type of spam? It appears to be from me to me? Mike Dear Mike yes, just spam. They paste your address into the FROM slot just as easy as they paste it into the TO slot. Since most of your Senators act like they have been leased by spammers, don't expect things to get better, until vigilantes take the law into their own hands and burn a few dozen spammers at the stake. Luckily for you, that particular flavor of spam can be filtered easily. Just make a filter in your MailWasher to delete and hide mail from you to you. DON'T bounce it back though ! That would create a loop and plug up your mail box for good. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Daily tip from Create Computer Troubleshooting Binder I love my computer but must admit that I'm not savvy on it at all. I am forever coming across a problem that I don't know how to fix and having to call HP, AOL or somebody to help me. I found I was calling lots of times over and over for the same problems. Finally I came up with an idea and it's saved me countless phone calls. Now when I have a problem and have to call, while I'm on the phone I take detailed notes. Then when I'm done I immediately write up the problem and everything that was done to fix the problem on the computer (or hand write it, either way). I keep a notebook binder on the desk now with lots of page protectors in it. Into each page protector goes the problem and fix. Then I stick a tab on the edge with a short "label" of what the problem was. This has saved me a lot of headaches and a lot of time. It's so much faster and easier than trying to call these companies! By Cricketnc from Parkton, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the list, you can vote for it here:
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver- sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny said: "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"


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