Quacking a Telemarketer 

Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 8

To the thousands who wrote about Pearl Harbor:
Yes, you are right and I was wrong.
Somehow the history feed got messed up and I had 
Dec 7 instead of January 7.
Sorry about that!

I will write a Wednesday newsletter, but tomorrow morning 
I have to go to Calgary and get more injections into my 
eyeballs. That means there won't be any newsletters on 
Thursday, Friday, and probably Saturday.

Have FUN!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. --- Arthur C. Clarke The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously. --- Henry Kissinger
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "OK, if you insist. I'll go tell him." says Gallagher
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
What is Metabolic Cooking? Basically it is simply adding certain ingredients, that will cause your body to utilize and use up fat as fuel instead of storing it. No, not buying all kinds of tricky stuff, just using one type of berry instead of another with your pancakes, one type of garnish instead of another with your hamburger, and so on. You get understanding and skills with this, not a pile of expensive bottles. Learn Metabolic Cooking!

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Zachariah Dalton Howard, 22, in Niceville, Florida Jailed After Failing To Successfully Rob Convenience Store, Calling His Mother For A Ride Home Niceville, Florida Reported by The Weekly Vice Zachariah Dalton Howard, a 22-year-old Niceville man was jailed Saturday after he allegedly tried to rob a convenience store, then called his mother for a ride home. According to the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office, Howard reportedly walked into the 'Thumbs Up' convenience store around 10:00 p.m., told the clerk he had a gun, and demanded money. The robbery attempt went bust when the clerk opened the cash drawer and showed Howard that it didn't contain any money. Investigators say Howard fled the scene and went to a nearby grocery store where he called his mother and asked her for a ride home. Howard was identified as the would-be robber and taken into custody a short time later. During an interview with detectives, Howard stated that he did not originally intend to rob the store, but decided to commit the robbery when he arrived at the store. Officers determined that Howard did not have a gun with him at the time of the robbery attempt. He was booked into the Okaloosa County Jail and charged with robbery without a weapon or firearm. His bond was set at $15,000. Tech Support Pits From: Ellen Re: Telemarketers Dear Webby My Mother-in-Law is helping out in my business now, doing book keeping and answering the phone. The problem is, if she is in the middle of something complex, and a telemarketer interrupts her, she gets quite irate and obnoxious and nearly blows a gasket. I don't want her to have a stroke or heart attack. What do you recommend? Ellen Dear Ellen Go to the Dollar Store or any store that has squeaky toys and get a "Donald Duck" with a duck-like squawk. (Quack Quack instead of Squqak Squeak) Give it to her and tell her to answer the phone with that, whenever she does not recognize the number. If it is a customer after all, she can still switch to her own voice and blame the quacking on the phone company. However, if it is a telemarketer, as usual when there is a 1-888 or similar number showing, she can answer by squeezing her Donal Duck. She might wet her knickers from laughing, and so would any innocent bystanders, but she won't get irate and cussing and scaring customers. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hide Spare House Key Under Vinyl Siding My uncle taught me a good way to hide a key, under the vinyl on the house. He had a spot on his vinyl siding that he put a extra key in case they were locked out, or if someone had to get in for emergency purposes. He told very few of us in the family where it was. There is a little lip on the vinyl siding that held the key in place. By Lindaspy from South Beloit, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
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The World’s Shortest Excel Book This condensed e-Book has all you need to become a relaxed and confident Excel expert, instead of a scared novice. Written in easy to understand language and without all the confusing and intimidating fillers. Excellent deal even if you use spreadsheets only occasionally. Get The World’s Shortest Excel Book now!

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of booze was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say,Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."
» Amazing Photos

Today, Jan 8, in 
0624 Moslem army occupies Kurash
0794 Church at Lindisfarne, England destroyed by Vikings
1598 Jews are expelled from Genoa Italy
1806 Lewis & Clark find skeleton of 105' blue whale in Oregon
1838 1st telegraph message sent using dots & dashes, New Jersey 
1856 Dr John A Veatch discovers borax, Tuscan Springs CA 
1884 Chrome tanning process for leather patented by 
   Augustus Schultz 
1929 1st telephone connection between Netherlands & West-Indies 
1935 Spectrophotometer patented, AC Hardy
1940 Britain's 1st WWII rationing (bacon, butter & sugar) 
1954 Elvis Presley pays $4 to a Memphis studio & records 
  his 1st two songs, "Casual Love" & "I'll Never Stand 
  in Your Way" 
1956 Elvis Presley's "Don't Be Cruel/Hound Dog" single 
  goes to #1 & stays #1 for a record 11 weeks 
1958 Cuban revolutionary forces capture Havana 
1962 Dutch express train crashes into slow commuter train, 
  91 die
1971 29 pilot whales beach themselves & die at 
   San Clemente Island CA
1979 512 die as oil tanker Bantry Bay blows up
1979 Vietnamese troops overtook Khmer Rouge & 
   occupy Phnom Penh
1985 Japan launches Sakigake space probe to Halley's Comet 
1986 President Reagan freezes Libyan assets in the US
1995 15th United Negro College Fund raises $12,200,000 
1996 Blizzard buries eastern US causing at least 50 deaths 
1998 Roseanne files for divorce from 3rd husband Ben Thomas
1998 Unabomber suspect Theodore Kaczynski asks to act as 
   his own lawyer
1998 World Trade Center bomber Ramzi Ahmed Yousef 
   sentenced to life 
2013 NHL strike ends. Players fire their union, Owners
   and Players accept arbitrator's recommendation. 2013
   will be a short season abut it will start next weekend.
2013  smiled

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