Saturday, March 9, 2013, 10:20 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, March 9.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us.
--- George Eliot (1819 - 1880)
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
--- Will Rogers (1911 - 1980)
Three little boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church.
Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".
" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, .....because they pour the water
on you."
"We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk all of you
in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle
water on you."
The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily
sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse
replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful,
but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
--------------------
I tried that stunt, but the nurses aide, that was doing the
job, was in a big rush to get back to playing Mafia-Wars
and FarmVille, and probably had read that joke, the last
time I had featured it.
Also, they don't use oxygen masks any more. Nowadays they
just stick some small molded plastic hoses into your nose.
Works great and the oxygen enriched air sure makes a
difference!
Click on the picture for the large version
View OVER Black Diamond and to the mountains behind it.
If you look closely, near the bottom, just a tiny bit to
the right from center, you see our water tower.
I took the picture from a hill about ten miles East
of Black Diamond.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to
Christie Dawn Harris, 28, Ada, Oklahoma
Perp Had Loaded Revolver In Her Vagina
Reported by the Smoking Gun
An Oklahoma woman arrested Monday on drug charges had a
loaded handgun hidden in her vagina, according to police.
The weapon was discovered during a search of Christie Dawn
Harris, 28, by a female officer with the Ada Police Department.
According to a police report, the cop spotted the handle of
the five-shot revolver "sticking out from" inside Harris.
In a less shocking find, investigators also discovered plastic
baggies containing methamphetamine lodged in the crack of
Harris’s buttocks.
The Freedom Arms .22-caliber handgun was loaded with three
live rounds and one spent shell, cops reported. As to where
the weapon was recovered, the police report noted,
“gun located in suspect vagina.”
At around 3:45 AM Monday, cops spotted Harris and another
woman, Jennifer Delancy, inside a vehicle parked outside a
closed restaurant. The women were in the front of the vehicle
and “both seats were laid all the way back.”
Asked by a cop if the car contained weapons or drugs, Harris,
who was behind the wheel, answered that “she did not think
there was anything.”
But when a drug dog alerted to both the driver and passenger
sides of the Toyota Yaris, cops searched the vehicle and found
meth, drug paraphernalia, a pistol, and a loaded magazine.
Harris and Delancy were then arrested.
While being transported to jail, Harris “stated several times
that she needed to go to the bathroom.”
At the lockup, Harris was directed to change out of her
clothes into “jail clothing.” When directed to lower her
underwear so that a female cop could check for contraband,
Harris “advised that she was on her period and did not want to.”
Harris eventually complied with the cop’s order. “I observed at
that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina
area,” reported Officer Kathy Unbewust, who added that she
“pulled the item from her vagina, and found it to be a 5 shot
revolver with rounds in the chamber.”
Harris is scheduled to be arraigned this afternoon on felony
Harris did not have a permit to carry a concealed weapon in
her special holster.
Tech Support Pits
From: Annelise
Re: Recognize Spoofs
Dear Webby,
Is there an easy way to recognize spoofs like the fake mails
from PayPal, banks and postcards ?
Annelise
Dear Annelise
Yes, there is.
If you have MailWasher, it will recognize them and flag them
for deleting. You can also peek at the header,
without downloding the mail. It will show you what address is
underlying thefake PayPal address.
Also, with the better email programs you can hover your
mouse over the embedded links and watch the bottom status
line. It will show you where the link actually goes to.
If it goes to some number domain or some other weird name
instead of the one it pretends to go to, trash that mail.
Don't bother blackisting. Spammers never forge the same
phony sending address twice in a row.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Pay Tolls Forward
I live on an island in the middle of a river in upstate
NY. To get home, I must pay a toll, as must all drivers
who cross the island on the NY State Thruway. Each week,
I stash dollar bills in the visor. When I enter the
tollbooth ahead of an out of state car, I pay their toll
of $1 per car. Gives them a pleasant small surprise.
So pay the toll for the car behind you at a toll booth.
That is paying forward, literally.
By jean leiner
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
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Where would you be if:
You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you,
your bathwater has been run, and your partner is
awaiting you in skimpy clothing with open arms
and kisses.
Where would you be?
In the wrong house, Dummy!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady
comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at
each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she
said, "It's a Buick."
"OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter.
"What does it do?" we asked.
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she
could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about
3 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down
as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter.
Finally one of them told her that they have lots of 710 caps,
because Buicks seem to loose them quite frequently.
Today, March 9, in
1454 Amerigo Vespucci was born in Florence, Italy. Matthias Ringmann, a German mapmaker, named the American continent in his honor.
1496 Jews are expelled from Carintha Austria
1497 Nicolaus Copernicus 1st recorded astronomical observation,
1500 Pedro Cabral departs with 13 ships to India
1522 Martin Luther preaches his Invocavit
1562 Kissing in public banned in Naples (punishable by death)
1617 The Treaty of Stolbovo ended the occupation of Northern
Russia by Swedish troops.
1697 Czar Peter the Great begins tour of West-Europe
1734 The Russians took Danzig (Gdansk) in Poland.
1745 The first carillon was shipped from England to Boston, MA.
1791 George Hayward, 1st US surgeon to use ether
1793 Jean Pierre Blanchard made the first balloon flight in
North America. The event was witnessed by U.S. President
George Washington.
1796 Napoleon Bonaparte and Josephine de Beauharnais were married.
They were divorced in 1809.
1799 The U.S. Congress contracted with Simeon North, of Berlin, CT,
for 500 horse pistols at the price of $6.50 each.
1812 Swedish Pomerania was seized by Napoleon.
1822 Charles M. Graham received the first patent for
artificial teeth.
1839 The French Academy of Science announced the Daguerreotype
photo process.
1858 Albert Potts was awarded a patent for the letter box.
1862 During the U.S. Civil War, the ironclads Monitor and
Virginia fought to a draw in a five-hour battle at Hampton
Roads, Virginia.
1905 In Egypt, U.S. archeologist Davies discovered the royal
tombs of Tua and Yua.
1905 In Manchuria, Japanese troops surrounded 200,000 Russian
troops that were retreating from Mudken.
1911 The funding for five new battleships was added to the
British military defense budget.
1916 Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus,
New Mexico. 17 people were killed by the 1,500 horsemen.
1945 During World War II, U.S. B-29 bombers launched incendiary
bomb attacks against Japan.
1956 British authorities arrested and deported Archbishop Makarios
from Cyprus. He was accused of supporting terrorists.
1957 Egyptian leader Nasser barred U.N. plans to share the tolls
for the use of the Suez Canal.
1964 The first Ford Mustang rolled off of the Ford assembly line.
1965 The first U.S. combat troops arrived in South Vietnam.
1975 Work began on the Alaskan oil pipeline.
1975 Iraq launched an offensive against the rebel Kurds.
1977 About a dozen armed Hanafi Muslims invaded three buildings
in Washington, DC. They killed one person and took more than
130 hostages. The siege ended two days later.
1986 U.S. Navy divers found the crew compartment of the space
shuttle Challenger along with the remains of the astronauts.
1989 In the U.S., a strike forced Eastern Airlines into bankruptcy.
1989 In the U.S., President George H.W. Bush urged for a mandatory
death penalty in drug-related killings. He was ignored.
1993 Rodney King testified at the federal trial of four Los Angeles
police officers accused of violating his civil rights.
1995 The Canadian Navy arrested a Spanish trawler for illegally
fishing near Newfoundland.
2013 smiled
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