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Today is Sunday, July 8



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DearWebby

Today in 
1709 Battle of Poltava; Russians defeat Swedes 
1876 White Democrat terrorists attack Black Republicans in 
   Hamburg SC, killing 5 
1961 Portuguese steamer "Save" breaks up off Mozambique, 227 die
1969 US troop withdrawal begins in Vietnam
1986 Farthest thrown object-an "Aerobie" flying ring, 383 m (1,257') 
2012  smiled

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DearWebby


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In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. --- Thomas Pickering I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
The UnLocker Have you ever accidentally elbowed a new password into Windows and locked yourself out? Not yet? Or has a family member accidentally done that? Or the cat on her stroll over the keyboard? That can get extremely expensive, if you don't have the UnLocker. The Unlocker will get you back in there in 30 seconds. No fuss, no panic. Take the fear out of "Not Yet" with the UnLocker.

>From Fred I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified section, though." I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!" She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells, coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
The Ultimate Guide to a Delicious Back Yard BBQ In this 169 page ebook you’ll find everything you need to know about how to grill some of the most amazing, hard to find recipes from start to finish! Currently with Bonus books: Delicious Pizza Recipes: Over 179 World Famous Pizza Recipes Cooking Like a Chef : This is an amazing guide of 101 of the best tips and techniques for cooking like a real professional chef. 60 Day Guarantee! Ultimate Guide to a Delicious Back Yard BBQ

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to James Seehaus, 25, in Palm Bay, Florida Jailed After Robbing Convenience Store Because His Fiance Refused To Have Sex With Him James Seehaus, a 25-year-old Florida man was jailed Thursday after he allegedly robbed a store, then told police he committed the robbery because his fiance refused to have sex with him. According to police, Seehaus entered a 7-Eleven convenience store with a BB gun, pointed the gun at the cashier and demanded all of the money in the cash register. A Palm Bay police officer spotted Seehaus as he attempted to flee the scene with the cash. The officer stopped Seehaus about a half mile away from the store and found a BB gun in the back seat. The clerk who was on duty at the time of the robbery identified Seehaus as the robber. Seehaus was subsequently taken to jail and charged with suspicion of robbery. During a police interview, Seehaus told investigators that he would have committed more robberies had he not been caught. He also stated that he committed the robbery out of frustration because his fiance had been refusing to have sex with him. He further stated that the money in his wallet belonged to the store and that he decided to rob the store because he needed the money to buy car insurance.
Tech Support Pits: From: Neil Re: Online Converter Dear Webby, To convert a locked PDF to an editable DOC or ODT, go to http://www.online-convert.com/ They convert just about anything. Neil Dear Neil Thank you for that very valuable link! After trying it, I immediately put it into the Tool Box. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Dee for this legend: The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. . Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . " "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. But I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. " I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . .." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Lint Brush To Clean Cutting Mat I do a lot of quilting. When I square up my blocks, I always have a lot of lint and little fabric pieces left on my cutting mat. I use a lint brush to get the mat fuzz free again. I also use both side of my cutting mat. By Gabriele from CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?" "My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left. The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A menswear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. "Menswear," says the man. A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man. Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Main Entrance."
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