Limit printing to one page 

Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 15.
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

I found it hilarious how various wanna-be authorities
are predicting what the new pope is going to do.
They are all wrong.
Sure, he is originally an Italian, became a Jesuit, an
intellectual storm trooper, in germany, and became
very close to the Franciscan order and a bishop and 
cardinal in South America.
However, he retired from all that, because he felt he was
too old.

What does all that sum up to?
As a former Italian he is not about to raise much of a fuss
about Mafia investments in the Vatican bank. 
His youthful Jesuit passion for modernisation has mellowed
a long time ago and changed to Franciscan conservatism, 
probably when he realized that fighting the inner circle of
old cardinals in Rome leads to nowhere.

He almost got elected last time, because he is so obedient
to the inner circle. He just helps the poor, and stays out
of hotheaded discussions about modern topics like condoms.
He lets others incur the wrath and the vetoes of the inner
circle. Even benedict didn't get anywhere trying to use logic.
He was told that the pope is the spokesman for the cabinet, 
the back office, not the dictator. 

That seems to be fine for Francis I.
I don't expect any fundamental changes while he is pope,
but I would be VERY surprised, if the long neglected 
Franciscans and Grey Clares didn't get their funding 

Have FUN!

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It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. --- John Andrew Holmes The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools. --- Doug Larson
A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Turbo-Tomatoes! High Speed lettuce!
Have I got a deal for you! Aquaponics is on special for $19 instead of the normal $97! What's Aquaponics? Isn't that the top secret technology some pros use to grow medicinal herbs and stuff in half the time and two to ten times the crop per square foot? Yes, it sure is! It is the technology of combining a fish tank, that produces all the nutrients the plants need, with hydroponics, that cleans that stuff out of the water and preps it for the fish. Very neat and clean WIN-WIN deal! You don't need a shark tank on your balcony. The book tells you how small a fish tank is enough for your tomatoes and carrots and parsley and mushrooms and herbs. If you have a closet, balcony, or garden space, grab Aquaponics, while it is on sale! AND, they throw in $300 worth of additional books! By the way, there is no weeding necessary with Aquaponics!

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
Click on the picture for the large version
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Wendy Tucker, 56, Barnegat, NJ Jailed after flashing security cameras -- Police in New Jersey said they arrested a woman accused of flashing her breasts to security cameras being monitored by dispatchers. Barnegat police said dispatchers saw Wendy Tucker, 56, "get out of a car in the middle of Lexington Boulevard, pull up her shirt and bra, exposing her breasts while facing several security cameras" around 2 a.m. Wednesday, the Asbury Park (N.J.) Press reported Tuesday. Lt. Keith Germain said the video footage also depicts Tucker "looking up at the cameras while extending her middle fingers to the cameras." Patrolman Michael Diblasi located Tucker's car and took her into custody. Police said she was wanted on an outstanding warrant from Atlantic County and was charged with an additional count of lewdness. Because of her relation to some higher-ups, they declined to provide a mug shot. "The Raw Story" provided this picture, which seems to be from a few years ago. Tech Support Pits From: Sammie Re: Limit printing to a page Dear Webby Your trick with listing the files in a folder works great! My problem is that when I print it, it usually leaks a few lines over onto a second page. How can I stop that without deleting any lines? Thanks Sammie Dear Sammie In the spreadsheet or word processor, hit CTRL A to select All, or highlight everything except for the headlines, then change the font to a smaller font family, like for example Calibri or Tunga, and maybe reduce the point size. Then make sure there are no fragments like calculations, shopping lists or phone numbers further down. If there are, and you want to keep them, highlight just what you want to print, then click on Print PreView. Most likely it will now fit onto one page quite nicely. When you print, make sure you select Selection Only Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Fixing a Slow Tub Drain For slow drains in old houses, pour a bottle of bleach down the tub drain once a month in the evening (every 5 weeks for the bathroom sink). In the morning, heat up a tea kettle and pour one gallon of water down the drain. Aim for the drain (or use a funnel), so as not to crack porcelain. This works only on slow drains. Source: Frugal Village By duckie-do from Cortez, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at
Nervous about having to MC a relative's or friend's wedding? Get the Wedding MCWedding MC book. It includes all the jokes and coaching you need to be a smash hit!

This one is attributed to melvin Durai, but probably has been edited over the years. I've been watching the reports from China, the ones about the gender imbalance and all those young men having trouble finding brides, and I can't help wondering what their parents and others were thinking when they chose, through abortion and abandonment, to avoid having female children. Perhaps they thought they could provide other options to their sons. Son: "My dear parents, I am ready to get married. Please help me find a bride." Mother: "You are ready to get married already? But my son, you are only 50. Can't you wait a few more years?" Father: "Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. If you wait a few more years, there will be more brides available. The government is opening special laboratories to create more females. It is a process called cloning." Son: "But they are cloning sheep. I do not want to marry a sheep." Mother: "Son, you are 50. You cannot be too choosy." Father: "Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. You should look at the positive side: A sheep has plenty of wool. It will keep you warm at night." Son: "No, I can't do it. I can't settle for anything but a human." Father: "You have high standards, son. But we expected this. That is why we've made arrangements to introduce you to someone special." Son: "Someone special? Is this really true, Father?" Father: "Yes, it's true, son. We will introduce you to a special inspector named Ying-Ming. He is looking for a companion too." Son: "Did you say 'he'? I hope you meant to say 'she'!" Father: "He, she, what's the difference? Together, you will still be 'we.' Ying-Ming is very rich, son. While most Chinese men have been busy searching for brides, he has been busy searching for bribes." Son: "But I do not want a 'he'! I am straight!" Mother: "Opposites attract, my son. You are straight and he is crooked. You will be happy together." Father: "Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. You should look at the positive side: Ying-Ming has plenty of wool blankets. He will keep you warm at night. What do you say, son?" Son: "How soon will the cloning take place?" Father: "Ah, that's better, son. I knew you would come around. It's important to be open-minded. There are only a few brides and their demands are impossibly high: they want a man who is not just rich and handsome, but who also stops his car to ask for directions." Mother: "In all my years, I have never met such a man." Son: "Not on this planet. But how did this happen, this terrible shortage of women?" Father: "I blame it on the government. They created the one-child policy to control the population. They knew we would turn it into the one-boy policy, which would really control the population. Don't blame us: all we wanted was one boy." Son: "Don't blame me: All I want is one girl. Is it an impossible dream?" Father: "Well, there are two other options. You can find another man, put your savings together, and pay for a sex change operation. Ying-Ming does not want to do it. We already asked. But he is willing to wear a dress on weekends. He will even shave his mustache -- if you insist." Son: "Ying-Ming is a ding-a-ling. What's the other option?" Father: "You can go to America." Son: "America? Are there many brides there?" Father: "Well, once you are settled in America, you can do what many American men do: get yourself a mail-order bride from Russia or the Philippines."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The God of thunder rode forth one day Upon his fearsome filly "I'M THOR!!" he cried His horse replied "You forgot your thaddle, thilly !"
NASA: Asteroids & Comets:

Today, March 15, in 
44 BC Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated by high 
ranking Roman Senators. The day is known as the "Ides of March."
1493 Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his first 
  New World voyage.
1892 New York State unveiled the new automatic ballot voting machine.
1892 Jesse W. Reno patented the Reno Inclined Elevator. 
  It was the first escalator.
1904 Three hundred Russians were killed as the Japanese shelled 
  Port Arthur in Korea.
1916 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson sent 12,000 troops, under 
  General Pershing, over the border of Mexico to pursue bandit 
  Pancho Villa. The mission failed.
1934 Henry Ford restored the $5 a day wage.
1938 Oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia.
1939 German forces occupied Bohemia and Moravia, and the German speaking
  part of Czechoslovakia.
1944 Cassino, Italy, was destroyed by Allied bombing.
1949 Clothes rationing in Great Britain ended nearly four years after 
  the end of World War II.
1951 General de Lattre demanded that Paris send him more troops 
  for the fight in Vietnam.
1951 The Persian parliament voted to nationalize the oil industry.
1955 The U.S. Air Force unveiled a self-guided missile.
1960 The first underwater park was established as Key Largo Coral Reef Preserve.
1990 In Iraq, British journalist Farzad Bazoft was hanged for spying.
1990 The Soviet parliament ruled that Lithuania's declaration of 
  independence was invalid and that Soviet law was still in force 
  in the Baltic republic.
1994 U.S. President Clinton extended the moratorium on nuclear testing
1996 The aviation firm Fokker NV collapsed.
2002 U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell told the Associated Press 
  that the U.S. would stand by a 24-year pledge not to use nuclear 
  arms against states that don't have them.
2013  smiled

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