Painful laptop keyboard 

Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, August 11.

Those models sure get around!
Where else have you seen them?

Have FUN!

Today's International Bonehead Award goes to a NC man arrested after beating cops in a donut eating contest. Details at Boneheads From the History section at the bottom: Today, in 1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000 commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill.
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Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. --- John Russell Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes. --- Aaron McGruder
>From Dianne: What are some cultural differences between Canadians and Americans? How do you get 100 New Yorkers out of the pool? Answer: Say “Every one STAY in the pool! How do you get 100 Californians out of the pool? Answer: Say “This pool has been CHEMICALLY TREATED for your protection! How do you get 100 Republicans out of the pool? Answer: Say “Being in this pool shows your support for the Obama. How do you get 100 Democrats out of the pool? Answer: Say “This pool will be FUNDED COMPLETELY by the people in the pool!’ The difference between Canadians and Americans? HOW DO YOU GET 100 CANADIANS OUT OF THE POOL? ANSWER: SAY “Please get out of the pool.”
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When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about stuff for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texas man said, "Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas." The second speaker said, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, but, just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that can out-lie Texas."
Thanks to Janina for this picture: Click on the picture for the large version
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bradley Hardison, 24, of Elizabeth City, NC Burglar Caught After Beating Cops In Doughnut-Eating Contest The sweet victory for a North Carolina man who beat police officers in a doughnut-eating contest this week soured after a newspaper story about the win led to his arrest on breaking and entering charges. Bradley Hardison, 24, of Elizabeth City downed eight doughnuts in two minutes during a contest Tuesday night at an anti-crime event hosted by the city's police department, according to a story in the Daily Advance. That report caught the eye of Camden County Sheriff's Lieutenant Max Robeson, who said his detectives had been trying to interview Hardison for about nine months after suspecting him in break-ins at two local businesses. Robeson said they brought Hardison in for questioning on Wednesday. "I said, 'Congratulations on your win last night,'" Robeson recalled, before arresting the man on criminal charges of breaking and entering and injury to real property. Hardison remained in jail on Friday, the sheriff's lieutenant said. Tech Support Pits From: Maureen Re: Painful laptop keyboard Dear Webby, Since I switched to a laptop, my hands cramp and hurt. Is that due to trhe heat from the laptop coming up between the keys, or me getting old, or what? What do you recommend? Maureen Dear Maureen Dig out one of your old keyboards and plug that into a USB port of the laptop. If you got rid of them already, just buy a regular keyboard. The cramps and pain will be gone in a few days. That will also eliminate the hassle of not having a numeric keypad. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Use Red Wine To Attract Fruit Flies I tried the fruit in a pretty vase and the red-wine vinegar traps that you so graciously shared. Thank you. Although they attracted a few, the hands-down winner was using actual red wine. I used a small container (dipping-sauce bowl, or espresso cup), and poured in some wine (enough that they can drown). I then put the plastic wrap over the top, poked a few holes, and put it where they were flying about. By the next morning, there were a good 30+ in these containers (whereas the fruit and red wine vinegar traps had 5 or so). It took a good three days of new traps, but over 95% were gone. Thanks for the tips. Hope this feedback is helpful. By Oscar from Canada Check out ThriftyFun's Blog
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.

Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Half a million bucks." "Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all that cash?" "I bought a house and a boat. How about your sack?" "Bah... mine was full o' bills" "And what did you do with them?" "Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."
Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is that I can cure your headaches ... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear? "Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache."

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Today in 
1860 The first successful silver mill in America began 
 operations. The mill was in Virginia City, NV. 
1874 A patent for the sprinkler head was given to 
 Harry S. Parmelee. 
1877 The two moons of Mars were discovered by Asaph Hall, 
 an American astronomer. He named them Phobos and Deimos. 
1896 Harvey Hubbell received a patent for the electric light 
 bulb socket with a pull-chain. 
1909 The American ship Arapahoe became the first to ever 
 use the SOS distress signal off the coast of Cape Hatteras, NC. 
1934 Alcatraz, in San Francisco Bay, received federal 
 prisoners for the first time. 
1945 The Allies informed Japan that they would determine 
 Emperor Hirohito's future status after Japan's surrender. 
1954 Seven years of fighting came to an end in Indochina. 
 A formal peace was in place for the French and the 
 Communist Vietminh. 
1962 Andrian Nikolayev, of the Soviet Union, was launched 
 on a 94-hour flight. He was the third Russian to go into space. 
1965 The U.S. conducted a second launch of "Surveyor-SD 2" 
 for a landing on the Moon surface test. 
1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan was preparing for his 
 weekly radio broadcast when, during testing of the microphone, 
 the President said of the Soviet Union, "My fellow Americans, 
 I am pleased to tell you that I just signed legislation that 
 would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." 
1990 Egyptian and Moroccan troops joined U.S. forces in 
 Saudi Arabia to help protect from a possible Iraqi attack. 
1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about 10,000 
 commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the 1989 Exxon 
 Valdez oil spill. 
1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton. 
 He didn't want the US to be stronger than Mexico.
1997 U.S. President Clinton made the first use of the line-item 
 veto approved by Congress, rejecting three items in spending 
 and tax bills. 
1998 British Petroleum became No. 3 among oil companies with 
 the $49 billion purchase of Amoco. It was the largest foreign 
 takeover of a U.S. company. 
2002 US Airways announced that it had filed for bankruptcy. 
2003 Charles Taylor, President of Liberia, flew into exile after 
 ceding power to his vice president, Moses Blah. 
2003 In Kabul, NATO took command of the 5,000-strong peacekeeping 
 force in Afghanistan.
2014  smiled.

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