Wednesday, March 6, 2013, 11:07 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, March 6
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
--- Sacha Guitry (1885 - 1957)
Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas
must be prepared to see them misunderstood.
-- H. L. Mencken
..and misquoted and held against him by the media,
and anybody who did not do their homework.
From Peter
Hi
Thought the funnies below may be of interest to you -
they may not be new, but they do raise a smile.
========================================================================
Thinking of you, I recently had a lens graft for my right eye,
to replace an earlier graft starting to reject.
I originally had the lenses in both eyes replaced with
grafts in 1996 - as a result almost losing my vision from
Fuchs’ endothelial dystrophy.
Peter
Australia
=======================================================================
HOLY ORDERS
Church Ladies
With typewriters.
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell'
to someone who doesn't care much about you...
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in
their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm.
Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign
slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Thanks to Ellie for this:
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free news-
papers for his customers.
As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows
enough to offset the cost of the papers."
"Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled... "Nothing dirties
clothes more than newsprint."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Mary Maloney, 53,
Teacher, Offers Oral Sex To Police
Officer After Hit-And-Run Charge
Reported by the Huffington Post
Middle school math teacher Mary Maloney allegedly offered
oral sex to a police officer after being nabbed for a
hit-and-run in Palm Beach County, Fla.
Maloney, 53, was arrested Sunday after she crashed her van
into a pickup truck around 8:35 p.m., then took off,
according to an arrest report obtained by the Sun Sentinel.
A witness to the crash tracked Maloney's van to a parking
spot and then called police.
The arresting officer said he found an empty gallon jug
of wine behind Maloney's driver's seat and "immediately
smelled the strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting
from her person," according to WPTV. The report states
that her eyes were glassy, bloodshot, and partially
closed.
The officer that drove Maloney to the police station noted
that she asked him "How much do I need to pay you to just
let me go? Don't you understand I am a school teacher?"
She then allegedly offered to perform oral sex on him and
allow him to play with her breasts.
Maloney was charged with driving under the influence,
leaving the scene of a crash with damage, resisting an
officer without violence, driving with a suspended license
and attempted bribery of a public servant.
A spokesman for the Palm Beach County school district told
WPBF that the teacher could potentially be suspended or
terminated, depending on how her case turns out.
Maloney was convicted of a DUI in 2009, and was arrested on
a battery charge, then later on a charge of probation
violation, in 2010.
Tech Support Pits
From: Eloise
Re: Sorting in WORD
Dear Webby
Once upon a time, long, long ago, you told us how to
quickly sort a list in WORD. Unfortunately, at the time I
did not need that and did not pay attention. Can you
please tell me again?
Thanks
Eloise
Dear Eloise
Highlight what you want to sort,
hit ALT F9 (or click on TOOLS, SORT,
then choose if you want to sort the lines or paragraphs.
If you are sorting email addresses that are one address
per line, select LINE. If you are sorting physical addresses
that are 4 or 5 lines per contact, make sure you have a
paragraph break (empty line) between each address block.
If your sort task spans many pages, it's usually best to
temporarily copy the data to be sorted to a new file,
sort it there, and then copy it back into the original
document.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
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It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John
felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do
need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make
arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be
buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said,
"Son, why don't you surprise me?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married
son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked, soft music was playing and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravishes me for
hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered,put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put
on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her
husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
His funeral will be held next Thursday
Today, March 6, in
1521 Magellan discovered Guam.
1834 The city of York in Upper Canada was
incorporated as Toronto.
1836 The thirteen-day siege of the Alamo by Santa Anna and
his army ended. The Mexican army of three thousand men
defeated the 189 Texas volunteers.
1854 At the Washington Monument, several men stole the Pope's
Stone from the lapidarium.
1899 Aspirin was patented by German researchers Felix Hoffman
and Hermann Dreser.
1928 A Communist attack on Peking, China resulted in
3,000 dead and 50,000 fled to Swatow.
1939 In Spain, Jose Miaja took over the Madrid government
after a military coup and vowed to seek "peace with honor."
1944 During World War II, U.S. heavy bombers began the first
American raid on Berlin. Allied planes dropped 2000 tons
of bombs.
1946 Ho Chi Minh, the President of Vietnam, struck an agreemen
with France that recognized his country as an autonomous
state within the Indochinese Federation and the French Union.
1947 The first air-conditioned naval ship, "The Newport News,"
was launched from Newport News, VA.
1957 The British African colonies of the Gold Coast and
Togoland became the independent state of Ghana.
1960 Switzerland granted women the right to vote in municipal
elections.
1960 The United States announced that it would send 3,500
troops to Vietnam.
1970 Charles Manson released his album "Lies" to finance
his defense against murder charges.
1973 U.S. President Richard Nixon imposed price controls
on oil and gas.
1975 Iran and Iraq announced that they had settled their
border dispute.
1980 Islamic militants in Tehran said that they would
turn over American hostages to the Revolutionary Council.
1981 U.S. President Reagan announced a plan to cut 37,000
federal jobs.
1987 The British ferry Herald of Free Enterprise capsized
in the Channel off the coast of Belgium. 189 people died.
1990 The Russian Parliament passed a law that sanctioned the
ownership of private property.
1991 In Paris, five men were jailed for plotting to smuggle
Libyan arms to the Irish Republican Army.
1997 Britain's Queen Elizabeth II launched the first official
royal Web site.
1998 A Connecticut state lottery accountant gunned down three supervisors and the lottery chief before killing himself.
2013 smiled
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