Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, September 5.


Today, September 5, I have to go for injections into my 
eyeballs. That means, there won't be any newsletters
sent out on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Thanks to Gary for this link to arctic ice. The barge operators
are not scheming to get research grants. They just want
to get back to Tuk before freeze-up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



If you can help with the  cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!







Some cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.
--- William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, 
you must always come back to the pleasant fact 
that there are only ten of them.
--- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)


A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because
of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety,
always demanding. Finally the old girl died.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed
to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much,
I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma
in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried.
"I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"


MONDAY:
For sale:  R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. 
Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who 
lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY
Notice:  We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. 
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.  
Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him 
after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received 
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we 
made in the classified ad yesterday.  The ad stands correct 
as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine 
for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for 
Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. 
I smashed it.  Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. 
Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!


Discover The Secrets To Building a 
50MPH ELECTRIC BIKE 
with The Performance of a Motorcycle* 
and SAVE THOUSANDS 
on Fuel, Insurance, and Parking costs.

Today you can learn how to build a 50MPH electric bike 
using parts available in your garage or online, so you 
can start to reduce your carbon footprint AND reduce 
your commuting stress levels by never having to sit in 
another traffic jam again. 

* Gasoline motorcycles will of course go over 50 mph on the 
freeway. The electric bike is intended for downtown commuting
and shopping, not for racing on the freeway.


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, 
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only 
know how to say one thing." 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought 
for a moment. 

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. 
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray 
and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, 
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My 
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship! 

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's 
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots 
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, 
she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, 
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 

There was stunned silence. 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot 
and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have 
been answered. Let the orgy begin! AMEN!!"


Thanks to Sue for this picture:

Click on the picture for the large version
Juvenile Mourning Dove

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 

Quacheena Juett, 33, Fort Lauderdale, Floriduh

Jailed After Sicking 12-year-Old 
Daughter On Gas Pump Patron Who 
Wasn't Moving Fast Enough

Reported by the Weekly Vice
Quacheena Juett, a 33-year-old Florida woman, was jailed 
after she allegedly told her 12-year-old daughter to punch 
another woman at a gas pump, because that woman wasn't 
moving fast enough.

According to police, Juett was parked behind another woman 
at a gas pump when she began yelling at the woman to hurry 
up and move her car.

When the woman refused to move her car out of the way fast 
enough, Juett instructed her daughter "to handle that" at 
which time the 12-year-old punched the victim in the face 
with a closed fist.

The victim reportedly moved towards her car to grab her 
cell phone, however, Juett ran to the victim's car and 
grabbed the cell phone before fleeing the scene with her 
daughter.

Fort Lauderdale police used the phone's GPS technology 
and video surveillance to identify Juett and track down 
her current residence. She was taken into custody a short 
time later, but not before she managed to pawn the cell 
phone for cash.

Juett was booked into jail and charged with burglary, 
battery, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, 
resisting arrest without violence, dealing in stolen 
property and probation violation.

She remains held pending a bond hearing, which might be 
delayed considering her probation violation.



Tech Support Pits
From: Armond
Re: How difficult are postcards?

Dear Webby,
I have been told that the only way I can increase traffic
to my site is to either pay through the nose for ads,
or set up postcards to attract visitors. How difficult is
it to set up postcards?
Armond

Dear Armond
If you are web literate and don't freak out at the sight
of naked HTML, it's easy. You get the templates and simply
replace the picture names. Instead of sample1.jpg you put
in doggie1.jpg, and so on.

You DO need to have your own pictures. Otherwise your
site would be the same as others, and no reason for anybody
to go to yours. Pick a narrow topic, that is of interest to 
YOUR
potential clients, and build the site that has the best
collection of pictures in THAT narrow topic. Then you will
get plenty of targeted visitors quickly.

To get the free templates, go to
http://mypostcards.com/pro/
Start with the PRO. Not because it is cheap, but because
it is very basic, without all the fancy options. That way you
will easily see and understand the concept. You can always
upgrade at any time, without losing your previous work.

The only real challenge is finding pictures, that will be
sent by YOUR target audience to others, who might be 
interested in your goods.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!






Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Bath Gel To Clean Tub Rings 
I use bath gel to clean bathtub rings. I get a cheap one 
or use one I have but don't like. This works much better 
than gritty cleansers, etc.

By Monica from northeast PA 

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,   
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the   
manager, Ahmed.   

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who   
answered the phone.   

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."   

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"   

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.   

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,   
'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."  




Ophelia Dingbatter's News



No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the   
secret I told you not to tell her."   

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell   
you I told her."   

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that   
she told me."   




» Glow Worms




Today, September 5, in
1698 Russia's Peter the Great imposed a tax on beards.
1793 In France, the "Reign of Terror" began. The National 
 Convention enacted measures to repress the French 
 Revolutionary activities.
1836 Sam Houston was elected as the first president of 
 the Republic of Texas.
1877 Sioux chief Crazy Horse was killed by the bayonet 
 of a U.S. soldier. The chief allegedly resisted confinement 
 to a jail cell.
1881 The American Red Cross provided relief for disaster 
 for the first time. The disaster was the Great Fire of 
 1881 in Michigan.
1900 France proclaimed a protectorate over Chad.
1905 The Treaty of Portsmouth was signed by Russia and 
 Japan to end the Russo-Japanese War.
1914 The Battle of the Marne began. The Germans, British 
 and French fought for six days killing half a million people.
1917 Federal raids were carried out in 24 cities on 
 International Workers of the World (IWW) headquarters. 
 The raids were prompted by suspected anti-war activities 
 within the labor organization.
1930 Charles Creighton and James Hagris completed the drive 
 from New York City to Los Angeles and back to New York City 
 all in reverse gear. The trip took 42 days in their 
 1929 Ford Model A.
1939 The U.S. proclaimed its neutrality in World War II.
1945 Iva Toguri D'Aquino was arrested. D'Aquino was 
 suspected of being the wartime radio propagandist 
 "Tokyo Rose". She served six years and was later 
 pardoned by U.S. President Ford.
1953 The first privately operated atomic reactor opened in 
 Raleigh, NC.
1958 Boris Pasternak's "Doctor Zhivago" was published for 
 the first time in the U.S.
1960 Cassius Clay of Louisville, KY, won the gold medal in 
 light heavyweight boxing at the Olympic Games in Rome, 
 Italy. Clay later changed his name to Muhammad Ali.
1961 The U.S. government made airline hijacking a federal 
 offense.
1980 The St. Gothard Tunnel opened in Switzerland. It is 
 the world's longest highway tunnel at 10.14 miles long.
1982 Eddie Hill set a propeller-driven boat water speed 
 record when he reached 229 mph.
1983 U.S. President Reagan denounced the Soviet Union for 
 shooting down a Korean Air Lines. Reagan demanded that 
 the Soviet Union pay reparations for the act that killed 
 269 people.
1984 Mortimer Zuckerman purchased the newsmagazine, 
 "U.S. News & World Report" for $163 million.
1985 Rioting in South Africa spilled into white 
 neighborhoods for the first time.
1986 NASA launched DOD-1.
1990 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein urged for a Holy War 
 against the West and former allies.
1992 A General Motors Corporation strike ended with a 
 new agreement being approved. Nearly 43,000 workers 
 were on strike.
1995 France set off an underground nuclear blast in the 
 South Pacific.
2013  smiled

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