Email substitute 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, March 8

Have FUN!

Today's Bonehead Award goes to an
Ohio man called 911 to report wife stole his cocaine
Details at Boneheads

Today, in 
0322 BC Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, died. 
More of what happened on this day in history at History
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If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. --- Jay Leno (1950 - ) ______________________________________________________ On vacation one year Joe went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from the resort to participate in a cattle drive. After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, Joe rode up to the ranch-owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size. "One," she replied, "and yappy dog. It's the noise that'll get the cattle to move." ______________________________________________________ "My wooden leg was hurting me something fierce last night," complained Art. "That's impossible," said his neighbour, "How can a wooden leg hurt you?" The vet replied, "My old lady hit me over the head with it when I came home drunk." ______________________________________________________ Click through for the big picture North-Yorkshire
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michelle Smart, 30, Spartanburg, South Carolina Denied Sex, Woman Pulled Gun On Boyfriend -After having her “sexual advances” rejected by her live-in boyfriend, a South Carolina woman allegedly threatened to shoot her beau, cops allege. Ryan Rucker, 33, was sleeping early yesterday when Michelle Smart, by her own admission, “attempted to make some sexual advances toward” him, according to a police report detailing the 2 AM incident. Rucker told cops that he pushed the 30-year-old Smart off of him, which prompted an argument during which Smart “told him she would shoot him with his own gun, because she has the gun now.” Smart told officers that after Rucker “rejected her and pushed her off of him,” he punched and kicked her multiple times. Cops noted that Smart “continually was changing her story throughout the investigation,” adding that, “For these reasons, Ms. Smart’s account became less believable.” Smart, judged the “primary aggressor” by cops, was arrested for domestic violence since Rucker “feared for his safety when Ms. Smart pulled the gun out and threatened to use it.” Cops seized a Ruger handgun and six bullets, which were placed into evidence. Seen in the above mug shot, Smart spent about eight hours in custody before bonding out of jail Sunday afternoon on the misdemeanor charge. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bill Re: Email Substitute Webby, Hi Webby: A lady asked "I want a toolbar so I can forward e-mail to without having to open outlook express. I am not to thrill with google toolbar." Any suggestions or remedies? Thanks, Bill Dear Bill I would recommend a steady diet of Smarties and competent supervision. To forward email without opening her email program she would have to delve deeper into spirituology than I want to venture. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, 'Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!' It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink and turned the "U" shaped part of it to point just below his waistline. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Bracelet to Fix Broken Camera Hinge After someone accidentally broke my camera's hinged opening, I couldn't keep it closed to use it anymore. Rather than get another one, I tried fitting one of those rubber bracelets around the camera to hold it shut. Works perfectly! By Donna [204] ______________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt in confirmation request.
_____________________________________________________ A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance. "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer. "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow." "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as you would look trying to milk a bicycle!" _____________________________________________________ An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 9:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!! _____________________________________________________
Awesome Machines

Today in 
1618 Johann Kepler discovered the third Law of Planetary Motion. 
1702 England's Queen Anne took the throne upon the death of 
 King William III. 
1782 The Gnadenhutten massacre took place. About 90 Indians 
 were killed by militiamen in Ohio in retaliation for raids 
 carried out by other Indians. 
1855 A train passed over the first railway suspension bridge 
 at Niagara Falls, NY. 
1880 U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes declared that the 
 United States would have jurisdiction over any canal built 
 across the isthmus of Panama. 
1887 The telescopic fishing rod was patented by Everett 
1911 British Minister of Foreign Affairs Edward Gray declared 
 that Britain would not support France in the event of a 
 military conflict. 
1933 Self-liquidating scrip money was issued for the first 
 time at Franklin, IN. 
1941 Martial law was proclaimed in Holland in order to 
 extinguish any anti-Nazi protests. 
1942 During World War II, Japanese forces captured Rangoon, 
1943 Japanese forces attacked American troops on Hill 700 
 in Bougainville. The battle lasted five days. 
1946 The French naval fleet arrived at Haiphong, Vietnam. 
1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that religious instruction 
 in public schools was unconstitutional. 
1965 The U.S. landed about 3,500 Marines in South Vietnam. They 
 were the first U.S. combat troops to land in Vietnam. 
1966 Australia announced that it would triple the number of 
 troops in Vietnam. 
1982 The U.S. accused the Soviets of killing 3,000 Afghans 
 with poison gas. 
1989 In Lhasa, Tibet, martial law was declared after three days 
 of protest against Chinese rule. 
1999 The White House, under President Bill Clinton, directed 
 the firing of nuclear scientist Wen Ho Lee from his job at the 
 Los Alamos National Laboratory. The firing was a result of 
 alleged security violations. 
2005 In norther Chechnya, Chechen rebel leader Aslan Maskhadov 
 was killed during a raid by Russian forces.
2015  smiled.

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