Explain how IF formulas work in spreadsheets 

Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, January 12

-17 and a stiff North Wind makes the walk to the Post office
quite unpleasant, but coming back is fun, with the wind 
pushing at my back, and the sun thawing out my face.

Have FUN!

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I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. --- Augusten Burroughs Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. --- Lily Tomlin
Moishe is being interrogated by the Russian Government: Govt. official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?" Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia." Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?" Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia." Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?" No reply. Government official asks the question again. And still no reply. Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?" Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."
Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery. The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?" Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"
What is Metabolic Cooking? Basically it is simply adding certain ingredients, that will cause your body to utilize and use up fat as fuel instead of storing it. No, not buying all kinds of tricky stuff, just using one type of berry instead of another with your pancakes, one type of garnish instead of another with your hamburger, and so on. You get understanding and skills with this, not a pile of expensive bottles. Learn Metabolic Cooking!

Click on the picture for the large version Snow In Jerusalem 1-10-2013 No gullible Warming there either!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brenda Shumann, 51, Vera Beach, Florida Jailed After Confronting Estranged Husband And New Girlfriend With Rifle, Defecating On Floor Reported by The Weekly Vice Brenda Schumann, a 51-year-old Vero Beach woman was jailed after she allegedly defecated on her estranged husband's floor after finding him in bed with his new girlfriend. According to the Indian River County Sheriff's Office, Brenda Schumann and her husband are in the process of a divorce and Mrs. Schumann moved out of the couple's home several months ago. There was just one problem. Mrs. Schumann didn't forget where all the guns in the house were kept. Investigators say Schumann forced her way into her husband's home, armed herself with a rifle that was stored inside the house and then stormed into her husband's bedroom where he was sleeping naked with his new girlfriend. She then allegedly pointed the rifle at the couple and told them that she was going to kill them both. As Mrs. Schumann argued with her estranged husband, the female victim attempted to grab the gun, prompting Mrs. Schumann to kick her several times. Mr. Schumann, feeling a bit inferior to his girlfriend at this point, jumped into the fray and wrestled the gun away from Mrs. Schumann. He then hid the gun in a closet. The bewildered Mrs. Schumann left the bedroom and proceeded to urinate on the floor of a hallway that extended to the bedroom. Unsatisfied with saturating the carpet with her urine, she then proceeded down to the kitchen where she defecated on the floor. Inspired with a renewed sense of purpose, Mrs. Shumann found another rifle that was stored in the house and began breaking pictures, mirrors, Christmas decorations, and other belongings. She then left in her vehicle still carrying the second rifle. When officers went to her residence to question her, she initially opened the door but then slammed it shut in the officers' faces. They did not like that and she was taken into custody a short time later. During a police interview, Schumann asked the officers "I found him in bed with a naked chick. What was I supposed to do?" Apparently she believed that even after moving out, she still owned him and could demand everlasting celibacy. Officers involved were just glad they aren't in the housecleaning business. Schumann was booked into jail and was charged with aggravated domestic assault, and resisting arrest without violence. More charges are likely to follow. Tech Support Pits From: Annelie Re: Spreadsheet Dear Webby I was quite impressed with your automatic date comparison formula for Excel, and have of course copied it carefully. It works exactly as you described, if the date is in the warning zone, it puts it into the first column. Fancy! I played around with it a bit, and got it to do different things, but I don't really understand how to craft formulas like that from scratch. How do they work? Thanks Annelie Dear Annelie The heart of that formula is the "=IF" (In Quattro it would be @IF) "=IF" starts the IF comparison Lets say you put the formula into the top cell of the left-most column, into A1 Into the second column put a bunch of random numbers The same with the thrird, the C column. Now write into A1 =IF(B1>C1,"Larger","Smaller") The formula checks IF B1 is Larger (>) than C1 IF that is TRUE, then it prints the first option, the word "Larger", into A1, where the formula is. IF that comparison is FALSE, then it prints the second option, the word "Smaller". Now copy the formula and paste it down the first column. You will see, wherever the number in the second column is larger, it prints or shows the word "Larger". Now, go back to A1. We are going to mess with the formula. Instead of "Smaller" as the second option, just put two double quotes "" with nothing in between them. Copy the formula and paste it down the first column. As you probably suspected, now it shows a blank cell, whenever the comparison was False. Clear enough? OK, so we will mess with it some more! Go to A1 change the formula to =IF(B1>C1,"B1+C1","B1-C1") What we did, we told that if the comparison is true, then ADD what is in B1 plus C1, but if it is false, then subtract B1 from C1. Go ahead, copy the formula from A1 and paste it down the first column. As you saw, you can put all kinds of further formulas into the Result options of the IF formula, not just text. Now go to cell D1 and type: Your invoice is due And into cell E1 type Thank you for paying Copy both D1 and E1 down their columns And change the formula in A1 to =IF(B1>C1,D1,E1) Now, if the IF comparison is true, it prints whatever is in D1 but if it is False, it prints whatever is in E1 Copy the formula down the A column. You see how you can use the formula to automatically generate the text to put into an email. You can, of course write much more than just one line and count on the word-wrap in the email program. ALT and ENTER gives you a line break, two of them give you a paragraph break. Instead of just numbers in the second and third column, you can of course put dates and make it more useful. The comparison spots don't have to be adjacent to the formula. They can even be on different sheets! If you have the dates to compare on Sheet 2, then you would use =IF(Sheet2!B3>Sheet2!C3,D3,E3) Sheet2!B3 tells it to look at the data in B3 on Sheet 2, On Quattro, you would use B: for the second sheet, C: for the third, and so on. That means you can have a nice, clean front page, pulling data or looking up data and text on other sheets. You could, for example, have payment dates on sheet 2, and response texts on sheet 3. If you don't watch it, that kind of tricks will get you organized before you know it! Have FUN! DearWebby
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PATIENT REPORTS The following quotes are reported to have been taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians... * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. * Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. * I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. * The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient has no past history of suicides. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. * She is numb from her toes down. * The skin was moist and dry. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection. The hostess decided to drive to the corner store to get some canned salmon to fill the eaten portion. Later, as the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead." The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the driveway where you ran over it on the way back from the corner store."
» Best Winter Trips

Today, Jan 12, in 
1493 Last day for all Jews to leave Sicily 
1807 Gunpowder-ship explodes in Leiden Netherlands, 150 die
1812 1st cargo arrives in New Orleans by steam, from Natchez
1839 Anthracite coal 1st used to smelt iron, Mauch Chunk PA
1896 1st X-ray photo in US (Dr Henry Smith, Davidson NC) 
1929 Seatrain (RR cars on ships) service begins, 
   New Orleans-Havana 
1937 Plow for laying submarine cable patented
1943 Frankfurters replaced by Victory Sausages (mix of 
   meat & soy meal) 
1945 US Task Force 38 destroys 41 Japanese ships in 
   Battle of South China Sea 
1950 Swedish tanker rams British submarine Truculent 
   in Thames, 64 die 
1954 Austria's worst avalanche-kills 200; 
   9hours later 2nd one-kills 115 
1970 Boeing 747 makes its maiden voyage 
1990 Romania bans Communist party (1st Warsaw Pact 
   member to do so) 
1994 Malcolm X's daughter arrested for plotting 
   Louis Farrakhan's murder 
2013  smiled

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