A Dummies' Guide For Dummies 

- Don't throw a brick straight up.

- Don't take long naps while driving.

- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

- Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

- Don't microwave yourself too often.

- Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

- When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

- If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

- Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

- When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

- No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

- When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

- Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

- When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to report it on your income tax return.

- "Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.

- One + one = two. Try to remember that.

- Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.

- If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.

- For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

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