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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, July 27.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a Drunk woman sleeping in a car at the mall Details at Boneheads From the History section at the bottom: Today, in 1980 The deposed shah of Iran, Muhammad Riza Pahlavi, died in a hospital near Cairo, Egypt.
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Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. --- Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790), How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live. --- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)
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>From Sandie A SOUTHERNER vacationing in Maine stopped at a small convenience store to buy some souvenirs. As he stood in line to pay for his purchases, the southerner was amused by the accent of some local lobster fishermen, who were in the store discussing the day’s catch. Stepping up to the cash register, the tourist commented to the clerk, “Some people around here sure talk with funny accents.” “Aye-yuh,” the clerk replied, “but thay’ll all be gohne by Laybor Day.”
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Garden Classic: GOD: Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. Saint FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it --sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay? ST. FRANCIS : Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about.... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Suzanne Morales, 45, Boca Raton, Florida Florida woman in lingerie tried to run over cop Florida police say a woman wearing only lingerie tried to run over an officer who woke her while she slept in her car. No one was injured, but according to WPTV.com, police allegedly had to break out a window to subdue 45 year old Suzanne Morales, of Boca Raton. The incident occurred Monday morning in the parking lot of the Town Center Mall in Boca Raton. Someone who saw a scantily clad woman inside a vehicle, called the Boca Raton Police Department at about 9 a.m., the Sun Sentinel reports. According to Browardpalmbeach.com, responding officers suspected Morales was drunk because they could smell alcohol. The officers reportedly knocked on one of the car windows. Morales allegedly refused to roll down her windows or exit the vehicle. It was at that point, police say, that their investigation took a dangerous turn. Morales, according to WPTV.com, backed her car up, nearly hitting an officer and scraped another car in the mall parking lot before her vehicle came to a stop. After breaking out the rear window of the vehicle, police took Morales into custody and charged her with aggravated assault and obstructing an officer without violence. Morales is being held at the Palm Beach County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bail. Tech Support Pits From: Ellie Re: Lost poem again Dear Webby, Two problems: 1. I am three verses into “Dear Lord” poem today. 5 minutes ago. Screen goes blank and I DID NOT HIT A KEY AT ALL! I was still on the page but had no poem and could not retrieve it and it was good but no longer in my memory. What would you have done if it were you, could you have saved it? 2. A few days ago we had to remove a lot of bad downloads added since I got my new computer last year and I noticed I no longer get my daily Humor Letter. Could you please sign me up again, I did really enjoy it. Thanks, Ellie Dear Ellie Judging by the "“" microslop in your email, you are using Microsoft Word or something similar. You can set Auto-Save in that. Just hit F1 when in that program, and search for AutoSave. I write stuff either in Eudora, my email program, or in NoteTab. Both have Auto-Save. NoteTab is at http://notetab.com You can have dozens of tabs open, with unfinished poems. Just set the AutoSave at 2 minutes. Save each poem under a new name as soon as you start it. The AutoSave will save it automatically. Then, when one is finished, I can paste it into a card or email or web page. Re your Humor Letter: k********@gmail.com IS subscribed. Check your SPAM folder. You may have to make a filter to keep it out of SPAM. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Rain for Cleaning Throw Rugs I found out by accident the best way to clean my old throw rugs. I washed them and hung them on the clothesline outside. Then it rained, and rained and rained. To my surprise, they were cleaner then when I first hung them out. No more machine washing of rugs for me, now I just hang them out on the line when I hear it's going to rain. By April [7] Check out ThriftyFun's Blog
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little redheaded waitress at the coffee shop that we sometimes go to?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

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Today in 
1214 At the Battle of Bouvines in France, Philip Augustus 
 of France defeated John of England.
1245 Frederick II was deposed by a council at Lyons after 
 they found him guilty of sacrilege.
1663 The British Parliament passed a second Navigation Act, 
 which required all goods bound for the colonies be sent in 
 British ships from British ports.
1689 Government forces defeated the Scottish Jacobites at 
 the Battle of Killiecrankie.
1777 The marquis of Lafayette arrived in New England to 
 help the rebellious American colonists fight the British.
1778 The British and French fleets fought to a standoff in 
 the first Battle of Ushant.
1866 Cyrus Field successfully completed the Atlantic Cable. 
 It was an underwater telegraph from North America to Europe.
1909 Orville Wright set a record for the longest airplane 
 flight. He was testing the first Army airplane and kept it 
 in the air for 1 hour 12 minutes and 40 seconds.
1914 British troops invaded the streets of Dublin, Ireland, 
 and began to disarm Irish rebels.
1918 The Socony 200 was launched. It was the first concrete 
 barge and was used to carry oil.
1921 Canadian biochemist Frederick Banting and associates 
 announced the discovery of the hormone insulin.
1940 Bugs Bunny made his official debut in the Warner Bros. 
 animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."
1944 U.S. troops completed the liberation of Guam.
1947 The World Water Ski Organization was founded in 
 Geneva, Switzerland.
1953 The armistice agreement that ended the Korean War 
 was signed at Panmunjon, Korea.
1955 The Allied occupation of Austria ended.
 I remember that! All school kids got speeches 
 and a BIG hotdog!
1964 U.S. President Lyndon Johnson sent an additional 
 5,000 advisers to South Vietnam.
1965 In the U.S., the Federal Cigarette Labeling and 
 Advertising Act was signed into law. The law required 
 health warnings on all cigarette packages.
1967 U.S. President Johnson appointed the Kerner 
 Commission to assess the causes of the violence in the 
 wake of urban rioting.
1974 The U.S. Congress asked for impeachment procedures 
 against President Richard Nixon.
1980 The deposed shah of Iran, Muhammad Riza Pahlavi, 
 died in a hospital near Cairo, Egypt.
1993 IBM's new chairman, Louis V. Gerstner, Jr., announced 
 an $8.9 billion plan to cut the company's costs.
2003 It was reported by the BBC (British Broadcasting Corp.) 
 that there was no monster in Loch Ness. The investigation 
 used 600 separate sonar beams and satellite navigation 
 technology to trawl the loch. Reports of sightings of the 
 "Loch Ness Monster" began in the 6th century.
2006 Intel Corp introduced its Core 2 Duo microprocessors.
2014  smiled.


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