Child safe way to deal with telemarketers 

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Today is Wednesday, January 13

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Today's Bonehead Award goes to a British Mother of three, who was arrested for giving drugs to Teenage boy to keep him awake for sex’ with her Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, January 13 1128 Pope Honorius II granted a papal sanction to the military order known as the Knights Templar. He declared it to be an army of God. History ______________________________________________________ The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. --- George Orwell (1903 - 1950) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?" ______________________________________________________ A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.She says, "Excuseme sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the coun- ter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50." ______________________________________________________ Click through for the big version ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ \ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Caroline Lea 36, Clifton Drive, Lancashire, England
Mother of three Caroline Lea was arrested for giving drugs to Teenage boy to keep him awake for sex’ with her A 15-year-old boy was given drugs by a 36-year-old mother of three to keep him awake for sex, a court has heard. Caroline Lea is said to have slept with the youngster on a regular basis for several months before he said he realised he needed to find a girlfriend of his own age. The defendant, from Blackpool, Lancashire, is also accused of taking part in a threesome with another 15-year-old complainant and his young friend, as well as allegedly sexually touching a third boy of the same age. Lea denies committing any sexual offences and told police that the threesome allegation was “nonsense”. A jury at Preston Crown Court today heard evidence from her accusers including a youth who said Lea initiated their first sexual encounter by inviting him to her bedroom to watch a film. In his police interview, the complainant said he was “shocked” and pushed Lea away on her bed when she tried to kiss him but then “changed my mind because I'm a lad”. He said the defendant performed oral sex on him before they had intercourse in several positions. He said: “We did everything really. Everything you name, everything she wanted to do.” The interviewing detective asked him: “What ended that first sexual encounter?” The teenager replied: “We stopped because we were tired.” The sexual relationship continued as he stayed over at her former home in the resort, the court was told. He added: “Sometimes I was a bit tired and she would give me speed (amphetamines) to stay awake.” He said the defendant was usually sober during sex except for one occasion. Asked what made him decide to stop the alleged relationship, he said: “Because it was wrong, because I'm 15. ”I have a life ahead of me. I have got to go out and get a girlfriend of my own age.“ He said he also listened to the advice of his friends who told him the defendant was ”ruining“ his life. Lea, of Clifton Drive, denies seven counts of engaging in sexual activity with a child on various dates between December 2013 and March 2014. She has also pleaded not guilty to one count of allowing her home to be used for smoking cannabis and a separate count of supplying amphetamines, a Class B drug, to another.
______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Jeanie Re: Child safe way to deal with telemarketers Dear Webby, you had some good advice some time ago on how to deal with telemarketers. That's perfect when I answer the phone, but really not suitable when my daughter answers it. What have you got that cold be used by kids when a telemarketer or ex-boyfriend calls? Thanks, Jeanie Dear Jeanie Just write one of these numbers on a note and keep it by the phone. Pick the one with the area code closest to you. Then ask the kids to tell telemarketers or exes that you had left a message that they should call you at that number. (212) 479-7990 Los Angeles Area: 626-207-5412 310-495-5412 213-363-5412 323-281-9412 909-650-5412 714-607-5412 818-663-5412 562-223-5412 310-217-7638 949-256-5412 San Diego: 619-801-5412 760-204-5412 San Francisco: 415-620-5412 415-356-9833 Oakland: 510-699-5412 San Jose: 408-344-9412 Boston: 617-861-3962 Chicago: 773-509-5096 Atlanta: 770-908-7383 770-723-7256 Orlando: 407-916-ROCK Birmingham: 205-250-0408 Denver: 303-575-1696 Seattle: 206-781-3928 Washington DC: 202-452-7468 Tampa Bay: 727-579-2078 Rochester: 585-399-5902 Rhode Island: 401-648-6543 New Hampshire: 603-413-2340 England: 09061 100 596 Dublin, Ireland: (+353) (01) 2194862 More numbers are popping up occasionally at Go ahead and pretend to be a telemarketer or ex and call one of those numbers. It's a hoot, and it works. Just don't think it's me at that number. Those numbers are from the "Rejection Line". Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ === A Conversation Between Moses and God "Excuse me, sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, sir." "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh, yeah. I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!" "Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me." "You mean the commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they were important." "What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, sir. I forgot." "Well, My Son always saves, Moses." "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. " "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did." "What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that." "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think that is spamming, Moses." "Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what he did say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?" "They're called viruses, Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them." "We'll do it the new way, Moses." "I was afraid you would say that, sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.' "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with thecost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Pre-Measure Water in Carafe Once in a while I will not estimate the water needed to fill my tea carafe and this makes a mess. I just got tired of cleaning up water spills. So now I fill the carafe with water, then pour it into an empty kettle. I have the exact amount of water needed to brew a lovely pot of tea. I then label it so I know what kind of tea is inside and when I brewed it. Win Win! PBP By Sandi/Poor But Proud [462]
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
_____________________________________________________ A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. " To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago." ___________________________________________________
dog walks on two legs
____________________________________________________ The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship." From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys, let's sell the silly old tub!" ____________________________________________________ Church Bulletin Board Bloopers: Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. *If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. *Jan 25: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. *Women's Luncheon: Potluck Lunch. Polly Phillips will give the medication. *If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. *We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. *Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." *Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. *Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. *The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. *The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board. *As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. *Fifth Sinday is Lent. *Thank you dead friends. *Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. *Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Eater. *Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. *For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. *Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. *The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. *Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess ____________________________________________________
Laughing hard at animals.

Today, January 13, in
1128 Pope Honorius II granted a papal sanction to the military 
 order known as the Knights Templar. He declared it to be an 
 army of God. 
1854 Anthony Faas of Philadelphia, PA, was granted the first U.S. 
 patent for the accordion. He made improvements to the keyboard 
 and enhanced the sound. 
1900 In Austria-Hungary, Emperor Franz Joseph decreed that German 
 would be the language of the imperial army to combat Czech 
1906 Hugh Gernsback, of the Electro Importing Company, advertised 
 radio receivers for sale for the price of just $7.50 in 
 "Scientific American" magazine. 
1928 Ernst F. W. Alexanderson gave the first public demonstration 
 of television. 
1942 Henry Ford patented the plastic automobile referred to as the 
 "Soybean Car." The car was 30% lighter than the average car. 
1984 Wayne Gretzky extended his NHL consecutive scoring streak 
 to 45 games. 
1992 Japan apologized for forcing tens of thousands of Korean 
 women to serve as sex slaves for Japanese soldiers during WWII. 
1998 ABC and ESPN negotiated to keep "Monday Night Football" for 
 $1.15 billion a season. 
2002 Japan and Singapore signed a free trade pact that would 
 remove tariffs on almost all goods traded between them. 
2002 U.S. President George W. Bush fainted after choking on 
 a pretzel. 
2009 Ethiopian military forces began pulling out of Somalia, 
 where they had tried to maintain order for nearly two years. 
2015  smiled.

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