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Today is Monday, May 2

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DearWebby

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Today's Bonehead Award goes to an Arkansas elementary school teacher arrested for giving alcohol to minors Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, May 2, in 1982 The British submarine HMS Conqueror sank Argentina's only cruiser, the General Belgrano during the Falkland Islands War. More than 350 people died. More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ "No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." --- Abraham Lincoln There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. --- Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another one on the way, so call back later." At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck." He passed out.
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Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister. But I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand." "I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied. Then she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "The curlers are on the house." ______________________________________________________ Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love." "Well," said the other, "if that caught on, that would definitely revolutionize the game of hockey!" ______________________________________________________ Thanks to my dad for this picture: This one bloomed today. ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ryan William Dickson, 39, Des Moines, Iowa Arkansas elementary school teacher arrested for giving alcohol to minors A Sherwood elementary school teacher accused of giving alcohol to more than 30 minors at an after-prom party has been suspended, a district spokesman said Monday. Marcie Duncan, 48, who works at William Jefferson Clinton Elementary School, is suspended pending an internal investigation in accordance with district policy, Deb Roush of the Pulaski County Special School District said. Duncan teaches fourth grade and has worked at the school for eight years, according to the school's website. Duncan was arrested Sunday and charged with 33 counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, 33 counts of furnishing alcohol to a minor, two counts of third-degree endangering the welfare of a minor and violation of the Arkansas Social Host Law, according to information provided by the Lonoke County jail. Deputies arrested Duncan after they responded around 4 a.m. to a party on her family's property near West Lewisburg Road, Lonoke County Sheriff John Staley said. They found several empty alcohol containers as well as a full-sized keg. Duncan, who appeared intoxicated while talking to police, said she had "everything under control" and didn't see a problem because she had been there the entire night making sure everyone was OK, according to a news release from the sheriff's office. Staley said that several intoxicated students between the ages of 15 and 18 were passed out throughout the premises. Others tried to hide in the nearby woods or escape in their cars, he said. Deputies called students' parents as well as an ambulance for those who were extremely intoxicated, Staley said. None was taken to a hospital for treatment. Duncan was released from the Lonoke County jail Sunday on a $21,000 bond, the sheriff said Monday. 4th grade, 15 - 18 years old and driving their own pick- ups? Must be Arkansas ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: None RE: No Question today No question Here is an ancient joke about tech support: Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an intel inside. How do I get that one out? " Tech Support: "It's actually fairly easy if you had the IQ chip upgraded lately. Have you had that done?" Customer: "No, I don't think so. I'm always one of the last to get the new stuff." Tech Support: "OK, then go tell your manager that I said you qualify for an IQ upgrade." Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ A study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (ASA) today showed that over 40% of the practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind. A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive drug-therapy. -------------- Dr Bubba Trailerjack, who bought his degree from Menthol State Unifercity, summed it up quite succinctly: "You gotta be nuts to go see a shrink!" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sweet Potato Fries This is the easiest way I've found to make sweet potato (or any other type of) fries. Ingredients: sweet potato (1 or enough to serve your family/guests) Italian dressing (I use bottled "house" Italian) pepper (to taste) paprika (to taste) The Italian dressing takes care of most of the seasonings, and I do not need to add any more salt. Directions: Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Line a jelly roll pan with aluminum foil for easy clean up. Wash sweet potato and cut into quarter inch fries (I leave the skin on). Drizzle Italian dressing lightly over fries. The amount you use will depend on the number of potatoes you are serving. Sprinkle with seasonings (to taste). Toss lightly with your fingers to coat all the potatoes, then spread flat in one layer the cookie sheet. Bake for 20-30 minutes to desired crispness. Serve with Ranch dressing as a dip. Source: I saw something similar for regular potatoes in a magazine several years ago. Finally tried it with the sweet potato fries. Yum! By skeesics56 from NW OH ______________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
_____________________________________________________ Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms. Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. Democratic: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government. Conservative: You have two cows. You hide one in the back yard and sell the milk from it to neighbors for cash to raise the money to pay for the tax on the front yard cow. California: You have two cows and paint minority rights slogans onto them. The government gives you two more cows. New York: You have two cows. You sell one cow so that you can afford to send the other one to an off-shore farm on an island that you can't find on the map. ___________________________________________________
42 times will get you to the moon!
____________________________________________________ After making a silly mistake, an instructor tried to excuse his absentmindedness by telling the class of his plans to propose marriage to his girlfriend later that day. A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well. "What was her answer?" the instructor asked. "I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet." __________________________________________________ When my neighbor's 3-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His mother was not so pleased. She turned turned her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Her mother smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember..." ____________________________________________________
Dublin, Ireland from 100+ years ago.

Today on May 2
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's 
 King Charles II.
1776 France and Spain agreed to donate arms to American 
 rebels fighting the British.
1797 A mutiny in the British navy spread from Spithead 
 to the rest of the fleet.
1798 The black General Toussaint L’ouverture forced British 
 troops to agree to evacuate the port of Santo Domingo.
1808 The citizens of Madrid rose up against Napoleon.
1813 Napoleon defeated a Russian and Prussian army at 
 Grossgorschen.
1865 U.S. President Andrew Johnson offered $100,000 reward for 
 the capture of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.
1885 The Congo Free State was established by King Leopold II 
 of Belgium.
1885 The magazine "Good Housekeeping" was first published.
1887 Hannibal W. Goodwin applied for a patent on celluloid 
 photographic film. This is the film from which movies are 
 shown.
1902 "A Trip to the Moon," the first science fiction film 
 was released. It was created by magician George Melies.
1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua to put down a revolt 
 and to protect U.S. interests. They did not depart until 
 1933.
1933 Hitler banned trade unions in Germany.
1941 Hostilities broke out between British forces in Iraq 
 and that country’s pro-German faction.
1945 Russians took Berlin after 12 days of fierce 
 house-to-house fighting. The Allies announced the surrender 
 of Nazi troops in Italy and parts of Austria.
1946 Prisoners revolted at California's Alcatraz prison.
1965 The "Early Bird" satellite was used to transmit television 
 pictures across the Atlantic.
1970 Student anti-war protesters at Ohio's Kent State University 
burn down the campus ROTC building. The National Guard took 
 control of the campus.
1974 Former U.S. Vice President Spiro T. Agnew was disbarred by 
 the Maryland Court of Appeals.
1974 The filming of "Jaws" began in Martha's Vineyard, MA.
1982 The British submarine HMS Conqueror sank Argentina's only 
 cruiser, the General Belgrano during the Falkland Islands War. 
 More than 350 people died.
1994 Nelson Mandela claimed victory after South Africa's first 
 democratic elections.
1999 In Panama, Mireya Moscoso de Grubar, of the Armulfista 
 Party, was elected president. 
2016  smiled.


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